"The Dreaded Phone Call"
 

As I mentioned on a retro recruitment thread, the Fraternity and Sorority Affairs Coordinator informed me that we were violating campus rules by notifying a member that their legacy had been released. My chapter had always called alumnae to let them know that their legacy would be/had been released. The Coordinator had valid reasons. She was concerned that the alumna may inform the PNM and the PNM would be upset and alone. She also felt that it violated silence rules. We obliged and waited to call until bids were revealed. However, it has caused a couple of problems. First, by Bid Day the alumna knows the legacy has been released and it seems less courteous. Second, often an upset alumna calls and wants to know why her legacy was released and why she was not notified.

I had thought about sending a letter before recruitment explaining that we are not allowed to make contact during recruitment with alumna family members of PNMs, but that seems callous and also may unnecessarily concern alumnae.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Additionally, what are your personal thoughts: If your daughter/sister were going through recruitment would you want/expect a phone call from your organization?

I know that I personally would want a phone call if I were the alumnae member in question. (Of course, I'm a reasonable person, and if the chapter called me after the fact explaining that Panhellenic prohibited them from contacting me, I'd understand. It wouldn't take away the hurt feelings I'd had for however many days prior to the chapter finally contacting me though.)

Honestly, I would contact your regional officer (or whatever the appropriate title for the sisters higher up the chain for you) to see what they recommend. If this is a situation that has come up with other chapters, your group might already have an official solution/policy that they'd like you to follow. If the situation hasn't yet come up with other chapters, then your Inter/nationals might want to be aware so that they could develop an official stance. (after all, if its happening on one campus, its only a matter of time before it might come up somewhere else...)

I personally don't believe that contating an alumnae member should constitute breaking silence...after all, alumnae assistance is a part of recruitment for crying out loud!

I don't know what's worse, getting the phone call or not getting it and hearing from your hysterical legacy. I know women who have had both happen to them and they're both awful. Yet all I can say is that if you have a legacy going through, try to prepare yourself for that possibility because legacy status surely doesn't seem to count for much anymore.

Can a CPH over rule National policy? :confused:

I know that my mom was notified. Since she told me before recruitment that she would be called if I was cut by her house, I would have been shocked and very upset if I had shown up to get my schedule (thinking her house was on it) and found out I had been cut without the call we had both expected. I would personally expect to be contacted if a legacy of mine was cut at my house.

Have you contacted your HQ to find out how they would expect you to handle this? I'm not sure that your campus can expect you to violate a national alumnae relations rule.

That's what I was thinking because isn't it part of most NPC orgs legacy policy to notify the aunt/sister/mother alum member if they are released ??

I wouldn't think it would violate silence because you are discussing this with another initiated member of the sorority - just like you could discuss it with an adviser. As for the alumna telling the PNM, the PNM really wouldn't be alone if she didn't want to be - she has a rho chi.

You know, now that I see this discussion, I'm begining to see how conflicting policies COULD make it almost impossible to cut a legacy. If your national policy dictates that you MUST call the mom/sister/aunt before cutting a legacy, but local policy says that you can't do that, it puts you in a bit of a sticky situation. But I agree with IrishPipes, you're discussing sorority business with an initated member.

if/when my daughter goes through recruitment and the chapte3r decides to release her, I hope to hell they would call me before my daughter finds out about it so I can be prepared when she calls me upset.....I see both sides of the issue, but I think it's courteous to notify the alumnae family member if a legacy is cut.

