How many dates?
 

How many dates would you go on with someone before giving up due to lack of chemistry? Assume there are no red flags (or even yellow ones) and that the person is physically attractive and within your type, and that the person is kind and has a lot in common with you...but that interacting with this person seems no different than interacting with one of your platonic friends or co-workers.

Two. I think you have to give them a second chance if they're a nice guy, but if after the second one you're still not clicking, tell him you just want to be friends.

I'm actually in this dilemma right now, haha.

I would hang out with her as friends from the start, so if we got closer that would be cool and if we didn't she could stilll be a really good friend. We could continue to hang out regardless.

Well, the first date was good. Just like most first dates with good people that I have been on. I did not feel any chemistry or sparks- but it is not all that common to do so, especially when you do not know the person well. First dates are mainly to establish commonality and to make sure there are no red flags or any other immediate dealbreakers.

But on the second date, I felt like I was hanging out with a platonic male friend that I had back in undergrad. While my old friend Jacques was not my type and 5 years older than me, this guy is within my type and only 2 years older than myself. He's very kind and we have a lot in common- but I am not feeling any different than if I were hanging out a random platonic friend.

You might give it another date or two, simply because you like hanging out with the guy. I'd be careful about giving him the wrong idea (that you either really like him or that you're completely uninterested) though.

I am a believer in "love at first site" or rather, "like at first site". If you don't feel, don't draw it out. Some people can make it work even if they hated each other at first. But I usually rely on my gut. That works best for me.

How many? One.

I know people who were not immediately attracted to their mates. Some of them always found them good looking/their type, a few didn't. I do not think I need immediate attraction, but I do need to find the person good looking and my type.

I'm not very experienced when it comes to this. And I do know that love grows over time. But I would be hoping to at least start liking someone THAT way by the second date if it is meant to be. Is this a reasonable expectation?

I cannot say there are no negotiations with this guy and that he is the prototype of my dream person. But there are no major problems- I cannot even think of any yellow flags so far. I am just not feeling anything special for him. People I have described him too say that I am sounding very clinical when I talk about him- even though they recognize that it is all very positive. Almost like if I were appraising a colleague's performance.

People who fall in love over long periods of time are usually in contact with each other for those long periods, or in short periods repeatedly throughout the years. Unless you're going to a) string him along or b) keep him as a friend... I'd say move along.

Oh, I'll joyfully keep him as a friend. God knows if I probably need a close platonic male friend (just like Jacques was) more than what I need a significant other right now. I have a very busy spring coming up with a full time job and two graduate classes for a Specialist degree.

Well, I was very illusioned at the end of the first date. It seemed like there could be one in the second one. He impressed me quite well otherwise- I just was not feeling the butterflies quite yet. But nothing happened that would make me think that they would not happen on the second date.

But they did not happen. It was very flat.

ETA- Had the first date been as flat as the second one, I probably would not have given him a second date. But the first date went quite well. I definitely wanted to see him again at the end of the first one. The second one just fell flat on its face- hence I am so curious as to if this could have been a fluke and there could still be a chance, or if this is a big sign that we are just meant to be friends.

I wouldn't call it love, but I feel the same way. I usually dont even accept a date unless there's "something" there, i.e. chemistry, attraction, or whatever you might call it.

I totally agree. I can pretty much tell right away. I have had dates where I would be sitting there at dinner thinking, "Ohhh I could be home doing my laundry right now!"

I agree. My husband and I didn't even speak the same language when we started dating, but there was still that "something" there. I could see it in his eyes.

You could say it was a blind date, since we had only seen each other's pics before meeting on the first date. We had been talking on MySpace for a couple months before meeting.

I did not feel butterflies upon first sight.

Nor am I feeling them yet, and I do not know if it is too late.

I have felt them before at first sight, but I do not think I did with the last guy I dated, with whom I did have very good chemistry but with whom there were compatibility issues.

Keep in mind I have not had the best of luck in romance.

It doesn't matter. If it isn't there, it isn't there. Don't drag it out just because you've had bad luck with your relationships in the past. It's better to be alone than with someone that you don't have feelings for. If you don't have butterflies, turn him loose so he can find a girl that does.

MTSUGURL- Thank you so much. You do not know how much that means to me. And you are completely right about there being another girl who feels that for him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him- we are just not meant for each other.

I hope to not hurt his feelings- but I cannot lie to him. After watching the movie today, IF he asks me out again and I am still not feeling anything, I will let him know that I have realized that we work best as friends and that he is wonderful and will find the right woman for him.

Don't say that, that's patronizing. Just say that you work best as friends.

We went on the third date.

He declared his feelings for me.

I told him I need some time, and I truly mean it. I could not give a definite YES or NO at the moment.

A yes or no to what? Don't you find it a bit odd that any man would "declare feelings" on a third date?

He sounds needy.

