Cutting the Umbilical Cord
 

I read about a recent trend of young grads taking their PARENTS with them to job interviews...

And just today, I read about parents at their student's schools during rush...

Are kids today having problems cutting the cord?

I guess rush is one thing, since most of these kid's parents are probably paying the tuition, and therefore get more of a say...but when you've graduated, it's time to move on. If your parents are going with you to job interviews, etc, it's time to tell them to cool it. And if you're living with them, get out ASAP. Find a temp job to pay the bills until you land your first big career-oriented job.

Its not the kid's responsibility to cut the cord. The problem lies with "helicopter" parents.

Although it seems wacky, some of these kids dont know that their parents ARENT supposed to be with them 24/7, so they cant cut the cord.

The parents need to step back and i dont think a child who has been overscheduled and overprotected for the last 22-24 years even KNOWS that they have been smothered.

the kid i wrote about in this thread went book shopping this weekend to buy books for his first semester of college... WITH HIS MOM.

I'm finding just a bit of irony in this post.

Or, at the very least, self-fufilling prophesy.

my bad i was editing while you were writing! and i am having a hilarious visual right now.

WHA?

"so billy, what qualities do you think you have that are a good fit for this job?"

"i dont know...mom, what do you think?"

i said it before on here, and im gonna say it again. unless they are doing financial aid paperwork, your parents have no business following you around on campus. period. LET ALONE job interviews. the closest they should be is in the parking lot, in the car waiting.

that is why your child comes running home at 33 after he loses his/her job. that is why they run to you when they have relationship issues. that is why they never move out!!

there was a really good article and discussion on this topic in the washington post a couple of years ago. i'll see if i can dig it up.

I seem to remember the parents had more to do with salary requirements/negotiations and benefits, than actual "interview" questions.

Although I still can't believe that these kids wouldn't realize that their parents were going way ABOVE and BEYOND parental support.

IF you came into my office, and had a parent along to assist in salary/benefit negotiations, i would seriously reconsider hiring you. its one thing to discuss at home, etc. especially if its maybe your first real job. i think thats actually a good idea.

but i cannot hire you and then the first time something comes up, im on the phone with your mom...

I have only experienced one parent ever coming to the job interview with a potential new hire (which I will now refer to as PNHs). However, the parent was simply providing a ride for the PNH and was going to wait in the car the entire time. Since it was a hot day, I offered to the PNH that his Dad could wait in the lobby.

The Dad did exactly that- sat in the lobby with a cup of coffee and a magazine. No way would he have been allowed in the actual interview.

As for salary or benefit negotiations, I only deal with the PNH directly. Talking to anyone else would be a breach of confidentiality-- and I would probably throw in that it is against company policy (and if it's not- I'll write a policy so that it is!).

I personally have more problems with helicopter spouses than helicopter parents. But at least I understand why some spouses hover- they are married to blithering idiots!

very true...

As someone who takes phone calls several times a week from wives of both employees and "PNHs" (I like that)...I understand. I'll have a wife call and ask if we're hiring, go to our website, print off an application and fax it (obviously in her handwriting) along with a resume that looks like it's straight out of a resume book/wizard.:rolleyes:

these are the same wives who will choke their husbands if they asked them to do that for them...now i will admit, i do some faxing and emailing for mines, but he works in a kitchen where there is no internet access. i dont mind the little things, because he knows good and well if he can get to it he damn well better do it himself.

Meddling Moms
 

Now, I'm still in school and all, but that doesn't give my input less gravity, right?

Anyway, I think the issue really lies in the way the child was raised. It starts at a very young age with the parents making small decisions for the child. "Honey, you need to wear this shirt with those pants because the shirt you have on doesn't match." Who gives a flying flip??! The kid is 4 years old and he needs to start somewhere with decision making.

Those parents are also the ones who insist on having their child repeat kindergarten because (and only because) when the mom was in school she also had a late birthday and didn't get her permit, liscense, first date whatever when all of her friends did. (Yes, I know the person this happened to and she is 22 years old and on the phone with her parents 22 hours out of the day)

Those are the same parents that set the girl's class schedule in high school until she graduates, picks her major for her and then plans her class schedule every semester of college until she graduates.

Those children are not raised to make decisions, let alone think independantly! They wouldn't know how to act in an interview and they would only feel safe with mommy by their side.