I also agree with the previous statement that a PNM would not be alone if devasted about being cut from a legacy house (or any other) because they have their Rho Chi for support and guidance during recruitment. That is the job of the Rho Chi (or whatever they call them anymore).

phone call
 

I would have appreciated a call if my daughters had been released by my sorority. I read some experiences on the Zeta website of how recruitment may not turn out postively for the PNMs and I was basically prepared for anything to happen. My daughters went through recruitment last year at a very large southern university. I, also, went to a very large southern university but not this one. I really tried to keep an open mind and not influence their decision at all. They called me after each round and described the process to me which has really changed since my " rush" in the dark ages. Their ZTA pref party really was quite beautiful and brought back some really sweet memories went they were recounting it over the phone. I did get my hopes up after the pref round that maybe one of them would pledge ZTA. They were fortunate enough not to be released by any groups during the recruitment process and although they preffed ZTA, another group was their first choice. Was I sad? A little bit...although they are thrilled with their choice and for that reason so am I. Some of their high school friends did go ZTA at other schools which made me very happy.

I would appreciate the courtesy of a phone call if my hypothetical future daughter/granddaughter were released from AEPhi.

Maybe the best thing is for both the PNM and her sister/mother/grandmother/aunt to get the news at the same time - the chapter calls the mother (or whoever) at the same time that (a) the PNM gets her invite list and her legacy chapter isn't on it, or (b) the PNM's rho chi tells her she's been released entirely.

While a phone call is nice, some things to consider... sometimes there are too many women coming through/legacies and not enough time to make those calls...

Our chapters (I think most sororities!) send acknowledgement cards to the recommenders when references and recommendations are received by the chapter. Usually, it's a "Thank you for your recommendation of [Patty PNM]. Best Wishes, ABC chapter of XYZ of sorority."

Adding onto that, this is a good opportunity to let the recommender's know that you may not be able to call them if their PNM is released and that not every legacy/recommended woman is guaranteed a bid. These acknowledgement cards are also an excellent opportunity to solicit volunteers and contributions to your chapter as well as update alumnae on what the chapter has accomplished over the prior school year.

If my imaginary future daughter chooses to go through recruitment, I know I'll be rooting for her to join her legacy sorority on the inside... and I can only imagine how upset she and I would be if she were cut... but the girls run that risk with every chapter at recruitment, not just their legacy chapter... you just have to hope for the best for her and expect the worst. It's one thing if my "kid" gets dropped by ADPi, but what if her heart is set on joining ASA and she is dropped by them? Either way, she's upset, you're upset and there's no advance warning from the non-legacy groups. I realize, it's easier to say that since I haven't been a mom with a kid going through recruitment... but you know what I'm getting at.

As I mentioned in the other thread, Gamma Phi Beta policy is to allow the legacy to notify her mother/aunt/grandmother/sister. Because it is the International policy, everyone knows there will not be a phone call should the legacy be cut, so there are no hard feelings. I think the problem would be if the person sending her legacy through recruitment had different expectations than the chapter as to what would happen should the legacy be released. I have received notes from Gamma Phi chapters to whom I have sent recs thanking me and even telling me what the girl pledged. That was nice, and appreciated.
My 17 year old daughter's first choice college has no Greek system, so it may not be a problem for me. She's also not sure about joining a sorority - everyone pray for me! - were she to go to a school with a Greek system. I'd be thrilled were she to join any NPC org!!!
Oh, and when I saw the thread "the dreaded phone call " - I thought it was going to be about the "you were dropped by all houses" call.(!)

I agree...I'm just kinda REAL glad my chapter was no longer there when daughter went through and I didn't have to face rejection...on her part or theirs...

I must not have articulated it clearly enough. The coordinator was concerned that the member (mother, sister, grandmother, etc...) would call the PNM and tell her she was released before the recruitment counselor. In that case, she could be alone when she was informed.

I believe this has been mentioned on the other thread: I, as recruitment advisor, strongly encourage the actives to give the release of a legacy a great deal of thought. I ask them to think about how they would feel if this was their younger sister or daughter. Releasing a legacy can make a member cut ties with the chapter (and sometimes the entire organization). Likewise, I remind them that bidding a legacy can really encourage an alumna to become much more active.

Conversely, I know that it can be frustrating to the members when a woman has never participated in a single alumnae event that we have held, yet expects us to automatically bid her legacy.

