Dating advice
 

I need some serious advice. I'm sure some of you have been in my shoes. A classmate of mine told me there was this guy who had seen me on campus and wanted to meet me, but I didn't know what this guy looked like. She said he was really sweet, so I asked her to describe him and when she did, it didn't ring a bell. She wanted to know if it was o.k. to give him my number. I asked her why can't he ask me for it, and she told me he's really shy, so I thought about it for a minute and then I told her to give it to him. Well, he called me and he sounded really cute on the phone, and we had so much in common. We talked for hours. We set up a time to meet each other, and when I saw him, I was so not attracted to him. He's a big guy, and he has a lot of facial hair with pitts in his face. He looked kinda rough. Some girls would have thought he looked hot, but I like clean cut, clear face guys, plus I don't like really big guys like that. I was very disappointed. Now he keeps calling me and wanting to study together, and I don't want to be mean to him, but I feel kind of sorry for him. He was telling me all the fraternities he took interest in rejected him. How sad. Then he put me on the spot and told me he found me very attractive. I thanked him and changed the subject. He got back on the subject and asked me what I thought about him. I told him I thought he was nice. Then he asked me if I see him like he sees me. I told him no, but he keeps calling me. My sorority sisters find it funny and whenever he comes over they let him in, even when I tell them to tell him I'm not here. I don't know how to tell him I don't find him attractive I've never been in this kind of situation before, I would feel so bad if I hurt his feelings. Any advice?

Lie.

There is no good way to tell someone you don't like them.

There are only bad ways to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.

So just tell him you have been chatting with some guy you are interested in or something . . . and if it comes up, say you thought you two were friends.

Not that you just want to be friends, but you thought you two already were.

Its a little bold of him to be visiting you out of the blue at your sorority house based on a couple phone conversations . . . did you guys hang out a few times or something?

And when you say big, do you mean muscular (athlete bodybuilder) or overweight?

Well, I made a boo boo on the phone before I met him. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told him, I just recently broke up with my X. I was telling him stuff like good guys are hard to find and most guys are pigs, stupid stuff like that. I wasn't thinking straight. I'll take your advice and tell him I thought we were just friends and hopefully he'll get the idea. I just don't want him to call me anymore nor do I want him hanging out in my room with me. Whenever I see him he tries to hug me, and that really bothers me.

I only went out with him once, and then we studied in the library once. Since then, whenever he would call me and ask me out or to study with him, I would make excuses of why I couldn't. Then one night he just showed up at our house. I thought that was really bold too. He's been over here more than once. The 1st time, my sisters let him in not knowing that I even went out with him. After he left, they asked me about him and I told them I wasn't attracted to him. Since then, they tease me about him and let him in every time he comes over. He already knew what sorority I'm in. I'm sure he saw me with my sorority on campus. We're together a lot. Plus I'm a cheerleader and I'm sure he's seen me at games and stuff. Kinda scary to know that he had been watching me all that time, and I had no clue. I tried asking some of my sorority sisters if they were attracted to him, thinking maybe one of them would go out with him instead of me. None of them find him attractive, plus most of them have boyfriends.

No, he's not overweight. He's like really muscular and big. I don't really like big athletic guys. I like cute guys with nice bodies and all, but not muscular like him. I like smaller guys. I guess a nice bod for me is not a nice bod for most women.:p

I just want the phone calls to stop, I want the visits to stop, I want the calling my name across campus when he see's me to stop. Help.:(

Thanks for your advice.

He does not sound like my type either. And it seems like we share the same type in guys.

You gave him a chance. Do not go out with him because you feel sorry for him- or even because you just want someone even if there is nothing wrong with him.

Just let him know that you want to be just friends. In a polite way, of course. He sounds decent and like he would understand- so no need to be blunt, much less rude.

Tell him you're not interested, period. Don't take his calls. Tell your sorority sisters it's not funny to let him in the house when you don't want to see him. Cut that shit off now or it's not going to stop -- and what's worse, feeling bad about hurting his feelings or dealing with him following you around for who knows how long? Until you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested, he's going to keep trying.

Also, in the future, if a guy is too much of a pussy to ask you for your number, don't tell anybody it's okay to give it to him.

Cheerful,

Sweetheart, if you like the guy generally as a friend, you can tell him that.

Otherwise do whatever you wish.

But it seems like you had a decent conversation on the phone.

