What to tell a girl who didn't get a bid
 

It's the end of recruitment here and there are a few girls who wanted to join the sorority I'm in but are not going to be getting a bid. One in particular i know is very upset about this. My chapter has a little booklet about the sorority and how to join. I want to make a little insert that goes along with the booklet that's titled "If you didn't receive a bid" and nicely put the different reasons a girl doesn't get a bid. this is what i have so far:

"First of all, don’t be discouraged from sororities in general or from continuing to be friends with the members of the sorority. There are many reasons a sorority does not give out a bid. Perhaps not all of the members got the chance to know you, or felt as if your true self did not get the chance to shine through during recruitment. Many times a sorority elects to only take a specific amount of New Members a semester and has to make a hard decision. In these cases a girl should defiantly try again by coming to continuous open bidding events she is invited to and participating in recruitment the following semester. Sometimes, however, many members do not feel a perspective fits in well with the sorority and feels she would thrive in another sorority on campus."

Is there anything else i should add or any rewording to make it sound nicer so this girl doesn't go on a killing spree?

Ick. I'll ignore your spelling mistakes/word choices for now and address what i think is the real problem: this whole idea of publishing a booklet on "how to get in" and then rubbing it in girls' noses when they don't get a bid is tacky. I take it you're a local, because I can't imagine any NPC sorority would do something like this.

The last thing a woman wants to do when she finds out she didn't get a bid is read a list of reasons why, or accept any of the blame for not getting one, as if she's done something wrong not to gain the chapter's praise.

I suggest you drop the "how to join" tips (other than talking about recruitment in general terms) and the "If you didn't get a bid" section especially.

actually, the how to join section isn't about tips. it's about the process. for example step one is participating in recruitment, and step two is accepting a bid and getting your new member pin. and a lot of girls have found it helpful because at my school most girls don't come to college knowing everything about sororities and greek life in general. everything in the booklet is questions that we have been asked in the past and things on our website like the history of our chapter and what our philanthropies are. it's not like I'm telling the girls how to act and what shoes to wear. if you notice i said the booklet is about the sorority and how to join, not "how to get in."

and i don't plan on rubbing it in the face of girls who didn't get a bid. i'm going to give this "insert" to the members of my sorority in case this girl approaches one of them and asks why she didn't get a bid. and i'm sure she will because she already made a face book note about it. i don't want the members of the sorority put in an awkward spot in which they do not know what to say. my school is so small many girls see her at least once a day and have classes with her. almost all of the members of my sorority thought this was a good idea. this way they either know what to say to her or they can give this insert to her.

thanks for answering my question.

Um, no offense but if I were a bidless PNM and someone told me what you just wrote, I'd feel even more like shit.

When you have time, try to go through the recruitment threads in this forum -- and pick out the ones where things didn't really go well in the end for the PNM. Lots of GCers have offered their advice/words of comfort to PNMs who didn't get a bid. Maybe you can pick up a few things from those threads.

Wouldn't what you have essentially said be more appropriately said by the Rho Chi?

Umm, couldn't your slip of paper possibly conflict with some NPC rules? Like that membership selection is private? I'm sure there's probably no rule against saying to a PNM "I'm really sorry, it's always very difficult for sororities to make these decisions and it's not always an easy one for us" and leave it at that. If you say stuff about how they may have not let their true personalities shine through or that they might have not met enough women, this could get really, really sticky. And if I can be perfectly honest, I think if I were a disappointed PNM it could come across as condescending. I know that's not the intention but that's how it would rub off.

I think it's probably a good idea to just coach your chapter members to say something really vague so you don't get in trouble. And run anything by your Greek advisor before you do anything so you don't get in trouble with your panhel or your HQs.

I don't know how much information really helps because ultimately the group didn't want them enough to give them a bid. Especially with informal rush or COB when the reasons are likely to be more subjective and varying, I think there's little you can say that is likely to help.

