Getting over a serious ex
 

How long did it take you to "get over" your ex with whom you had a serious relationship with? How long did the relationship last (when you were together). I was reading the thread about how ex lovers can or can't remain friends and a lot of people mentioned they went back to being friends after completely cutting the ex out of their life for a period of time.

Well, my X cheated on me, so it didn't take that long for me to get over him. We were together for 2 years off and on. He was such a jerk.

It took me no time to get over my most recent ex. I had been pushing for a split for at least a year (and basically doing my own thing if you know what I mean) before I was finally like, "I am moving out in February. What are you going to do?" By that time, I was so freaking relieved and happy to have him out of my life!

Honestly, if this makes any sense, I'm over my ex but not over her.

We were together for 1.5 years and it ended pretty badly. We didn't talk for a good 8 months but we are cordial now. I still have a bit of guilt and this constant feeling of "I need to make this better".

Nothing thats going to take away from my current lady whom I've been with for 2 years now.

The serious ex for me to get over: ~1 year or so. He was in the military and was shipped off to Japan. He did want to commit to me, so it was easier to break it off with me and I agreed to it. Our relationship was only 8 months and 3 of those months we lived together.

Today, I am moved on and am married for 4 years. This serious ex is about the only "friend" I have kept that I was in a relationship with. He's doing well and handling his business. I am happy for him. I speak to him briefly once in a blue moon.

I have another "frenemie" that was a skewed relationship that I would NEVER recommend to anyone. I will NEVER speak to him and what I perceive that he did to me--or rather what I allowed to happen, let's just say, "Hell hath no fury..."

Thanks everyone for the replies. My most serious relationship ended recently. Of course it hurts like hell. We both agreed to keep in touch evenutally (not too soon of course) and for me to take care of our dog on weekends when he goes away for training. And if he goes overseas. It was a mature breakup... I'm so glad for that. I can breathe much easier now. I know I have a lot of thinking to do about what I want for my future.

It gets easier, provided that it was an amicable breakup. Of course, I still wanted to be friends with my last ex but he chose to hate me and cut me out of his life for whatever reason. Apparently enjoying a new college is a crime?

Anyway-my advice is to cut all contact for awhile. It will hurt pretty badly (like it's not already) but it's the only way to mentally and emotionally separate yourself from the other person and remember that you can't use them as support anymore.
Also, go do anything you love and enjoy yourself. Go out with friends, take up a new hobby or sport you've been wanting to try, just throw yourself into something completely. I'd limit wallowing to about a week tops after the breakup.

It's true, it depends on what kind of breakup you had. My ex and I were together for three years, and when we split it was while we were both abroad and all the cracks that had slowly been appearing that I didn't want to acknowledge blew wide open. The thing is though, once I got over the initial hurt, I realized that a) I missed having him as a friend, and b) we really should have broken up way before we actually did.

It hurt like hell to break up, I don't think I've EVER cried that much in my life, not even when I found out we were moving to India my freshman year of HS. So I blocked him online and on Skype just to give myself some breathing space, and when I felt ready after about a week (I think), I started to write him emails, and a few weeks later (two, maybe three), I unblocked him online so we could start talking again.

The initial post-breakup period was rough, and it was a bit weird seeing him again in person over winter, but I dealt with it and moved on. I love the guy dearly and he's always going to have a place in my heart, but I'm not in love with him anymore. Still, there was residual sting for about a month or two afterwards that caught me offguard.

So, it sounds like he is being told some things by some people... So, he believes he needs to cut the ties because he does not want to be hurt if you change your mind about your "commitment" to him. Really, I don't know how you get a military man to commit to the kind of relationship you desire.

But the reality is, the military owns him and will do as "they" please.

What do for yourself? Porkfriedrice has good ideas. Breathe easier like you want and think about what you want to do and your future.

Immediately, I would decide what kind of contact you want with him. Do not let him be the deciding factor on the kind of interaction you want. I would only keep in contact with him after you have forgiven yourself to showing someone else your vunerabilities. Relationships are baring your naked soul of yourself. That is why you must be careful who you show it to.

PM me if you would like. You can take what I say or leave it. Just trying to help. Take care of yourself. :)

Not to be cliche, but you can only truly be friends with an EX when you know longer want to be friends with them. Its a catch-22.

Thats why you'll hear stories from people like they stopped talking/seeing their EX for like a year or multiple years and accidentally ran into each other and slowly developed a new friendship . . . which usually doesn't invovle being "best friends" i.e. more or less constant contact . . if you talk to an ex several times a week . . . well that doesn't seem really heavy on the EX part.

When you keep talking early into the break up, someone is always forcing it, maybe both. Its understandable, there is definite emotional dependancy to any relationship and the strain is much like withdrawal, it hurts. It can hurt so much its like being sick. And people will do almost anything to avoid being sick. And every time you talk to an EX it alleviates that illness a little . . . its still bad but often not as bad.

