Need Advice
 

My D just pledged at UGA. Had a wonderful Rush and was very blessed to pledge her first choice-Pi Phi. Problem: Roomate is not Greek. They have been friends for a long time and now roomate has begun to give my D problems about being in a sorority. She has tried talking things out with her several times. She does not want to lose her as a friend but loves her new friends that she as already made throught the sorority. She has included roomate in every way possible, has gone out of her way to spend time with her, has reassured her that their friendship is very important to her. Her roomate will not respond or discuss this with her. What else can she go? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Help
 

Honestly? This "friend" doesn't sound very mature. Your daughter has done everything she can - but sometimes, you just can't do it by yourself. If the friendship were important to the roommate, she would be working at it, too, but doesn't seem interested. Your daughter should, IMHO, remain as friendly as she can to roomie, but concentrate her efforts on her sisters, who will be with her for the long run.

I went through something similar in college. :( Tell your daughter to try to spend time with her roomie, and see if they can't get involved in something together. (Like Student Government or an organization supporting a common interest.) That may help her roomie to see that she still wants to bond and be friends!

I wish the best for your daughter, her new wonderful Pi Phi sisters, and her roommate.

Thanks for the advice. I really hate that D has found herself in this situation but I am not suprised. I plan to be supportive and hope that they can work this out amongst themselves. I think getting involved in something together might be the key. Anyone else who might have suggestions please let me know.

I echo the advice above--they made some great points! Somewhere there's a great activity that they can join togther. I would also think that she might state, pleasantly but firmly, that she doesn't want to hear any negative discussion about her sorority and the activities she does with them. You know how if somebody keeps sniping and sniping at you about some issue, you're bound to finally explode if they don't cut it out.

If roomie doesn't cut it out, your daughter may have to change housing arrangements next semester but honestly, it's worth it for some peace.

I'm happy that she's a Pi Phi!:)

I don't think changing rooms at semester will be an option. Both girls signed a housing contract and I would like to see them work this out. Is it me or does anyone else agree that this what goes on in middle school? I hope things will be better soon. I am upset that my D cannot enjoy being a part of a sisterhood because of roomie.

Yes, this is what goes on in middle school! And I do hope they can keep being friends and maybe rooming together.

But--a housing contract requires neither that they stay in the same room nor that they stay roommates. It only requires that they remain in university housing.

We know several girls who have swapped roommates at midterm, mostly because they found out that even though they were best friends in high school, familiarity can breed contempt. They were able to stay friends because they weren't roommates anymore.

Thank you all for the advice and I will pass it on to my D. I will let you know how things progress. Let's hope for the better.

Another thing to keep in mind is that although you hope all Greek members are involved, the first semester is its own level of intensity. There probably won't be a time in the future when every time the member does something with the group she comes home with lettered items or when letters and group paraphernalia figure quite as much into living space decor. (I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to love all things Greek, especially your first semester, but 1st semester might involve a different level of intensity.)

So, while the roommate isn't acting right, and joining something together will probably help with that, some of the situation may resolve itself simply as new member period progresses.

The roommate is probably just insecure about losing one of the first people she's had a chance to get to know at college, and I agree with everyone else that it'll hopefully get better over the course of the semester, as she adjusts and her insecurities fade. Your daughter sounds like she's handling this in a very mature way, so kudos to her. And who knows, maybe they can reach a point where your daughter can introduce her roomie to a sister of hers who has similar interests and roomie will see that your daughter's sisters are not scary people out to steal her friend away, but nice people that she can be friends with as well. College adjustment is hard and stressful!

Maybe your daughter really is acting different now that she's in a sorority and the roommate just needs some space and time. You're not in the room with her so you couldn't possibly know the whole story.

You may be right. I am not there in the room with my D, nor do I want to be. I have had my college experience and this is hers. I can only go on what she tells me. She really wants this to work because she and her roomie have been really close for the last few years. Maybe it was not the best idea for them to room together. I don't know. I just want them both to be happy no matter what the outcome.

I know that with my friends, we weren't necessarily as close as before I pledged, but they were also very involved in their org as well (which is a different situation, i know) We also made an effort to get together for dinner, lunch, breakfast like 3/4 times a week and go to a party on the weekends together. Once I moved into the house, we really didn't see each other, but we're still good friends... I hope that doesn't happen with your daughter and so I would definitely go with what everyone else said, join a mutual group to be involved in and also make her friend understand that she's not leaving her.

A lot of my relatives, friends, and colleagues have quite an aversion to GLOs. However, if she learned more about what being in a GLO truly entails (and not the negative stereotypes), it would make a huge difference. I think that treating the GLO as another club you belong to can help- not as a prize for being popular and pretty or anything like that.

