Race issues/questions in children
 

i usually dont post personal threads, but since i have seen some highly intelligent answers on here, i thought i'd give it a shot.

i have a 6 1/2 year old daughter. her biological father is of mixed race, half black, half puerto rican. i, myself, am all black, but had both a white and indian great-grandmother. my daughter has that look that a lot of mixed race children have: the curly jet black hair, light skin. she is a beautiful child, not just because i am her mother, she has won various photo contests in our area (working on that college fund!) and has the greatest attitude.

last night, while watching something on TV, she looks up at me and asks, "why are white people prettier than black people?" i was truly stunned by her question and asked her why did she think that? she replied that they had better hair and skin. i pulled one of my Cosmo's off of the bedside table and started scrolling thru, asking her which girls were pretty, and which ones werent. the prettiest, she decided, was a blond haired, blue eyed girl. she didnt even give the girls who looked like her a second glance.

i was raised in the most un-racist household ever created. i have friends of all colors, and try to insure she has the same. still, i cant help but wonder, how do i handle this situation with her? i told her we would talk about it this weekend...i didnt want to put her off, but also want to go about it the correct way. any suggestions? do any of you have children with these issues? (i dont think it is a mixed-race thing, she has no clue of her latino/indian/white roots at all...)

Why does anyone find what they do attractive? I actually think that people are attracted to what they don't have.

I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and don't find blond guys attractive. My husband is not only Latino, but he's about the darkest Latino I've ever seen, except Sammy Sosa...

you are probably right too, AlphaFrog. my fiance looks nothing like me, either. but in this case, she didnt pick any of the black or latina women. they were all white.

i think my concern is the fact that i had issues with my complexion growing up. i have a sister who is lighter than me with hazel eyes, one of those genetic things that just kinda resurfaced from somewhere, and i was always so jealous. i was always singled out because i was always the darkest one in my classes, and i felt left out. i wanted not necessarily to be white, but to be lighter. i wanted to blend more.

i just want to make sure that this doesnt spiral into a "lighter/whiter is better" type of issue with her...

i think this is a normal question most af-am (and biracial) children ask; and unfortunately it is an issue many adult women struggle with if they dont have a strong foundation.

i'm not sure she really meant that she thinks white people are prettier than black people. she might have a grasp that some members of society "value" blond-haired blue eyed people more than black/latina/etc. and thats hard to explain to a child.

as a parent, i would just encourage her and let her know SHE is beautiful and make sure that you surround her with positive images of black/latina women. dont turn it into a comparison thing (curly hair is better), just try to celebrate the difference (your curly hair is so nice, you can do this with it...)

I don't think you need to make a directed response, although saying something like, "I think beautiful women come in all colors" might be a good idea. It's more important to look at the everyday exposure she has to people's ideas of beauty whether it's comments by friends and family or TV or magazines. Try to make sure she's hearing the right things and she may just internalize them.

depending on her surroundings and influences, she might need a daily dose of "black is beautiful" from her mom. if you don't get it in the home, where else is it going to come from?

Wow! That would throw any parent for a loop. I think with kids that age, you don't need to go too in-depth or worry that their psyche is irreversably damaged for asking what seems to be a hot question like that. Like Still BLUTANG said, kids sometimes pick up on pop culture and what they see, like a white model on a magazine cover instead of someone who is Asian, Black, mixed, etc.

I know kids of this age might either be contented with a simple answer or might keep pressing, "Why?" "How?" but the simpler your reply, the easier it is to satisfy them. At least in my experience. IE: Mommy, where do babies come from? Answer: From God.

In your case, I think you dealt with it the best you could by asking her why she felt that way. I think the next thing you can do is to get some photos together of different kinds of people and people doing things and say, "I want to show you some beautiful people."

Show her the pictures-- magazine clippings, story books, whatever and talk about what makes people beautiful: helping others, being polite, working hard, being kind, etc. and look at photos of men and women and ask her what she thinks is beautiful about each of them and then share with her what you think is beautiful about them. You'll end up subtly influencing her with your opinions and she'll end up adopting them as her own.