A yes or no regarding feeling the same way for him. A yes or no to whether to say that I wanted to be his girlfriend because he felt the same way for me.

And I do not find it odd. I am not very experienced with this. He said that "I enjoy being with you and I would like to see you some more. I cannot get you out of my mind, and when you were coming, my heart was beating fast".

One guy many years ago told me that at the end of the second date. True, we were friends who saw each other in school. And I could easily tell him "no", since he truly did not meet the requirements nor was I attracted to him. But this guy is MUCH different- and MUCH better.

Wow, DTR on the third date. Scurry.

He should have just said "if you say no, tell me now so I can move on to someone who will say yes."

Scandia, it sounds like he doesn't want Ms. Right. He wants Ms. Right NOW.

Well, if you want details, he did not say "I like you" (that guy of the other example did). He said "I have really enjoyed your company, and I would like to see more of you".

And when I asked him to say explicitly everything he wanted to say, because I was not particularly good/experienced with things like this (not to mention feelings), and he said that he could not get me out of his mind AND that when he was waiting for me and when I was coming, his heart was beating very fast.

Things that I am not feeling yet, but that there is nothing in him that would prevent them. No action or omission on his part.

That's exactly it. Because there is nothing about his personality that would prevent you from having romantic feelings toward him, the fact that you haven't developed anything beyond platonic affection after three dates leads me to believe you should turn him loose.

If you remain friends and you develop feelings toward him in the future, then you can maybe explore those more at a later date. However, because he's declared his romantic feelings toward you -- that you do NOT share -- accepting any more dates from him would be stringing him along. It wouldn't be fair to him to accept his dates out of a sense of obligation to try to foster feelings you haven't already developed.

Well, he has not asked me out for a fourth date yet. I asked him to give me some time- he said "all the time in the world". He is not pressuring me- THANK GOD. I will try not to pressure myself.

I do feel like a fool for not feeling the same way for such a great person. There are very few good men left. And he treats me well, is my type, and we have enough in common. Not a perfect match- I would be lying if I said there were no negotiations- but certainly no red flags or even compromises. If he does want biological children for sure, I WILL have to let him go. But otherwise, I cannot think of anything else.

I am glad he said it would not change anything. And I told him that we would always be friends regardless, since that is what we are. He seemed to understand.

I do wish him the best, whether it happens or not.

You can't talk yourself into having feelings you don't have. Don't worry about your "type", red flags, and what a great person he may be. If there's no chemistry, then there's no chemistry. Plain and simple. No need to over-think things.

Thank goodness for this thread. I just went out with someone new on Tuesday. The date was fine, conversation was fine, he was fine, everything was...fine. However, I felt guilty because although he's very nice, I just didn't feel anything for him and just see him as someone to hang out with. So, Scandia, I get what you're going though.

MTSUGURL, great advice! :)

Yeah, you're right. I feel the same way. I'm really quiet especially when I 1st meet someone. I really have to like the girl and have a lot in common with her to get me talking. The biggest thing is, if she can make me laugh, then that's the 1st sign that I may want to continue to go out with her on more dates. I've dated women that I had nothing in common with. When I say nothing, I mean when we have gone out to eat it's so quiet that we can hear each other eating. Baaaaaaaaaaaaad date. :p For the most part, I know within the 1st 5 minutes of the date if I like her or not.

Exactly. There has to be a certain "chemistry" for guy and I to even be friends. IF we can't communicate and have fun together at that point, then I hold no hope for the future.

It sounds like what you're trying to decide right now is whether you should try to settle for this guy, because you think you might never find someone better. Only you can make that determination, but unless your biological clock is ticking and you want to start popping out the kids really soon (which isn't the case), I can't imagine why you'd even consider this kind of settling.

Stop saying he's your "type." It's something that will end with you in a crappy loveless marriage. Well, maybe I'm being dramatic, but still.

A lot of relationships and marriages eventually turn into friendships with no chemistry left - whether the 2 people involved can deal with that is up to them. Starting at that point is kind of like buying a bottle of 600 aspirin w/ a March expiration date on February 28.

Two would be my limit. However I would continue to talk to that person who knows a friendship might evolve.

33girl- I only stated that he is my type as supporting evidence to the fact that I honestly cannot pinpoint any reason why I have not developed feelings for him like he did for me. I do know that many friendships blossom into love- but before going on that first date, usually one or both is having feelings for the other. I do not think this is my case :( I certainly do not want to marry someone, or even get into a relationship with someone, without those feelings.


Valkyrie- I don't want kids. Nor do I have kids that need a father desperately. It's more a question of, how do I put this, I want a paladin. I do not want someone who is significantly more experienced than I am. Nor do I want to negotiate on so many things. Sure sure, this guy was not a perfect match and there were negotiations- but no dealbreaking ones. I want a prince, not a cheap imitation that another one has used up already.

