What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?
 

When I dated, my friends and I called them "strikes" (like in baseball). There would be "3 strike violations" and "1 strike violations".

The 1 strike violation would be to ask me to go somewhere on an alleged date that was unsafe, namely the beach in the middle of night. Since I lived in Southern California, there are only a few things that dates can do at the beach at night... None them altruistic and honorable... And I was not into that.

But flags are realitively easy to spot wen you know what you will tolerate for yourself. Everyone will "use" you, it is your duty whether you choose to be "misused"...

So if you dislike fake nails, would you date a "nail biter" with little mushroom knubs for fingers?

About familial background--what kind of family "future" do you envision for yourself?

No offense, but shouldn't your main priority be on her. You're not really dating her family, you're dating her. I know you got burned in the last relationship (saw your post on the other thread) but it's not healthy to carry baggage from another relationship on to this one. Obviously, you should fit in with the family, no doubt..but at the end of the day, you're building a relationship with "her".


A red flag for me would be someone who is judgmental, especially when it comes to women. He wasn't judging me, but other females. We have common friends, and he described one of them to have gained so much "weight". Red flag was up. It was unfortunate that this was a habitual thing for him. That was such a major turn off. He was a nice guy, but no second date, of course.

As crazy as this may sound, I actually like a nail biter:) . Women like that are so real to me. If she doesn't bite her nails that's cool, it doesn't really matter as long as they're not fake.

As far as family is concerned I just want the family backgrounds to be similar. No, they don't have to be exactly alike, but if they're similar then I think we would have more in common. All the women I've been in serious relationships with have had opposite family backgrounds from mine, and the relationships never worked.

A red flag for me is when he constantly bad mouths the women from previous relationships. We have all had bad relationships but there is no need to go on and on about what a bitch she was.
In my mind, it is just a matter of time before he is bad mouthing me.

Okey, so GC folks are ready to fight with you. You could decide to explain if you'd like...

Some GC folks will agree with you, the "equally yoked" thing again... It matters what is important to you.

The deal is that you have been going after women outside of your desired familial background conditions... Meaning that you have a recruitment problem... ;)

If you think you desire a woman with similar familial heritage as you, you need to go places where these women are... And church is just only ONE viable option... Women who care about family are usually the one's who put the entire Christmas Pageant together and are young... Or they work for campaign headquarters... Or the all of next year's health walks are coming up, they should be on the planning committees--especially for the Komen Race for the Cure in your city... Some powerhouse sistahs are namely school teachers for all levels... And if they are really involved with their craft they will be in graduate school or finish grad school...

There are only ~50 powerhouse sistahs that live in any average sized city... Only NYC or LA or Chicago or Atlanta or DC would have more... So you odds of actually meeting homegirl who is doing the kinds of things in her life and having a desirable familial background is extremely rare...

Dude, aside me from saying "I told you so" and "you were only looking at ass"... You can never make a "ho into a housewife"...

You discounted sistahs who you thought were "nerds" and "goofay". They didn't wear the cutest or revealing clothes. You chose ass and booty shaking over brains and beauty... Put it more bluntly, you chose a "Mary Magdelene" rather than the "Heavenly Sarah"... Dealing with a "Magdelene" and having her come to see the "light" is very different than loving a "Heavenly Sarah".

You chose to come under a legally binding "holy matrimonial" with a woman who failed to respect or understand the meaning of being with another human being. You disrespected yourself and your own family.

Really, rather than assessing the young lady's familial background, you need to start to love and respect yourself enough to include a woman who respects and loves you and your familial background...

It's that "let no one put asunder" and that "leaving and cleaving unto your mate".

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

The women I've dated in the past, I never tried to change. They pretty much told me the things I wanted to hear. I dated the representative and not the real person. My X told me that if she had been truthful to me from the start I wouldn't have been with her, so she felt she had to lie. That whole relationship was built on lies. I'm not perfect, I lack some things, but I have nothing to hide. You're absolutely right, no woman can fill all my desires, just like I can't fulfill all of hers, but there are somethings I won't settle for. My X was cool, we just drifted apart.

