Boyfriends
 

Just a quick question...

What do you all think of girls who do not come to chapter meetings because they want to spend time with their boyfriends....or girls who give you an availability that goes around the days or nights they may spend (or want to spend) with their boyfriend?

I don't like them.

Seriously though, the sorority is a big responsibility and they should know that they have a commitment to it, but sometimes, there's only so much that you can do in a situation like this. I have a bigger problem with girls who leave the sorority because their current boyfriends don't want them to be in one.

When I was a collegian, members were allowed to miss a total of one meeting for personal reasons. Each time she missed a meeting thereafter, she'd have to write a letter stating why she missed a meeting. EC would then vote on whether to accept or reject the letter -- and then take any action necessary, usually a fine. Missing recruitment events/Ritual incurred the heaviest fine. Exceptions were usually made if missing the meeting was school-related.

Seriously though, if a member's dumb enough to say "I'm not coming to a meeting/event because I'd rather spend time with my BF..." then do you really want them as a member? Why bother even being in a sorority?

^^ What she said.

Ritual and meetings have the largest fines because, well, they're most important. We give girls 2 meetings for personal reasons. Work is not an excuse. Meetings are always on the same day at the same time...schedule around. If something desperate happens, let us know. We have a 24 hr rule w/ personal days.

Fines+ standards committee/ exec council.

I think they are getting very terminated from the sorority very soon.

I don't feel like going to work b/c I want to spend time with my b/f. I wonder if my employer would go for that? ;)

They tend to be single by the next semester. Oh, and stupid too.

....
 

Here is the deal. I don't like the fact that a girl would choose her sisters over her boyfriend. That shows that she would rather spend time with her sisters then with you. But at the same time if she makes it clear that her sorority is part of her life, her boyfriend should be understanding. If you miss a ritual or a mandatory event that is one thing, but if its just to hang out with your sisters that would bug a bf...

I agree. If these so called "boyfriends" can't understand then these girls don't need to be with them. I ditched a guy for the same thing.

I think it's sad because these are usually the type of girls who always have to have a boyfriend in order to feel validated. Anyone in college should have some good time management skills and if meetings as they should be with advance notice that's not really a good excuse. Most of my sisters have boyfriends and they all know how to plan their schedules so that this problem doesn't occur. I don't usually have this problem because I don't have an on campus boyfriend, but if he calls me I let him know I have to call him back. I think guys like it when they know that we are involved in more productive things, it's a turn on. When a girl lives and breathes for a guy it can scare the hell out of them.

I think girls with boyfriends need to prioritize. Most boyfriends worry about their girlfriends joining sororities because they feel that the sorority will take up all of the girlfriends time and separate them, and unfortunately, often this is the case. Missing pinning or initiation, some things are unacceptable. However, not going to your sororities fingerpainting committee's meeting to see your boyfriend instead is okay. I would be rather upset if my boyfriend told me that he was spending each day with his fraternity and he could only squeeze me in once a month. There needs to be a balance on both sides.

It appears I am probably one of the 'sisters' type that would be sacked. I didn't miss much, not the big ceremonies... but I ducked out of the social gatherings early, and wouldn't be one to go out with the girls after the meeting.

I started dating my boyfriend when I was still in the process of pledging to SAI, and he really didn't understand... But with him not in college, it was hard trying to balance it and explain why I wanted to do it. Eventually, it got too hard to be able to spend time with him, continuing school, being a fulltime SAI member, and working fulltime... something had to give... I am now in the 'inactive' list of members, saddly...

And yes, I do regret it sometimes, because I don't have all that many friends in school or anywhere, and I seemingly gave up on some that I shouldn't have...

I've always dated fraternity guys (not always fraternity men:o) for the simple reason that that's who I spent the most time around. But it was also good to know that they generally understood my comittments and didn't ask for extra time when I didn't have it.

