I need help to try and stop my mom from harrassing me about my fraternity
 

So as a first year student at Rutgers University this past year, I was one of only four people from my graduating class to be attending the school (and all the rest were girls) and only one of six total from my school to be attending there this current year (and I was not to close to those guys at all) so I knew pretty well that I was going to be meeting new people. Going into school I was against joining a fraternity but after the first night of my wonderful college year I knew I wanted to join a fraternity and I know exactly where I wanted to pledge (see if you can guess what it is), however to my mom it was always ALWAYS school first. Now at rutgers, freshman cannot rush a fraternity or sorority until the second semester of their first year so I did have a lot of time to think about my decision and the whole first semester I got really close to a bunch of the brothers at my fraternity of choice, but still there was this big thing of getting this past my mother (who might be smaller than me and can be the sweetest woman in the world, BUT you DONT piss her off and I am still deathly afraid of her haha yes I know im a mamas boy) and she was 150 percent against greek life, especially me, the first person in the family to go to college, to join in the wonders that is greek life. So second semester came and still after many many attempts to convice my mom to let me join she still said no, but i was not going to let this stop me (bad idea). So i secretly attended all the rush events and accepted my bid, thinking I can keep it quiet till the end of the semester where I would prove to my mom that fraternity life would not affect my grades. Well this secrecy lasted oh a whole four hours as I got a very angry call the next morning about my decision. So after a few hours of debate with many harsh words thrown around I had finally convinced my mom to let me continue with pledging and that if I didnt keep a 3.4 GPA that I would have to pay for my entire college fees, instead of just half. So I finished pledging and now I am living home for the summer, but still I can see the dissappointment in my mom about my decision and this beats me up inside, even though my decision to pledge was the best I ever made, but I still cant convince her that its not all about partying and "paying for my friends" (thats the biggest thing she uses to piss me off) but that it was about the lifelong brotherhood, and being apart of something more than just me and that this is my family when Im away from home and now I have 60 best friends in the entire world, my family means the world to me especially my mother since we went through a lot just the two of us (no this is not a will smith reference) and i would really like to ease my moms feelings of dissapointment, please fellow Greeks, anyone else ever been in this situation and can anyone offer me some advice? Thanks

RutgersPIKE

For some reason, I have always liked the Men of PIKE...

Question: How independent do you want to be from your mother?

I really think her issue is that 1) College is there for you to LEARN!!! 2)You know those FRAT parties and 3) I don't think she does NOT support your decision - it is more like, she doesn't understand it and it makes her extremely worried...

Which brings me, you have to live your life... It is YOUR education, not your mom's and YOU are responsible for all that you put in your head. Whatever you want to achieve in your life is ALL ON YOU NOW...

So, if you mom doesn't want pay for school--guess what! You need to visit the student loan or scholarship office...

And any member of a GLO needs to always improve on scholarship - nothing is wrong with that. And you need to have balance to feel a part of your Fraternity... All people need that connection they to what they feel strongly about.

Don't give up on you mom. I think she will change. However, you have to give her time. Because, really, she is probably freaking about her SON making HIS OWN decisions more than what she had control over.

Thanks and to answer your question, I dont want to be that independent from my mom, we are real close and she is my best friend, I do not disagree with her that school comes first and I wouldnt mind paying for college myself since I have twin little brothers coming up and I know its going to be tough for her to put them through college, however being a Criminal Justice major having my mom and dad pay for half my student loans will really help me out in the future since Im going to be living off a state troopers salary but I dont mind keeping my grades up since I grew up with my mom pushing me to my fullest potential academically, I thank you for your advice and I will not give up my mom and as for it being MY education, im my moms "baby" gross i know lol, but for the longest time it was just her and me growing up in tough times and she doesnt want me to screw up my opportunities and I am able to balance academics and social, as well as she has a hard time letting go, but I thank you agian for your advice, and of course those kind words about us PIKE boys, thanks again

RutgersPIKE

So are more State Troopers, criminal justice majors these days? I dunno. And there are quite of few GCers that are in law enforcement around hear.

