for parents-rejection
 

Recruitment has started in some parts of the country, and while I may be a relatively new poster on greekchat, I wanted to start a thread for the parents on this site, as it seems that there are a lot of them on here documenting their daughters’ recruitments. Personally, if my mother wrote about my recruitment on the internet for all to read when I went through it, I would’ve been a little creeped out by it, but if that’s what works for your daughters and makes them happy, then more power to you.

Life is a series of competitions, one after another, and rejection is a big part of that. You are always competing against someone to get into a school, on a sports team, into a sorority, for a role in the play, to get into a popular class that only has room for 30 students in it, for an internship, job, and so on. We understand that you love your daughters and think the world of them (hopefully, at least) and that they are all gorgeous, smart, funny, talented, and charismatic with great personalities and GPAs, but they may be rushing against hundreds of other girls that are also gorgeous, smart, funny, talented, and charismatic with great personalities and GPAs, not to mention being legacies. Please understand that sororities simply cannot take every girl who rushes, no matter how great she is. Somewhere along the line, rejection has to happen, and the more competitive that a school’s recruitment is, the more likely it is that your daughters will be rejected from the sororities that they want. Please understand that this is a fact of life, and do not think less of them. For some of your daughters, this may be the first time in their lives that they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. Please do not ask what they did wrong or why they got cut, because unless we were there at recruitment and actually met your daughters and sat in on the voting, then we don’t know, and even if we were there, our organizations’ policies (as well as our common sense) prohibit us from talking about it. Posters on greekchat can offer you sympathy, but not much more than that.

Best wishes to all of the girls going through recruitment this semester!

Great post, cuteASAbug!

I'm a new poster but have lurked for quite a while. I do not want to belittle anyones' pain and I'm not sure exactly how to articulate my thoughts without sounding harsh but here goes:

Most of our children get exactly what they want too often and too quickly. And we usually knock ourselves out to see to it that they do!!!!
However, in my experience, it has been the disappointments that build the most and best qualities of character. Through (thankfully few) very hurtful 'rejection situations', my D has learned some valuable things and has grown from them. Now she looks back and points to those disappointments and can say how grateful she is for them! So, I guess I am saying that we should rejoice in their accomplishments, share the pain of their disappointments and pray that they learn from both.

Pain passes. Wisdom learned from hard lessons lasts forever.

For those going thru the rejection process with their Ds, I really do hope your pain passes quickly and that you can find a silver lining.

Excellent posts by everyone!

I'm confident I speak for every member here on GC when I say it breaks our hearts everytime we read about someone's daughter, sister, niece, or friend not getting a bid. I'm sorry we can't tell you why this happened because we don't know and even if we did, we are bound by the confidentiality of our organizations.

I'm also just as confident that the moms, sisters, aunts and friends are completely baffled by how this happened. Their PNM had a sky high GPA and an impeccable resume. She's sweet, funny, intelligent, dedicated, hard working, cute, etc. What more could a sorority want? Trust me, that's exactly what we want in our members.

But for reasons we don't know or understand, some PNM's just won't click with the 2 or 3 or however many actives they get the chance to meet during Recruitment. Not everyone is going to see themselves as best friends forever with someone else after spending only 15-30 minutes together. In that limited amount of time the actives can't always see all those wonderful traits in your PNM. IMHO the lack of time available to get to know someone on either side is the biggest drawback of any Formal Recruitment process. It's a shame, but that's the system we have.

I think this is a much healthier long term parenting approach than trying to "fix" everything that happens, either by doing everything for your child in advance or by taking up their causes after the fact.

As bad as a negative recruitment results seems in the moment and shortly after, if not getting a bid to sorority is one of your daughter's bigger disappointments in life, I'd say you and she did an excellent job.

(In most cases, it's not even the end of her opportunities to be Greek, if she still wants to, but even when it is, missing the opportunity is a small and somewhat frivolous thing in the course of a lifetime. It's really not a reflection of her worth as an individual. Don't make her feel like it's a bigger deal that it is.)

Some reasons girls get cut
 

It's hard to appreciate unless you've been on the other side of rush how totally RANDOM a cut can be. Someone in a house can be pulling for you but maybe they don't have a lot of clout in the chapter. Your name can come up at a time when everyone is exhausted and just wants to go to sleep so nobody fights for you unless they're incredibly passionate. You might get mixed up with another rushee. Sometimes people are petty beyond credibility. Maybe you dated their sister's ex-boyfriend or you got homecoming court instead of a sister's cousin's friend. Or maybe you took her pencil in third grade. Lack of sleep, stress and tension, all these things can bring out the worst in us.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: Another thing that the mom's of PNM's need to be aware of is that sometimes you may think you have a rec to a house that never got sent in. :eek: I have seen this happen. The alum just never got around to it or misplaced it or didn't know what to say. ALWAYS get two recs. And a personal letter if you can. (That's for competitive rush. Smaller schools or non-SEC schools may look on that as overkill.)

