Bid day "Mismatch"
 

Please excuse my inexperience with the whole recruitment process, I have a question or several regarding the whole bid procedure and what on earth to do if there seems to be a mismatch. My daughter went through rush at Auburn and received a bid to one of the 16 sororities.

From the general area where we live, there were probably 10 girls rushing, so my daughter was really excited about the process. She went in completely open to all the sororities. We looked at the website, did what it recommended. Got 1 rec. for each of the sororities that were recommended to her and thought we had done what we needed to do. Unfortunately, my daughter is only one of two girls in a family that is dominated by boys and there have been no female relatives to list for legacies. We had no real experience with the whole sorority "thing". We thought, "no problem". She is incredibly accomplished. It would take a page or more to list everything. Same old story I have read in other threads, pretty, popular and personality. She is an outstanding young lady academically, GPA 4.20, saludatorian in a academically impressive prep. school, more awards than room to list. She is an incredible athlete. multiple All-State, multiple State Champion, Player of the Year, Adidas All South winner (10 state region, 5 from state). Recruited by over 25 colleges for her sport, and on and on. Everything on her application should have said "athlete, academic achievement, leader". So on bid day, the sororities that she matched so well with, cut her. We realized after multiple discussions that we didn't know how to "play the game" as well as some of the others. My daughter received a bid from a sorority that had lovely young ladies that seemed from the beginning to love her. She liked them but knew they were not a good match for her, but she was so certain she would be placed with one of the other sororities that embraced athletics and spirituality and academic achievement and she felt she had meshed with so well, she wasn't worried. After all, her #1 told her "we love you and want you and hope you love us too". She placed #3 sorority on her pref. list certain she would receive a bid from one of her 1st or 2nd choices. On bid day she received a bid from sorority #3. She was devastated and after 10 minutes of crying and trying to understand what had happened, she decided to make the best of it, give this sorority a chance and hope for the best. Within 15 minutes of being received by her new sorority, there was talk of the parties, getting "trashed" the frat boys, inquiries about her party habits and such. She is not naive, she just isn't into the party scene. You can't get "trashed" all the time and accomplish what she has.

After several days of non-stop "bonding" the topic remains the same, the girls she has talked to "don't do sports". They do not "match" like the other girls she knows. She is going to try to see if she can make this work. If it doesn't, does she have any "real" options? I wished we had done more to secure multiple recs or whatever it took to have prevented this. Accomplishment, community standing, academics and achievement meant nothing apparently. My daughter is so upset about the way things turned out. The other girls that she knows are not having this experience in their new sororities. Most of them are not into partying either but have found girls that are like them in their sororities. My daughter wished she would have only listed her 2 real choices and just not received a bid.

I am not asking for sympathy, I should have learned more about how this recruitment process worked for her sake, I just need some practical suggestions or advice if any exist, after the fact.:(

I sent you a private message.

This is all so true! Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the chapters at Auburn pretty large? Has she really met everyone in the chapter already & can say that none of them have the same interests?

Coming from a very small chapter, I cannot even comprehend what it must be like to have 150+ sisters. That's SO MANY GIRLS to talk to, to learn about, to form bonds with. You cant (and wont) be best friends with everybody in a chapter that size but you can most definitely find some friends that you value.

If she depledges, she has to wait a year to try again. And being an SEC school, chances of getting a bid as a sophomore is probably slim to none. Your daughter has approximately 5-8 weeks to decide if this chapter is the one for her. If, prior to initiation, she still doesnt feel the connection, then okay. But 1 1/2 days after bid day without HAVING the time to meet all of the new sisters, (and getting to know them) is really unfair to those sisters. If she didnt want to be in that chapter, she shouldnt have listed them on her preference card. But she did, so she *should* give them a chance. There were several girls who didnt get that option. There were several girls who didnt get a bid at all.

AUGREEKMOM, I sent you a private message.