I know it's important to spend time with a significant other, and it's hard to balance school, sorority, and a boyfriend. But it seems like if boyfriend is any good he'd understand. I learned the hard way in high school that trying to put all of your extra time into one boy is a bad idea. There's never a guarantee you'll be together forever and when you break up, all of your friends have gotten so tired of being blown off that they've stopped even trying to hang out with you. I'd try to be understanding, but I'd be pretty miffed. Our excuse notes go through EC to be approved or not, like OTW said...and I'm betting "I just really wanted to go see my boyfriend" would not go over well with the girls spending their extra time in EC when THEY want to see THEIR boyfriends, too.

I have a huge gripe about this whole thing.

Joining any greek organization is a huge time commitment. I don't care if it's NPC, NPHC, Phi Sig, a music org, it's a huge time commitment. During the NM period, NMs are not left in the dark about the time commitments required-at least not in SAI & Phi Sig anyway. We put certain responsibilities on our NMs so that they can get an idea of what being an initiated member entails. If a NM doesn't think she can handle the time commitment, frankly, I would rather her drop out than bring the chapter down.

Certain things do excuse an absence. Valid sickness, death in the family, school related obligations, being out of town--but wanting to spend time with your boyfriend is NOT an excuse.

My biggest gripe with this whole thing is that people want to sit there and blame their org for taking up the time that they would normally spend with a bf. I am in two greek orgs and attend two meetings every sunday that can last up to 6 hours. I work 25 hours a week as a manager for the computer labs on my campus. I spend 10 hours a week as an intern in the public school system. I take at least 15 credit hours every semester. AND GUESS WHAT, I have only every missed 1 SAI meeting since I have been initiated and 1 Phi Sig meeting since I have been initiated. I have been at every mandatory event and got my 10 points for the semester. I got top reviews at my internship and ended the semester with 3 Bs and 2 As. I also still had plenty of time left over to have quality time with a few guys I casually dated, celebrate birthdays, spend weekends in the mountains with my sister, and spent plenty of time with my friends that aren't in my orgs.

I'm not going to listen to someone who says that their org takes up too much time. It would appear to me that they are lacking in time management and productivity skills. They should have more than enough time to spend with anyone. But, that is only if they know how to time manage--and many people don't.

Still, missing a meeting because of your bf is complete bull. Get your butt up, go to your meeting and spend time with your boyfriend on Friday or Saturday, or Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. It's not an excuse.

We had a girl that did that. She went through all of pledgeship untill the morning of informal iniation. She left because her boyfriend was always giving her shit about joining a sorority. Some girls need to learn to stand up for themselves, She was engaged to this guy.

from what it seems this statement may sound like sheer blasphemy to you......but shouldn't your significant other be first in your life?

i mean my gf is my priorority...simply b/c i like being around her and there's nothing i'd rather do...as lame as that sounds.

i'm not joining a fraternity next year...but if i did and my fraternity was having a party and my gf wanted to go out to dinner and hang out later...then duh im doing that simply b/c no party can replace time with her...

i mean...i guess im just lame

That's not the same, though. The difference is that your PROMISE to support the organization, and we all have bare minimums. There are required events, like chapter, a few philanthropy events a semester, maybe a couple of sisterhood events. I think fraternities have even less. The "fun" stuff is optional. You'll feel more comfortable and included the more you're around your brothers/sisters, but you aren't required to go to EVERY event that your organization hosts. It's not that hard to balance priorities. My boyfriend is extremely important to me. He's a priority to me. But I made promises to Alpha Gam, so if he wants to go on a date night on a Sunday night, that's too bad. I have chapter. It only lasts an hour, it's not a big deal. Fortunately he's in a fraternity so he understands. When he is off helping work on the house for instance, I don't ask him to come take me out. And when I need to go to a required sorority event, he doesn't ask me to. There's a way to balance priorities. It's mostly about time management.

If your friends had planned (I'm talking planned weeks in advance) to go hunting or something, and your girlfriend said she wanted to dinner, would you blow off your friends and a plan you'd had for weeks for what your girlfriend wanted to do and just asked about that day?

If so, then YES, YOU ARE SUPER DUPER LAME.

i agree with most of these responses.

our chapter tries to vary our meeting times so that we can have that opportunity. one of my girlfriends is in the military, so is her husband. it was increasingly difficult to find time together for them. to me, she had a valid excuse to miss her chapter meeting every once in a while...

but random "i-miss-billy-time" ? i dont think so.