Thanks for the insight Esther. My D has been very lucky throughout the process, but was shocked and disappointed to get through rounds 1-3 at her preferred chapter, then not invited back to Pref night.

True, its an SEC school and she was somewhat prepared for it, but its confusing to be rushed hard and feel very confident, then have the rug pulled out. She still has good options, but I can relate to all who feel rejected. As I told her, things work out for the best!

Legacy
 

So how does one deal with the legacy factor when it has been talked about with your daughters for years? My daughter just rushed at my own alma mater where I have been a lifelong supporter. One girl that we knew pledged there last year who was always competing with my D in sports. She was a very spiteful girl. So of course you guessed it, she kept my daughter out of MY chapter, a double legacy who's cousin, (my niece) was past president!!! Of course I can list all her incredible accomplishments, athletic, brains and beauty combined, but it doesn't matter now. What a slap in the face.... My daughter did find another house she liked and pledged and is handling it much better than I am. The next solicitation letter I receive is going to have some very choice words for them to chew on. And my second daughter is so livid she said she won't even speak to anyone there when she rushes next year. This will pass, but after 30 years I am no longer proud to be a KD.

Wow.

If the ALMA MATER is soliciting donations, they certainly have nothing to do with membership selection.

Now, are you actually saying that your chapter solicits you? Or the school? Because seriously, you can't pressure the school into pressuring the chapter to accept your daughter.



Unless you've endowed a building or department or something.

Wow. Harsh words, but I don't blame you for feeling this way.

Yes indeed my chapter solicits me for all kinds of donations which I have happily contributed to in the past. Don't all chapters? Who knows, but I am very sure they are aware of who donates and who doesn't. That's just good business, and if anyone thinks money doesn't matter to these organizations they are sadly out of touch.

It's customary for alums to get solicitations from their collegiate chapters whenever they need assistance. I've seen alums donate $$$ to help pay to fix leaky roofs, furnish the study room, etc. etc.

I know that $$$ doesn't guarantee her daughter a bid, but still. If Mean Girl was the real reason her daughter didn't get a bid, then well -- I'd be pissed off too.

I really don't know as I was neither initiated in a collegiate chapter, nor am I a member of an NPC sorority.

If it was my kid, I wouldn't donate any more either.

If you feel the need to donate that extra cash anywhere, feel free to send it to the United Senusret I Fund. :)

I'm sorry, but it should. I'm all about that. Seriously.

what the hell is with everyone referring to their daughters as D? is there some kind of secret greekchat dictionary that I don't get/know about?

Oh you know I was speaking objectively! ;)

I'm sure that, in certain chapters of our fine organizations, $$$ does guarantee your legacy bid. :rolleyes:

But that's for a whole 'nother thread.

If people typed out Daughter all the time, that would be too confusing on everyone -- DUH!!!!

:p

I know. It's annoying as hell, isn't it?

It's like they refer to their daughters as 'D' on another online message board, and then some asshat decides to tell those people about GreekChat then they invade here like crazy! Oh wait...

[patiently waits for the crazy recruitments to be over so that GC can attempt to be normal again]

This is like the great Kazo invasion of 05 (?), but more annoying.

Yes. Please make it stop.

KAZODIASS!!!!

I remember that was my new favorite word at that time.

Nothing beats the Frattys, though.

I'm not sure what chapters of our fine organizations you all have in mind, but I don't think it even guarantees a bid in the SEC chapters, and you know, we're crazy and stereotypical and superficial and mean to fat people and stuff, and if any chapter would let someone buy a bid, surely it would be the SEC. Roll Tide, Woof, War Eagle, HottyToddy!

But seriously, I don't think that alumnae should believe that remaining active and financial supportive means for sure that a legacy would get a bid, but you can be sure that my support will follow my hypothetical kid if you cut her and I think it's a perfectly reasonable position for others to hold as well.

And this case points to the fact that the factors that cause groups to drop legacies might often be lame. I wonder if the mean girl will make up for the loss of support to the chapter over time?

Sure! The more the merrier!

I'm trying to go for a truth in advertising thing. All the recruitment stuff if fascinating to me, but I don't actually know how any of it works. When I think I do, then I find out I'm wrong.

CuteASABug: Good Original Post! :D




I need to learn that myself even though I could have an 18 year old Daughter, but don't... :( :D

awww thank you :D

Mean girl needs to be prayed for, because her issues of spite go far deeper than sorority. this is a valuable lesson of maturity for your daughter and you, and I think your D is in the right spot. Be a proud donator to your D's new chapter!