Everyone has suggested that she give it an honest try, and I agree. It sounds like she's planning on doing that. However, if it doesn't, her only option is to voluntarily remove herself from the group PRIOR to initiation. A lot of sororities initiate within a 6-8 week period, and since you have not identified her chapter, I'll just assume that hers does as well. She should know that nothing is final until she is initiated. Once she is, she may never join another NPC sorority through formal recruitment or COR.

Once she spends more time with her chapter sisters, she just might find that niche of scholar/athletes to bond with. They are out there somewhere (hopefully)!

On the off chance that she doesn't find them, and decides to leave, her only options for joining a sorority will be to go through formal recruitment again next fall or to join through continuous open recruitment (COR) next fall or the spring after that. She cannot pledge another sorority until Fall 2008. Sophomores have a VERY distinct disadvantage at Auburn during formal recruitment, so if she does that, she should make friends with sorority members - and LOTS of them. Even with that it will be difficult.

So those are her only options: stick with it and become a lifetime member of the current sorority or depledge and take her chances as an upperclassman next year. Whatever her decision is, it should be well thought out and not rash. And she shouldn't second-guess herself! Mismatches happen! I see them all the time. So while she is in the minority, she is not a rarity. It sounds like she has her head on straight and will make the right decision for her and her future. If after a few weeks she still isn't feeling right about it, don't go through with it. The sun will still come up the next day. :)

[italic]Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't the chapters at Auburn pretty large?[/italic]

Yep, all but one are between (I think) 150 and 200-something members.

Is it considered a "Mismatch" if she listed her 3rd group on her pref card?

I think the OP is speaking emotionally, not literally.

augreekmom - I agree with everyone else who says that she needs to give it more than a couple days - there are so many women to meet! Even if they don't share her love of sports, they could turn out to be great friends who introduce her to new things, and vice versa.

Also re all the partying references, I may be completly off the mark here, but it's possible the chapter had/has a reputation for being too goody-goody and some of the girls are overcompensating with what they say. No chapter wants to be known as the drunks, but you don't want to be known as the milk and cookie chapter either.

Edit ^^^ What 33girl said. Yeah.

I agree that she should give it more of a chance and she will probably find that group of girls that is more of a fit for her. The party girls are the ones who are so vocal and up front so she might not have even met the girls who are more like her yet.

Do they still assign a "bid day buddy" (names vary) to the new girls? I know from my own experience that who your bid day buddy is plays a huge role in who you hang around with in the first couple of weeks. When I pledged I had a bid day buddy who I had never met and she and her close friends in the sorority were not really my type. It really made me question my decision.

But after a couple of weeks I got closer to the girl who eventually became my big sister and she and her group of close friends were the ones that fit me better and changed my whole experience within the sorority.

I think so. Not everyone is enthusiastic about their 3rd choice. I remember when I uncomfortably bubbled in my 3rd choice on my pref scantron. My PX didn't tell me that I did not have to put a 3rd choice - in fact, my PX made it seem like it was mandatory. I knew that I would not have been happy if I had been placed with them. My 2nd choice I would have been happy with but definitely not my third. Looking back, I think that even if I had gotten my 3rd choice and gave it a shot for a few weeks, I don't think I ever would have felt like I fit in. Sometimes a 3rd choice (or even a 2nd choice) is a mismatch. That's why I wish more recruitment counselors would let their PNMs know that it's ok to "suicide". If you feel that you will only be happy in one group, than put that one group.

I say that your daughter give it a few weeks but if she still feels uncomfortable than by all means she should drop out before initiation.

Thanks so much for all the helpful and thoughtful advice. After talking with many from this board and others that have much more insight on this than I do, I understand that just getting a bid from a large SEC school was an accomplishment in itself. For whatever reason, the sorority where my daughter ended up had loved her from the beginning and let her know that every time she visited. She doesn't understand their attraction to her, especially since this is not a very athletically involved bunch, but she is already talking about forming an intramural team if she can find some girls that are willing. If not she will try to find other ways to participate in activities that she loves. She is trying very hard to shake off her disappointment and find the positive side in the way things have turned out.