I dated a guy like this and I told him straight up why I was repelled by him. Can you believe he lost weight just because I said he was obese! :eek: Also, the next time I saw him, he was very handsome and very thin. Too bad I screwed that relationship up, he was a millionare...

Thanks for the advice everyone. Actually I couldn't wait to get on here to tell you guys what happend. Well, he came by again, about 3 hours ago. He just left:rolleyes: . We studied, and that's all. He tried to hug me again, and that's when I told him I wanted to talk to him. I told him I like him as a friend only. I told him I don't see him for anything more. I felt bad at 1st because I knew he was disappointed. He said well, since we're friends can I still study with you? I didn't know what to say at that point. I really wanted to tell him no, but I thought that would be so wrong. I don't throw away friends, so I told him I didn't have a problem with us studying together, but I'd rather study in the library, but not here.

About 10 minutes into studying he asked me what I didn't like about him. I looked around trying to think of how to tell him without hurting his feelings. At 1st I told him he wasn't my type. I was really trying to avoid the question. He's really aggressive. He asked why he wasn't my type. I told him I wasn't physically attracted to him. He asked me if he was greek would I like him better. I was like what?:confused: :confused: . I said that physically he's not my type, that's all. He sounded o.k. by that at 1st but then things started to change. He asked me about my X. He asked me is he in a fraternity. I told him yes, but that's not why I was with him. He asked me why I broke up with him. I told him because he was a jerk. He said, that he's not a jerk so isn't inner beauty more important. I told him I know you're not a jerk but I want both, and I'm not into big muscular guys.

We took a break and I told him I was going to get something to eat. I offered him something, and he said no thanks. O.K. I went downstairs to the fridge and he followed me to the kitchen. I thought that was so bizarre:confused: . He started telling me he loved my eyes and whoever ends up with me will be so lucky. Stuff like that. Well, at that point I told him I was tired and I was going to bed. That was about 30 minutes ago. Well I'm still up:rolleyes: . I had to lie to get him to leave. I walked him to the door, and then he says "I'll call you tomorrow.":( Ya know he just doesn't get it. I DON'T LIKE HIM LIKE THAT! He won't give up! This is so aggravating! He's called me everyday since we met. I love talking to him, he's so sweet, but I'm going to have to tell him this whole friendship thing is not what I planned. I wake up every morning now, thinking of how to avoid him. I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you. You guys are great! :p

Since you're from the "crib", I'll go ahead and give my 2 cents.:rolleyes:

This sounds like a serious problem to me. I really don't think the male female friendship thing works at all. Someone is always attracted to the other person. If you end up with someone else, I'll betcha he'll get jealous. I know you were being nice to the guy, but you put yourself in a bad position by studying with him and talking to him on the phone. Even if he is a nice guy, if you're not attracted to him, and you know he's attracted to you, all that's going to do is cause more problems. Trust me, this joker isn't done with you. He's not going to give up. You said he's aggressive too. See, he probably thinks you're easy going and very nice, so therefore he's thinking "Oh she'll eventually give in once she sees that good guys are hard to find." Once you meet "prince charming" that dude is going to get jealous and try to mess things up for you. I hope none of this happens, but I think it will. I mean I hope you find "prince charming" but I hope your "friend" doens't mess you up. It's up to you, but it's just a little advice.

I hope this helps.

thought this site is pretty good:

Iyanla Vanzant

I don't understand how I put myself in a bad situation. I was just being nice, because he's a sweet person. I don't think he would be the jealous type. You sound like you've been in a similar situation. Have you? Why don't you think men and women can be friends?

CG, here's the deal. You are in a bad situation. Here's why. O.K. this guy is physically attracted to you and based on your post he has been for quite some time without you even knowing it. This guy is just happy being around you. He figures that if he can't have you as his girl then he will settle for friendship as long as he is around you. At the same time, he's not going to want any other men around you either. I could be wrong and maybe he isn't the jealous type, but he came to your sorority house too? This joker is very aggressive. Now, lets say he shows up one day and you have a guy over you really like a lot. Uh oh. What do you think the outcome of that will be? Not good.

I've never been in a situation like yours because as soon as I get the feeling women start showing interest, I end the friendship, of course unless I like her:D . If they don't show interest then that's cool:) . I have never been able to have a woman as just a friend. They've always wanted more and that's why I don't think women and men can be friends. I'm sure there are some rare cases, but it has never happend for me.