Personally, I think that Greek Life or Student Activities could be more direct about how things work, even if they can't get into specific membership selection. For instance, publishing the real average GPA of new members in addition to the minimum GPA, the number of non-freshmen who got bids at each group in the last five years, and the actual expectation about PNMs getting recs for that campus would help people who are likely to have a hard rush figure some stuff out in advance.

But I don't think that after rejecting someone during informal would be the time to tell them general stuff. You don't really want to open your membership criteria that much to other people.

no kidding, thats why i posted this. because i need advice about giving advice. i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like. and looking at how the votes went for her, neither will many other girls in my sorority. am i supposed to tell her "well, you cheated on your boyfriend with the boyfriend of one of our sisters who then broke up with that sister for you. you're also fake and hyprocritcal and change your personality and opinion depending on who you talk to." i'm telling you i know for sure this girl is going to approch one of us, so not telling her anything is not an option. thanks for your help.

They are an NPC chapter. The other sorority chapters are local (two) and an NPHC chapter.

jessicaelaine - I commend you wanting to help ease the pain of those women who do not receive a bid. However, when it comes to membership selection I feel it is best to just say something simple like "Membership selection is private/confidential" and leave it at that.

This is all you or your members need to say.

It's nice to want to make them feel better. But I think the Gamma Rhos or Panhellenic needs to say this before Recruitment starts. Some girls are GOING to get dropped from recruitment at most schools, and they should know that going in, and should be told, in a very vague way, not to take it too personally.

Agreed. Anything more divulging information that isn't theirs to know.

I'm surprised the Greek Life office doesn't already have a support system in place for PNM's who don't receive bids. You should suggest it to them & then leave it up to them!

Sorry, I just saw the signature. Wow. Just wow.

For what it is worth, there isn't a campus panhellenic council, but a single "IFC" that includes NIC, NPC, NPHC and locals. As such, I have a feeling that recruitment on that campus may not follow "traditional" NPC guidelines.

FYI, the two locals were founded 13 & 14 years prior to their chartering.

Some of it depends on how much you think you had to do with her not getting a bid.

If you brought a lot of the chapter to the point of view that this girl shouldn't be allowed to join, and you did it for primarily personal reasons/feelings, I can see why you would want to excercise some damage control. Because I can only imagine someone wanting to go postal if it were a personal problem.

In that case I would pre-empt the whole situation and have someone with good social skills go talk to her and tell/lie saying it wasn't anything personal. Explain that there is just a limited number of slots open and sometimes things work out in sucky ways. But you think she is cool, pretty, worthy, whatever.

There is no good way to reject someone, but you can offer them face saving comments if they want/need to hold onto them.

If you are just looking for some general blanket statement to out into a booklet or whatever:

"Membership Selection is a competitive process with limited spaces available, and that can result in highly desirable candidates remaining bidless, sometimes despite the wishes of the candidate or the sorority.

And due to the private nature of Membership Selection, sorority members are not in any way permitted to discuss the process."

Keep in mind that we are a small group on our campus, and we are not an NPC org.
During interviews, one of the girls told us that she had gotten mad when her place of work had gone out of business and had stolen several hundreds of dollars worth of stuff from them. We of course did not give her a bid, and when she cried and asked us why, we told her, "Some of your answers to the interview questions raised concerns in the sisters. We often have events in our private homes, and the lack of respect you showed for your employer's possessions makes us reluctant to invite you into our homes."
That was an extreme case. Anyone else we didn't invite back, we told them, "I'm sorry, but we don't discuss membership selection."

I am pretty sure that jessicaelaine's school doesn't have rho chi's, probably no Greek Life office, probably no NPC rules or any of the other things found at big schools...so the suggestions, while helpful somewhere else, really don't apply here. Not all schools with NPC groups operate reruitment like SEC or big campus schools.

Jessica, I commend you for wanting to let people down easy, but the suggestions re: not saying anything are right on target. We do not discuss membership selection or anything related to it. With what you said in the original post, you are giving false hope where there may not be any. Simply apologize and say that you are not at liberty to discuss details.