GatorMom, I'm sorry things did not work out with your daughter's legacy chapter. One of my friends experienced this when she rushed at UF several years ago. She was dropped by her legacy, but had a wonderful experience as a sister of another chapter. Mom was upset about it at the time, but her other children pledged her legacy, the elder sister was happy, the younger were happy and life continued for all-- mom was involved with supporting both chapters after the hurt feelings went away.

Please remember that the members of the chapter who are there now are not the same ladies you pledged with. This does not mean they're not a great chapter, but your daughter found the place that was right for her, and I hope she will enjoy her new sisterhood as much as you enjoyed yours. Please don't let this sour you on the school or the Greek System (or the chapter!) that brought you so much happiness when you were her age.

Go Gators! (I can officially say that now that I've been a UF grad student for one week...)

Gatormom, that must have been an incredibly difficult experience for your daughter and especially for you. But as was said earlier, money doesn't guarantee a bid. If it did then in fact we alums would be guilty of buying our children's friends. With that being said though, if there was 1 mean girl who purposely blocked your daughter then that's not fair either. Had this situation occurred in my Chapter, I hope I would have looked into what was going on. If the Chapter wants to release the legacy of a valued and generous alum, I would want to make sure there was more "cause" than 1 mean girl's personal vendetta.

But at this point there is nothing that can be done. I am happy your daughter found a home elsewhere. My advice is the next time your Chapter solicits you for donations you should respond with a polite note saying you have donated to your sorority's national philanthropy as you feel your money would be more useful there.

Maybe it's because she directly mentions KD by name, but I'm not so sure about her post. There has been such an influx of "bitter mommies" the past few weeks, that it is hard to know who to take seriously.

My quick thoughts:
I would like to know how this fly-by-night poster came to know how and why her daughter was cut? How does she know it was this girl? Wonder if her daughter cut KD and was too afraid to tell her mom the truth (which, judging from the mom's bitterness I wouldn't be surprised if she was scared of her mom)? Maybe her daughter isn't as perfect as she thinks? UF has a ton of legacies that rush, it is a very competitive greek school with a lot of very strong chapters. Legacies have to be cut sometimes. None of us know for certain what happened, bitter mom doesn't know for certain.

But I agree with the above posters about the "D" crap and I can't wait to see these college confidential helicopter moms fly far far away. Let your kids live their own life and deal with their own problems. You posting on a message board about it is just embarassing them to death.

Amen! Everyone's daughter is the most beautiful/smartest/most accomplished in their mothers' eyes. Sure, rejection stings. However, I think it's hurting the parents much more. Many have outright said that their daughters are happy where they are. Why not do the right thing and be supportive of your daughter and her happiness in her new chapter? Just because you were a member 25 years ago and had the time of your life in that chapter does not mean that your daughter would like the girls in the house now. Heck, if you were going through recruitment now, you might have found a better fit in a different chapter. These parents need to grow up and stop meddling.

On the same note, I wonder how many of these girls whose moms posted that they were disappointed by the chapter they got would have been LESS disappointed if their mom didn't put so much pressure on them to join HER chapter, and if not HER chapter, than another chapter that SHE deemed fit.

Kazo + fratty + collegeconfidential would = an entire bowl of awesome.

You girls are very welcoming and freely share great information and I, for one, really enjoy reading posts/threads here on Greek Chat! The numerous stories of happy girls are especially fun and I've learned a lot about sorority life, too.
However, to say that you wish the moms would go away is a little unfair, I think. It seems to me that, if a post/thread has a title or poster that remotely indicates that it is regarding moms or parents and you do not care to read it, you could just skip by it and go to another that you are interested in. Not to mention that the (few) who are hurting may have no where else to go. Helicopter mom or not, that's important.

Thanks for making room for all of us.

It seems to me that we have been doing things the way we have for 7 years or so, and you're not going to get us to change now. You could just skip the people's posts you want to, and not try to be "That Newbie" that decides they are going to change the way GC is.

SoMom, there are always going to be a few bad apples in every bunch. Don't let the rude comments discourage you. Of course there's room for all!

Or you could take your Ds and Ss and Ps and Qs back to CollegeConfidential and comfort those who hurt over there. :)

We can't force the helicopter parents to leave and they can't force GC to be nice to them. :rolleyes:

I started reading a recruitment thread in which a mom said her DD was rushing. I had to stop and wonder why she was making a recruitment thread for her designated driver, until I realized that she meant her daughter. That's when I stopped reading.

Karma is a B**ch
 

I will venture to say that most of the critics of parents are childless. That's been my experience anyway.