Actually, you need to speak to Jon and DeltaAlum is extremely helpful. There are a few others I could point out. There are also your PIKE brothers here that are ultra-professional.

I work at a large University in the Pacific Northwest. So, I know what it takes to get kids through college. In fact, I am faculty...

The issue you are having is not knowing ALL the things in your future. Grades should be kept up, but one goes to college to expand their breadth and depth of knowledge and wisdom...

Mostly all GCers here who are older have their degrees. Many have secondary and tertiary degrees. So, you are gaining insight and access to a lifestyle unimaginable.

PM folks you need to.

And like I said, when you see your mom again, give her a hug and kiss and tell her she is a wonderful mother... When's the last time you did that anyways? ;)

RutgersPIKE,

Maybe your chapter could have a "Parents Weekend" where you invite all the parents of the actives and pledges, have a nice barbecue or even a sit down banquet depending on your budget. You could do a slide show that shows your brotherhood and philanthropy. Maybe intercut it with clips of brothers talking about what Pike means to them.

Then you could do some sort of appreciation skit for the moms, grandmas, whoever else attends and give them a rose or whatever the fraternity flower is.

You gotta get moms at their hearts -- they cry when you start kindergarten, they cry at assemblies, they cry when you start college, when you get married, etc. But they ESPECIALLY cry when they are appreciated.

I'm tellin you.... a rose and a tear-jerking song and she will never give you a hard time again. :)

Awwww......Now I going to go hug my mommy:).....she might cry.

Thats a great idea and so true at the same time and I know that to my mom being apart of a family, no matter what kind of family that is, is extremely important to her, she just has a bad case of empty nest i think, I know we are talking about revamping our parents weekend, the only problem is convincing my mom to come up for the weekend lol

and to answer the other question, I give my mom a hug almost everyday I am not upset at her for having her feelings, I would just like her to see the many good things about greek life, and I will make sure i go up to her right now and tell her how much i love her and respect her opinion and what a wonderful mother she is as soon as im done typing this, ill even wake her up lol, but i will also tell her that i am certainly capable of making my own decisions, after all she is the one who raised me, that should help lol

You could also use online sources to show the positives of being in a fraternity. Or use movies/tv shows ( tho whatever you do, keep her away from that "ABC tv show that shall not be named" ) to show great examples. Go to the PIKE website and show her who some famous brothers where. Also, use what you know about her hobbies and interests to find out if that person was Greek.

Best of luck to you..

When our children make their first BIG decision and it is the opposite of what we want, we get angry. Then we are not quite sure how to turn it around without looking weak, so you stay angry until we can find a way to save face. I totally agree with Senusret. Don't just tell her, but keep showing what a positive influence it has had on you. Maybe you can get a couple of your line brothers to write a letter to her telling her what a great guy you are and how they appreciate her for that.

And don't forget, she is probably still grieving you being away from her. It took me until my daughter's second semester sophomore year, before I stopped grieving her absence.

I love when parents, or other people for that matter, say that we are paying for our friends. Personally, I have always paid for my friends (now I know your jaws all just hit the floor. Pick them up and roll your tongues back in your mouth). Since I was 4 years old I have played baseball (you can substitute football, basketball, hockey, etc... what ever fits you) and guess what? Baseball, etc... Cost money. The friendships I made through baseball are about 1/2 as important in my life as my fraternity brothers yet they are still friendships. So I guess I paid for my friends, during my childhood as well.

Now we are all praised for going to college/university and yet again we have to take out our check books, our credit cards, student loans, grants, scholarships, money out of mommy and daddy's pocket, etc... Guess what that all means anyone you meet in college, often times this will include your future spouse and the mother/father of your parents grand-kids, is a paid for friend.

When you move on to the professional world, again you are presented with the challenge of buying your friends. We all paid for the knowledge that we have now that got us into the careers that we now cherish. So again our friends were paid for.

Think about it people, nearly every person (outside of family members) that we associate with are paid for.