My daughter has met most of her pledge class and so far has found one young lady that shares her views on the whole "party" issue that is willing to admit it to the group. She also played the same sport in high school. My daughter will continue to seek out other like minded girls and by no means will just bail without giving it a honest effort. She is very lucky in that she has a wonderful group of friends that have rallied around her and are encouraging her to stick it out and "let the dust settle" so she can see how things really are. On a positive note, she really loves the chapter colors and is pleased that they match her dorm room colors, lol. Thanks so much to everyone for all your encouragement and advice. I understand that if she can figure out a way around the drinking and frat party issues (she has a steady boyfriend), that the rewards of sorority life far outway the bad side.

AUGreekMom

Mismatched?
 

I may be wrong but I don't think it's considered mismatched if the daughter got her 3rd choice. I went to a small school but I think it's the same anywhere. Even though the daughter got her 3rd choice she must have been on or close to sorority 3's top bid list. Mismatched means she wasn't on the top bid list on any of her choices and recieves no bids. Or that's how it used to be. I know CPH has implemented a new system over the last couple of years to cut down on mismatching. But personally I think that if you have stuck around until pref day they obviously like you and you obviously like them since you didn't cut them. So being disappointed won't help the situation. At my school we had a little saying after each rush when some sisters are disappointed that the rushee they wanted went a different sorority or if a rushee is a little unsure of themselves in the decision they made. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON! Sometimes those rushees/sorority that you thought you wanted, turn out to be the ones you're glad you didn't get. And sometimes you find that the ones you're unsure about turn out to be the best thing for the chapter/you.

So to the mom or any mom for that matter, tell her to give a chance. Meet as many people as she can. I know with a chapter that's about 80 girls much less 150+ not every girl is the same. She'll meet someone she clicks with. Just give it time. My last year in my sorority I was still really getting to know girls. Not the where are you from type stuff, I mean really know them....deepest secrets, bridesmaids type stuff. So just give it a chance...sometimes people surprise you!:cool:

Yes! I can think of a chapter on my campus who does this!

I guess I need to clarify my use of the word "mismatch". I was referring to commonalities more the "technically correct" use of the word. My daughter kept saying that they were being told that while the system wouldn't always guarantee your 1st choices, you would at least end up with with a group that wouldn't be mismatched in terms of your interests, hobbies, personalities, etc.

augreekmom - I so sympathize with your daughter, this happened to me. I think I'll post my retro recruitment story after the hoopla dies down. My chapter was my #3 and actually I was forced to go back to them in later rounds b/c I got cut from a lot of chapters and they asked me back b/c they were smaller and needed numbers.

I had been dirty rushed at one but put it at #2 because my #1 was the more socially acceptable of the two, thinking that if #1 didn't pick me, I'd fall into #2. Not quite. So I got my third choice.

I was devastated the chapter was nothing like I imagined, way too diverse and I only saw a couple people i thought I could mesh with and only my future big sister had rushed me so I didn't even know anyone.

Bid day was unbearable and I cried all day. I went to Bid Night and was horrified at other members of my pledge class, partly because they included the "weird" girl on my dorm floor and I thought I had nothing in common with anyone.

Well about a week later, the chapter got more snap bids and COBs - the computer system made a MAJOR error that year and cut about 80 women who had preffed three chapters so they ended up with NOTHING. So we had new ones trickling in all the time.

About 3 weeks into pledging, we had our retreat. There I discovered about 10 women, like me were shell shocked by our rush experience and no idea how we all got to this chapter. It was like we were orphans in Annie or something. But all 10 of us found each other to be compatible and all thought "This is not the place I wanted to be". We bonded through those thoughts and found that we were the ones we had hoped to find in our chapter.

There is a lot more to my situation than I would guess with your daughter. Our chapter at that time had gone from one of the strongest on campus 10 years before to one the of the smallest. The 10 of us bonded together, made promises that we would initiate for each other, so we could be sisters and then help to make the chapter stronger.

I never would have guessed on Bid Day that I would have stuck it out but had I just made my decision that day, I wouldn't have. I truly believe I was "chosen" to be in that chapter. I ended up making my best friends in the whole wide world and because it was a smaller chapter I got leadership opportunities I probably never would have dreamed of because at another chapter, like one I wanted through rush, I would have tried to hard to fit in and not allowed myself to grow.

