Playas till the day we die...
 

Yesterday at the Bar-B-Kue I was looking around and just watching. I noticed something that made me scratch my head. A lot of my older bruhs (35+) were still unmarried. As a matter of fact I could only count on one hand the older Nupes I know who are married. A lot of my bruhs have children (as evident by the droves of lil ones running a muck in dat park). A lot of my bruhs have women, but not wives (can't remember the last time I met a Silhouette). This felt like a glimpse into my future, as i am now back on da market with no aspirations of remarriage.

Ladies and Gents. What happened? I know this problem reaches far out of my fraternity. Black men period! I don't know many of my peers period who are in positive long term committed relationships or married. How will our people ever mend our family structure when we no longer value one of it's most essential ties.

good question...i wish i had an answer, but clearly i dont. i think these days we as a people just dont see the point of getting married...of establishing those long-term healthy relationships. shoot, some of us grow up without knowing what one of those really looks like, which can make it hard to enter into one on your own as you grow up.

i think what we need to do is take a good hard look at what society places value on and compare that to our own personal belief/value/moral system and re-evaluate who/what is REALLY driving our lives.

Marquise, you picked a catching title for this thread. I looked at the title and was thinking *as if the outlook isn't already bleek*

I can honestly say that only one of my friends has a boyfriend and thier realationship is too new to bank on. All of my friends are single (including myself), or single in a 'limbo' type of situation where the guy acts as if he dosen't know what he wants. I think I would feel better about this if some of my peers were in a long-term committed relationship, then I would have hope. Now, don't get me wrong there are individuals who are in great relationships, but I was speaking for my peers as mentioned.

Damn. As a man I almost feel wierd voicing my opposition to the current plight of the black family structure. Our society applauds men who say "I'm into having sex I ain't into making love". But there has got to be more. I was looking at the AKA thread on adoption and thought how many of those adoption dreams would never be realized as they are "waiting on a hubby". By the time this happens for some, those children would have had children of their own. My brothers... we need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!

i dont think it is the men's fault 100%. we, as women, need to learn how to gently put our foot down when it comes to relationships. we cant threaten you all into marrying us. we cant get knocked up and trap you. what we can do (but usually dont) is follow thru on our threats. i had to do that, didnt want to, but it got to that point with my now fiance. i had to explain to him that after 4 years, if there was not a good reason to stay shacked up, that i was leaving. i packed my stuff and left. i didnt want a ring, i didnt want a proposal, i wanted a PLAN. thats what i got!

maybe im wrong, but thats what most women want: an intention to do right by us!

WOW!!!! If my phone tapped or what?!?!

my mom always tells us: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...

i thought that was soo corny but it makes a world of sense now! there are some men who have hooked up pumps to their cows and are milking them dry!!

eta: women also need to carry themselves higher than they do. i know there is a shortage of men but you have to act as though you are the sh**, you are beautiful, and life is too short to waste time on someone who doesnt know what they want!

Being single is not a crime. As women we need to let the man know exactly what we want (if you know what you want). When I met my husband I told him from the door " I have enough friends. We can see if this is going to go somewhere or if that is not what you are looking for then bye-bye." We were married 3 years later.

I also believe that if the man is not ready to be in a committed relationship trying to force the issue with ultimatums is not the way to get him to be ready. You have to be willing to let the other person know exactly what you want. If you just want to date then say so. Fellas when she tries to be slick and slide in the "M" word, if you are not ready for that or if she is not the one you want to be with then let her know. Don't string her along. The same goes for you ladies. If you get a man and you know he is leaning towards the "M" word and you are not let him know.

One last thing there is NOTHING wrong with being single in your mid 30's. My sister is 42 single, a business owner, is doing her thing and is HAPPY. She is not going to get married because EVERYONE else thinks she should be. She will do it when she wants to if ever.

this is a lie that we've got to stop believing. there is NO shortage of "good black men" or whatever color you want them to be. i know a lot of good ones, the problem exists because these good guys just aren't marriage-minded.

back in the day men knew women were a "prize" to be won, if that's not too much of a misogynist statement. Men knew they had to work to get a good woman. however, roles have switched. Now, the brothers who have it together KNOW they are in demand, and thus, they can "play" longer and think about marriage later than ever.

oh i know there isnt a shortage of good men, we just outnumber them quite a bit :), and between the jailbirds, lunatics, and down low guys, we have to be careful. you are exactly right, men know that women assume there "arent any good guys left" (which is a lie, i have 2 single, successful, professional uncles who have never married and are in their 40's...) and they run with it.

men who settle down (granted she isnt a crazed drama queen) are healthier, happier people. im not saying MARRIAGE because that is a dirty word for some guys, but they have the advantage. its the few losers who play the field like they are getting paid for it, that ruin it for the good guys and they have to deal with us women with our guards up.