You know, I keep thinking about this...and I know my daughter won't be rushing for another 15 years, so I might feel differently then, but I still don't get why women get so upset over that phonecall. When they make that phone call, you are both sisters, discussing private membership selection information. We don't share closed/private information with our legacies about the meaning of our letters, symbols, ritual info, etc...why do we end up sharing private membership selection info with them.

If you read threads over in the D9 forums, you'll see that most of those ladies take a "If my daughter is good enough to get into MY sorority attitude". One AKA even mentioned that her daughter asked when she would get to be an AKA, and the mother replied "IF you get to be an AKA, just cause Momma made it, doesn't mean you will...". Now, I'm not jaded enough to think those mothers wouldn't be upset if their daughter doesn't make it...but they set their daughters up to KNOW that it's not an automatic thing, and they still have to work for it...which I think does them a huge favor in the end.

After dedicating as many years of my life to my sorority in numerous (somewhat high profile) positions, I certainly would hope that I would be notified if my daughter was released from an Alpha Gam chapter. I would want to work through my own disappointment before having to help her deal with hers. If the kid continues on the path she's on now (4.0 GPA, marching band, Girl Scout, National Junior Honor Society and active in her church youth group and gets along with just about everybody she meets), she'd be an asset to any chapter. Granted, she'll probably go to a northern school where there are NOT more legacies going through recruitment than quota, so that wouldn't be an issue. As of right now, she very much wants to be an Alpha Gam, but she is also considering schools that don't have Alpha Gam chapters. It's entirely possible that she would choose a different group herself, but it would be nice if it was her choice!

As far as the school's argument that they wouldn't want her to be alone when she found out, in most of the recruitment stories we see on here, people sit at home waiting to see if they get "the phone call" that they have been released or didn't get a bid. Most of those women are alone when they find out, so I don't see how this is different. Additionally, if the mother/grandma/etc. is notified ahead of time, they could potentially be there to help the woman with the situation.

In my experience, the phone call that is made doesn't tell the person specifics about why the legacy was released so you're not really sharing private membership selection information. You're simply letting the initiated member know before the PNM finds out. It's a courtesy.

ETA: I'm only talking about legacies, not every woman recommended. If I wrote a rec for someone, I would not expect a phone call. For my daughter though? You bet I would expect one!

As an active, I'm sure I don't really see the full spectrum of this. Yes, when and if I have a daughter and when and if she decides to rush, I would be upset if Phi Mu cut her. However, just because a PNM is a legacy doesn't mean she has the correct personality for the respective chapter. I've seen legacies come through and their older sister/mother/aunt was a WONDERFUL attribute to the chapter, however the PNM really would be better suited in a different chapter on our campus. That being said, we may not release these girls, but if a legacy does get cut, it's silly for her mother to cut ties completely or be upset with the chapter...it's looking out for the best interest of her daughter.

As one of my Pi Chis (that's what we call Rho Chis) said, "Who really knows which chapter is best suited for you? Your mother, your best friend, or the chapter?"

I agree with AGDee; I would hope to get one. Based on what I've seen with competitive recruitments, that rarely happens, though.

I never even thought about the pain of a legacy being cut until my daughters were almost college age; I was too busy raising them. Then as I watched all these local legacies being cut, it came home. Some moms even left their sororities. They knew that it was a possibility, they knew that a lot of legacies were rushing but when someone rejects your child you take it personally.

I think that, with time as an alumna, you get a slightly different perspective too though. I was part of my collegiate chapter for 4 years but I've been part of Alpha Gamma Delta for 23 years now. Most of the sisters that I am friends with now are NOT from my chapter of initiation. I have become quite fond of sisters from all over the country and see the Fraternity as a whole in a different light.

I'm going to agree with most of what's been said. And the phone calls cannot be pleasant to make- our advisor handles them.