But, if you establish a relationship right away and end up forcing something . . it creates a weird kind of cathexis that sustains the old relationship in some pale imitation of itself, and make it really hard to have a new and good relationship with someone new and worthy.

If we were writing it as a screenplay, you would establish a friendship with an EX that would influence all your future relationships negatively, all your friends would see it, but you would deny it. "Oh we are just friends."

Until finally you met someone really worthy and your relationship with your EX ruined it . . . and you would finally realize what was happening but it would be too late for your new relationship and your old one . . well you an never go back. Leaving you older, wiser and alone :)

Bad movie.

The variations are even worse. The new guy forgives you and takes you anyway. What a loser because you would have already ruined it. Or you go back to your ex . . another loser deal.

Sigh. Note: "You" in the above is not meant for anyone particular in this thread.

Obviously it depends on the two people involved, but I'm friends with guys I was previously involved with, and not friends with others. One guy in particular I tried repeatedly to be friends with after the fact, I had no desire to be in a relationship, and it helped that we lived far from each other. However it didn't work because he is just a crappy friend. I saw that in general he wasn't a good friend to anyone, and even if we never had dated he'd still be a major flake and a waste of my time. Then there is another guy I dated, and we run in some of the same social circles so we're very lucky that we're mature enough to let it go, and even laugh about how mismatched we were as a couple, but are really better off as friends.

The key for me is to not want to date them anymore, to not harbor any anger about things that happened (or be looking for an apology, agreeing to not discuss anything that went on ever again was helpful), and to honor the qualities that make a good friend, if they have any. Know when to cut your losses and move on.

I was in the same situation before I met my husband. I knew the guy was not right, but I could never seem to break it off. After some serious humiliation and his friends telling me that he was having his "run" of the town, I let it go and found my husband :D

:confused::confused::confused:
I really don't know where you are getting that. That isn't at all what happened.

Thanks for the advice everyone. :)

I don't know if I read it right, sorry if I made an assumption. I just don't like to see people hurt from love heartache. I apologize for my presumption. :(

That's ok. I was really curious where that assumption came from because it was off the wall. :) Thank you for the apology.

It's ok I understand you don't like to see people hurt.... I'm hurt because the relationship is over of course. But I truly know it is for the best.

I don't know Thetalove's reason for the break up, but what I can't figure out is when a man and a woman break it off, and say it's for the best. Well, I can see if the relationship is jacked, then it's for the best, but if everything is going good, why break up? :confused: See, that's why I cut off all ties. Why do people think you have to be friends with your X?

This is just me, but if I were you, I would tell your X it's over period. I would say don't call me, don't look me up, and don't ask to see me. Let's just have no contact whatsoever, so have a nice life. Then I would move on to someone else.

ThetaLove,

It's tough right now, but it will get better.

My most recent ex who was also my most serious relationship have been broken up for about 10 months now. It was really tough in the beginning. I spent about six months just putting myself and my life back together without him.

I'm not completely over him, but I know that I'll never go back. [He (who is 22) left me to be with a 16 yr old girl and now after that stupidity passed, he realizes what a mistake he made and wants me back.]

The biggest mistake I made was making my entire life around him. I never did anything or spent time with anyone without running it by him first. I thought that if I gave him everything I had to give he would always love me.

Just, be strong. You have your sisters and your family and your GC family here around you. It won't be easy, but it will get better.

AlwaysSAI said it well. I know with me, I dated but no one seriously until I met my ex. He was two years younger than me and we were together for over a year, and we were soooo in loooovvveeee lol. We lived together last summer, and he went back to school and I had graduated, we broke up in October. It was a mutual breakup, just realizing that things couldn't be the same, long distance was too hard. long story short, my best friend started sleeping with him while he and i were still sleeping togehter even though we broke up. i found out a month later. i hate him. lol and i don't care for her either.
even through all of that, I still appreciate the time we spent together, b/c it made me a better person (though he isn't... i'm not bitter! :p) I'm still picking up the pieces, but not really because of him, but because of me, I have to get my own life together. but i digress.

my point is, things will get better, one step at a time, one day at time. There is no set period of time to get over an ex, it's different for everyone. I recommend using your family, friends and GC :) and getting involved in other activities. that's one thing that I should have done and plan on doing, is taking classes or doing something that I love... instead of sitting home, moping and eating... :o

OP,

I am really sorry to hear about your breakup-- I know exactly how you feel, I was with my boyfriend for 8 months (doesn't seem like long but we were attached at the hip and i was in LOVE!) and then we suddenly broke up. He goes to school 6 hours away and that was mostly the reason- long distance is really tough! He was very cold about it though, and basically cut off all ties to me, wrote me off, and started completely ignoring me. and when you go from being completely in love and planning your life together to absolutely nothing, it freaking blows.