As a mom I will stay supportive but let them work it out themselves. I am sure things will get better as the year goes on and they get more involved with academics and joining other organizations. But as a mom I hate to see either one of them unhappy or having problems so soon. I might be making a bigger deal of this than the situation calls for. I sure hate getting those late night calls though from a distressed child. Only time will tell. Thanks to all.:D

My sophomore year of college I had a roommate that I became best friends with. She is an absolutely amazing person, and we share the kind of friendship that you hope to meet in college. I was so happy to meet her and become friends!! We decided to live together again junior year, and that's when I decided to do rush. I joined a sorority on campus and, especially after initiation, was really excited about it.

I had a hard time coming home from socials, sisterhood events, chapter meetings, etc. and telling my roommate about them. I don't think she was jealous... I think she just didn't understand why all of a sudden- my 3rd year in college- I decided that going to these things and being a part of a sorority was important to me. We remained close, but every so often she would make remarks like "Wow, that sounds like something that I would never do" or "I don't know how you do that sorority thing"... even though I would remind her that I loved my sorority.

In the end I grew a little sad that once I left my sorority events that Theta time was over and now it was back to my 'other' life. Many of my sisters lived together and they came and left events as groups... something I felt like I was missing out on. Plus, I didn't really appreciate her comments about my involvement, no matter how few and far between they were. So I decided to move in with some sisters. I miss my old roommate a lot... we are very close as friends and roommates. But I like that I have someone at home to talk to about Theta, Greek Life, and allllll the drama.

My old roommate and I have worked really hard at staying friends. We try to get together as often as possible for a meal and tomorrow we are going to a local waterpark together! Even though she may not understand greek life, it doesn't mean that we can't be friends!

The roommate may be insecure about your daughter's new group of friends, but I think it's best that people have interests outside of one another when they room together.

As long as the roommates keep their room tidy and make an effort to share roommate time together doing something together (meals, going to a campus event, shopping, etc.), keeping the room tidy and respecting one another's personal space, they should be fine.

The girls will work it out. Living with someone, whether a random roommate or a best friend, is always an adjustment.

By any chance, did the roommate go through recruitment and not receive a bid? Perhaps this may be why the roommate is not responding well to your daughter joining a sorority.

No her roomie did not go through Rush. She new before hand that my D would be participating and at the time seemed to be O.K. Her mother even wrote my daughter a rec for her sorority. I am sure they will work things out in time and I am probably over reacting. But I plan to offer the advice that everyone has given me and maybe it will work. :rolleyes:

I meant to say knew. The heat is finally getting to me.:)

I tell my daughters, if you look for perfect people for friends, you will have none.

I'm Assuming they were good friends before rooming together. If this is the case, then encouraging your daughter to bail on her friend at this point is, in my opinion, sending the wrong message. There is probably an underlying reason why her friend is acting this way, and it should pass, once they adjust and continue to do things together.

I had a daughter in a similar (reverse) situation relative to sorority stuff. Though it was tough, her roomie stuck by her. Today, they are the best of friends. My daughter knows her old roomie is a friend that will be there even when she's not perfect. It works in reverse too, because at other times, my daughter has stood by her old roomie when she's not acting so perfect. That's what friendship is about.

I'm guessing that the roommate's issue is fear and that, as she meets new friends of her own, things will be ok. There's sort of a safety net when you go away to school and room with a high school friend because you figure that the two of you will figure out this new (and scary) situation together. She is now feeling scared that your daughter has other people to learn the campus with and she is all alone. It's not rational so rational talking won't fix it. As she feels more at ease in this brand new situation, it will be ok.

Just talked to D. She said things are about the same-no better, no worse. She says she will continue to try and get roomie to talk to her about her feelings and get the air cleared between them. She says not much else she can do at this point. I just encouraged her to keep the lines of communication open and let roomie how important their friendship is the her.

I would wonder if now roomie is rethinking going through recruitment. Sometimes kids/teens do things to be very apart from their moms/parents and now (maybe?) roomie is rethinking her choice to not rush and kinda of acting out. I have known people who say over and over that they don't want to do something but then finally find out that they really wanted to do the thing that they were so adamently against to being with.

And I agree with the middle school maturity here, but i have meet a lot of people in my life who still have a middle school maturity level. I think going to college is fun, but also scary and might be overwhelming. (This is in agreement with what other people have said, but i just wanted to agree.) If they just began school I thinkt giving it time might be the best solution and for your daughter to not push anything too much. i would suggest being friends by her and roomie setting times were they can do things together and I would say during these times not bring up sorority because that might tick roomie off.