Simply put Nupe, is the fact that the incentive for men to get married has been greatly reduced, for a multitude of reasons. In 2007, a man has a lot to lose by marrying or even committing to the wrong woman. He must choose wisely. btw, yes there are an abundance of good women out there, but you have to take your time in selecting one.

Hope this helps.

I got this from a friend who got it from a friend who got it from facebook.
 

Your thoughts....



Monday, March 5, 2007
Dating for Black Women

The quickest way to start a heated debate amongst Black people is to talk about the state of Black relationships. All of the feelings of insecurity, betrayal, hate, and despair rise to the surface, and most would rather not discuss it for fear of being blamed for the issues that we face. Both are angry and have some very strong opinions about the others' behavior. While I do understand that there are issues on both sides of the sexes, I can only sympathize with the fairer one, being female myself. I acknowledge that both men and women have had some difficult and painful relationship experiences and do recognize that both are to blame for our sad state of affairs. With that being said, I would love to hear opinions from others concerning this topic, and welcome all responses.

From what I hear, we all have some issues with our gender counterparts. Black women are disgusted with they way Black men have developed a strong attraction to non-Black women. They are disgusted with being thought of as bitches, moody, or too strong when they achieve a certain level of success. They are disgusted with the lack of decent, eligible brothers. A single, educated, independent woman feels that it is nearly impossible to find the same in a Black man. They feel that since Black men know they are a commodity, they use that to cheat, lie, and mistreat their women because they know she'll never leave them. Black women feel that they are thought of as sexually repressed because they do not engage in sexually deviant behaviors that many of the non-Black women do. Black women feel that Black men date and marry white women because they are status symbols and make Black men feel more successful. They feel neglected, rejected, and abandon by Black men, and consistently feel attacked when they express these emotions.

Throughout the history of this country, Black women have always been the lowest on the totem pole. We are taught to hate ourselves from a very young age. Our body types are not symbols of beauty, from the curves of our hips to the texture of our hair, we are underrepresented in the media, in the workplace, and even on college campuses. We arrive to college realizing that most of the eligible brothers are dating and sleeping with white women because they have been taught to hate us too. Once we graduate from college with our high priced degrees, that we had to work ridiculously hard to achieve, we are thrown into the workforce. This is where we are further humiliated.

We have to be stronger, smarter, and more cunning to even be recognized as good. As we begin to achieve our success, we have to ignore the rude side comments, look past the office functions and parties that were definitely not meant for us, and contend with all the questions about our hair, way of life, and my favorite, "why don't you hang out with us on the weekends." Any sign of resistance, annoyance, or challenge that we show is cause for us to hear the angry black woman comments, not just from non-Blacks, but from Black males as well. We are the most misunderstood, misrepresented, and mistreated group in the United States. Now after we have spent 8 or more hours with the fake smiles of insincerity, we come home to either an empty home or a house full of kids we're raising by ourselves. And the sad part is, a lot of married women are raising kids by themselves.

So now you may ask, well just how bad is it for a single, educated, financially independent woman. Oh my friends, it's really bad. If pick at random 100 black men over the age of 18, 4 are in prison, 15 have HIV, 29 are gay, 93 have not completed a four-year degree, 43 are married, 65 have been married more than once, 75 of them have children, and 90 of them have an income of $19,000 or below.

I will not comment at length about the statistics because I think they speak for themselves. Go to United States Department of Labor's website to see more statistics that are equally as troubling.

Now I already know some of the comments or opinions I'm going to get. "Black men have it rough too," "Black women don't do a good job making us feel like men." "Black women do us dirty too." "Black women don't want a good man". Yes the responses are endless. I'm not negating the fact that maybe some of these are true. I think it's important to recognize that both groups have experienced some very painful stuff. I realize that nobody is perfect. However what I find to be typical is that Black women are aware of the struggles that our men are faced with, and are very willing to put up with a whole lot of mess just to be with a Black man. On the flip side, they are not given the same consideration. Black men are three times more likely to marry outside of their race than Black women. What this tells me is that despite the lack of options and despite being abused and misused, Black women are loyal, and would rather be single than marry outside of their race. However, because we are not the standard of beauty, white men don't want to marry Black women either.