I was absolutely devastated and kinda went into a little depression period- I slowly got over it, with the help of my friends and trying to take my mind off of it... each day little by little until I hardly thought about him anymore. But I guess I never really got fully over it.

Plot Twist- He has since come to his senses ( he apologized immensely and is still in the process of winning back my love and trust..) so now we are back together...

is there any way ya'll will ever get back together? How long did yall date?

some people think ex's cant ever be friends because of too many emotions involved, but i guess it just depends on a lot of things- how long/serious the relationship was, and how both people feel about the possibility of being friends.

sorry to ramble on about my life story- but PM me if you want to talk about anything!! :) :o

I was with ex for nearly a year, it was a very chilly mutual breakup. Things he initially found attractive, enduring, became issues. I am impulsive, a tad too direct, but have been working on it, and am a wash-and-wear girl, not really into makeup, clothes (I am not sloppy, just casual), and tend to wing it.

He is/was very organized, and was the first professional (an attorney) I'd dated in quite awhile, making my mother happy.

I hadn't seen him for almost a year, and he is with the new girl, very polished (my aunt's description).

My ex's mom and mine, and an aunt are in the same local ladies social club. There is an event they are holding this weekend, and a few months ago, my mom asked me to attend and "represent" the family. She and my aunt are on a cruise.

And joy, for joy, I have learned the ex and his current lady are attending. A buddy from college is my date, I need his sense of humor. This all occurs while I am moving. I will stop, haul to the salon, change and then off to the party.

:DThat is what I plan to do. Thanks for the comment, it is same view of my buddy date, who knows all of us: me, the ex, the new girl. Adding to this, I have a bum toe, can't wear the high heels. Before heading off for the cruise, mom got me a great dress, is covering the cost of my hair at the salon. I plan to pull it together as best I can.

Thanks for the reply. No, I really don't think we will get back together. I can't say that anything major happened... but I don't see the same future that I once did.

We dated a little over a year.

I'm making it. Of course the pain is still there, with regret about things I did/didn't do and things he did or didn't do. Just taking one day at a time and trying to do things because I want to, not because I feel like I should be doing them. Such as going out with friends and dealing with men. :D I have plenty of things to keep me busy.

My last serious relationship of a year, and the first in quite awhile, ended badly about a year ago. A fight about little things spun out of control in the parking lot of a restaurant. The poor valet, all he wanted was the stubs so he could get our cars, not high pitched drama.

Since then, I decided to go back to school and put myself in my own little world getting ready. My friends saw it best not to bring the ex up until I was warned he would be attending with the latest girlfriend an event I was attending earlier this month. posted elsewhere about this, so will just be brief.

A buddy of both of ours went as my date. I managed a brief civil (described as perhaps a tad chilly) conversation with the ex and the new girl. Dang, she can smile, smile, smile.

Do I miss him. Yes and no. I miss the beginning of our relationship, some crazy fun, but not the nasty crash. Perhaps both of us should have a warning label.

This is a rather unusual thread for me to be posting to, but it does strike close to home. My first really great love and I grew up together. From seventh grade through highschool, staying close despite my being away for two years while my Dad was in London, through college, until I left for initial active duty. We had hopes and plans but sometimes these things do not work out as anticipated. She decided that she did not want to be an Army wife and I was on duty in Europe for three years and then more while I did an MA(Oxon). By the time I got back and started law school we had drifted apart and despite a bitter-sweet attempt to sort things out in the couple of weeks before law we were history. Midway through 2L I was called up and deployed forward. I heard nothing from her while I was in Iraq and when I later returned to finish Law School. Then I did an LLM (BVC) in the UK to qualify for the English Bar and when I returned to the US so I could begin to take over some of my Dad's international practice I saw an obit for her father who had died that week. What hit me like a sledge hammer was that in his obit it mentioned that he was pre-deceased by his daughter who had died while I was deployed. I did not know and as both her mother and father were now dead I had no easy way of finding out what happened. I finally found her obit in a small town newspaper where they used to have a summer house. She had been diagnosed with an advanced and aggressive form of cancer and died within weeks of its discovery. Since then I have been unable to completely shake off the feeling that I missed the one great love of my life. I have a reasonable social life and an incumbent "favorite female" but she is aware that I cannot seem to go the the next level of a relationship. I am afraid that something crucial is deeply scarred and I don't know when or if I will be able to get over it. Life goes on but something is diminished.

Wow. Your post game me chills. Thanks for posting that.

This advice that I was given may help you (or someone else): Whenever you think of your ex, use the phrase that he is "someone I used to love." It doesn't put blame on either of you, it simply helps your mind reprogram in a positive way.