As for you, this doesn't look good. You really need to tell your sorority sisters to stop messin' with this one. I'm going to bed. Good luck homie.:p

You've never had a female friend without them thinking you're cute? Oh, please. If this is true, then you must be really, really cute.:rolleyes: Just because they think you're cute, doesn't mean they want to jump your bones.

I hope you're wrong about all of this. Great advice but I really do hope you're wrong. I guess I'm a little worried now, because you're starting to make some sense out of all of this.

You're going to bed?! Awwww man.:( Just when the conversation was getting good.:p O.K. thank you PrettyBoy.

Pretty Boy- while it often happens that one (usually the less physically attractive of the two) ends up liking the other, this is not always true 100% of the time. I can assure you that Jacques and I were just friends. His girlfriend Melanie even saw us interact and could tell from our body language (or lack of it) that we saw each other only as friends- that we thought of each other as big brother and little sister.

Cheerfulgreek- with some people you can be nice. But with others, you have to be direct. And with others, you have to be blunt bordering on rude because they will NOT take the hint no matter how many times you say NO. No matter how many times you hint at what your type is- or even tell the person that he or she is not your type- they will NOT understand that you want to be JUST FRIENDS. What he's doing is bordering on stalking. You need to have a serious talk with him- and if he keeps pursuing, it may be time to break off things for good.

And you are right about the fact that there is a difference between "finding someone to be attractive" and "being attracted to a person". With the last guy I dated the first one was definitely true, but the second one did not follow.

I backup what valkyrie says.
Do not tell him, "I just want to be friends", because from what I am reading, I don't think you want to be friends with him at all. It sounds like you want him out of your life entirely. You need to be strong and firm (but not rude), and tell him that you are not interested. If you do not try to put a stop to this now, it could (potentially) lead to much worse, stalker problems later (and if you don't think you can do this on your own, please do seek out help from others who have expertise in this area).

If you aren't sure as to how to be assertive (without being aggressive), seek out the counselling services on campus. I'm sure that this is a situation that the counselling service is well familiar with, and they should be able to coach you on things to say to him; things that are firm and direct, but are not aggressive and will not "insult" him.

You also need to get your sorority sisters to stop allowing him into the house. If you cannot get your sisters to comply with your wishes (and out of respect for you, they should because he is making you uncomfortable) then you will need to enlist the help of the House Mother (if there is one) or Campus Security. Your house is meant to be a place of safety and sanctity. Your sisters might think that this is "funny" to
a) get a laugh at his expense and
b) get a laugh over your discomfort
but it is not a funny situation whatsoever. It makes you creeped out and uncomfortable.
If any other developments happen, please tell us. Good luck and God Bless.

While I don't agree that men and women can't be friends, I will say that once someone likes you as more than a friend then there is no going back. This person sounds as if his feelings for you are mixed up with his wanting to be greek, i.e. "if I was greek then she would want me". I think you need to just be firm with him and tell him that its not a good idea to talk to him anymore and then don't answer. Cut him off completely and let your sisters know what you are doing in hopes that they will support your decision.

Let me also say that your sisters were kind of wrong for letting some random strange guy in your house after you told them that you didn't want him there. You need to check them as well!!!

You can be nice but in this case nice is going to lead to harassment down the road and for your safety I don't want this situation to get out of hand! Best of Luck CG!

Cheerful, I was reading your story and it sent chills up my spine because I've been in the same situation before. Someone I knew and trusted gave this guy my number without asking me, and we talked a lot and I thought that he knew we were just "friends." This guy flipped out when I started dating someone else, and ended up causing me some trouble towards the end of my junior year in high school.

Just remember to be careful, because you never know what he will do.

Ok guys.

Before we take him out back and shoot him lol. Lets reflect that he hasn't done anything wrong yet.

And lets try not to project too much of our own baggage on to this . . and scare the hell out of cheerfulgreek :)

Keep in mind that they spoke for hours on the phone . . daily for a while. A comment of "I love talking to him, he is so sweet" is not indicative that he is insane and and shortly going to burry her under his dorm room.

So it sounds like he was infatuated with her before, spent hours talking to her, and thought the time they spent together meant she liked him.

He may need a little while to unwind from that.

Well, he isn't completely faultless..... he is hugging her (or trying to.....) and she doesn't want him to. In a word, eww.