Greek Life isn't exactly do or die in this area, especially on the campuses with smaller systems. Most girls who don't get bids get upset and get over it, or try again through COB or the next year.

Jessica.... I suggest that if this really is a problem, and you HAVE to have something to say to this girl, maybe ask your UMD chapter. They might have some good suggestions for this situation.

Then don't. There's no reason why you should provide her with information related to why she didn't get in. She probably knows anyway. I mean, don'tcha think she realizes she hooked up with a guy who was dating a sister?

You don't have to comfort her. You don't have to find a nice way to tell her why she was released. If you try to do either one of those, you'll come across as giving lip service. Same goes for anyone else in the chapter whom she might approach.

As others have said, simply tell her that you cannot discuss membership selection and leave it at that. Like I said before, she probably knows anyway.

Wow, I guess I am just a little surprised at the need to explain anything at all. Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Now with the scenario described about the boyfriend it sounds like you feel the need to do damage control. But very honestly, she also should have realized that she wouldn't exactly be welcomed in that sorority.

I say let it go. As long as your chapter followed whatever your rules are for selection so be it.

yes, defiance will get her in! :rolleyes:

I highly agree with the opinion that the Office on Greek Life should have some sort of support for girls who didn't get a bid, as a bidless woman myself.

It shatters you, and when I was dropped the night before pref, I was called twice by my rho chi so I "understood" that I was not invited back. (It stung and I was highly upset that she called two times to make sure I 'understood' that I didn't get any invites, and I felt it was highly innapropriate. She offered no other comfort than that. Turns out she had done more wrong to me than that, but I digress.) After that, heartbroken, the Greek System abandoned me. You truly feel that you've been put through the system, giving it your all, and it spit you out. Perhaps have a couple rho chis who could offer a shoulder for a few days after. It may be a bit much to ask, but being completely abandoned by a system you wanted to be apart of hurts very much.

As a former Rho Chi (twice!) myself, I can't imagine how hard it must be to tell women in your rush group that they've been released from recruitment or didn't get a bid. Especially if they've done the best they could and maximized their opportunities. It happens so rarely that I probably would opt to tell the woman in person instead of over the phone, so that she could have a shoulder to cry on if needed.

For informal recruitment, honestly I don't know how my chapter handled the no-bid situation. I was never involved in the notification, so don't know whether they talked to the women regardless of getting a bid or not.

Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Exactly.

Sure. I agree that it's not a right, but what do you tell young women that you know personally before recruitment who get cut by groups they want or worse yet, cut out completely?

Without telling them specific membership information, don't you usually tell them something?

Sometimes it might just be about other chances to get involved elsewhere. Sometimes, if you know an objective reason, like low GPA, you might mention it as something that may have made it harder.

ETA: I don't mean that the groups themselves should say anything officially, but rush guides or greek life could say something.

i vote for james suggestion-elegantly said and succinct, it is kindly stated and close-ended, so that there should be no need for further conversation.

ps. i just went to your website and perused your rush booklet--nicely done. i do have one suggestion though. under "how to join" you might want to add a statement similar to what james suggested, so that uninformed pnms understand that not everyone will receive a bid. adding a statement to the bottom of your "how to join" section might help avoid the situation that the chapter finds itself in right now.

I'll tell you what not to say-"we only had a certain number of spots and unfortunately we couldn't take everyone we liked." Then the PNM goes ahead and sees the 17-18 person NM class and the fact that the sorority is holding COB. Yeah, out of space my ass. (My personal anecdote by the way.)

I would have preferred not being lied to and I think the best thing said to me was "we don't think you are a good fit for our chapter, but would do better in a different chapter. Good luck with the rest of recruitment." Or even leaving out the first bit and just saying the last part so as not to get sticky with MS.
It really hurts getting rejected but you can't tell her the things you've written. Just say you thought she might do better in a different chapter. Nice, subtle, positive. Leave it at that.

James's statement is nice for an official after the fact informal rush comment. It's also a nice general statement for before formal too.

