Exclusivity -- too soon?
 

Situation:

Woman goes on pretty lame date (dinner and errand-like shopping) with guy. She doesn't seem to be into him and even makes a list of things that bugged her and why she's not into him.

Three days later, woman goes on second date with guy. This time, something "clicks" and she digs him.

A few days later, guy says he wants woman to "be his girlfriend."

My response: TOO SOON!!!!!!!!!!

Woman's response: Why?
_______

So here's my question -- why is it too soon, or am I wrong?

My first thought is that unless you're a teenager, bringing up the exclusivity issue (which is what "be his girlfriend" means to me) after the second non-spectacular date reeks of desperation and/or creepy. I think there is something wrong with a person who would do that, and running for the hills might be a good idea. If you disagree, please explain.

A lot of people our age simply don't understand casual dating. I don't know why, but it's true. They go on more than one date with someone and it's automatically a relationship.

Unless there's an amazing connection, which there wasn't the way you describe it, it's way too soon. I'm guessing the woman is desperate for anything male and hooking on to the first thing that asks.

Likewise, it sounds like the guy is desperate for anything female and leeching on to the first woman who makes it through date #2. And yes, I think that's creepy. (It also makes me wonder what date #3 must be like - it probably includes discussions about marriage and kids, and IMO date #3 is WAY too soon for that type of conversation.)

There's a strong chance that both he and she are 'desperate' (as the other 2 responses have noted) - I'm not sure that's the right word, but I think there's some 'needy' behavior at the least, and I'm sure you get where I'm going even if I can't find the correct term.

There's also a non-zero chance she's (frankly) full of shit about the first date - probably because she felt like she SHOULDN'T be into him (most likely b/c he doesn't make much money, isn't very attractive, is way older/younger, rapes babies, whatever). This explains the 'list' too - why make a list, after one date, of stuff you don't like about a dude? Why not just not go on another date?

I don't want to pretend to do this for a living, but honestly I'd guess she's full of shit here, and the second-date reaction is much closer to the 'truth' . . . it's still weird though, I don't know that having that conversation in that form is really all that necessary.

Casual dating (i.e. dating multiple people)...hmm...I guess I've never met several good looking people within a short time span of each other, let alone good looking AVAILABLE people, to be able to date more than one at once. You just don't come across them that often, in my book.

I know valkyrie will appreciate where I am coming from, since she is attracted to TEH HOT.

Case-by-case basis. If they feel whatever they feel then I'm happy for them. People CAN break up. It's not like she said she got married to him.

You can know someone for 20 years and not know them as well as you know someone else who you've known for 2 months.

I've never met someone my age who didn't know what casual dating is. We seem to have that down to a T. But we're in the 29 to 32 age range so we've had enough dating and are ready to settle down. Not just with anyone and not just from a first date, though.

I have however noticed that older people don't know what casual dating is. They think it means that you two see each other when you have time, but that you don't see other people on the side. :confused: It's like they want you all to themselves but only when they feel like being bothered with little to no expectations. But then they want you to cater to them and do things for them like you're all into them. BLAH to that. :rolleyes: :p

HAHA yes.

Anyway, I've decided to stay out of the situation because really, who am I to tell someone that I'd run like hell away from a guy who is socially retarded enough to want some sort of commitment after a trip to Target and a movie. If this works for them, cool -- and maybe it will, until she realizes that he greatly outweighs her on the needy scale, at which point she'll dump him to shack up with the dramariffic ex she will always want but can't really have OR some type of tattooed biker who wears a wallet chain and leaves a trail of knocked up women across the country before settling in a small apartment above a greasy spoon in Trenton, New Jersey. Ahhh, young love!

That said, let this be a lesson to you, people of GC -- don't talk about commitment after two dates.

Are you drunk?

Not yet, but soon.

The weekend has begun.

Conversely, would wanting to start dating exclusively after a month with 4 dates that went well be considered too soon?

if there's a real connection felt by both parties and if you both hate casual dating, no. rock on.

Like anything, it's up to the individuals in question. However, in my experience, if you start dating someone and you're both really into each other, you have waaaaay more than four dates in a month.

yes I agree. More like 4 dates in a week or week and a half.

Nope. I assume they talk in between dates and get to know each other that way.

However, that's kind of funny to literally do a date per week. I opt to do more lunch and dinner dates during the week, in addition to seeing what's up for the weekend. But if you're dating more than one person you can get very busy and tired juggling all of that. So I guess a date per week for one guy makes sense afterall.

I definitely agree. :)

The only exceptions would be if both people are super busy (or they are buying into that crap about playing hard to get and acting unavailable :rolleyes: ).

These days, exclusivity = "I don't want to wear a condom, so I'll tell you I'm not sleeping with anyone else."

I thought the date per week thing was normal. Two maximum. That's the way it's always been with me.

When I read these dating/relationship/sex threads I feel like I live in a different universe. Or, maybe it isn't me, it's the people I used to hang with live in another universe. :confused:

Probably because you wanted it that way and/or your schedule called for it. If you and another person couldn't get enough of each other and were more spontaneous, maybe you'd do more than 2 dates a week. ;)

what is considered a date? out to dinner? spending any time anywhere? I don't think going to Target is a "real" date. And a movie, yeah, I'd need to talk to you before you are my girlfriend, you can't just butter the popcorn in the dark.

A "date" doesn't have to be something formal. It could just be any form of quality time. But having a formal date is still very necessary to win someone over and keep their interest.

I also think exclusive couples should schedule dates so they can keep the charm, romance, and excitement going.

okay, yeah i get that, but target? come on now.

I was trying to think of reasons why a guy who wants to win me over would want to hang out with me at Target. :confused: Perhaps Target would be a quick stop before or after our REAL date.

Hee.

I think the people from my original post went out to dinner and then stopped at Target for something she had to get. I do think it qualifies as a "date," but I wouldn't find it appealing at all -- I'd never want to spend my first date with someone running an errand, even as part of a date. That doesn't bode well for any sense of excitement or romance, in my opinion.

I wouldn't mind if it didn't take long, especially if he was buying snacks to smuggle into the movie theater. :p

well if she needed to stop that is one thing, i thought that was his idea of a date and i thought "wow, valkyrie has some strange friends" but now it makes a little more sense

Maybe she was stopping off at TARGET to buy her wedding dress, since you know, they were all exclusive and all dat. She sounded like classaaaaay folk, after all. ;)

HEE. :D

If I were him, I would just have fun with her. Too little time and too many women.;)