But I think what everyone's forgetting is a practicality issue- often, there just isn't enough TIME. Think about it, in a large recruitment (one large enough where legacy cuts become an issue) making invite lists is a task that will run well into the latenight, even the morning, depending on the chapter and how they do things. It's impossible to know whether or not that alumnae will want to receive a phone call at 2 am. And at my school, girls go meet with their Pi Chis and accept/decline their invites fairly early in the morning, then have a couple hours before the parties start.

When we have to make "the call," we usually make it the next morning. But in that scenario, it's problematic because the PNM has already received her invites, and the alumna may or may not have gotten "the call," from her legacy.

Annabella, when the legacy involved is your child, you don't care if that phone call comes at 7pm, 11pm, or 3am - you want to be "there" for her. You will know this, deep down inside of you, should you ever have a daughter.

Mothers raise their daughters to love a certain GLO - their own GLO. Should their daughter be cut, for any reason, they want, they need to know. And frankly, most daughters would rather hear it from their mothers than from some relative stranger. Believe me, more than one mother has cut ties with their own sorority over the pain of watching their daughters cut from their mothers' sorority!

My mother counted on me pledging one sorority, and I pledged another (and I wasn't cut). I've been out of college more years than I care to think about, and she has only recently gotten over her grief that I didn't pledge her mother's sorority.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - we have GOT to revisit the NPC Legacy Situation before we lose more mothers and even more daughters!

I understand what you are saying from a practical standpoint, but the decision is possibly really important to the member who has the legacy going through rush. If the group outlines that she be called, then the chapter needs to make it a priority.

As far as I know, there's no reason you'd have to be voting on the legacies at 2 AM even if you are still in MS. You could decide on those first and then a designated alumna who didn't need to be at MS could start calling.

Basically, there are ways of addressing the practical problems and still honoring the relationship of the alumna member to the group IF your group has the policy.

Or at the next opportunity, those chapters than can't handle calling should try to change their policies. But it's not right to have a policy that the member would expect to be followed, and then to have her find out from a heartbroken legacy that she had been cut and for her to never get the phone call.

(Although I've personally expressed in another thread how it would make me mad to have a legacy cut, I don't think anyone is assuming legacies have an automatic "right" to join a chapter. I think all of us understand that the legacy has to be a well qualified recruitment guest in her own right, but when she appears to be well qualified (good grades, leadership, service, cute, etc), and the chapter is going to release her, at the least the chapter could follow its own GLO polices in notifying the member.)

I still like my sorority's policy of allowing the PNM to choose whether/when to notify her mother/grandmother/sis. Recruitment is about the PNM and the collegiate members, NOT the alumnae. That may be hard for some women to believe, but it IS...otherwise ALUMNAE would participate in recruitment, too. I think the PNM should have a right to privacy and to be the first to know. If I was a PNM cut by my mother's house during recruitment, I would be FURIOUS if I got a call from her telling me that or if I knew she knew before I did.

College students are adults. That's why most of them move out of the house or move far away when they go to college. Recruitment should be an experience they can go through without their mommies fighting the fights for them, or demanding to know things about their life at college before they even do.

That might or might not work, depending on how the sorority does MS - you might not know until the end of MS who will be invited and who will be cut. To make up a silly example, let's say that according to the RFM, you can invite 150 women, and you choose by writing down the names of all the PNMs at your last round and throwing them into a hat and picking out 150 names. Until the 150th name is drawn, you won't know if Suzie Legacy is getting invited.

Anyway, personally, I don't think I'd be sick with worry about my hypothetical future daughter getting cut from AEPhi. Just because AEPhi was right for me doesn't mean it would be right for her, and I'd want her to follow her own heart.

I think the reason I'd be upset not to get a call is because I have always understood the policy to be that I would receive a call if my legacy was cut. It's not that I necessarily think that my sister is perfect for DG, for example, but I would be upset not to get a call if she was dropped by a DG chapter because my understanding is that I would get one in the event of that.

I think that's where a lot of women are coming from when it comes to saying they'd expect a call... not that they'd necessarily expect their sister/daughter to be bidded, just that they'd expect their sorority to follow policy if policy dictated a call.