AKA_Monet you're one of the more intelligent GCers on here, but I can't agree with you when you say that getting serious with a woman based on family background is wrong. We'll have to agree to disagree on that. As far as my quest for a relationship, I'm not looking. Who knows I may run in to her, I may not. I may not be able to get everything I would like, but one thing I can say is that I'm not going to settle. If you settled, that's cool, and I hope your marriage continues to prosper, I hope I don't end up with someone who just settles for me. I hope I'm the one she really wants to be with. I'm not just pursuing women from other ethnic groups, I'm just saying if the right woman comes along, it doesn't matter what race she is, as long as we have a lot in common, respect and enjoy each other. As far as every woman I come into contact with just has to be herself. She doesn't have to tell me what I want to hear. I'll be the one to determine if I think she's compatible with me. The women I dated in the past when I was young, is in the past. I'm older now, and if I could do it all over again I would, because it was a good learning experience.

Red flags:

- Criticizing me: my manners, my weight, my hobbies, etc.
- Knowing things about me that are NOT easy to find out. I am NOT a private person- but there are some things that would take A LOT of prodding to find out. Especially back then when there was no Yahoo/Google/Zabasearch.
- Gossipping about other people's flaws.
- Too much interest too soon.
- Disrespect and rudeness- towards me or anyone else.
- Not taking no for an answer when I refuse physical contact too soon or to engage in a certain activity or go a certain place.
- Objective discrepancies that show a person is simply not for me, such as a very large gap in education level, or a religion that is just way too different from my beliefs.
- Doing drugs, or smoking in front of me.
- While one prejudiced or stereotyped remark is something that I can look the other way regarding, if the person constantly trash-talks groups AND individuals, it WILL make me very uncomfortable. Too negative. Conversely, if the person raises holy hell if someone makes an inaccurate remark or uses an out of date term, that is also unrealistic and too judgmental.

Yellow flags:

- Not liking animals.
- Too many specific phobias, especially if they have no explanation.
- Stating you like a certain kind of woman that I could never be.
- Not picking battles sensibly.
- After a few dates, if all the nice things you say about me are regarding the way I look, and all the things you dislike about me are regarding the way I sound, I may assume you want a woman who speaks only when spoken to and is seen and not heard. Hence I WILL hightail.
- Sarcasm and snark, even if not directed at me.
- Being creeped out by a certain item I collect (yup, it happened), or saying it is infantile to do so.

I agree with almost everything Scandia said.. except the smoking part. I can deal with an ocassional smoker.

Not liking animals, especially MY dogs, is grounds for disqualification.

:)

red/yellow flags:

- those that talk too much about their ex
- arrogant attitude/chip on shoulder - BIG turn off
- too nice too soon; telling me what he 'thinks' I want to hear

Red flags
-bad grammar (I can't stand it, and it's even worse when the person IS educated and talks like this anyway)
-talking about ex girlfriends. not on the first date.
-disrespectful to the waitress, movie ticket person, etc.
-ANYONE WHO TALKS NEGATIVELY ABOUT THEIR MOM. im a firm believer that a guy treats his mom/sisters the way he treats you.
-smoking. social smoking (like at a bar when you're drunk) doesn't bother me too much, but i could never date a "smoker"

Yellow flags
-someone who name drops.
-someone who hints they have money. it's SO annoying.
-someone who doesn't like animals, especially dogs.
-tennis shoes.. not on a first date, no way.
-making a comment about the price of dinner/movies, etc.
-lack of opening doors. i dont really notice if they open a car door, but a door to a building should definitely be held open.
-a democrat (if they have strong political views). i love george bush.
-acting way too interested way too early.

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

Answering your cell phone during dinner (unless it's a family emergency) will almost guarantee that there will be no second date.

Any mention of cosplay, anime, Dungeons & Dragons, etc. will guarantee that there will be no 2nd date. That shit freaks me out. Get a normal hobby.

If I catch him drinking a poosay drink -- White Zin, Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi O -- there will be no 2nd date. If I can handle my beer, and Jack, Jim, and Jose... my man should be able to as well.