Seriously--I was allowed to wear a orange and purple tiedye shirt with red and fushcia shorts and I turned out just fine. In fact, I call my mom only to ask for her opinion---and the advice she gives is not the final say.

BRAVO! @AlwaysSAI!

my parents made sure we had to step up and make choices. once we were "grown" they rarely like to be bothered with our decisions, to the point where dad told us he better not have his future sons-in-law ask for our hand in marriage. he felt it was an adult decision between a man and woman.

and honestly, mama's boys are the worst. seriously. that is where it all begins...

I love my parents to death- but I can't imagine talking to them more than once a week. I still call them every Sunday evening, just like I did in college. So if I do call on an off-day they usually start to freak out that something is wrong!

As for the helicopter wives- our insurance open enrollment starts right after I return from Maternity leave. That's when most of them come out of the woodwork and bombard me with e-mails and phone messages (and God forbid I don't return the calls!).

I even have one employee that forwards EVERY HR e-mail I send out to his wife. I recently had to check with the wife before I set up some training for the employee. Talk about a short leash!

This is actually a trend?????
I am still very close to my parents and siblings, but, rush??? job interviews??? who would hire these people? who would bid anyone who showed up for rush with mummy and daddy???
OK, if you are a legacy and/or your dad is president of the alumni chapter a discrete note or phone call or quiet word dropped in the right ear could be helpful. But to come with you?
Like the kid said to Shoeless Joe Jackson, "say it ain't so Joe!"

As a recent grad, I'm going on out-of-state interviews later this week and my parents will be traveling with me. But there's NO WAY I will let them come WITH me to the interview- I told them they can drop me off or I'll drop them off and pick them up (we're only taking one car). They're mostly going to be helping me out on my apartment-search; the job search has been left up to me.

I think I still need my parents input on some things like looking for my first non-college apartment.. they just know a lot more about that stuff than I do. And while they've made it clear that they aren't going to cut me off when I move, I personally want to be as financially independent as possible. None of my other friends who graduated in May with me seem to feel like this.. only one other works full time, the rest are "taking the summer off" aka living off their parents wallets until they feel like job hunting.

I think the parents being with kids while they were going through recruitment example was more a case of like...moms getting a hotel room in the college town so that they could help their daughters get ready/comfort them when they got through the day, especially if they got cut from a favorite house. I'm not saying I think it's a good idea, but I could see where it would be a temptation for a mom. Well, not for MY mom but for certain moms.

My 2 2/3 year old decided to leave the house the other day in 95 degree weather in sweatpants and a longsleeve blouse. She was going to the aircondtioned babysitter's house, so I didn't say anything, and sent a onsie along, just in case. No big deal.

I did however, make her change to go to the babysitters one day when she was wearing purple patterned pajama bottoms, a red tank top, and an orange sweater..I draw the line at Baglady Chic. Plus, you can't ALWAYS let them have their way...there's a fine line.

I <3 that post. Seriously.

And, yes, there is a line to be drawn. But, me, I'm sure I looked like the baglady's kid. My sister and I were often allowed to go out of the house in our halloween costumes in the middle of July. I have CP which has caused me some mobility issues and when I was like 2 years old, I am dragging myself along the concrete with my elbows while my sister was walking alongside my mom. Someone asked my mom why she didn't carry me and my mom replies, "When she decides she wants to walk, she will. Until then, this is how she has chosen to get around." (Of course the story was told to me after the fact and no, I never did learn how to crawl. I went from dragging to walking.)

My mom and I were cleaning out my room because I'm moving out and I had the euthenization papers from a guinea pig that was put down when I was like 10. I asked my mom why she let me keep that kind of stuff and she replies "Your stuff was your stuff and I never quesitoned you on it. If you wanted to keep that paper, it was yours to keep."

:p

Sadly this sort of over-parenting seems to be more common than in times past. Recently I had a mother drive 5+ hours to campus and want to sit in on her daughter's standards meeting. Excuse me? I don't think so. :eek:

This is my parents. the only difference is that since i graduated from high school I reaslized what my mom was doing and would not let her behave this way. She still tells me what to do and will get mad at me for not listening to her. This includes anything like her telling me that I am not using the right bank (yeah she yelled at me about that) to more personal things. The sad part is that I have wanted my mom to let me be an adult since high school graduation, but all of my realtives seem to yell at me for being mean to my mom. What? I am being mean because I don't let my mom control my life. WOW. I guess I am just the worlds worst person because I want to be an adult and live my own life. I should really just be ashamed that I am such a mean person that I do not let my mother control my life. well, i guess i am just going to hell for sure now.