I'd do this a couple of times over the next few weeks-- pull her away from the TV or coloring for just a few minutes at a time, and say, "Let's look at some beautiful things."

i wont say so much that she gets a daily dose of "black is beautiful" but i definately try to surround her with as many of those influences as i can. i want her to think that all cultures are beautiful, and that there isnt a superior one.

i read somewhere to focus more on culture and not race. there are blond haired, green eyed black women, so maybe she just needs to see that its not a "white thing" per se. its just a beauty thing.

I did a google search-- these are some age-appropriate books on color and diversity for your daughter that you can read together. You can address the issues and bond over story time. Black, White, Just Right! is about being from a mixed-race background. :)

Cisneros, S. (1994). Hairs = Pelitos. New York: Knopf.
Davol, M. W. (1993). Black, White, Just Right!. Morton Grove, IL: A. Whitman.
DeRolf, S. (1997). The Crayon Box That Talked. New York: Random House.
Harvey, K. (2002). When Chocolate Milk Moved In. Sterling, VA: Brookfield Reader.
Hoffman, M. (1991). Amazing Grace. New York: Dial Books for Young Readers.
Kates, B. J. (1992). We're Different, We're the Same: Featuring Jim Henson's Sesame Street Muppets. New York: Random House.
Katz, K. (1999). The Colors of Us. New York: Holt Rinehart & Winston.
Kissinger, K. (1994). All the Colors We Are: The Story of How We Get Our Skin Color. St. Paul, MN: Redleaf Press.
Parr, T. (2001). It's Okay to Be Different. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.
Seuss, Dr. (1961). The Sneetches, and Other Stories. New York: Random House.
Simon, N. (1976). Why Am I Different?. Chicago: A. Whitman.
Spier, P. (1980). People. Garden City, NY: Doubleday.
Tarplay, N. A. (1997). I Love My Hair!. Boston, MA: Little, Brown.
Wood, D., & Muth, J. J. (2003). Old Turtle and the Broken Truth. New York: Scholastic Press.

For some reason, this conversation is reminding me of the Sweet Honey in the Rock song, No Mirrors in My Nana's House.

I have no wisdom, I'm afraid. Good luck, OneTimeSBX. I imagine your instincts will lead you well.

Yes that's basically what I'm saying, you were much more eloquent in the post above me. As a mom/aunt/family member etc. you have the opportunity to counteract the influences you see as negative, and encourage the positive ones.

I was including the OP's influence on the child in my statement.

adpiucf, thank you for that list...im about to hit amazon.com and see what i can find...

OH! O.k. i think i read too quickly or misinterpreted what you said. :)

i really like this thread. i applaud you SBX! Keep doing what you're doing, your little one will be just fine.

Honestly, this won't change because you read her a book or make a pointed effort to find the right movie. You have to really review your own behavior and the messages you send and the things you say (which it sounds like you've already done). What movies do you watch? What models do you admire and remark on? Her father? Her grandparents (grandparents do sooooo much damage without meaning to)?

Buying her a book may help, but the only way to change the attitude is consistent positive reinforcement that she is beautiful and black is beautiful.

Yeah, it's alright, I don't think I was as clear as I wanted, and then I read your post and was like "Oh THAT, exactly THAT"

One situation isn't going to make or break this girl's worldview (and who knows what it actually is, as someone else said it's quite possible what she said was not what she meant) it's the long term influence that's important.

thank you Blutang...i appreciate the support! you only get one chance to make it right or wrong...i definately want her to grow up knowing her heritage (although still not too sure how to introduce the latina side, that part of her family even I havent met, and there is no contact with her father at all.)

my second daughter will be here in November, and i want HAPPY children that grow into HAPPIER adults! not the bitter, hate filled ones that grace us with their presence everyday in life:rolleyes:

You're her mom--she is going to follow your lead. If you tell her and show her and reienforce that everyone is beautiful, then she will grow into that belief...

