How do you trust someone?
 

I met this guy on plentyoffish.com. He was awesome and we really clicked. He kept insisting that I come over and meet him alone instead of in public. So after a few days going back and forth, he got weirder. He told me we wouldn't meet because I wouldn't do it his way. A friend and I were driving around and happened to be by his house and he got mad that I tried to stop by with her (which I didn't) and told me to never do that again. I decided to do a little stalking and got his zip code and looked him up on the sex offender list. Yep. There he was. For statutory rape... but still it explains his behavior.

Does anyone else do this kind of stuff when meeting someone new?

What kind of stuff?

Investigative stuff. Some would call it "stalking". But with something like this I see it as playing it safe.

Googling someone (or zabasearching, or looking into your state's public records) is NOT stalking. Driving by someone's house is NOT stalking.

Now purchasing the records of a person through Intelius, or showing up at places the person frequents (like a gym or a bank), or worse- places that the person does NOT go to on a scheduled basis (like the movies or the mall), could be stalking indeed.

When I read your posts in this forum, I think of those pamphlets they have in the University Health Center.

A few things:

1) that is scary as hell. I would never ever meet a guy I didn't know at his house alone.

2) I think it would actually take me a long time for me to be comfortable with him alone... i'm talking group dates, outings etc. until I feel safe. I am very scared for my personal safety and don't know this person.

3) I do not think that looking up a person's criminal record is stalking. That's being proactive. Personally, I would venture to say I would likely do it on any random guy I met. I would be more than happy if a guy wanted to look up my criminal record, because I have nothing to hide.

4) It's stories like this that keep me single... haha.

That's pretty creepy. Stay far away from this guy.

It's always best, if you're meeting someone you don't really know, to do so in a public place. Going to their house alone is just asking for trouble. An email exchange tells you nothing. "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."

It's not wrong or stalkerish to do a little googling or look up someone on the sex offender list.

Someone I dated 5 years ago wanted for the SECOND date to come to my apartment to watch a movie. I told him I did not feel comfortable at that stage with his coming to my place. I do not know if he may have thought I had roommates (I lived alone- and still do though in a different city and with multiple pets). But I find it kind of unusual as to why would he want such a specific plan at that point. If he wanted to have sex with me (unlikely, since he was very Christian and we did not even kiss on the first date), that could take place at a hotel room (not that I was going to let it happen anyway). So I am wondering if he just wanted to see what kind of housekeeper and possibly cook I was. At that point in life I was not in the settling down mode he was- and he did marry someone else about a year and a half later.

I personally do not meet people off of the internet, but whatever floats your boat.

I bolded the above for a reason.....leave him the hell alone!! If you can not meet him on public or bring friends around you should be afraid!!

Honestly, if I saw that a guy was on the sex offender list, I would not have to start a thread wondering if I could trust him. Stay away. There are plenty of guys out there. You don't need to get involved with a sex offender.

Well statutory could mean that he was 18 and she was 14. Think Seniors in high school dating freshmen.

So it really depends. Originally, sex offender laws were not meant to cover people like that . . but they do.

This one guy got sentenced to 8 years in prison for having a girlfriend that was 4 years and 10 days younger than him . . senior and freshman again. It was the ten days that did him in.

The thing about how he insisted on meeting alone instead of in public (and made you come to him) as well as the part where he got mad because you wouldn't do things his way raised red flags for me even before I read that you found out he was on the sex offender list. Several years ago I briefly dated a gentleman who acted very similarly and he ended up being emotionally manipulative which escalated into nearly physical violence (I say 'nearly physical' because I at least had the sense to get out--quick!), so every time I hear friends say things like that about new guys they're seeing, I tell them to be careful. And just as an aside, this particular gentleman was accused of raping a girl at college.

I'm sort of wary about meeting people online, but I know plenty of people who have done it and they've met really cool people that way. I guess it's sort of like meeting people in bars (except you can't actually see them)...it seems kind of skeezy because there are probably plenty of shady people, but also some nice folks, too.

