Bridesmaid Situation
 

I'm in a wedding in a couple of months and I'm getting a little frustrated. What other reason does a couple have a wedding (rather than elope), than to share the event with the family and friends? Which means making certain concessions for those loved ones so that they can actually attend? Right?

I have tentative dates for everything-- the bridal shower, rehearsal dinner, etc., and no concrete times or places! No information has been offered despite repeated requests, or regarding reserved hotel blocks, etc. All I know is the date of the wedding (but no idea as to where and what time it begins!) and where to buy my dress. The rehearsal is being planned for a Friday and the wedding is being held on a Sunday for financial reasons, but it is turning into a larger financial burden for me than I had assumed because I have to travel from another state and no one will tell me times and places!

I have strongly considered stepping down from my duties in the bridal party and attending as a guest, but I also know that all of "our crowd" will be standing up there beside the bride and I will probably regret it. As it stands, I think it would be wise for me to skip the shower. Due to the lack of communication and despite my repeated requests (and explaining my line of reasoning to the MOH to get those dates), no decisions have been made and air travel costs get more expensive every day.

Any recommendations on preserving my sanity?

All of the weddings I have been in have been out of state because I don't live in my hometown anymore. I did not attend some of the showers and luncheons because I didn't have time with work to drive 6 hours home for one night or one luncheon/tea. I told my friends up front that if you want me in your wedding please realize I might not be able to go to everything but I'll be there on the "big day." I would also politely tell your bride-to-be friend that you will be in her wedding but you need to know specifics or else you cannot take off from work/school/etc. Just tell her that you need to know so you can plan your travel arrangements and the longer she takes the more expensive it gets for you. As far as a dress goes, I thought you had to order a bridesmaid's dress like at least a few months ahead of time for fittings and things. I realize this is your friend's "big day" but she might end up being called a "big pain" if she doesn't get her act together. And in the long run she might end up losing some friends.

What if you make your travel arrangements so you can be there for Friday and Sunday -- maybe arriving Friday afternoon and leaving Sunday late or Monday? Screw the shower.

I wouldn't step down as BM UNLESS the bride is being flakey. If the MOH and other BMs have poor communication skills, it would be really unfortunate for the bride to lose out on you standing up for her. If the bride is being uncommunicative, that's a different story.

Given that showers are generally short parties that take place over one afternoon, I would definitely say it would be permissible -- if not expected -- that you'd skip stuff like that as an out of towner.

I'm with OleMiss on this one, if it gets to be totally crazy, have a heart to heart with the bride at a time when she's not stressed with wedding planning stuff. Explain to her that you'd love to be there for the big day but you literally can't get time off work for stuff without advance notice, so that you might have to skip showers, bridesmaid activities etc. I think any halfway reasonable bride would understand your predicament and not hold your absences against you, and would at the VERY least try to get some dates set in stone for you!

I think I'm most shocked about the dress situation -- I had to go in for fittings for BM dresses like five months in advance! Are you buying off the rack or not getting the dresses altered? Is like the bride's mom making the dresses or something? :eek: This bride better get in gear if she hasn't already or else she's going to have some pretty mismatched BMs!

Thanks for the replies so far. The dresses are from David's-- so far none of the BM's have ordered theirs yet except the brides' sister and she got hers in a few weeks' time. I'm honestly hesitant to order the dress until I have a talk with the bride, which I will do before the week is out. From there I will better be able to determine if I can be in the wedding or if I will attend as a guest. My boyfriend can't go, due to to work obligations, so I'll be flying solo. Bummer.

I am definitely going to skip the shower.

What bothers me most is that I have repeatedly requested this information over the last nine months and explained my reasoning... the other BMs also feel like they are in the dark. While they are in-state, this whole 4-day weekend (rehearsal on a Friday night/wedding on a Sunday night so you can't really leave until Monday) is really proving to be a strain. Initially,when we were invited to be in the wedding, it was to be held on a Saturday. They've moved things around a few times and not been entirely forthcoming with the details, so as much as you want to be there...it's just harder.

Early April. Which may sound far away, but it's not... I've called the bride 3 times over the last two days to say, "Hey, hope all is well. Please, please give me a call so I can get some details from you about your wedding. I really, really, really want to book my flight this week because airline rates are going up and I don't want to miss out! Please call me!"

I've been reduced to begging! I should not have to beg to have my friend call me back or chase after her to get the simplest of answers! It is frustrating because she responded to an email of mine this morning and ignored the part where I made the same plea. What gives? I'm not trying to make this all about me, and I hope it isn't coming off that way... but I really want to be there for my friend and she's making it really a lot harder financially than it needs to be. That really bugs me.