You are right...sometimes things need to be done case by case anyway. She would have a much better excuse than your average sister who can't be away from her boy for a day.

i'd like to have the freedom to do what i want when i want to. i didn't realize you were FORCED to go to meetings when they tell you to or suffer the consequences.

but i guess i see what your saying, you made a committment to your boyfriend...as well as your sorority and since they are equally important you gotta choose which one at the right time.

just outta sheeeeeeeeeer curiosity...if you had to give up one of the two following which on would it be?

husband/serious bf OR sorority?

just curious.

I don't think we've explained it well enough. It isn't about being "forced". Joining a social Greek organization is similar to joining a second family. In a real family, you'll give up a little bit of your time and freedom for the convience of your relatives. In a Greek organization, you give up a little time and freedom as well. The reason you do this is because you promise to. All of our rituals are different, but they'll include a promise in some form at some point to be a loyal and active member of the organization. If you have strong objections to this, it's not a good idea to join. You won't be happy, and the other members who depend on you won't be either.

The reason we are not very understanding of wanting to miss a required event for "boyfriend" time is pretty unreasonable. This is because there are just not that many times for which you will be REQUIRED to be present. You have one meeting a week that will last between 1 hour to an hour and a half. It's at the same time every week. Your required events will be handed to you generally at least two weeks in advance. Usually you are given notice earlier than that. And except for Recruitment and initiation, there will be few times when your presence will be required more than once a week. Of course, you put into what you get out of it. But if you meet the bare minimum, you're fine. Therefore it's just not that big of a deal to schedule dates around those times. Part of college is learning how to manage time and balance activities. In the real world, especially if you marry and have children, you'll juggle a job, bill paying, social outings with friends, over time, kids' activities, family obligations, possibly church, etc. It's much harder than the balancing act of your average college student, even when in an organization, going to school and working 8-12 hours a week. It is simply a slap in the face to a brother or sister to say that the little time that is literally REQUIRED of you as a member is just not as important as hang out time. And for most chapters, it's not going to fly. That's because the people who are present are missing time with THEIR significant others and friends.

Personally I just cannot conceive of a situation in which my sorority membership would force me to make a choice between the sorority and my boyfriend. Both of us are entirely capable of being understanding of each others' committments, and are able to balance school, work, the organization, and each other. I am even able to do all of that and do a little more than minimum, most of the time. So is he. Neither of us would ever demand that the other miss a prior obligation for each other. The only thing that is not understanding is my school work. And getting a degree comes before both a sorority and a boyfriend.

I don't think any sorority would ever force a woman to choose between a husband and them, either. "Real" family, I'm sure anyone would agree, comes before the second family. Spouses are in this category. Of course, most members who get married choose to go alum anyway, so that they can move forward with their lives and devote more time to their new family. That would be my choice, personally.

I'm kinda biting off of what SquirrelGirl said but...

When I became a part of my sorority I did so because I loved it, and I wanted to live my life as a woman who embodied the characteristics of an Alpha Kappa Alpha woman.

Many greeks will tell you that the true test of your devotion doesn't begin until AFTER you are initiated. I go to my sorority's meetings and events because if I want to be a woman of AKA then I must make the active decision to embrace these responsibilities as a part of who I am.

No one forces me to do what an active member is responsible for doing, I participate because I love it. My sorority means the world to me, and I know that a sisterhood is only as good as the sisters who are responsible for upholding its principles. Being a part of something as beautiful as a sorority should never be looked upon as a burden.

Fines and sanctions seem so ridiculous to me because if you don't have a legitimate reason for being a good sister, then you don't deserve to call yourself greek.

Positive relationships are suppose to be support systems, and good boyfriends support all your positive endeavors, especially the ones that last a lifetime. If your significant other can't understand that, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship. :(

thats cool i was jw. glad to hear that a spouse would be more important to a sorority girl than her sorority b/c the impression i got was a lot diff.

but i get it now.