I ended up getting a very prestigious leadership position with campus panhellenic and went on to be a national consultant for my sorority leading to friendships and experiences that felt hand picked for my personal and spiritual growth.

My parents went from not really understanding sororities to calling my pledging my chapter "the best decision I've ever made"

Most pledge periods range from 4 weeks to a semester, with most 6 to 8 weeks, and as long as she drops out before initiation she can re-rush next year.

I would encourage her to stick it out for awhile. At this point everything is so overwhelming, with starting classes to living on campus for the first time to rush, that she might gain some clarity with time.

it is a tremendous disappointment though and I don't want you think that you didn't play the game well or take it to be your fault. Large campuses with large greek systems are difficult to manuever and sometimes it's no one's fault but the sheer fact the larger numbers and chapters do not allow proper time to get to know what might be the best fit.

Best wishes and good luck to your daughter no matter what she decides.

Maybe she just has yet to find out what those similarities really are? Also, she might find that they already have events throughout the year that are athletic events she can participate in, and by going to those events she can bond with the other members who also enjoy them.

In any case, this is what the new member period is for-coming from an SEC school myself-the new member classes are generally pretty large & have a large range of interests & personalities. Getting to know other new members, as well as active members during this time before Initiation is key, and if she doesn't find her niche then that is OK. I would imagine that she wouldn't want any regrets for not trying.

Two years ago I listened to my daughter cry over not getting the sorority she thought she should have. She decided that she wanted the Greek experience enough to give it a try anyway. Today she is a leader in the sorority that she "wouldn't fit in with" and loves it dearly. I understand your concern as a mom, but with the leadership skills your daughter has, this sorority may be the place for her to use those, even more than the other sororities that she wanted. It's still a tough time for both of you and I pray your daughter's experience turns out as well as mine did.

yes, yes, yes to what the majority have said.

i am so glad that your daughter has found one sister with similar interests. in a few more days, i bet she has several more girls to add to that list. she will probably get a few more temporary big sisters before her permanent one is assigned, and i know that the officer in charge of that puts a lot of time and effort into trying to make each match a success.

i remember when i first pledged that i was just sort of dazed about the whole process-rush, receiving a bid, the bid day party, meeting all my pledge sisters-my head seemed to swim. it took me a few weeks to find my little niche within the pledge class, but i did.

i am so glad that your daughter has offered to help form an intramural team-all the intitiated sisters must be so impressed-i know i would be! it seems that she is already willing to take on leadership roles. good for her!!

i hope things work out for her. she is taking her rough start and turning it into a golden opportunity. good luck to her!

It might be that there are women who would like to be good at athletics but they just aren't - and admire her skills. A lot of times we choose friends and significant others because they have things that "complete" us. I can't throw a ball or anything to save my life, nor could most of my sisters, but we would have been thrilled to pledge an athlete. I don't think most people want to be around absolute clones of themselves all the time.

What she said! And ZTAngel, for the record, if you'd have gotten your second choice instead of your first, I'd have been very happy to have you across the street! ;)

AUmom-- your daughter sounds like a terrific girl. The chances of getting a bid at a school like Auburn as an upperclassman are going to be rare, so I do think she should stay put and give it some more time-- at least until just before initiation week.

She is going to be fine. My daughter was cut after third round from my own sorority and ended up with a bid to the smallest chapter on campus. After the initial tears, I insisted that she go get her bid. I know it might seem like a "pie in the sky" attitude but I believe the girls mostly end up at the place where they belong. My daughter loves, LOVES her sisters and has had leadership opportunities she might not have had if she had been in a larger chapter. She has also met many girls in my chapter and says they are all very sweet, exceptional girls but that she does not believe she fits in with them. I asked her this morning if she had the chance to change places and be a member of any other sorority on campus would she make the switch. Her reply: Not a chance!!! My best to your daughter. I'm sure she will have a wonderful and memorable freshman year.