How can they reserve rehearsal dinner places, shower caterers/restaurants, florists, etc. without having a confirmed date?? If it's early April, then they would have to already book all these places. They can't treat the caterer like they're treating the bridesmaids "Um, yeah, we need chicken cordon blue for 50 people, maybe on Saturday but could be on Friday, and we might want to have it at XYZ Restaurant but we also could be having it at ABC Club." Something is odd here if she doesn't have those dates and places set in stone. CAn any of the BM's call the mother of the bride, maybe?

Hope she's putting more thought into marriage planning than into planning this trainwreck of a wedding! :(

She's being a butt, period. If she doesn't know, she should tell you. If she does know, she should tell you. If I were in your place, I'd tell her to let me know the details now or I can't be a bridesmaid -- it might not be a big deal, because it sounds like the wedding might not even happen.

I think you need to send her an email that relays this sentiment alone. Tell the bride that you know she must be very busy but if she wants you to particpate as much as you want to participate, then she needs to tell you the details that she does know by X date, otherwise you will not be able to attend. Tell her that not being there will surely break your heart, but that you cannot jeopardize your professional and financial plans in order to do so.

Something doesn't sound quite right here. Maybe the bride is having cold feet and that is causing her angst? Maybe the groom is?

This is surely not an easy situation...and it is her day. But if she wants you at her day, she needs to give you some help so that you can be there to support her.

Yup. If someone was calling me repeatedly, I'd call them back just to make them STFU, unless I was so upset about the whole situation I was just ignoring it.

Keep this thread alive! You all, along with two of the other BM's, are preserving my sanity! I just left her another voicemail and sent her an email saying I need her help and need to know specifics because really need to book this flight ASAP... budgets and such b/c I'm leaving my job to start school ... I also threw in that I'm looking forward to seeing her and can't believe it is only 3 months away, if she needs anything just call, etc...

I say call the bride's mom or sister if Bride doesn't respond to you this time, even if you don't really know them.

I'm sure every ettiquette maven would have my head for saying that, but I think I'd decide to risk looking a little weird rather than potentially losing out on a ton of money for the airline tix. Just be like "Listen, it seems like Bride is SO busy with the wedding planning, I hate constantly bugging her with my questions and I haven't been able to get ahold of her. I just needed to know some specific dates so I can book my flights because they're getting so expensive!"

Would you believe I have not been given their contact info? The bride is one of my college friends and the rest of the bridesmaids are our "social circle" from college, incl. the MOH. I would not have the other BMs' contact info at all were they not my friends. I'm stuck. If I don't hear from her by this weekend, I'm going to pull my hair out. And then I'll be bald. And who wants a bald bridesmaid?

Do you know her fiance's contact info? If you do, I would suggest going through him to find out about the wedding and dinner dates.

What are the other bridesmaids doing? Has the bride communicated information to anyone?

Hire an internet stalker to find their information....you'll get the info you need that way!

Seriously, don't pull your hair out *checks to make sure I used your properly* Its not meant to be this stressful. Set a deadline. If she doesn't responde, leave a polite message saying that you have to bow out of the wedding, but that you wish her best of luck and you look forward to seeing the pictures soon.

You're doing everything you can, and then some. I was so excited about my wedding I set up a website and mailed full itineraries to everyone that was coming well in advance of the date. I even had links to "Things to Do While You're in Annapolis" *checks spelling again* I know every person is different, but a wedding should be something you are so excited about that you cannot wait to share the details! Hopefully there isn't something wrong.

The other bridesmaids are in the dark, as well, and the MOH has tentative dates for the shower... I'm the only one from out of state. It is an inconvenience for everyone b/c they'll miss 1-2 days of work, too, but it's a 2-3 hour drive for everyone else so they're frustrated, too, but able to be a bit more flexible. Except for the sister, none of us has ordered a dress yet. The MOH may have; I am not sure.

I have her fiance's phone number, and if I can't get a hold of her, I may try calling him and using the, "I know dear bride is so very busy and I have just a couple quick questions that I was hoping you can help me with!"

I just want to know approx. start/end times so I can plan my flight and not have to spend the extra money (that I can't afford) on another evening in a hotel and missing more work!

At what point do I bow out? Flights are at around $300 right now... already more than I wanted to spend... when it gets to $400? At what point do I throw in the towel and give up? This is so silly; I agree-- every other wedding I have been a guest of/honor attendant to, there have updates upon updates until I'm sick of hearing about everything! I love my friend and I want only the best for her and to share in her happiness, but I'd love to know even more when I'm supposed to be there... and where the heck/if/when they have registered for gifts!