If he mentions that he doesn't like smokers, there will be no 2nd date.

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country. :)

I love you.

Red flags:
-Having no sense of humor and/or not being able to take my jokes (I can't help it, I've always been a sarcastic person and that's not ever going to change)
-Someone who makes fun of me b/c I drive a Lexus, have doctors for parents, and still get an allowance (this happens way too often sadly).
-Talking about themselves and how great they are constantly...so annoying
-Being "too nice" (ie always agreeing with me, telling me what they think I "want" to hear, being a pushover)
-Bad grammar, I can't stand it when guys say things like "I ain't done that yet" or "I seen them yesterday" or "He don't need my help with that"...wtf, seriously!!! I just don't get this at all.
-Someone who doesn't like dogs, especially MY DOG. My dog is like my child, and he sleeps in my bed everynight so if you don't like him, too bad...definitely not the person for me.
-Any guy that compliments me only on the way I look, after they've gotten to know me better. It's nice that you think I'm beautiful or whatever, but I love myself b/c of the person that I am, not b/c of what I look like...
-Constant talking about their ex and even worse comparing me to them :eek:

I'm sure I have lots more, but that's enough for now. ;)

I'd make fun of you, too.

People who make fun are usually jealous and they probably wish they could be so lucky.

Nah, I'm one of the luckiest humans on the Earth and I would probably tease her about this, even on a first date - however, it would be just that: teasing. I'm not sure there's really a difference, but it would probably be funny to joke about (especially w/ the mutual sarcasm thing), and first dates are all about getting over that kind of thing.

Also I can't imagine why any of this (other than maybe 'rents as doctors) would ever come up, so it's probably moot.

However, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I tease her for this right now, so I'm probably not the best judge. I'm definitely the mayor of my own town over here . . .

I agree with most of those, particulary the drink. Except the smoking- You know me and my bag o' drugs. Bag o' drugs and I require a nonsmoker. Along with someone who can deal with the fact that anywhere we might go overnight, I need to bring a bag o' drugs.

Other flags:
-torturing animals as a child
-can't hold a conversation
-if when i mention my occupation he makes a comment along the lines of, 'i would totally fantazie about you if i were in high school.' i can handle the 'why did i have all old teachers in high school' but not the first.

That's it! You hit the nail on the head. Once I find out her family is the least bit opposite of mine, I mean, it can just be one thing. ...There will not be a 2nd date. We can be friends and that's it. Nothing else. I've told women this too. I let them know up front after they started showing me that they want more. I just told them our backgrounds are too different. So far I have a friend I like a lot, she's really nice, and our backgrounds are very similar. Everything seems cool so far:p .

.....:p

It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene.

But I'd say that my red flags would include:

- bragging about sexual exploits
- talking incessantly about ex's
- getting too drunk (drinking responsibly on a first date is ok, getting falling-down-drunk is not)
- smoking (social smoking is ok, but regular daily smoking is not)
- admitting to current, regular use of illegal drugs (get off the drugs first, then we'll talk)
- strong fundamentalist religious views (e.g. a woman's place is in the home, watch your skirt - you're showing too much ankle, etc.)
- dresses in a very sloppy manner (e.g. torn or stained clothes) or in a manner inappropriate to the venue (e.g. jeans or sneakers at a very nice restaurant)

Yellow flags:

- late without a good reason (this is the first date - even if you're so chronically late that you'd be late to your own funeral, you should at least try to pick me up / meet me on time!)
- not tipping, or lowballing the tip, unless the service was actually bad (I used to date a guy who would never tip waitstaff or cab drivers... :rolleyes: )
- can't hold a conversation / gives one-word answers to open-ended questions
- dictates where we are going on the date. Asking me what type of food I like, asking me if I have a restaurant to suggest, suggesting a type of cuisine or a specific restaurant and asking me if I'd like that - all are good. But "I know this great place where they serve only liver and brussels sprouts, and that's where we're going!" is not ok.