LOVE this thread.
A class I had a year ago had this same discussion and there were tons of kids who admitted to asking their parents with doing their resume, coming to school to see them for small things like having a bad day, going to interviews, etc. Two girls even admitted that their parents edit their papers (and not in a I'll check for typos way). I can't stand this label being put on kids in my generation but it's so true and its disgusting. My parents have always been there to support me and guide me, but not write my resume and cover letter much less go to the interview and expect to be inside! I understand calling your parents everyday if you are a freshman, 3000 miles away and you are homesick for a while. But when you can't even bear to be apart from your parents because something MIGHT go wrong and you don't know how to handle it yourself, it's time to grow up. How will anyone ever learn if they never make the mistake on their own?

When my wife gets here, I'll give you my opinion.

I used to work as the receptionist at the Dean's Office for one of the colleges at my university. I can't tell you the number of times a parent would call and want to speak to a professor (or the Dean!!!) because their kid got a bad grade on a paper or was sick on a test day or -enter random excuse here- and wanted us "fix the situation." Never once can I recall a student acting that way, but I got calls like that from parents a few times a week.

I agree with this and that it's a pain to get your license last and I would prevent my child from being in that position. However, I would do so by just holding the kid back from going to kindergarten for a year. Can't they do that where you are?

We had to be 5 by September 1 to start kindergarten. If you weren't (ex, if your BD was Sept 3) tough - you did not start. I know some schools still do Feb 1, which I think is way stupid. When was this girl's birthday?

Mariana's birthday is Oct 11, and the current cutoff is Oct 16th. It will probably change by the time she gets into school, but if it doesn't we're going to have a decision to make, on whether she should start when she's 4 or 5. If she continues advancing cognitively at her current rate, we'll probably go ahead and start her at 4...but like I said, we probably won't even have the choice by then.

Aug. 17th.

The thing is that the mom faught relentlessly with the principal. There was no reason to hold her back accept for that. When the principal blantantly refused, she moved and changed school districts.

I just wish the girl would grow up. Her parents are going to die eventually and probably before her...what is she going to do then?

oh, well then, that is stupid. I was thinking of one of my sisters whose 21st BD wasn't till Feb of her senior year. then again, not being Pgh native born, it seems like some of the schools around here are much looser w/ early starts & double promotions than the schools where I grew up in hick-land.

:D when she gets here, she'll give you your opinion!

There goes the point...

It went that way --->

And when she gets here, he'll give you the opinion that she gave him! Because she's the one giving and he's just passing it along! See what's happening is that he doesn't have an opinion until she fills him in!

It's a crazy crazy loop! Holy crap!

Back on topic - I had a former student who never set his alarm at college - his mother called to wake him up every morning. He dropped out - and is now, God help him, in Iraq. Mom can't call and wake him up now . . .

My daughter is applying to college, and I am constantly slapping my hand to keep from "helping" too much. This is her deal, and she is practically an adult,so although it is KILLING me I'm going to send her to Baltimore on her own for her campus visit/interview in September. Sigh.

I know it's painful- but GOOD FOR YOU! It's one thing to be there for your child if she asks for help or an opinion, it's another thing to helicopter!

I personally think my parents are cool. They pay for food and the movies and stuff. But, when I wanted to talk to my age group, I did not what my parents seeing me... They would say ALL kinna things that piss me off, to "why you talking to the snaggle tooth boy" (who is really a man and I had to talk to him to leave me alone); to "if you gonna go out, wear this business suit to the beach!" (Yes, it's an exaggeration).

But really, I cut my cord to my parents when I left home for college West Coast to the South... I found myself having to move back to the West Coast. However, as soon as I found a "relatively stable job", I moved out. No one telling me a 23+ year old that I had a curfew at 11 PM... NOT!!! :rolleyes:

Then, I left SoCal and moved to Texas. My folks helped me move into a nice apartment. But, I was responsible for ALL the payments... Anyhow, when I fainted at work and had to be hospitalized, my boss who is a physician, called my mother and told her what happened. So, I am grateful of that.