So let's look at how this plays out. From an early age we realize that we are not wanted by the media. Look at baby doll commercials, white Barbie choices compared to black barbie choices. We rarely see positive, normal Black women on very popular T.V. shows, i.e. Desperate Housewives, Friends, Seinfeld, etc. The first time a Black actress wins an Academy Award, she plays a woman called "Mammy" in a movie that displays us as property. Then the first time a Black actress wins for best actress, its for a role in which she has disgusting sex with an even more disgusting white man.

In college we quickly realize that our skin is too dark and morals too high to attract the athletes, and then after subtracting the athletes, you're not left with much except the 4 Black men in the fraternity who date all of the 40 Black women in the sororities. Subtract those four, and you're left with the 2 "roommates" who look at each other more than any woman, white or black. That leaves you with about 5 brothers. Three of which have been there since the voting age was moved to 18, and they still have two years until graduation. Of the other two, one doesn't bathe, wear deodorant, or cut his toenails because he's "earthy" and refuses to buy into the white man's idea of beauty. (and he wears Birkenstocks) Oh but the one left is gorgeous, speaks well, a pre-law major, and president of every Black student organization. He is charming, dresses well, and everyone speaks highly of him. The problem: All the other 235 Black women on campus want him, and worse than that, he has a girlfriend back home who he is solely dedicated to and will marry upon graduation. However you don't worry, once you graduate, there will be a plethora of decent, eligible Black men...NOT!!!

So you relocate for that fabulous job you landed after hours of studying and numerous internships. Or maybe you go on to graduate school. Either way you are in for a rude awakening. If you thought Black men were scarce in undergrad, just wait until to get to corporate America or graduate school. Your chance of meeting them there are slim to nil.

So what do we do? To be honest I don't have an answer. I am, however, disheartened at the fact that after everything we have gone through being citizens in a country that despises us, we can't seem to work together for our mutual success. I am not against interracial dating or marriage. I believe that you should marry anyone you want to. However my concerns are the reasons for eliminating people of your own race based on these extremely biased attitudes and beliefs. I am concerned with this attitude of self hatred or the way we define one another. I am concerned with a generation of Black men who, regardless of who they choose to be with, insult, degrade, demean, and debase Black women even though a Black woman gave them life. I am concerned for my Black sisters who continue to struggle with self-hatred, self-loathing, manic depression, single parenting, and low self-esteem, because they don't receive any affirmation, congratulations, support, or recognition from any part of their lives. I am concerned for my sisters who always have to look out for everyone, but no one is looking out for them. I am concerned for my sisters and brothers who can't come together and encourage, uplift, and support one another. I'm concerned for the next generation of Black children who will be born into a world that already thinks of them as inferior, but won't have the support they need to overcome the negative labels and stereotypes that come from just having dark skin.

My hope is that my sons and daughters live in a better world than I do, but in order to do that, I have to make it better, and for me to make it better, I have to be better. So my friends concentrate on being better, so we can make it better.

you know, i wonder if the statistics for other races are close to ours...

lets face it, i hate to resource to that old standby "men are all the same", but bad men are all the same, and the good ones are too! i know both white and latina girlfriends of mine who are going thru the SAME THING...deadbeat fathers, mile-long rap sheets, men unwilling to be faithful...bad men are bad men.

LIVED IT!!!!! (we are (((((((((((here)))))))))))))))) 1908Revelations)

Marquise1911, there are good successful men out there who want a family and everything that comes with it....I'm dating one and he happens to be your frat....I kissed a couple of frogs but I may have finally found my prince...

to address your question, I do believe we as women don't demand the men in our lives to step up to the plate in relationships....we often buy into that "piece of man" is better then no man syndrome.....we have to demand and expect better...I had to realize I couldn't and shouldn't want to raise a grown a$$ man....never again....but hopefully I'm done with all that now...;)

I wanted to quote a bunch of stuff on this topic, but I thought I will just say my peace.