I would guess that something happened at school or in another setting with children, and one them said someone was prettier than the other.... maybe ask her if something happened that makes her ask that question?

Good luck! It sounds like your heart is in a good place and that you want to do right by her. She is lucky!

I am by no means a child psychologist, so take this for what it's worth, but I really think that an environment has a huge impact on a child. And I don't mean that you're doing something wrong. When I was little, we lived in a predominately black area and and my dad coached at a predominately black high school. Except for relatives, the women I knew were black. I thought that's what was beautiful.

Hang in there, mom!
 

Do you remember the studies that showed that black children chose white dolls over black dolls from your intro. psyc course? I think it has to do with the constant assault of the media. The same thing drives so many teen girls (and now, boys!) to eating disorders in a drive to fit what society (really, the media) decides is beautiful. I myself remember feeling simply horrible as a teen because I was small chested, short, and pear-shaped. Why didn't I look like the girls in the magazines?? Well, cause only about 3 percent of the population looks like that.
I think almost every parent has to deal with some form of their children not feeling they fit the standard. It's hard, but the fact that you are aware of the problem means you are well on your way to helping your daughter feel good about herself.
I have two daughters, both of whom are, in my totally unbiased opinion, beautiful. However, daughter #1 is short, brunette, and just had surgery on her lower jaw to correct a "bull dog bite". She has always felt overshadowed in the looks department by daughter #2 who is average height, blonde, blue-eyed, and the more conventionally beautiful. I had to tell my family when she was a child to NOT go on and on about her looks. Now that they are teens, daughter #1 is a TERRIFIC human being - caring, giving, intelligent, and wise beyond her years. Daughter #2, whom I love, is, I must say, more interested in being social. I really think she has been handicapped by her good looks - she can and does coast on them. Her grades aren't as good as #1, but she doesn't care. To tell the truth, she is not as loving and gracious as her sister. I'm not saying this is all because of her looks - but I have noticed that those who can coast on their appearance often do.
My point? Your daughter is so blessed to have a loving mother who is so concerned about her self-image. Let her know that appearance is one of the LEAST important things in terms of making you the person you are. It's largely a result of a spin of the genetic wheel. It's the things we all share in common - our intelligence, our compassion, our hopes and dreams, our love - that will make us truly beautiful. So she doesn't look like Barbie. GOOD. She has her own beauty that she doesn't need to share with anyone else. Bolster the things she can control - all of the aforementioned - and keep supporting her, and she will learn to celebrate the various cultures she is a part of. Good luck!

While I have absolutely no child-rearing experience, outside of frequent babysitting, I'm also interracial. I'm in the grey area as far as appearence goes, I have olive skin, exotic features, black hair, hazel eyes etc. but that made it harder for me to identify with any particular group. I remember thinking the same things your daughter thought. However, I was blessed to have caring parents, like you, who taught that every race is beautiful- including those with multiple ethnic backgrounds.

My mom always said "it's not the color of their skin, hair, or eyes that makes them beautiful, it's their heart that makes them beautiful." Her phrase still rings in my head today and I really think she's responsible for making me so "color blind" while I dating or making friends.

But one of the things that helped me the most was when she would take me shopping. This really helped my personal outlook, because she would work so hard to point out the interracial features that made me unique and pretty. My mom is about as white as it gets and she would joke with me like "oh, I wish I could wear colors like that and look as good as you do, but I'm just too pale to pull it off! Look how lucky you are to have such a pretty complexion that you can wear that color" or something like "That pretty wavy hair of yours looks so pretty with that dress! You don't even need accessories, your dad and I gave you the best one!" When I started wearing make-up, she would tell me how I could blissfully pull off any color eyeshadow and my eyes would stand out; she would say how I didn't even need blush to make my cheekbones stand out because they are already so high and perfect. Granted a lot of what she said was superficial and could have possibly given me a rather large ego, it was just so nice hearing her be so positive with me while I was growing up. I think that her kind and sincere words really made me appreciate the way God decided to put my parents genes together to make me. I realized that I don't have to be Barbie to be gorgeous! Also, I really think the fact that my mom took time to point out specifics is what made the difference. She used that personalization in conjunction with her "phrases" to make everything she was teaching me identifiable. So even while I can still repeat her "phrases" word for word today, it was the personalization that followed, that made them so helpful and so memorable.