And no, PM_Mama, I don't think what you did was weird. I think it was being smart. You never know.

I wasn't asking how I trust him.... just how do you trust people at all. Any new person you, without having some kind of connection to them, could be anyone. So how to you try to trust people you JUST met?


I have a friend from high school like this. They were I think 3 or 4 years apart and her parents found out they had sex and charged him with statutory. He did quite a long time and it was all over our neighborhood news.

ETA: I asked the website what their policy on sex offenders are and they said they remove their profiles immediately, so obviously I reported him. So he doesn't find out it was me, I'm playing how to lose a guy in 10 minutes with him. I'm gona pretend to be the psycho.

I think Auchtungbaby is right about red flags other than the stautory situation.

Not wanting to meet in public is an odd guy. As a male I would want to meet a girl I had no previously established relationship with in public, easier to escape that way.

I mean if you had been talking to this guy forever, I can see that you might be more willing to meet up with him in private, but still, once you suggested a public venue he should have fallen right in line.

Plus he got mad about it. Why would he get mad? You weren't rejecting him. Would he have gotten mad if you suggested a diferent movie? Or different restaraunt? Same type of thing in my mind.

I'm glad you picked up on the red flags before meeting this guy. Stick to your rules and if you ever have any doubts, then don't meet him.

You should come over sometime this summer and meet my next door neighbor's son.. mechanical engineer, Italian, cute (in a "boy next door" kinda way) nice guy (mows my lawn sometimes and helps me with household emergencies sometimes), and I think a year or two older than you!

James were you the guy?

-Rudey

That's just it. You don't need to trust people who you have just met. People need to earn your trust. And we (especially women) need to protect ourselves when getting involved with different people. Pay attention to all of these red flags this guy is giving you. People like this should not have our trust. Forget the sex offender stuff. Just look at the way he is already trying to control you by saying how you guys should meet. I can already sense things are going to get worse if you continue with him. When it comes to internet dating, I think guys and girls should take proactive steps in learning about the person so that you are comfortable. If people cannot respect that, then screw them. You can find someone better.

Is this the same boy who made a snowman on your lawn that one time? Lol I probably know him. Could you PM me his name? Lol I hope it's not a relative! I've found that Italian boys like skinny girls though. Who knows?

Definitely done with him. He creeped me out at first but I thought "hmm maybe it's just me". But yeah... def gone.

I think that's true for dating anyone. When I met the current Mr. Munch (in real life), he gave me his business card--and of course before I accepted the first date, I did a small bit of reconaissance to make sure that his story lined up. Unless I know a guy through friends, I always do a little research to make sure he doesn't have kids and a wife, or a criminal record, before accepting a date. It might be unromantic, but I'm alive.

So true.

No this guy, I think, has a penis. James is still trying to find his.

My best friend had a friend set her up with one of her co-workers and he turned out to be married. Nobody at his WORK even knew he was married. Too weird.

I think it was his brother who did the snowman thing, he's a few years younger and a bit more wild. I PMd you though.

It's your fault.

;)

Stories like this should keep you from meeting men off of websites and nothing more.

I see nothing wrong with Googling a man's name and driving separate cars when you go out until you feel comfortable with each other. I don't let a man see where I live or go to his house until I know his background. This includes whether he has a criminal record (I don't date men with criminal records), his family, education, and career. I pretty much am trying to figure out if he has as much at stake as I do. Meaning, I don't do drama because I have too much to lose. I date men who have as much if not more to lose from drama as I do. Therefore, no drama. :D

Anything beyond that, in my opinion, is doing too much.

Hmmm so then what about girls who get hooked up with someone and they turn out to be a rapist or woman beater or something. It can happen anywhere.

Yeah and with you it happened from a website dude.

The perceived "anonymity" of the internet increases the chances of dating mishaps and other crazy stuff. Meet your guys in-person and begin the screening process from there.