Another good one, for nosy people who know that your ex has already hooked up with another person is, "He has the unique ability to make two women happy. I was thrilled to get rid of him, and she was thrilled to get him. I like to think of it as recycling."

As crazy as those phrases sound, it's all about resetting your brain, which in turn, will reset your heart. Good luck!

i tend to agree, i only have tried to "remain friends" if the relationship was still pretty much brand new and we mutually agree that friendship is as far as it should go.

The secret that no one ever tells you about getting over an ex is . . .

Drum roll please . . .

You have to want to get over him/her.

If you break up and you wonder "where you guys are going from here" or "how can i make sure we stay friends." Or any of a myriad other silly things people do post break up. You actually are not wanting/trying to get over the EX.

Like trying to lose weight and looking to find ways to over eat . . .

me and my first love are still really good friends. we were together for about 3 years. it ended and of course we stopped talking for awhile. but then we ran into each other and decided that we missed each others company and that it was possible to be friends without being in a relationship. hes one of my best friends now. were both very supportive of each others lives. i think were both a lil older and a lil more mature now and realize that were better off friends. i know thats not the norm for ex's and i also know that this is one of the only ex's that im still really close with.

Thank you all very much for your advice! It was all very sweet.

I'm going to have to watch Swingers. *gasp* I know, I'm sheltered because I've never seen it. haha.

I was over it 5 seconds after I hit the door. Which vaguely worries me.

I sometimes (rarely) miss being in a relationship. I do not miss being in a relationship with him.

My friend wrote a great article about his experiences trying to get over his ex and what he found to be the best coping strategies.

http://www.growyourgame.com/articles...et-over-my-ex/

Bit of shameless friend-promotion there but it's worth a look. Good luck.

I'm not friends with any of my exes. I firmly believe that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to be there forever. I talk to one occasionally and we're very friendly but that's more acquaintance than friend.

I hold no animosity and have been "over it" for years. I just don't like being bothered with people who think they have a lifetime connection with you because they are from your past. They often don't have anything in common with you in the present. Let the past be the past. I moved on to bigger and better things years ago so my relationship and friendships reflect my present and future. Not my past.

What if the ex never goes away?

There is a guy I dated on and off for about 4-5 yrs... it's an awful cycle - we get together, and a few months later something happens that makes me not want to see or hear from him ever again, so we stop talking, and he always finds a way to contact me, and we start talking again, and we get together again, and then the cycle begins again.

A few months ago was another point where I said, "WTH, everytime I talk to you again, I regret it a few months later"... so we stopped talking, and I've asked him to kindly leave me the hell alone. If he finds something in his apt that is mine, keep it, throw it, or sell it on ebay... I obviously don't care enough to realize it's gone (he's used this a few times to get back in contact with me). It seems that just as my life is returning to normal, I'm dating other guys, that's when he tries to come back in the picture.

Over the last couple months he's tried a few times and sent me text messages, I got a couple of Christmas ecards and a "happy holidaze" text message the other day. (poor guy, doesn't know how to spell...haha). I haven't responded to any of them.

Why can't he just go away?

What part of "leave me alone and don't talk to me ever again" is so hard to understand? If a guy told me that, I'd leave him alone!

I'm just so frustrated.

Well he's obviously not stalking you because you let him back in everytime. It seems that you used to enjoy this rollercoaster ride and you've given him the wrong idea. Until now. You now expect him to think it's finally over and to go away as if you've proven yourself anything other than inconsistent in the past.

If you want him out of your life, put him out of your life. Continue to ignore his attempts at contact with no relapses. If he doesn't get the point, change your contact info.

Chaos....I like you.:cool: Sometimes I read something you write in a D&R thread and I think, "That was harsh", but it is the truth.

Most of the time people have to bump thier heads [a lot] to understand things. However I can attest to cutting off all ties. If you let someone come around even if it is for 10 minutes....they will come and try to press thier luck for more time and more time until they are a fixture in your life again.

I had finally had enough and REFUSED to answer another phone call from the ENEMY (LOL). Yes, I am pissed, angry, upset, and a bunch of other things. However, as long as I allowed him to come around I was going to continue to feel that way. I am still learning, but the sooner the better!!:)

Soror Chaos does keep it real and I like that in a person...
Rev1908 you KNOW I know how this is...and I agree with Texas*princess that it is hard sometimes to cut all ties with someone who you've dealt with for a long time...I don't make resolutions but I decided to go into '08 without the baggage from my on again off again...low and behold guess who texted me this morning...its like I understand just don't answer but I always get caught up in the the what if something is wrong scenario...I know, I know Imma sucka.... :o

That is a fantastic one!!

You know I know about that too! Girl if something is wrong tell that joker (lol) to call 911 or Tyrone....but he can't use your phone (courtsey of Erykah B.).

Now I need to listen to that song!