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Is there a nice way to....
my daughter had been invited to go bowling with a group of friends, but the day of the event had to decline because she felt ill. a few days later, she ran into several of the guys who did go bowling and apologized to them for having to cancel. she asked them to give her a call the next time they go bowling and they said they would. as she was going on her way, one of the guys says,"hey, maybe we can grab a coffee sometime", and she said sure. then she realized that he meant coffee for just the two of them, not the other kids and it took her by surprise. she likes this guy as a friend, and only a friend. she would be happy to grab a coffee with him as a friend, but he meant it as a date.
the question is: does anyone have a nice way to say "i like you as a friend, but i am not interested in a dating relationship with you"? she and i had a discussion about this, and neither of us could come up with a gentle, kind way to say that. i have asked several friends and none of them had an answer either. anyone? |
What is wrong with telling the guy that she's not interested in dating him? Sometimes direct, honest communication is your best bet if you want to clearly communicate your feelings.
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She could say that she just doesn't have enough time to dedicate to an actual dating relationship right now in between the sorority (I'm assuming this is the zeta daughter :)), schoolwork etc. and that if she was to pursue a relationship with anyone she would want to make sure that she had enough of herself to give.
Something like that-only problem is if she meets another guy she really likes two weeks later and suddenly has the time :P Also Kevin is right...it may hurt at first but being direct is seriously the way to go. No crossed lines or miscommunication. |
Honestly - I would tell her to go with the assumption that it's as friends (define that by her paying for her own coffee). If it comes up, she can say that she thought they were going for coffee as friends, and if it doesn't come up, she can say as she's leaving "It's been great hanging out, I'm glad we're friends". Cheesy - but it gets the point across.
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Tell you daughter to say something like
"Man I bet Jane and Jill would love to get a mocha late', when do you want us to go?" If he persist she shold tell him in a joking, but serious way... "Joe...you know I see you as a cousin" or Tell her to retract her offer, and that she dosen't want to date him. I am having a hard time putting it in kid terms, because I am quite blunt (always have been), so I've never had any confusion in the i'm-your-guy-friend-but-i-want-to-date-you department. My mom was always the nice one....me...I am like my grandmother:cool:! ETA. I didn't mean to put kid terms, without asking how old your daughter is. sorry. |
The only thing that would be bad about that is if the guy is honestly just being friendly.
Then he might be insulted that she assumed that he was hitting on her. Quote:
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I think the best plan is like AlphaFrog said, to go assuming its as friends (because he didn't explicitly say otherwise) and pay for her own coffee, etc. If it gets brought up as a date, then she could say that she likes him as a friend, but just that. Honesty works best...that way there can't be any hurt feelings later down the road, like if she does start dating someone else after making up an excuse to this guy.
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I have an easier answer. Don't go :)
Just don't go as an event. I mean grab a cup of coffee in the cafeteria or whatever, but not like a meeting. Only girls would stress about this anyway lol :p |
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I wouldn't go. Some guys get the wrong impression. It happened to me. I started a thread on it a while back, needing some advice. I wasn't attracted to the guy, but I agreed to go out with him but only as friends. Well, to make a long story short, he kept calling me and making unexpected visits. I felt bad, but I had to tell him that I didn't like him the way he liked me. I wouldn't do it again. She should just say no thanks. It just eliminates a lot of potential problems.
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I'd go as friends and pay my own way.
If he asks me out again and it seems like an obvious date, I would then say "no thanks". If asked why, I would say "I do not think we are a good match for each other" or some other objective excuse that does not make him feel bad in any way. |
I think most guys would be bothered by "I do not think we are a good match for each other" because it opens up a conversation as to what makes them not a good match!
Your daughter should go have coffee with him, pay for her own & keep it as "friend-like" as possible. |
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There are a few of us who have posted on this thread who are married or otherwise in successful relationships. Then you have those who are posting who meet people on the internet and/or constantly whine about their love life (or lack thereof) on GC. Whose advice do you think she should take?
It's like Rob said about the bumperstickers, for some people, giving advice about D&R is just useless. |
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:rolleyes: What's left to say on the topic? She goes as friends or she cancels. There's not many more options.
P.S. Jock16 - no one's going to take you seriously when every other word is "fuck". If you have to be vulgar to get your point across, you're not very creative, are you? |
Try those six little words:
"I'm not gay, but I'll learn." |
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Just let it be, no one cares. |
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*sighing and massaging my temples*
FSUZeta: Tell your daughter that she should either go and make it clear that they are just friends (which will be slightly uncomfortable, but worth it) or just don't go (which will be less uncomfortable, but opens her up to him asking her out again). The choice is up to her and we know she'll do what's best for her. Be sure to let us know how it all works out. Have a great day--I hope we helped. :cool: |
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This is a toughie...If she blurts out that it's a friends only thing, it could be that it is a friends thing, and then she would feel silly. He could turn out to be one of her best friends ever. All I can think of is that my mother always told me to be nice to these boys because you may end up sitting opposite them in that big job interview years down the road. It happened to her and her boss turned out to be a dear friend and helped her to become one of Sears first lady execs. years later..I told a guy that I was so nervous being around him that I statred to get a stomache...not so cool...His sister was pres of our sorority at the time and his uncle ended up being one of my professors later on in a very hard course...dang...When he whipped out his guitar and sang a song he had written for me and I had nowhere to look, I was over it. You always want the nice guy and then when you get him, it freeks you out. (I would go with being still in love with an old beau) |
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thanks to all those who replied. i forgot i had asked the question!!:p
to the gcer who asked, my daughter is finishing her freshman year of college. centaur, you've got the right daughter(i only have one) my daughter is pretty savvy and i think that she will figure out the appropriate way to deal with this potential sticky situation. she is not dreaming that he meant his invitation as a date-he has had a crush on her since school started. i just wondered if anyone had ever come up with the definative answer-i guess there is not one. |
i had this happen once. while we were at dinner i said "you know, i'm so glad i have friends like you that i can hang out with." it worked! turns out he did have a thing for me but my statement to him was so genuine and nice, we are still friends to this day.
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Be careful with saying "thank you for being such a good friend". If the person is obsessed with you and unhealthy, it can and will be misinterpreted. Most people will get the hint- especially when said as "we work so great as friends" or the sort. But some won't.
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This is just a general observation on your posts, but you seem to have really bad luck in meeting people.
You seem to consistantly meet the bottom feeders among the population. You need to totally change your circle of acquaintances. Raise the quality of your friends. Lose the friends you have now. Quote:
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ITA. I am in a happy marriage, but have been out of the 'pool' long enough that I would be kind of lost if I had to get back in. :eek: I agree with PP that she should she go, (after all, it's only coffee) and if she senses any vibes, she could very kindly let him know how glad she is to have a friend like him. It isn't leading him on, since she really doesn't know his true intentions anyway. And if he is interested in more and is disappointed, that is sad, but at least she will have done the honest and kind thing. (BTW, that's how I met my husband, and ended up falling in love with him anyway!;) ) |
Well the point is that she already agreed: so all she can do is to go, pay for herself and mention how good friends they are :)
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James- well, that was ONE case a very long time ago what I am referring to. Most other people I have met have been fine per se and respectful. I am just highlighting that case in order to make a point.
You are right in that everyone needs to keep his or her standards high. Lowering them just to have somebody is NOT worth it. |
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