I hope my long rambling post has offered some insight and given you some ideas. I just identified with your little girl and had to post something!

This is what I would have said. When I was growing up, I always thought that to be beautiful in this world, you had to be blond & blue eyed. With my dark curly hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, I thought I was just ugly because I never saw anyone on TV (outside of Spanish television) that looked like me so I figured that to be considered beautiful, you had to be white.

Just make sure that you talk to her about how beauty comes in all colors and definitely try some of those books that someone suggested. They are great reads and I've used similar ones in my classroom with my students since I work in a very diverse area.

Good-luck!

I generally am angered by blaming "the media" for everything, but in cases like this, I can't disagree.

The majority of people we see in TV, in magazines and newspapers are still good looking white people. That's changing, but not quickly enough for many.

Does that make the media big bad people. Not really. They (we, actually since I work in TV -- in the live sports area) are for profit businesses and usually provide what the largest part of the audience "wants." What happens is pretty much what extensive market research dictates.

Is that good? Maybe not, but it's the way it is.

Will it change? Yes. When the audience signals that it isn't happy with the status quo anymore. The media, though, will always be reactive instead of proactive.

Maybe the most important thing to impart to your daughter(s) is that the entertainment media isn't real. "Reality TV" is a contradiction of terms. All she (they) really have to do is take a close look at their friends and their families to see that -- but I don't know that they will if someone doesn't point it out. Personally, I don't watch much TV, because when I'm off work, I don't want to be bothered with it, so I can't give an example, but it might be a good thing to point out to the young woman (women) the beautiful people of color who are more and more a part of entertainment shows.

Maybe that will help.

At least that's what I think.

Best of luck.

It seems that racism comes from adults while younger childeren play together with out any thought of color.

If there is a question, many times they figure it out for themselves and go about playing together.

The age of growing up in segregated areas is getting smaller.

I kid some of my Black friends about having to go work to get a tan instead of having a natural one!:) I also dated an asian who did not like he coloring but I thought it was beautiful myself!

There are colors within so called colors!;)

Thanks for this thread! It--again--exposes something deeply ingrained in our society:that white supremecy is the "biosphere" in which we live. It's not so much the presence of overt forms of racial prejudice and racial epithets at play; but it's the sociocultural environment embodied in relationships,language, images, gestures, institutions,economics,social cues, etc.

Children are quite sophisticated in picking up on all this up. It effects all of us in various ways, whites and people of color alike. We, people of color, have accepted this value system, too.All Afro-cultures--African American,Afro-Carribean, Latino, Francophone,Portugese, etc. in different ways evidence this value system. It's especially telling in the American context where there is a black/white social binary.To raise a child as if were in a "colorblind" world is simply to reinscribe whiteness as the basic social value. For the psychological well-being of children of color (black,biracial,etc.) they have to be grounded in a positive,affirming worldview about "blackness," which historically and presently has associations with inferiority and subservience. It has to be intentional.

How is raising a child to be "color blind..reinscrib[ing] whiteness as the basic social value?"
Teaching children the values associated with color-blindness is a very commendable thing. It's the same thing as teaching children to not value someone based on their appearence! There is absolutely no way that is furthering a bias for whites. Hell, I am half German and half Pakistani! My parents taught me those values and as I have already said in this thread, I'm friends will all sorts of people. I don't care if your black, asian, european, spanish etc- if you're cool, we're friends! I had the same mentality when I was actively dating, and dated all sorts of guys. One of my best memories was dating this incredible guy from West Africa, he was a total romantic.