3rd choice
 

My daughter does not see herself at her 3rd choice at all. From Day 1 she did not feel the connection but just like Auburn mom's daughter said, she kept being told how happy they would be to have her. She really never understood why since the conversations were not very stimulating.

Well it came time today to complete the pref card and with advice of go ahead and put them down, you can always drop before initiation, she went ahead and put them down as #3.

She is soooo worried now because if she doesn't get either # 1 or # 2 she would rather go into COB because there were many others she liked better than her #3 today. I truly wish she was not given the "drop before initiation" advice today. If she left it off her list then another girl could technically get that spot. If she declines the bid then the house could pick up someone in COB but my daughter would be out of COB.

I pray tonight that she gets #1 or #2 as she would be happy at both and does not even have to be in the same situation as AuburnMom's daughter as my heart would also ache.

I am so proud of Auburn Mom's daughter for taking initiative with her house and looking to start an intramural team!

COB isn't much of a viable option at UGA in terms of having more groups to choose from.

Unless it's a year the campus raised total, few groups participate and even fewer have open events.

I will pray for your daughter as well. I hope she doesn't have to go through the self-doubt and confusion this brings when it doesn't work out well. It hurts immensely when there isn't anything we as parents can do to console such hurt feelings. Just when I think mine is feeling a little better, she hears about another girl she knows that did get into her #1 and once again can't shake the feeling that she did something wrong or wasn't good enough. I may be wrong but I am not sure why the girls list their preferences. Somehow I'm not sure they have much of a choice really unless you have the right connections whether through recs, legacy or personal connections regardless of what is on their resume. I still pray this works out. She told me this afternoon if it didn't that she would never put herself through this again.

Even if you have recs, legacy status, or chapter connections, you still may not receive a bid. I have known MANY women who had friends in a certain chapter and still did not get in--sometimes that is just the way it works. Mostly everyone who goes through recruitment goes through an emotional roller coster, even at smaller schools. Your daughter's just happens to be one of the most competitive Greek systems in the country. The result of her recruitment is most likely nothing your daughter did, and I know it is difficult to understand, but unless you have been in an NPC sorority or have Panhellenic Council experience, you don't know exactly what goes into the process. I hope your daughter's experience fairs better for her in the coming weeks.

About the party scene.....
Most of the pledges are on their own for the first time. They have no one to report to , or to tell them what they can and can't do. IMHO all of the constant 'party' talk is going to die down a bit as the novelty of being on their own wears off. There will always be some die-hard partiers in every group, but those who partake in moderation will find their niche soon enough. Also, if I am not mistaken, Auburn Panhellenic has an annual powderpuff football game that your daughter may be interested in. I am sure that out of 150-200 girls that the girls who are athletes will find each other and your daughter will have some like minded compadres.

Can this be sticky'd to the top of the forum?
 

Excellent example of if PNMs only gave smaller chapters a chance they could turn the chapters into what they want!

I believe you are right on in regards to all the party talk as well. I also think that many keep quiet because of peer pressure. She made her own mistakes with drinking and we are thankful that the lessons she learned resulted in her dislike for too much "overindulgence".

As far as the powder puff football game, she has heard about it and can't wait. While she is still somewhat upset about things, I think as school begins she will sort it out one way or another. If in a couple of weeks she still feels the same, she hopefully will find peace in what ever she decides to do.

The daughter of a good friend of mine had a slightly different experience in a similar situation.

The woman was participating in rush at a southern university were rush is rather competitive. She received the maximum amount of invitations through every round and gave deep thought as to which invitations to accept. When it came time to submit her perference card, she decided to withdraw from the process.

I eventually asked her why she made such a decision. She said that while she met a number of young women that she felt that she "bonded" with on individual basis, she felt she made no connection with any of the sororities on a "communal basis."

I asked her if she ever regretted her decision. She said in looking back that she had mixed emotions. Overall she said she had a very positive college experience, but often wondered what she missed by not joining a sorority.

She also noted that she isn't much of a joiner when it comes to organizations and is even less of a joiner when it comes to women's organizations.