True. She just needs to set some boundaries. Or perhaps even completely nix him. Nixing him sounding better and better. :)

Agreed. And also, setting boundaries and being assertive is a learned skill, and I think the counselling services on campus, etc. would be a valuable tool for that.

It is possible to go back. I was able to get over my first love, who happened to be my good guy friend. He did have to set some boundaries- but I did take no for an answer and eventually got over him (and my depression). I never stalked him. I never threatened him. I never harassed him. Those bad things had happened to me before from someone who would not take NO for an answer and who had become abusive in addition to stalking me.

While this fellow sounds kind, I do worry that he may get abusive and harassing and become a stalker. There have been some guys who have been able to deal with our being just friends even if they liked me- hey, the last guy I dated is one of them. Others can't- like the convenient guy from sophomore year, whom I did not even have to tell that I did not feel the same way for him to realize it and end a friendship of 7 months.

Wait, what? Do you even read the thread, or just respond with whatever corner case happened to you as an 'illustrative example' of . . . well, I have no idea what of . . .

You do worry . . .then give examples of the exact opposite? Holy Jesus - guys, seriously.

It sucks, but you have to be able to step up and force the issue - you have all the power in this situation, which is why you feel awkward when he does things like "go for a hug" . . . in fact, even in the worst-case scenario ("stalker"), the whole point is trying to take back power.

Be clear, concise, and point out that this is really what you want ("This is what I want" is a VERY powerful term for those who are still attached). If he's hurt, don't back down or half-ass it. Do not compromise. Put yourself in a smart position when you do it, in the unlikely case that problems arise. Stop studying with him if you're not serious about hanging out.

Life is not a Rubik's Cube, dudes.

Why, RC, are you trying to say that those who are self-admittedly bad at relationships, and have several threads about their own relationship problems, shouldn't give relationship advice??

That my friend, is the quote of the week.

ETA: Thats not a swipe at Ms. Scandia, just appreciation for a good turn of phrase.

After reading all of these post, I'm a little freaked out right now. I think you guys are the best, and I appreciate your concerns. You guys are right, I should stop being so nice to people. It's going to be hard because this is the person I am. I think I may have the same problem with men I don't like, that PrettyBoy has with women he doesn't like. He may be right. Maybe men and women can't be friends. Guys always seem to want more from me. I met my X this way too. We started off as friends and I would have kept it that way, even though I thought he was cute, but he told me he liked me for more than a friend. I thought that since we were both greek that we would have a lot in common, well, he turned out to be a jerk. He was really mean to me, he would drink a lot and acted like he didn't care about me. So I broke up with him. Well now he wants to get back with me, and this new guy keeps coming over and calling me. I don't want neither one of them. I just REALLY want to be alone right now!

This new guy is really nice but very unattractive. He has a lot of bumps on his face and stuff. He does't shave very often either. I'm not attracted to guys like this. My sorority sisters have been calling him pizza face and crazy 8 face, and then they laugh. That's mean! I did tell them not to let him in anymore, and they said they wouldn't, but he hasn't been by since the last time he was over here. He wrote this letter to me. The other day he did come by but I wasn't there, so he left the letter and a rose on the door. I have the note right here. I'll type it. Here's what it says:

Dear (my real name): The past few weeks I've had a wonderful time with you. You are the nicest girl I've ever met, and by far the most attractive that I've ever seen. I find you very attractive now, and I'm sure I always will. Unfortunately, you don't feel the same way about me, and I understand, because most women don't (smilely face). I hope we can continue to be close friends though. I don't have a lot of friends here, and that was my primary reason for trying to join a fraternity, but that didn't work out. You are the only person who talks to me and laughs with me. I don't make friends very easily. I'm new here so maybe eventually I will get more friends. I really enjoy coming over your house to visit. You make me feel at home, but sometimes I get the feeling you don't want me around. Everytime I come over you look uneasy and uncomfortable. Do I make you feel this way? If I do, let me know and I will never bother you again. The last thing I want is to hurt you in anyway. I left the yellow rose with this letter because I think yellow means friendship, which is what we are. Are we? I'll call you tonight, and again if you don't want me to come around anymore, please let me know and I won't. If you do decide you don't want to see me anymore, I would hope we can at least talk in passing. O.K. take care and we'll talk tonight.

Sincerely
Your friend
Paul.

He hasn't called yet, but I know he will. I'm going to have to tell him how I feel. I hate to hurt him, but now I'm afraid of this situation. I'll keep you posted on my little soap opera:o .