YES YES YES YES YES! You took the words right out of my head.

Phi Mu changed their policy in 2005; we used to notify alumnae if their legacies were cut, but we do not anymore due to privacy issues. This fact was publicized in our recent Aglaia, in an effort to alert alums of this policy so they won't be disappointed by not receiving that call.

I can see both sides of this discussion though. I completely agree with PeppyGPhiB but then I also place myself in the situation of the mother whose sorority has dropped her daughter.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if more groups went to this policy, and if they do, that would be fine. But if you have the policy, you can't decide just that it's too much bother to honor it.

Some of us are looking at it from perspective that the group needs to reach out to the alumna to show her respect as a member, and another group who thinks that the call is all about the PNM. In my opinion it's not about the PNM that much at all; it's most certainly not an opportunity for the member to negotiate about MS.

No one is saying that the chapter has to defer to the alumnae in terms of who they choose as members, so I find it hard to understand why some of you think that calling an alumna to tell her about an outcome places her on the same status as the PNM, especially at PNM that the chapter CUT. (She'll never even be a member of the group, period.)

How does calling the alumna after the decision is made equate with recruitment being more about the alumna than about the actives and PNMs?

You're following up on the legacy notification that the alumna sent to the chapter, not breaking down the PNM's recruitment results generally.

ETA: I'm not trying to be antagonistic. If I were a member of your group, I suspect the not-calling policy would seem as natural as breathing. But it's seems like some people seem to think that call means a lot more than it does. It's just a courtesy that the chapter as representatives of the GLO shows the alumna member.

HC, what would you prefer to see done? I don't know that I know your full position on this.

FYI
 

www.greekstation.com has very nice cards to sent to alumnae to thank them for sending a recommendation, including one with a space for listing where the pnm ended up pledging.

Yeah,

My grandma is still not happy that I didnt join her sorority. She had her heart set on it for a long time from what I can tell. I mean, she used to look after me in the summertime while my parents were at wokr. Her sisters would and still do meet twice a week to play bridge. I grew up knowing all of them and I guess I learned a few things I shouldn't know (don't worry, I haven't passed it on). I didn't even realize those were secrets till I got to college!

My mother's sorority isn't at my school, so it wasn't an issue.

My aunt also really wanted me to join her sorority, very badly. She was even telling me the stuff that the members do to indicate a bad conversation, even worse, the "let her go sign". Man, I was having a bad day during the second to last day of recruitment and was not my usual self.

It showed and I had the most cuts that day. It was aweful and I could hear my grandmother crying in the background when I told her. My aunt took it better, but I have only ever seen her cry once. Worst of all, I felt like I had dissappointed them. It was expected of me to join a certain sorority, and I had failed them. Parents may go through a lot, but if you are a legacy you will have to go through much worse. All your known life you have had a certain thing placed before you and you have now caused people you love pain. That is what it feels like.

I will say, however, fate can be a cruel and giving mistress. I could not have asked for a group of people that I could more call sisters. There is just something that clicks and makes you realize how it just wasn't there before or with anyone else.

Alum do participate in recruitment. Just because they don't have a vote doesn't mean they're not important. They're recruitment advisors and supervisors. They're in the kitchen prepping the food. They're writing the recs that are vital at many schools.

If a sorority has a policy of not calling then the alumna should be aware of it and it's all a moot point. For the sororities that still have the policy of calling I think it's vital to make an attempt to contact the alumna. That being said, if I were to get a call before 7am I would not be happy. Even if they were calling to say they did bid my hypothetical legacy. Calls in the middle of the night are supposed to be saved for deaths and births. Failing to recieve a bid is neither.

When I was in school we usually weren't starting MS until after 11pm and were very lucky if we got to leave by 1am. The President, VPM, Recruitment Advisor, and/or Recruitment Supervisor then had a few more hours ahead of them. I recall one year when the lists were due by 3am our VPM showed up early but she was told that the chapters had to be added in alphabetical order. She had to wait for the seven other sororities lists to arrive an be entered before ours could be done! It was insane that happened and I hope it's no longer an issue.