Consensus says- considering someone whom I'm not feeling anything for IS settling indeed. Not negotiation- SETTLING.

I'm still glad everyone has given input, for future reference. I do wish to experience those feelings- but even from date one, I could tell that this guy and I would not have super high chemistry. I just did not think that it would be nonexistent on my side.

While I would have never came up with an analogy as cool as 33girl's... she makes a valid point. As a relationship progresses, the chemistry will eventually cool and the friendship aspect will be come more paramount. So a mental connection is definatly important. But there HAS to be a physical connection. Otherwise it's like trying to play "realtionship" with someone who is nothing more than a friend.....

Many people have made that point that sparks are highest at the beginning or when both realize they are in love with each other.

Sadly, I am not feeling any physical chemistry towards him.

Not only that, but another friend noticed lack of mental chemistry from what I wrote. She noticed that I did not pinpoint any specific things we discussed or he said or did. That I sounded like I was describing a perfectly pleasant man who did not make me laugh, think, or wonder. That I showed no more enthusiasm towards him than towards somebody I was writing a business reference for.

And of course, I am not feeling anything special emotionally.

Another dead end. But I did learn something- that I DO need the chemistry and sparks, that it is NOT a good thing that they were so low, that they ARE what distinguish a relationship from the rest of the friendships, that no matter if he meets the requirements and falls within my preferences (not that he met all or was the prototype of what I would want), if that spark is missing, it IS settling.

There are not very few good men left. That kind of thinking makes women get involved with a nice guy for whom they have no feelings because they fear they will not meet anyone better. That's not fair to you or to him. You cannot force yourself to feel attraction or chemistry for someone no matter how nice or cute he is.

Dating can and should be fun. I hope that you meet someone with whom you feel a connection and that the feeling is mutual. Until then, go out and have fun. :)

You spoke the "Language of Love", baby. Sorry, I couldn't resist. ;) :p


Same here.

I wouldn't say that there are "very few good men" left. There are men who are newly single, being that they are separated or divorced; I think of these guys as "recycled". When I was in my 20s, I thought I would never date someone who is divorced, let alone divorced with kids. Now, I am doing just that (and he is a gem). From your MySpace page, I see that you are 29, therefore, at this age, you are going to start to encounter guys who are divorced/separated, etc.

My point is, if you do not want to have children & fear disappointing or rejecting someone because they want children, you may wish to be open to dating divorced dads. Some of them may not necessarily want to have *additional* children. (although the kids will be in his life on weekends, etc....not sure how you feel about that). That could be a possibility.

I also saw that you would like someone to be your paladin...(yes, I had to look it up) ;)
1 : a trusted military leader (as for a medieval prince) - a bit of a tall order for a guy...a lot of pressure
2 : a leading champion of a cause - a guy who is supportive and is "your champion"...yeah, that sounds pretty good!

eta: If you met on MySpace, I take it that this is a situation where this was basically internet dating? In my experience, you need to talk on the phone too, before you meet in person. If you communicate only via MSN or email or whatever, you can't get a good read on what they'll be like. I've met people in person where the email/MSN was good, but the phone call was "bad". It was bad to meet them in person also....they could not hold a conversation.

You see, I would very much prefer someone who is as inexperienced as I am, to put it nicely. I am very very much avoiding divorced/widowed/experienced men, as well as parents. I have certain morals, and would prefer someone who shares and follows them as well. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation.

See my concern about the few good men? See why I usually go for younger men? I want someone with a similar experience level who shares my moral values about this.

While I would feel comfortable with say, someone's little sibling or niece/nephew coming to live with us, I do not think I could deal with someone who has children- especially if there is the whole custody/visitation scenario.

Now you see why I genuinely tried so hard with this fellow.

Scandia,
You should really think more positively about your situation. There are plenty of "good men" left. You may have to do a lot more negotiating than you thought. Don't settle for this guy! You will drive yourself crazy if you try to get into a relationship that lacks a certain chemistry. When I was in graduate school, I had two short term relationships that lacked a certain "spark". With the first guy, I had NO physical attraction; we remained friends and that didn't even work. The second guy and I were so different that I practically drove myself nuts trying to make it work. I couldn't even be friends with the second guy because he was just so wrong for me.

Very rarely is it easy to remain friends with someone you dated... even if "dated" means going on a handful of dates. Only once in my adult life have I beel able to be good friends with someone I met through an online dating site (the onion/spring street networks).

I wouldn't say a divorced man is necessarily bad. People enter marriages for really wrong reasons- thankfully, he left when he did. (If he cheated on her, that's different. If she cheated on him, I don't blame him for leaving.) While it is hard, you can't really fault someone for being widowed. I'd say stay away from separated guys until the divorcer is final- but that's just what I'd do.

Additionally, people have had great luck with match and eharmony- give 'em a shot! Keep us posted!