Okay, so I'm picky. :p

I agree with pretty much everything you said, aephi alum. Guess that means I'm picky, too! The only thing I would add to that list is if a gentleman alludes to the fact that he spends an inordinate amount of time with his mom, or bases all his opinions on what his mom thinks, etc. I love a man who respects his mother, but I've also had a good relationship damaged because of one loving mama who just couldn't bear to see any girl "steal" her precious son and it wasn't pleasant.

Red Flags:
Gratuitous use of curse words on a first date - if one slips out, that's fine (everyone's human) but I wanna know that if I take him home to meet my parents he's not going to drop the f-bomb in front of mom and dad!

Not even offering to pay. I'm a modern woman, I can pay my own way, but at least offer.

Sloppy dress... I get the trends and stuff, but if he looks dirty, it's definitely a no-go.

Talks more about work, school or TV shows more than hobbies, books, or movies. I'm not looking for someone that can pontificate for hours about heavy French Rennaissance literature, but watching TV for 100% of his free time instead of reading a book/fostering a hobby/even going out to the theater to see a play or a movie is definitely a red flag. And if he talks about work or school way too much, I get the feeling that there's no time in his life for me.

Brags about drinking skills. Laaaaaame.

Thanks Rob, I love you too. I don't know why this kind of thing comes up as often as it does, but sadly it happens. If a guy asks me about my job (and I never hardly had one in college) he would always want to know how I could pay any of my bills with no income, people are just nosy I guess. And if they ever saw my car or even my stupid car keys (yeah that happened once) they'd immediately make fun of me for it. I can deal with teasing, that's not a problem, but I can also tell the difference between being teased (sarcasm or whatever) and someone who actually thinks less of me as a person b/c of these things.

Yeah - word, it's also probably the difference between growing up/going to school with people who drove Lexuses and didn't have to work (like, uh, the chapter ksigkid and I were in) and being used to it on some level, versus some sort of "we against they" mentality . . . the classic "oh you're one of those rich kids" uncomfortable reaction?

I can't imagine a bigger red flag than "thinking less of me as a person because of things that really aren't in my control" (which is essentially how this parses, when you really break it down) - well, maybe like "punching me in the face" or "locking kids in the car to meet for drinks at the bar" but there simply aren't many bigger.

Definitely, and I think, for the most part, bringing up family money (or lack thereof) would be kind of tasteless on the first date anyway. That, is, unless it's like RC's case, where you know the person enough to get away with a little kidding around.

Like Rob said, some people are just more used to it because of maturity, environment, etc. I never really had to deal with it on dates; girls would ask why I was working two jobs during undergrad, but when I explained it was to pay for school, none really asked further. In fact, the only girl who got the full story was probably my wife...

However, a talk on money and/or family money would be enough to turn off anyone on the first date.

Exactly what I was trying to get at, thank you. :)

Red Flag Moments

I agree with you. IF the family background is not similar to mine, there won't be a 2nd date. IF he is white and informs me that he was once a dues-paying member of the KKK, it is over right then; and what Scandia said... IF he shows disrespect for women and disregard for "no", and dislikes puppies, these are all red flags.

Many past "sexual exploits"? Divorced?, Kids? All red flags. IF I find out he is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict,.... I am http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/8...sappearmc8.gif.

Yellow Flags include belonging to a different denomination, not opening the door for me, not listening to me, not paying, and not being a citizen of my country.

One of my goals in life is to break the line of my family's ways and to give my own children a completely different family life from the one I had; In fact I wonder whether I'm even going to let my future kids spend time with certain relatives. It's sad to know that some men wouldn't even give me that chance by judging me by my family.:( anyway...

yellow flags:
-playing music or suggesting movies that are degrading to women
-blatantly showing off wealth or talking a lot about money
-telling me I'm too quiet (noticing that I'm quiet is fine, but if he's acting like its a big problem, I'm not the one for him)

red flags:
-using language himself that is degrading to women
-trying to get sexual after I've made it clear that I don't want to
-badmouthing Christianity
-not being able to discuss current affairs/social issues or having views that are too different from mine

I might think of more later.