My advice to you is to be honest with your mother tell her how much the fraternity means to you and where you can benefit the fraternity and where the fraternity can benefit you. Tell her that you aren't paying for friends and that life is to short for you and her to argue over these things.

Your mother not paying for your education is not the end of the world. You can do it without her there are grants and loans out there that can help you meet ends meet and trust me the repayments of the loans are not that bad.

So I take it you didn't make a 3.4? You said that you and her both agreed that you would have to pay for everything IF you didn't get a 3.4.

yea i got a 3.0 but that was due to an ex girlfriend not pledging, but she was nice enough to say that due to those circumstances, NEXT semester i gotta get a 3.4, see she loves me haha

wow i never thought of that at all about the paying for the friends, but i have explained to my mom how much it means to me, but she thinks i should of gotten my grades in check first and that i could still of had friends without pledging a fraternity (little does she know exactly what this bond means)

It sounds like she loves you and even though she may not agree with your decision, she isn't so dead set against it that she would pull her support...otherwise when you got the 3.0, she would have blamed the fraternity no matter what else happened. I am going to guess that she doesn't like it, but she's not going to do anything too drastic. Likely, it will just take time for her to see the changes in you and benefits...

That said, you need to keep those grades up anyway--- for you, for her and for the fraternity! Good luck!

yea i know :( i let other things affect my schoolwork, oh well arent you allowed one semester in your college life to screw up? this will be the last time that happens

Definitely listen/ do everything that AKA_Monet and others have said, they are great ideas, and there are a lot of parents AND greeks on here, so they can give you a great perspective.

It IS hard when parents are against something that you love so much. My parents DID NOT understand why I put everything I had into my sorority. They know that I'm social and have a lot of friends, etc, but I almost always went above and beyond the call of duty (sometimes to the detriment of health, sanity and grades :o).
My dad came and visited me my senior year, and actually stayed at my sorority house and absolutely loved my sisters, and even though he shook his head at me from time to time, he understood. My mom didn't come to visit me while I was in the sorority until I graduated. She met my sisters, hung out, etc and fell in love too. She also has a greater understanding of the benefits of the sorority because she is the VP of her teacher's union. She now understands what the cost is for the success of the organization as a whole. I am such a stronger person and a leader, rather than a follower, and I credit that to the sorority.

My point is, invite her to visit the house, meet your brothers, and hopefully she'll understand that it isn't about partying, it's SO much more than that. (community service, philanthropy, leadership training, connections, and brotherhood, etc :) )
GOOD LUCK!!!

I'm confused. How does an ex-gf not pledging have something to do with you getting a 3.0 and not a 3.4?

I think he meant that the ex-girlfriend affected his grades; pledging did not. Not "my ex-girlfriend didn't pledge, so I only got a 3.0." Right?

You've said you are the first in your family to go to college so obviously you're the first to go Greek. It sounds like she's caught up with all the negative Animal House stereotypes that are out there. Do you or better still your mom know any Greek alums? Regardless of the fraternity or sorority. Perhaps if she talked to someone else besides you she might better understand what being Greek really means and how it can benefit you your whole life. An alum has "been there, done that" and learned the true value of being Greek including lifelong brother/sisterhood, leadership skills, the importance of community service and above all scholastic achievement.

My mom wasn't really on board with it until she met my pledge pop and some of my pledge brothers. Then she was all for it, as they are a great bunch of guys. Even now when we talk she asks for updates on "the boys".

"yea i got a 3.0 but that was due to an ex girlfriend not pledging, but she was nice enough to say that due to those circumstances, NEXT semester i gotta get a 3.4, see she loves me haha"

LOL! I re-read this and inserted a comma after the word girlfriend and it takes on a different meaning--the intended one. :)

It also may have been your mom has done some research, but about the wrong chapters of your fraternity. Every national fraternity has good chapters and bad chapters. I don't know anything about your chapter, but I know at USM, Pikes are not popular by any means. They always fight with the other fraternities and many of them go on academic probation at the end of each semester,while Millsaps College Pikes are the best men on campus. You also might want to make sure that a situation like that is not going on where you mom has studied a little bit about your fraternity and only found stuff about the bad chapters. I agree with the idea of having a family day that would be a great opportunity to show her what it means to you.