I really wish that the Greek Life office at my school would have told girls before recruitment that membership selection is totally private and will not be discussed with any nonmembers. I remember that a lot of disappointed PNMs would be on the phone, or IM or Facebook with their friends after the PNM's were dropped from the friends' chapters: "Why didn't I get in??? I'm so upset! Why didn't you guys take me?"

It was uncomfortable for everyone and nothing the sorority friends could offer was comforting to the sad PNMs. I really wish that someone in charge of recruitment would have issued some blanket statment on what to do if you didn't receive a bid. PNMs should really be told that asking why they didn't get a bid is inappropriate, that sororities often have to make tough decisions and that a PNM might have a successful next recruitment, and that they can talk to someone in the Greek Life office if they need support in the event that they're dropped from recruitment or their favorite chapter. It would save everyone a lot of hassle and discomfort if there was a definite protocol for this situation.

I think the problems starts with the fact that the booklet says 'how to join', which makes an assumption on the part of the PNM that if you follow the things outlined in the booklet, they will be able to join regardless. I think you need to set up the process from the get-go as one of mutual selection and that the membership selection process is an internal matter. Your area alumnae advisers should be able to give you some additional direction on this.

i agree that having a booklet is probably a bad idea... A lot of girls we get I know don't really know much about the process which i think is easier if they're somewhat blind going into it. They're less likely to be nervouis and overthink everything if they don't really know. Thus, showing their trueselves more.

I think the best way to deal with a girl not getting a bid is to just simply say. "XYZ sorority was glad to see you come out to get to know us during our COB events. However, a bid can not be given to you at this time. There will be many more opporunities in the future for you to recieve a bid."

I would NOT say this. Some women will not receive bids, regardless of how many times they go through formal/informal recruitment. It's the sad truth. Telling a PNM that there will be "more opportunities in the future for you to receive a bid" will do nothing but give the PNM false hopes. There's no reason to go down that road with a disappointed PNM.

Well, sure, opinions will vary based on experience, but remember, you asked and you didn't really give a disclaimer about what your campus was like.

Some folks on here are really snippy as a default, and I don't get it, but as I've learned from personal experience, it doesn't help to respond in kind.

Good luck! If it works for your chapter and it's okay with your national, it looks like you're putting together a helpful guide.

I wasn't saying I didn't want their opinion. i know i asked for their opinon. on what to say to a girl in this situation. not on what i should put in an information booklet on the sorority. the fact that the rho chi should cover this or the office of greek life should have information regarding it does not matter. before this post, i had no idea what a rho chi was, and our "office of greek life" is a man called Al who run the field house.

i can't be snippy too. which is why i was.

That last part is kind of a zen riddle.

Really I think threads just take on a life of their own sometimes and your thread may have been more about what should be said to PNMs. If you are looking for a really specific answer, I'm afraid you have to make it clear. It seemed from what you said during the thread you were looking to speak officially for the group.

ETA: look back at your first post, and I think you'll see why people got the idea that it was about the booklet.

So you were instrumental in her not getting in? It was personal?

Or are you just her friend who encouraged her to join (and then she didn't get in)?

Why else care?

Get over it. we all left it alone but they weren't spelling mistakes, they were entirely different words which gave an entirely different meaning to the paragraph.
So is this a general advice insert, or just for this one girl who's about to kill herself because you didn't give her a bid?

Because when you have a small campus with a smaller Greek system, and most of the students aren't exactly pro-life, you have to care how you let people down. It's your reputation at stake.

That's one thing I wish people on GC would understand. People from different kinds of campuses will give advice and suggestions and then be shocked about the way your Greek system is run. I wouldn't give advice to someone with a large Southern campus's system.

I can see this, but wouldn't it be helpful to tell people what your campus was like? The only info. on this thread about the number of groups seemed to be provided by other people.

I think you all are right that at a small campus like you described the members may be more likely to face direct questions from PNMs that would be hard to imagine other places. Having the standard line from James, plus generally being nice after recruitment, will probably go a long way.