Exactly.

I think maybe you don't get the sorority thing. And that's not to be condescendning. Most people don't unless they're in one. And even then...that's no guarantee that someone will "get it". That's because a sorority is more like what sAKAsfaction described than a social club. It's a secondary family. But most people think a sorority is a club. It's a stereotype, but a very prevelant one. I think unless someone has experienced the TRUE meaning of sisterhood (or brotherhood in a fraternity) it's hard to see it otherwise. I didn't really see otherwise as a new member. It wasn't until after I was initiated that I did. And again, I don't mean to be condescending. It's hard to see it as more than a club until you've "gotten it".

thats cool, i guess i might not have "gotten it" exactly b/c ive never been in one but i def. see what your saying. its a good concept and i like the idea. i personally do not have biological brothers or sisters but i do have a few very very close friends which i consider my brothers ...for life and i'd hope the lifetime after this lol. i understand now a fraternity does not exist to to provide crazy drunken parties with girls running around like a girls gone wild commericial (altho thats the image the fraternities ive been to give) but rather people who you can look to, to always be there no matter what the occasion, purpose, or cause - just like a TRUE brother would. I also get that sorority girls aren't snooty in the sense that they'd say something like "i'd never date a g.d.i. I only date fraternity guys (b/c of the fact they are in a fraternity)" which is ANOTHER impression i got from the fraternities i've rushed. they told me "all the sorority chicks dig us fraternity guys b/c here's where the alchohol and partying's at." well, now i know sorority girls date GUYS not letters.

i still don't think i'm going to join one simply b/c my future to be brothers have already lied to me...by telling me crazy almost rediculous stories about girls and that being in a fraternity will get girls to be all on me. then they invite me to a stripper party...and im like whoa, ya'll need strippers? didn't you say the sorority girls were like that?

to soda:

there's more than one frat in the world.... maybe you should consider one besides a glo that promises you lots of @$$

:confused:

Yeah, our brothers and sisters are like your friends you describe. Just with promises and ritual and trappings and all that, which I personally like. But no, you don't necessarily need it to have life long friends. (Obviously). The fraternities market themselves to sell, and it's probably the case that on your campus, that's what rushees want out of a fraternity. A lot of them who do join will begin to see what brotherhood is during pledgeship and definitely after initiation (though not all...some people really do just want a social club...that's life), but they GET them to join by drawing them in with girls, booze, etc.

I'm sure there ARE girls who date letters. But personally I think they are stupid. I can't see how that would be worth the trouble. A relationship can be a huge pain...I don't see how it's worth it unless you're with someone you really care about. But maybe I'm just lazy. Most girls who prefer to date fraternity guys, if they do, know that they will end up hanging out with fratnerity guys more often and, more importantly, the fraternity guys are more likely to be understanding of sorority commitments, since they have their own. Of course I WOULD date a guy who wasn't in a fraternity. But a) I hung around fraternity guys more, by default and b) it IS easier to be with a guy who is in a similar situation and therefore understands.

If it's not for you, it's not. Honestly if you aren't that into it, it's a pain in the ass. You have to be into it, really enjoy it, and put some effort into it to get enough out to make it worth it. That's my opinion, anyway, based on observation. The people who just don't REALLY want to be there end up unhappy and dropping. They've wasted their own time and ours. Sucks for both parties. Chances are, though, if you're at all interested, that there's at least one fraternity on your campus that doesn't rush based solely on naked girls (hired or no) and alcohol...and if not, chances are that they drop a lot of that act (let's be honest...not all of it...talking college guys here) once you're in. I think usually the people who take brotherhood/sisterhood seriously do tend to outnumber those that don't, and having that connection is a good thing. (Can't have your cake and eat it too...you're always going to have a few flakes). But if it just really doesn't sound like it's worth the try, don't waste your time...college only lasts so long. No point in wasting any of it.

So many times, it is hard for Guys to understand and vice versa!:eek:

Having the group gathering is important and when "A Dude" is gone, the Brothers and Sisters are still there!:)

This weekend once again proved it again!;)