Dude, go have a beer or 12 and relax. You're driving yourself crazy because your friend is being an asshole -- you're making her problem (being an asshole) your problem (driving yourself crazy).

Until you hear otherwise, why not just assume that there's a good chance it's not even happening. Unless they're getting married at the Elvis Drive Through of Love, there's a very good chance they'd already have this stuff figured out and I can't imagine why they'd keep the information from you. If someday she gets her shit together and by then you can't get your dress or plane tickets are too expensive for you to attend, too bad so sad she shouldn't have been an asshole.

ETA: I would NOT call dude. I suspect there is some drama afoot with them.

I agree. With the amount of bridesmaids she has, it sounds like she's having a decent sized wedding. In other words, the details you're asking her for should have been figured out long before. A decent sized wedding usually takes more than 3 months to plan (usually...although I'm sure a very motivated bride could do it!) so she should've had this information months ago.

I'd let it go and assume that something has gone awry with the bride and groom and they're not ready to talk about it yet.

I can't wait to take you up on that idea, valkyrie. The workday is long.... You're right. If I don't hear back from her soon, then it is a moot point and I've done all I can over the last several months to be supportive, express my concerns regarding timely information so I can book my travel, etc. If I get the info so late that I can no longer afford to stand up beside her, it shouldn't reflect upon a lack of motivation or effort on my part.

Exactly. You've already done more than you should have to do, and it sucks that she's not being more considerate.

Valkyrie is absolutely right, and the bride is being terribly inconsiderate.

However, in your interest, just keep in mind that bowing out of the wedding could very well result in the end of the friendship between you and the bride. I know that she hasn't been a very good friend to you recently and it would be totally unfair for her to get mad at you/break up your friendship based on her lack of conscientiousness, but it's the truth. Human relationships can be notoriously irrational.

If she's been a good friend to you before the wedding dramarama and this wedding bs is a relatively isolated incident of her being a bad friend, you might decide that paying the extra cost for an airline ticket is worth it to avoid hurting your relationship with the bride. If she's been a so-so friend all along, or she has a history of being flakey, or whatever, you might decide that you're just better off without the hassle of her being in your life.

No matter what you decide, I don't think anyone would blame you for saying "screw it" and bowing out of the wedding, even if Bride had been a good friend before. I'd say a pretty strong argument could be made that a true friend would never put you through this kind of hassle, or at the very least wouldn't ignore your concerns.

Finally... We have contact! At this point they have booked their hall, but still haven't signed with the caterer, no location for the rehearsal dinner (not sure if they will have a rehearsal), and haven't yet found a hotel to reserve a block of rooms for guests. She is doing the invitations at home and they're almost ready to go out... I couldn't eek out any more details than that... I've decided to stay in the wedding, but I told her with the shower date still up in the air I could not attend, coming from so far away. She was really sweet about everything-- nothing is wrong on their end; just lack of communication. I booked my flight this week for the wedding and I'll buy my dress in a few weeks-- they're not custom-made, so it takes about 2-3 weeks to receive the dress (which I can then take to my seamstress to have it hemmed, etc.). I still think this whole event is seriously disorganized, but that's not my problem. I'll be there for the weekend to do whatever they need me for (setting up the hall, etc.), and keep my mouth shut.

Thanks to all during a very frustrating week. I love my friend very much, but this whole epsiode of hunting her down to get some questions answered drove my Type A-self practically insane!

Three months until the wedding and they don't have the rehearsal dinner space yet? Or the hotels? Or the CATERER? WHAT???

(I come from an area where you can't plan a graduation party any later than six months in advance -- weddings need to be finalized about 8-12mos beforehand! Unless it's a casual affair, this seems insane to me!)

I expect some headaches for you regarding this wedding -- hopefully nothing major but if this is really as disorganized as it seems, you might be in for a few surprises. I hope you can zen any annoyances that pop up and feel free to post back here if you need to vent! :)

Agreed - this is going to be more than you showing up to help decorate or something. Sounds like you guys may end up serving food from KFC at this event!

I know things are "busy" in the wedding planning process, but geez, that's why you have a MoH (if not a wedding consultant) - and sorry, but its beyond being "busy" to have ignored your repeated calls & emails. She was being just plain rude.

Good luck with everything - I won't be surprised if you aren't back on here with another problem she is having (or creating!) because it sounds like she isn't at all ready for this type of event.