I don't personally think I'd want SK to move to a policy of not calling alumna but I think that there should be some flexibility in the policy. An alumna should be required, before recruitment begins, to indicate if and how she'd like to be contacted. Some women would want the calls while others wouldn't. Some would want to know ASAP wehere as other can wait till after 7am. Some would be happy with an email.

These calls are meant to be "We regret to inform you that your legacy has been released from XYZ." Not, "We voted and only 30% thought she should get a bid because the others thought she was a tramp for making out with four guys during the first week of school." No reasons or results. Simply tell the alumna that the legacy didn't get a bid and then do what you need to do to get off the phone.

SoCalGirl,

I think that maybe the legacy introduction forms could ask about type of notification the alumna would prefer. That would also remind her than she can't expect the PNM to get a bid just because she was member.

It should be regarded as a courtesy by the alumna too, and she shouldn't make it a more unpleasant than it has to be. There are very few objective aspects to MS, and she's never going to get a truly satisfying explanation, so everyone should recognize that's not what the call is about. It's a courtesy; it spares the PNM from having to break the news if it is a case where she is going to feel that she let the member down, but it's not an extension of MS.

I got myself into an unpleasant situation in another thread asking about Gamma Phi's policy, but I really do think there are reasons why other GLOs should consider moving towards it. First among them is the idea that many chapters don't seem to be honoring it anyway. And that's a double whammy. The alumna thinks no call is good news; the pnm gets cut. The alumna may be disappointed she got cut, but even if she wasn't concerned about the cut, she's probably kind of miffed that the GLO policy wasn't followed. (And if the PNM really wanted the chapter, the alumna is now upset about two things: her legacy's hurt feelings, and the chapter's cavalier attitude about GLO policy.)

I think sorority members should be notified if their legacy is dropped. The question is WHEN.

My mom wasn't in a sorority, but I thought, what if she had been and been grooming me to pledge that group for 18 years - and they dropped me the second day? Everyone's mom is different, but I have the feeling I would have been so busy consoling my mom that life would go on that the 6 other invites I got wouldn't have meant jack to me. Or to her. I would probably drop out of rush rather than have to deal with that and miss what could have been a great experience.

Then of course, you have another side of the coin - the rushee can't stand the legacy chapter and doesn't want to disappoint her mom by telling her "hey Mom, these girls are total jerks" and instead of telling her mom she cut them, tells Mom the sorority dropped her.

It seems like parents have so much more invested in their kids nowadays - emotionally and $wise and timewise - that the thought of having to tell them anything negative is enough to cast a pall on all of rush week.

33girl, my chapter was on both sides of that coin when I was in school: a legacy who we couldn't stand, and one that didn't like us. We weren't permitted to drop the one, as she was a 5-generation legacy and those orders came from EO. The other, thankfully, dropped us before we had a problem. The 5-generation legacy simply did not want to be in ANY sorority; she got initiated at Convention, then transferred to a school without a Greek system. We truly did feel sorry for her, once we heard the whole story, but that stands out as the roughest Rush we ever did - and I was Membership Information Chairman at the time! :p

I think this is a great idea! That way, even before R starts, the PNM will be ever so aware that R is a two-way street, and she and her mother/sister/grandmother can make the choice together. I think it would save a LOT of hurt feelings.

So many legacies are legacies to more than one GLO anymore, that adding another chapter could give double legacies two chances at a legacy house. Yes, the quota would be smaller (maybe 75 instead of 90?), but in this particular situation, R would run more smoothly.

I keep hearing about R with 150 legacies showing up at houses when Quota is 100, and you just have to know that there are going to be at least 20 heartbreaks in that scenario. And heartbreaks during R can too easily translate into anti-greek feelings - that's why I'm so concerned with the whole legacy situation.