You definitely need to be direct, as hard as that is. It seems like he's bracing himself for it so he's not totally oblivious. I would tell him that you agree with what he said in his letter and that you'd really like to back off the friendship and only talk in passing as he suggested.

one word: PSYCHO.

At least he has an idea of what's going on. Just be honest with him, and hopefully everything will be ok :o Keep us updated:)

try telling him(and your ex) that you just need some time for yourself; right now you are not looking for (nor do you want)a relationship.

"paul" mentions that he has few friends. is he involved in any activities besides stalking you? suggest to "paul" that he join a club at school-go so far as to find some that might interest him,including contact information and share that info with him. maybe helping him find a hobby/interest will help him fill his days.

We talked. But not on the phone. I started telling him when he called me and as I was, he said he wanted to come over. I told him no, but he showed up anyway. I didn't let him in, so we sat outside on the steps. It was cold outside so he put his jacket around me, I wanted so much to take it off, but I was really cold. I told him that I didn't really know how to say this but I let him know that I didn't think it was a good idea that we see each other again. He asked me why. I told him you said it yourself in the letter you wrote me that if I wanted to break off our friendship that you would be o.k. with it. He didn't say anything. He just took a deep breath with a very disappointed look on his face. I gave the rose back to him too. He said what am I going to do with this? I told him I didn't want to keep anything he gave me. This was so hard telling him this, because I really felt like I was throwing away a friend. He didn't seem like a stalker. I just think he's lonely. He has hobbies, but he's not involved in any school activities. He wants to be greek but they don't want him. He asked me what was it about him that I'm not physically attracted to. I told him that it's not important. He shook his head in disbelief, smiled and said o.k. I won't bother you again. For the 1st time he didn't try hugging me, he shook my hand. I gave him his jacket back and then he left. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The only thing I worry about now is we both go to this popular coffee shop, that pretty much everybody knows about. There's only one, it's not a coffee chain, so it's not like I can go to another one. It's a small hole in the wall owned by one person. I've been going there for a long time now, but I may not go anymore. He might be there. He's been there just about everytime I would go, and everytime I've gone in there he would make it a point to sit with me. I never had a problem with it until now. I wanted to go today, but I thought he might be there. This really sucks. I love that place so much. Well anyway, I felt so bad for breaking our friendship off that I cried myself to sleep. I don't think he's psycho, my X is more of the psycho. I thought I would have the same problems tonight, but for the 1st time he didn't call nor did he come over. I think he got the message. As far as my X, yes he still wants to get back together, but I'm not. He only wants to get back with me whenever he wants something from me. He doesn't come around at all. I just saw him in passing and we started talking and he mentioned it. He does this all the time, only when he wants something. He's a drunk.

Thank you so much for all of your help on this guys. This site is the best, and so are you guys. You guys have been so supportive.:p If anything else happens I'll tell you guys.

I know some of you didn't agree with me on the girl/guy friend thing. Ya know, in some very rare cases this can happen, I did mention that earlier. For some of you this may work, I've just never been very successful at it. As for you CG I think you did the right thing. Who knows what would have happend if you didn't. You must really liked this guy if you cried yourself to sleep over it.

As far as going to the coffee shop, if you stop going then that's just control right there. Now that I think about it I probably wouldn't go either. I think I would feel uncomfortable too. I'm laughing at the coffee shop you're talking about.:p I know exactly which one you guys go to. That's my place too. Is it on the corner of Western and Selby Ave?

Yesssss!!!! OMG!!! You go there too? LOL. Ninas?

LOL. Yes, it's way too small. I like the old furniture that's in there. If you go in there a lot, then we've probably run across each other. When was the last time you went? This is a small world.

I'm going back to Fargo to visit family too. I'm only staying the weekend. Well, if you get to Nina's before I leave, maybe we just might see each other there. Have a safe trip.

You can say that again. :rolleyes: I wonder how many people are from Minnesota on here?

Since he was able to take the fact that it is better if you do not hang out alone together anymore, I think it may be safe to go to the coffee shop. After all, he did take NO for an answer. You just need to nod or smile or say a simple hi to each other there, then make sure to not sit in the same places. He is not exactly a dangerous abuser to be avoided.

Cosign. It is great that he took no for an answer! With my situation, my guy would NOT take no for an answer. So your situation sounds like it's getting much better.