I take since only a Mom is mentioned, there is no Dad.

Moms are the most protective and worriesome of either of the two parents in life.

I have been the first to go to college in my total family and the only one to join a GLO. Neither were sure about this and I am sure worried.

Well, I left a Fraternity and started a local that later affiliated with a major Fraternity.

They would visit and got to know the Guys (Brothers) and were warmly welcomed and accepted by them.

The main problem may be the unkmow for Mom. Her little boy is on his own and is really worried about you.:)

Just try to not prove her wrong!:D

right sorry to make that confusing, i broke up with my ex of three years so i was depressed and let it affect my school, pledging did not affect my grades

my dad was just pissed that i went behind their backs and pledged, but he said right away that it was my decision and i had to live with the affects of that decision, hes a real easy going guy

I've been out of school a long time, but neither of my parents wanted me to join a fraternity. My mother had been in a sorority, but my father had gone the Navy route instead of college and didn't understand what a fraternity was all about. They ultimately let me make my decision, but for a while they were very apprehensive about the fraternity. It wasn't until they actually got to know some of my brothers and see how truly happy I was that they dropped their objections.

Ultimately I became a Greek Life advisor, and while my father never understood what I did (he thought I planned keg parties for a living), they both realized that joining a fraternity was ultimately the right move for me.

Give your mom time, she'll eventually start to see it from your perspective. Moms often look at things from the worst-case-scenario viewpoint, but in time if she sees her fears aren't coming true she'll ease on her objections. (and it doesn't change, no matter how old you get, Mom will always worry!)

"Maybe your chapter could have a "Parents Weekend" where you invite all the parents of the actives and pledges, have a nice barbecue or even a sit down banquet depending on your budget. You could do a slide show that shows your brotherhood and philanthropy. Maybe intercut it with clips of brothers talking about what Pike means to them.

Then you could do some sort of appreciation skit for the moms, grandmas, whoever else attends and give them a rose or whatever the fraternity flower is."

Wow. That is a great idea. I don't know if fraternities or sororities ever do something like this, but as a parent, I would love it.

RutgersPIKE, just remember to be honest with your parents. I always tell my daughter that I can accept just about anything she does, except for lying. It breaks that bond of trust.

I wish you the best and I hope you find a new girlfriend. :)

wow its funny how people think what they have to say about my school and fraternity really bothers me, I know that im in a great school and a great fraternity, i dont know if its jealousy or what not, but whatever people can say what they want to say and you can take this topic, which will probably be locked now cause people are to immature to say anything otherwise, and trash my fraternity and my school, but hey it doesnt bother me cause unlike those people im happy with the decisions i made and i never trash other fraternities because we are all greek and all have the same ideas and beliefs so say what you want and hey if you want me to be butt of your jokes (which really arent that funny, if you were going to trash me, you could of picked better jokes come on now) and make yourselves look like idiots and i thank all the people who are mature for the help the advice was great and im in the process of planning this parent weekend. and for those peopel who trash pike, we know its jealousy so we love when peopel trash us haha

Good point Rutgers... And I mean, wth??? Giving us a hard time? Rutgers and University of Tulsa are private schools that cost roughly 6x's (or more) as much to attend then most universities. Oh Well :rolleyes: (yes, I did the research on cost... I think Rutgers is private, right?).

No rutgers is the state university of new jersey, we were offered a bid into the ivy league a long time ago but we turned it down because rutgers didnt want to become a private school and have its tuition shoot up, but that doesnt stop much of the rest of the nation thinking its an ivy league school, there was a quote in the star ledger (newark nj newspaper) saying that Rutgers isv"inarguably America's cockiest, smartest party school. The only school in history who rejected their Ivy League invitation" its a fact that everyone here jokes about haha