I am a married man (12 years 12/10/94), with quite a few married friends, most are happy or not mad enough to leave. This thread is a point of conversation for us quite often, from why we got married to do we want to stay married.

Our answers can be summed up as follows:

We all found our wives:), persued our wives:cool:, caught (clubbed over the head, talked that good ish, etc..:eek:) our wives, and married our wives. We also found that none of us had been pressured or made to set a timeline or any other buzzword women use to say are you going to marry me anytime soon or where is this relationship going.

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him. I luckly met the extremely high standards my wife had and has and she accepted me.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work. Thats just my thoughts I could be wrong but my 12 happy years say I may be on the right track.:D

The secret it out...
 

The Rules. Living it Ala Carte style. Rules are made to be broken.

I am married. I never thought I would meet someone that would ask me to marry him and I take his request seriously. We barely knew each other.

But, I knew he was a good guy. He could not have all these "accomplishments" and be a total EFF-up. May be I did settle, but my husband puts a house over my head and food to eat. Sure, I could do it on my own, a house may take me some time, but I have found that I am extremely lonely at the top...

After our 3rd date, I told my boyfriend (now husband) that he needed to tell me where to go and how to get there within 3 months. Our "dates" required airplane flights.

Now, you cannot say that to anyone or your heart will get broken. But, if you want that person in your life and he or she is feeling your vibe, then it should not be difficult for you to state that to them succinctly.

My now husband's reaction: he said was giving him too much pressure. Then, I told him he can decide what he wants and after 3 months, he can make a decision or not. But, if I have to make that decision of what kind of relationship we need to have, we will not be in a relationship anymore, forever. He could have called my bluff, but to him, having me in his life was important. So he proposed--on the phone. We eloped because an argument. But, I must say it has been the most self-introspection and great experience of my life. I cannot imagine life without him, now.

I think we believe in this "fairy tale" dream of "how it is 'suppose' to be" as if we are on soap opera television pay per view. Let me tell you, all of that does not make a MARRIAGE. Marriage is hard for a reason. I learned is absolutely does not matter "HOW" you get married, it is all about "WHO" you marry and YOUR reasons you chose to marry them. If better not be about being rich--because you say "for richer or poorer". It better not be about health, because you say "in sickness and in health". And it better not be just about growing old, because you say "'til death do you part" and you never know when that is...

The best you can hope for is to have a "loving relationship" in your marriage. And remember, you are building a "family" even if it is just the 2 of you.

There are practical things you can do together.

PM me if you have questions.

Are you contradicting yourself? What was your reason for starting this thread? Cause you know it's gonna be a heated one!! :)

I've been married, lived with a man, and have been proposed to at least 3 times in my lifetime. I know what marriage is and what it aint. I remember being really mad when my father said to me once when I was just 18, that old something about the cow and the milk being free. Back then, I was like WTH? Oh what did he know?:rolleyes: I have found through many a broken heart that those old-fashioned values hold true.

I listened to my pastor a few years ago saying something like most women only react to what they think the man wants. Many women DO NOT want to be promiscuous. fSome women have not had the proper upbringing or wisdom instilled in them from their parents. Yet, some of them have but what they hear everyday from their peers/music/movies, etc. makes them behave otherwise. If young women start carrying themselves like a prize and waiting for the man to take his proper place as a man ... well 357 Nupe said it best. :D

here's a ?? though...

is it fair to leave a man high and dry without letting him know why? and in letting him know why, arent you telling that man i am ready/waiting on you?

i know it is grounds to get my feelings hurt if i go in with that "marry me or else" attitude. HOWEVER...i am not going to sit back and shack up and not at least let you know my feelings. i find it to be quite helpful when i hear exactly what he's thinking. and at the same time, i know plenty of women who sit and wait forever and he never says anything about marriage/settling down.

are we as women supposed to sit and wait for you all to tell us what you want? or should men step up and lay it all on the table for us at the beginning of the relationship or once your feelings change one way or the other?

Firstly, should women and men have roles to fulfill in regards to marriage, then to each other, if to each other?

If a woman desires marriage, then she actually chooses the request from the man, unless she is bold and wants to ask her man herself.

Standards are appropriate when you can hold yourself similarly accountable. You can expect a "Prince William" or "Prince Harry" when you are no where near that kind of royalty. Sure, one can dream. However, is that a real situation for majority of African American women?