The second part of this is the legacy who's dropped just prior to Pref. Unless this legacy has been arrested for being a member of Charles Manson's band, there is simply NO EXCUSE for doing this. Too often, the other GLOs have figured, "Oh, she's going XYZ, why waste an invitation on her?" and so a legacy - the PNM who is supposed to get a step up in R is left high and dry. If I never hear of another time that this happens, it will be too soon!

I have enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts and opinions on this issue, because it is one that I have had to deal with and am sure to deal with many times again. My organization does not have a policy requiring chapters to call or send a letter or anything. And I like it that way. I am not a fan of the phone call, for several reasons:

1. As stated earlier in the thread, the PNM is an adult. The decision to participate in recruitment was hers to make alone, and she can legally do it without parental consent. Additionally, some PNMs might not want to admit that they have been released and would prefer to say or act like the decision was hers. That's her business. Not Mom's. There are privacy laws preventing Universities from divulging information to parents. Even though our sororities do not receive federal funds and are not always subject to the same laws, perhaps we should consider them as a guideline.

2. Even though several of you have commented that it SHOULD be this way, it will be the very rare phone call that Mom says, "OKTHXBYE." More likely the advisor or President will get questions about "why" and questions about whether or not it can be reversed and threats to call Executive Office. Stress that they don't need during recruitment. Questions that they can't answer because they are about MS.

3. While I believe that alumnae are necessary and valuable assets to our organizations (I'm one), I do not believe that they are entitled to know privileged membership selection information. Who is invited to parties or who is not is privileged membership selection information.

4. The educated alumna will not only encourage her daughter to make her own decisions and join the sorority that is right for her, she will also understand that perhaps her daughter is not right for her sorority. There is a reason that our organizations (well, mine at least) do not allow alumnae to participate in membership selection. Mine does not even allow alumnae to ATTEND MS unless they are an advisor or international officer. Alumnae have the privilege of recommending members, but they do not have the privilege of selecting them. So why should they have the privilege of know who was NOT selected?

NOTE: When an organization has a policy in place that requires the phone call, I believe that it should be made. In no way would I suggest that chapters go against an inter/national policy. I am debating the practice in general, not whether or not chapters should adhere to rules.

I am curious to hear a reason for the notification beyond "respect the alumna." Why is it necessary to hear it from the chapter (if you can't hear the reason why) as opposed to hearing it from the PNM?

It's really interesting to me that you think the party lists are privileged membership selection. I don't think that way at all.
Once the list comes out of the meeting to be sent to panhellenic to match with PNMs, I don't think it's private MS anymore. (I mean, just the list of names stops being MS. How you developed the list is still MS.)

ETA: Respect for the alumna IS really the only reason that I think the calls should be made, but for me, that would be enough. And again, I only mean for groups that have set up the expectation she be called. If we are talking about changing policies, I don't know that this notification has to be a phone call before the PNM receives her invite list. But I think it might be wise for groups to try to reach out in some way to the alumna because the rejection of someone in her immediate family might create some complicated feelings. Maybe it could be a well-thought-out, composed-by-the-national/international GLO letter: I have no idea. It's just been my experience that people take their family members pretty personally and reaching out to a member after you cut her daughter or sister might be a gesture of good will.

I also don't think recruitment party lists or invite lists are the kind of thing that we should worry about keeping tightly within the bounds of privacy. I don't mean that we should post them publicly (although I think bid day new member lists being publicly available are fine), but that calling a girl's mother, grandmother, or sister to tell them the name of one PNM who isn't invited back, isn't a big privacy violation. From my perspective, the call doesn't have that much to do with the PNM anyway; it's all about the relationship with the alumna.

Again, I'm not saying that groups should have to take legacies if they don't want them. Other than sending a recommendation or legacy notification, I don't think the alumna should try to influence MS. But once the chapter has made the decision, notifying her isn't too much to ask, IMO.