Now, that I am married, my mom freaks and my dad is goofy. But they are old and I have to speak to them. They are preoccupied with my little nephew right now and that makes them happy. But, I refuse to request monetary assistance from them or constantly consult them in any of my major decisions. Why? Because, when we got married, my husband and I CLEAVED unto each other and became ONE... And we promised to let no one put us asunder... And yes, it goes both ways.

Honestly, my folks may have given me lots of freedom and independence when I was too young to know up from down. That's the beauty of growing up, it is fraught with mistakes that you are suppose to learn from. When you are an adult, you still make mistakes, but your buffer is reduced. And while some parents cannot let go, many do and remain proud that their kids are living the life they choose...

Yesterday, the mom of one of my fall semester students showed up in my office and exclaimed, "Hi! I'm a helicopter parent!" and I'm thinking, "You better not mess with me, lady..." So far she's only introduced herself.

Y'all cut your parents some slack, though. :) Parenthood is rough and you're forever wondering if you're doing the right thing. Yes, even if you have as many as I do.

You speak the truth.

I do try to remember that most people are trying to do the best they can and that sometimes we all make mistakes. But the difficulty in parenting doesn't excuse craziness or people who want to mess with your professional life for a tiny gain for their kids.

And I really do see it several a year. Fortunately, it's not often directed at me personally, but nutty sports parents, nutty grade grubbing parents, nutty band parents really sort of start to destroy your faith in humanity sometimes. And sometimes, people really do need to be told that what they are doing is inappropriate or even wrong.

(Now, not all helicopter parents lack ethics like the folks I mentioned above. Some just can't let go in any way or think that sparing their kids any failure makes them good parents. They are just misguided, but not evil.)

But some people really do cross the line into unethical or immoral behavior. Just because your kid is involved doesn't make everything you do on their behalf right. Just because you kid's feelings are hurt doesn't mean he or she has been attacked or victimized. Just because you fear a negative outcome doesn't mean you should intervene. We need to try to get parents to conduct themselves accordingly.

But I have no idea what that means when someone announces that "I'm a helicopter parent."

I suspect that you were supposed to turn it in to a chance to compliment her. "On, no, I think you are just very positively involved. Just because they go off to college doesn't mean they quit being your children."

When really we should say something more like, "you might be able to get counseling for that."

I am not fond of this trend of pushing the mandatory cut-off earlier and earlier in the school year. Every state has different cut-off ages. Some areas even have cut-off ages determined by town/city school systems.

My area's cut was January 1st so there were lots of 4y9m's in my class. You also could have your child tested if the child missed the birthdate. I would say at least the top 10 kids of my hs class should have technically graduated a year later. They weren't socially inept nor were they immature.

It never dawned on me until I had our first child in the month of September and heard that the cut where we were living at the time was 1 October, other states were even earlier and that this kiddo might miss the cut-off. Quite frankly, 3 years of AMI Montessori was plenty and did not need a 4th year of preschool. Luckily our next assignment was to CA were the cut was 1 December. I made sure the second child was born in the spring so we wouldn't go through this rigamarole again.

The late license wasn't an issue for our late-birthday child. The only thing it affected was that she couldn't have paid employment as a rising junior since she wasn't 16 that summer.

If you want a young child to go to kindergarten and 1st grade when they have missed the cut-off, find a good private school. Many public systems have their hands tied in terms of age waivers but privates can be a little more flexible. My youngest niece has a November b'day. I don't know what strings my sister will pull, but I would be very surprised if that child isn't starting kindergarten at 4y, 10m.

Umm, to my knowledge ALL cut-offs are determined by the school system, not the state. Everyone I was talking about in my example went to school in Pennsylvania and all their cut-offs were different.

My mom was double promoted (I realize this is back in horse and buggy days) from I think 4th to 6th grade because her grades were so good. They weren't by the time she was in high school. Lots of kids that are super smart or mature when they're younger tend to, umm, level out when they get older. Not to mention, if you're talking about a boy, they reach their physical maturity later than girls as a rule and starting them to school early can really come back and bite them during adolescence (when they're 5 feet tall and their friends are all 6 feet).

Honestly, what's the hurry??