I cannot ask my husband to be anymore than that which I am willing to put into our marriage relationship. He has to be free to choose and I can hope it is me. That is the basis of trust in the relationship.

Secondly, anyone in the relationship can walk without explanation. Legally, it is hard to do so when one is married in the United States. Other countries I am not sure about. But, people that give these marriage licenses out assume folks are adults who make adult decisions. If one chooses to married someone who will leave without explanation--I hope that would never happen--then, he or she has that option to make their own choices. Part of this is karma, part of this is common sense.

If you leave without explanation, what to stop your partner from doing the same?

The other issue, is you only love one who loves in return. To run up under a man who will never love you as you deserve, then it to allow yourself with plenty of pain. That suggests definition by the "man" in your life, rather than who you defined yourself to be or become. And if those are your reasons to get married these days--well, oh well, whatever, good luck with that!

Marriage is hard work and many of us are scared of hard work! We can get degrees and start companies and serve the community but when it comes to making yourself vulnerable to another, we get scared and run for the hills. I have been married for almost 14 years and I can say that it has not been easy. We have had our ups and downs with more good times than bad. We intend to work at this thing and enjoy it until death do us part.


I also think about what I have seen single sisters (divorced, never been married or widowed but looking again) go through and I would not want to voluntarily be single again....babymama/babydaddy drama, STDs/AIDS, online dating, bars/clubs, singles ministries, etc.!

No if you read carefully I am not contradicting myself. I simply stated that I was single again, with no aspirations of remarriage. That is the outcome of the last 5yrs of experience. I made the wise decision not to mess up anyone else's life, while working out my issues. I rather pour myself into my family and my education while I work things out. Will I get married again? Who nows. But that is not my focus in life and again not a present aspiration. Yet when I asked brothers to get it together, that is because we honestly need to. All of us have been hurt, but a lot of men use that as an excuse to whore and hurt women. Some men never give anyone the chance to hurt them. Women too have been hurt and because of that they make every man they date a "self fulfilling prophecy". The world is now filled with Bag Ladies and Icebox Men.

My reason for starting this thread was to simply state my observations. I have a chapter of 20 brothers and more friends/associates than I can count. HOW IN DA BLUE HELL CAN I NOT FIND A SINLGE ONE IN A POSITIVE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!

Something must me wrong.

Interesting observation. I don't know your past relationships or if you have been married before, but it sounds like you were unsure of who you really were if you were actually married. That does not mean it is any of my beeswax, just an interesting observation.

I don't know any man that has been hurt so badly that they do not give a woman who might hurt him. I know men that have been hurt. I know women who have been hurt. But that chance to have love seems enough to override all past hurts and bitterness.

Anyone not over his or her past pain in love shows it in numerous ways. A true lover would be a healing one to assist getting past those hurts and pains. Normally, it is one who is experienced, mature and wise. Sometimes it comes from someone who has naivete. Either way, only an astute lover truly wishes the best out of his or her partner.


A positive long term relationship is difficult to do when neither party lives in denial about themselves. How can one be positive when they live in negativity. Parentless children, lack of positive relationships or marriages--what should a positive marriage exactly look like? So, these days, when the ONLY people fighting for the right to married are the LGBTQ community, how are we as African Americans going to really venture out requesting stability in relationships leading to marriage when over 70% of our children are reared in homes headed by a single parent?

I am NOT knocking folks reared in single parent homes. One cannot help the circumstances in which he or she were born. However, it is something that is just fine in OUR KIND of families...

It is okay to have unprotected sex and as a woman become impregnated by some man, but many women feel they aren't ready or worth it to be married to anyone...

Not to bash, but how come that is not the other way around?

[quote=OneTimeSBX;1480126]oh i know there isnt a shortage of good men, we just outnumber them quite a bit :), and between the jailbirds, lunatics, and down low guys, we have to be careful. you are exactly right, men know that women assume there "arent any good guys left"
quote]

Come on now. Do you really believe that there is that much of a gap? Everything that you listed concerning black men we have to be concerned about when it comes to women.

I agree with Animate.

Nope the gap isn't that big. I actually think it's close to the same. I think it's a cop out when women say there isn't enough good men or good black men out there. That's bull.

i think womens main problem is we LOOK for a man. dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with being proactive, but some of us have that "have to be in a relationship" attitude, as if we are less if we dont have a man...we all know who that girlfriend is. the one who is constantly looking before she gets herself straight first.

the best advice i ever got was to stop looking. take time to learn myself. enjoy my youth. practice my faith.

lo and behold, the man in my life moved in across the street from me and we've been together ever since.