Some of my fondest memories are of cheering on my sorority's intramural teams. We participated in every season: Flag Football, Basketball, Volleyball, Table Tennis, Soccer, Swimming, Bowling, Softball. You name it, we did it. We weren't the best, but it sure was fun going out there every Monday night and trying. And it was always fun to go out for dinner afterwards.

Also, if your daughter has concerns, tell her to go talk to her New Member Educator. That's what she is there for. She can give her encouragement, and possibly introduce her to sisters with similar interests.

This is why I think the phrase "Go where you feel you belong" is ridiculous! How can you really know that you have a communal bond with a group when you only know ~10 members and their general stats. "Wow...I feel so at home at ABC cuz their colors are black and black...I love black and black!" It's stupid. This also makes people think that if they don't feel that special "home" feeling, then they just don't belong. It takes time to discover the complexities of your entire chapter and the sides of your sisters behind the partying before you can really belong to anything.

I'm glad that your daughter is giving it a try. If she has given it a chance and is still not happy then she will have no regrets later on. Had she never tried then she would always have a small part of her wondering 'what would' or 'what could' have happened if she would have pledged. I wish her the best of luck!

This is the thing that has so confused my daughter and I can understand why. She went through rush and received the maximum invitations each time. As the cuts were made with each round, she kept getting invited back to her favorites. On pref. day, her choices are determined by her feelings for a group and what she perceives as their feelings about her. When you are told on your visits that the sorority feels great about you and what you can offer them and the feeling is mutual, you are reassured because they keep inviting you back. They become your top choices. As the process goes on, you cut those that you may have liked, but were unsure of so you end up limiting yourself in what you can write on that pref. list at the end. She now wishes she wouldn't have cut some from her list because she was basing her choices on possible false impressions. You can't get those back. Am I looking at this the wrong way?

You can always look at what might have been...but ultimately you need to look at what is. It's my understanding that ALL of the organizations at Auburn are outstanding. Things happen, not everyone ends up at their first choice, but it's up to the person to make the best of the situation.

Recruitment is not a "for sure" process and ultimately the chapters choose the women that they feel best fit their needs, creed, values, etc. We as members and non-members both can't second guess their process because we were not there. Why not let it be and let your daughter figure it out? Are you sure that your daughter is not having the chance to fully enjoy it because she knows how you feel about the situation? I'm not being snarky here, just asking a question.

Quite a few women on GC have not gotten their first choice org in recruitment, and some have not gotten in at all. I didn't get my first choice, but you know what? I'm happier for it now because I made the best of it and found people in my organization that I could relate to, and ultimately joining a sorority is so much more than the 4 years one is a collegian.

ETA: I can also almost guarantee you that not everyone in her org. is about getting trashed and partying...the sheer size of each of the chapters at Auburn leads me to believe that there is a little bit of everything in each one. If she truly is unhappy, then she should depledge before initiation. However she should know that with recruitment the way it is at Auburn, she may not be able to get a bid as a sophomore.

Also, I don't know if you've done it yet, but check out the sororities websites. They ALL have women in sports and honors societies.
https://fp.auburn.edu/greek/sororities.htm

I can't find one I wouldn't have joined as a freshman. :)

As I said in past posts, she is giving it a chance, meeting new people, accepting that this is how it is. I guess I was simply explaining why she was confused. I was asking for my own clarification. I have really appreciated any information that I have learned by those on this board. I can't tell you how helpful it has been. I have shared some of the stories with my daughter and it has helped her realize that her situation is not unique and that most end happily if given some time. As I said in an earlier post, if she decides to withdraw, she will not try to get into another sorority. She has a great group of friends at Auburn that have all also survived rush with a bid and even though they are in different sororities, they are supporting and encouraging each other. I'm sure that whatever she decides, will be ok. I do wish I had found this board BEFORE rush. I think it would prepare those of us that were so clueless to help our daughters be prepared for anything, and if it doesn't turn out as they hoped, give them the assurance that it can still have a happy ending as long as they have an open mind, a forgiving heart and stay true to themselves.