How have I furthered the white dominance by adhearing to colorblindness? Quite obviously, I haven't.

Also, if you pressure a child to value your particular race over another, you are creating prejudice and furthering racist views. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your ancestory, but I think it would be a terrible thing to groom children to believe they carry a supremacy because of their skin color. Thats the exact mentality that gave roots to the deep racism that runs rampant in the world.

One Time SBX

In one year I'm confident that you'll be bringing this post up to the top to let us know how well your daughter is progessing!

Good luck!

Obviously, you didn't understand what I was saying. If you read closely I said this is not an issue of racial prejudice or a particular praxis associated with with this mindset. It's about the general tenor and environment of the society which is grounded in a particular value system which is the problem that has to be faced head on. Let me use another analogy to help you understand. Many Gays and Lesbians use the term "heterosexist" to describe the society, to help heterosexuals understand why they actively push their agenda in many ways. It's not simply about anti-gay acts of violence, prejudice or homophobia; it's about how society is geared to heterosexuals--institutionally,attitudinally/ideologically,economically, legally, etc.The system is stacked. This transcends how people interact interpersonally. It's like the broth which flavors all the meats and vegetables in a soup. Thus,in a crude way,to assert "colorblindness" as a social philosophy in a white supremicist context is to devalue "blackness" and other non-European construals of personhood. This has to do with history and the social values and arrangements which arose from them,not some pedantic interest.

In fact, the way you talk about it is a typically "white."(I say this non-pejoratively.) It has nothing to do with one's race/ethnicity. It's a worldview/value system. Because of my religious/theological commitments, social philosophy, and my experiences, I agree with what you're saying about how we should interact. That's how I actually live my life. I'm also a person of color in this society and understand the psychological complexity of navigating one's way in a healthy manner in a society based on white supremecist values. And it's not just an African American/ biracial issue. I've talked with Asian Americans who deal with similar issues, and I've also heard the term "white washed" used by South Asians. I could literally write a tome about this but I'll stop now. Thank you.

when my children were young and would ask me questions that really threw me for a loop, such as "why is the sky blue, why is the grass green,etc." i would ask them what they thought- and they always had an answer, often much better than i could have come up with. it got me off the hook tons of times!

if the opportunity arises again and your daughter makes a similar comment, "mommy, why are white people prettier than black people" try saying,"why do you think?" and see what she has to say. that at least would give you more to go on. it is amazing what young children are thinking.

We've adopted 5 nonwhite daughters and let me say, there's some good advice on this thread! We've read the books, had the talks, and generally tried to promote the beauty of their cultures and others. However--it's very likely that this issue will resurface in the teens. There doesn't seem to be a teenager alive who likes his or her face or hair...

I would agree to some point, however if this issue is not resolved in the parent, then, it will be confusing for the child. Some child's response could be so very painful as an African American woman that it is much easier to ignore it.

The other issue is rooting it out of our psyche. At this juncture, I do not have any more faith on our society to improve the psychological health of our children and youth.

What can we do collectively? Nothing. Basically, things cannot stay in disequilibrium. Somehow, someway, someday a balance will evolve and probably not in our lifetime or our children's.

After all the craziness and stress I have endured lately, I have lost my faith in people.

I'm not sure it's always a result of media/societal attitudes. My daughter had her first exposure to an African American child on her first day of kindergarten. She came home and told me about this beautiful girl who had chocolate skin and how she wished her skin was like that. That year, all the Barbies and dolls she wanted were African American. I didn't think much of it. I just saw it as expanding her horizons and admiring someone who was different than herself.

I can say, as a short, curvy Italian brunette with brown eyes, that, through the "difficult" years (middle school/high school), I really just wanted to be a tall, leggy, blonde with blue eyes. THAT was media induced for sure. When Paula Abdul first became popular, it was such a relief because she was very attractive but short and curvy AND a brunette!