Umm I don't know how clear I have to be...REMARRIAGE. I think that pretty much explains itself. As far as being "unsure or who" I really am, that is not the case. I just simply didn't know who I was married to even after 5 yrs. Quite frankly no one is ever certain.

I would gladly hand you my cell phone and let you take a random dial. You would find quite a few. There are people who keep their relationships to such a bare minimum that there is no room for someone to hurt them. Hell if it wasn't so common Kelly Clarkson couldn't have a #1 single for 4 weeks based on it. Let's not pretend to be so in the dark about these things.

Frat I feel you. I've never been the type to take my pain out on someone else (now the guilty party is open game). I have been given the short end of the stick too many times. I was so done w/ dating/relationships at first also, but then I realized I still want children and stability and those are two things that I probably will only find in marriage. So I have to keep a eye open. :D

i think the best thing about you is the fact you have kept your options open...a lot of people try marriage, discover the person they are with has done some serious changing, and decided it just wasnt for them 100%. they dont give it a second chance. now, if a person keeps trying ( i have a good friend on wife #4...) and it doesnt work? they are the common factor and need to do some serious soulsearching! the first time you can chalk it up to youth/immaturity/growth, etc.

*Gets on knees and prays in panic*
I never wanna be that man. You know what they say "The common factor of all your failed relationships is you"

lmao, my limit is 2 husbands! and im hoping i only get to #2 after #1 leaves this earth...not that i would have anything to do with that lol!

Well my limit is 2 obviously, ok 3 if #2 leaves me early. Or I could live a quite life as a widower, receiving sympathy sex and free meals to ease my grief.:D

you will eventually get tired of that tuna casserole...:D

But I will never get tired of the the first one.:cool::D:p

You just made me spit Sprite Zero on my work laptop...LMAO!!!
You stupid Cole!!!!! :D:p

Nupe, you'll find a good woman. The funny thing about it, it's always when and where you would least expect to run into her.;)

Oh yeah, one more thing. Your signature is the bomb, I couldn't have said it better myself. :D

Blessings to you too...
 

How does it explain itself? What does remarriage to YOU mean? It means to me that your prior marriage failed for whatever reasons and you are no longer married as defined by the state and the nation. You know the legal ramifications between marriage and divorce. But are we discussing marriage as one form of a "LOVING STABLE RELATIONSHIP" or are we discussing just relationships? Because I need a reference otherwise, I really do NOT understand where you are trying to go with your diatribe. I am interested in trying to relieve some people's pain.


A bunch of hurt people means there is a lack of internal love within themselves. If they failed to love themselves initially, they ALLOWED themselves to be in a hurtful and painful vicarious predicament. Relationships, married or not just don't END for no reason. Something gets exchanged, be it money, good times or bodily fluids. And some things are at least grunted and/or moaned at minimum in the kinds of relationships we are discussing. I think it is a cop out when people take their past hurts and pains and assess and project those onto new lovers. The new lover does not have a chance when the relationship starts. Now we are not talking about the pimps and playas and prostitutes. We are talking about people are seriously and actually DO want to be in a MEANINGFUL relationship.

Anyone who keeps a distance to minimize hurt and pain in a relationship is at best not allowing himself or herself to the actually vunerability of exposition to a fault for the re-actualization of true love.

The irony about TRUE LOVE is you cannot hide your faults and you must show them as badges of courage, experience and honor. You only go into love for the experience and enjoyment of the other person's presence in your life. Be it a friend for now, sometime or a lifetime. And in the end, you have a friend... A friend is someone you dare to be yourself with all your warts, blemishes, bruises and scars.

Now, I am not romanticizing this issue because I have been there, done that is the most horrible of abusive, physically, sexually and verbally relationships. So, I do not have any delusions of the degeneration of all relationships. However, I CHOSE to entertain FOULNESS in my life at that time. And now, all I can say is that I am blessed to be in the marriage that I am in even if it is temporary. Because as an attorney told me, "all marriages will end" either by choice or by death...

What can one do to guard his or her heart from relationship pain and distress?

I don't think one can...