You really can't trust right away. I work with a lady who's husband left her for another woman after being married for over 30 years. A much younger woman too. I guess you have to just take chances, ya know.

If you ever meet a guy again rather it be on the net or in person, if he does anything that you find wierd, leave him alone right away.

DSTCHAOS, I pretty much share your sentiments.

I don't see anything wrong with people meeeting other people off of the internet, but I sure as hell am not going to do it.

/hijack
I have met 3 men since I was of legal age from an internet dating sites...the first was a great guy who eventually came from NY to visit but the distance kinda faded things..the second was lame but a really nice guy and we are still friends...the third I met and we dated for several months...my thing is respecting your own comfort zone...I always meet dates out in public and they only get the work cell at first...I drive mysef and if he's crazy then he doesn't really know much about me...but I'm a talker so in my case we had talked on the phone/emailed for a while until I felt comfortable...I personally think that there are psychos in the club, on the net, at the market, etc so the internet isn't different from any other setting...I actually like the fact that on the internet at first at least a man has to be able to type, spell, and use the king's english correctly.I still have the same requirements that I have with a man I met elsewhere,...ie eduacation, no more than 1 child if any, a sense of spirituality, etc..from there it's the phone conversations...I don't know I was kinda adventurous/crazy in my younger years...now I'm a mommy and its all different...kinda...:p :D

^^^ Oh, I agree that there are crazy people everywhere!!! I am just more of a skeptic about the internet. I don't frequent clubs, but I got cussed out about a month ago for not giving a guy my number. I was being nice about it, but he was not hearing it.

/end hijack

Nothing wrong with investigating. I used to work in a security office, so I run "mini background checks" on people all the time.

I've met 2 guys on the net. The first one kept insisting that I meet him in private instead of public. He wasn't forceful, but it was still weird. It turns out sex wasn't the only reason for that--he was engaged and didn't want to risk being seen in public by his fiance or one of her friends:rolleyes:.

The second said he used to be some hot shot football player in college, so I Googled him before agreeing to meet him. He was everything he said he was and things are great:D.

I've been called a dyke several times for passing up guys. Another girl at my school walked past a guy without speaking when he catcalled her and he pulled a gun on her :eek:

He came clean today about everything, and I confessed that I found him on there. He has no clue that that's why I was being a psycho. He told me the reason he was trying to get me to come over alone was because he knew I wouldn't and wanted to scare me away because of his situation. He said he just looks for girls to talk to online, not to meet in person or anything.

His situation? He was 18 and met a girl online. They would go to 18 and up clubs and stuff. He broke up with her and one day he got a phone call from the cops. Apparently she was 15 but had a fake ID. Instead of going to jail for 15 years, he pled some other plea that I forget. I'm going to look into it with the state police. If he really is telling the truth, he's actually a pretty cool guy, and I wouldn't want to miss the chance of getting to know him.

Why didn't he just say he didn't want to take it to the next level? Or say he didn't want to meet you, just wanted to stay pen-pals so to speak.

That seems easier than trying to terrify you.

Who does that?

Maybe if you think he is a cool guy you should just keep chatting online and leave the meeting alone.

You can get to know him fine just by chatting.

If all he wanted was to keep it online, he should have just said that outright. Seriously, something is not right in his head. I really wouldn't bother with him.

This guy sounds really creepy! I would stay far, far away from him, including on the internet. It doesn't seem wise to continue this whole "online pen-pal" thing anymore.

That's really lame. It sounds like he's just trying to backpedal after you wouldn't agree to meet him alone...you know, like, "Oh, I didn't really want you to come over to my house alone--I was just saying that! Ha ha ha..."

I think this is standard and safe dating behavior - I was introduced to my boyfriend through mutual friends and I still asked them if he was for real, what his deal was, etc. It's always better to be safe.

PM_Mama, this guy sounds really sketchy and like one of my future clients. I'd stay away. Most guys who have a statutory rape for something like that are much more up front about it.