I guess my point is... watch her reactions and keep an open line of communication about it to figure out why she is feeling that way and then address the underlying cause. You could also use the opportunity to explain that the pictures in magazines are often touched up to make the women look even prettier and point out that all people have something beautiful about them, inside and/or out.

I think that Rihanna chick is smoking hot. Some may even say she's the case for promoting miscegenation. But her problem is she has difficulty speaking. I mean who pronounces umbrella with 4 syllables?

-Rudey

Would filling the house with magazines and DVDs that are primarily put out for a (especially immigrant) black audience be helpful? My mom and grandma subscribe to several Hong Kong magazines similar to OK! or Us Weekly to keep up with the goings on of the HK celebrities and that was where I got some of my exposure to what "beauty" is. I don't generally compare myself to anyone, but if I did, I'd probably compare myself to an actress or singer from Hong Kong. I'd never compare myself to an Asian American/Canadian actress, since most of them are plain to butt ugly by Asian standards (my mom (who is addicted to Korean soaps) thought Marie Claire was CRAZY to have Sandra Oh on its cover earlier this year..."they'd never do it in Korea" she said). At the same time, the Hong Kong/Asian standard of western beauty is different too. Maybe it's generational, but my parents don't see why the world loves Reese Witherspoon so much.

I went through a similar situation with my daughter. I think it does have to do with media/what they're exposed to. Hang in there though - there are a lot of good posts in this thread.

This is so sweet! My mom used to do the same thing to me.

I agree with you. I think what you're around/exposed to is what you will think is beautiful, or at least that will help your mindset.

LOL @ you

I scrolled through some of the responses and haven't seen this one yet, but if it has already been said, I apologize.

This is not a new problem and your daughter is not the first mixed or african american child to feel this way.

During the whole de-segregation fight the people fighting the BOE found a professor and used his research to back up the premise that segregation damaged the psyche of young african american girls and boys.

The professor had african american boys and girls come into a playroom that was equipped with a camera. The play room was set up with various toys and dolls; imparticular a caucasian doll and an african american doll. The professor asked each child which doll they would rather play with and almost every child wanted to play with the caucasian doll. When the professor asked the children why they wanted to play with that doll they responded that she was prettier. He even (if I remember correctly) offered the african american doll to some children and they refused.

We learned about it in my HDF class. I can't remember what the guy's name was, though.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about?? I bet you could find a video of the sessions online.

Kozal was his name who first started it. He's written several books now.

Rudey, prouncing "umbrella" in 4 syllables does not stop you from thinking other things... :rolleyes:

Well, you do have to admit, you and your daughter are probably different in your thinking to begin with... That is just a great mark of an excellent parent! :)

If I had a daughter who starting to wonder what the outside world is (inevitably :)), I would try telling her a personal story that only she could understand to help her ease her way through it... So that when the other little hellions decide to tease her for her looks, she maintains her self-esteem through all those awkward years.

Disclaimer: Just trying to help... Some folks think I am trying to attack their innercore being. You can take it or leave it as to what I say. It doesn't matter to me. However if you disagree, it still sucks to be degraded by flaming as a human being, just argue the points you disagree on, that's cool. Tell me why I am wrong, maybe I can learn something, too... People internalize too much personal stuff on a message board!

update...
 

ive gotten several PMs from people wondering how i ended up handling the situation with my daughter.

ive decided to start and take a cultural standpoint and introduce her to the various races that make up her background. im starting this weekend taking her to an Indian convention near our home. my great (her great great) grandmother was half Creek indian, and her husband was full blooded. i want to show her that one race isnt prettier than the other, they are all beautiful in their own way. she seems to find beauty in groups of people who look similar. i do find that comforting that she can still pick other favorites!

in a way, it has helped me to realize i need to get in touch with my background as well. we will see how she likes this culture lesson and i'll be in touch!