How to Soothe This Pain???
 

:confused: I am soo not this person - meaning normally, I don't post to message boards. In fact, I've never done it before, so if I break any rules or protocols, I'm so sorry. I'm just a heart broken mom looking for answers.

I want to make it clear that everything you read here is accurate and honest. Otherwise, how could I expect honest help from you all. Our daughter went through Rush at UGA last week, and we are still reeling from the experience. I wasn't in a sorority in college. I had no preconceived notions about them. We have only lived in GA - right in a surrounding county of Athens - for 10 years. Our daughter wanted to Rush, so we supported it.

She's one of those "whole package" kids: Honors and AP classes, great g.p.a., scholarships to both University of Louisville and Indiana University as well as UGA, three pages of activities and volunteer'isms (literally! we really had a hard time cutting things out to fit on the one page Rush registration form), very well liked, and, of course, stunningly beautiful - blonde hair, green eyes, the whole nine yards.

She knows a couple of girls in each of the sororities, some more than others. She had wonderful letters of recommendation for most of the houses. She wore very nice dresses, shoes, accessories, etc - name brands everyone would recognize (which absolutely kills me to mention). After round one she had several "favorites", but loved her experience at all the houses. She truly felt welcomed at each house and with one exception, that she had really made a connection with all the young ladies sent to interact with her. At the end of round one she struggled to rank the houses.

Round Two: She was very excited to get her invitation card on the morning of the second round. To her disappointment (you knew this part was coming), she had only three invitations for second round. She was still very interested in the three remaining houses, but obviously feeling pretty rejected. After we talked on the phone that morning, she picked herself up and headed out. That evening, she ranked the day's house visits as one, two, and three.

Round Three: There was no round three. She received a call from her recruitment counselor that morning letting her know that there would be no need to come to Rush that day, as she had been cut from the remaining three houses.

She was devastated, is devastated, and because she is in so much pain - so am I. All of her friends from our county received 8 to 12 invitations to round two. All of the girls from our county received bids on bid day except four and one of those declined a "snap bid" (I think that's the term). So actually three girls from our county did not receive a bid at all. My daughter was the only one cut so drastically. She managed the courage to keep her name on the open bid list, but nothing has materialized to date.

I spent two days with her after she was cut. She is a level-headed girl with a great sense of identity. She was everyone's go-to girl in high school. As I said, well-liked and successful, and she has had her share of disappointments and handled them well. She could put things in perspective. But, this has been more than she can process - cut by all 18 sororities in two days when her visits had seemed to go so well!

She wasn't holding out for any particular group, she had no preconceived ideas about the houses, and as she always does in all areas of her life, she didn't judge any of the groups by labels or the rumor mill. She would have been happy to have received a bid from any of the houses.

In reading some of the threads about UGA rush, am I understanding that of the 1300 girls participating, 900 of them recieved bids? She and I are both struggling so hard to make sense of what has happened. I have given her the talk about "it just being about getting the numbers down, etc.", but she hasn't been able to accept it. She knows that several of the girls from our county who received bids don't have her academic, work, and volunteerism record, nor do they have her outgoing personality. They weren't legacies either. She's convinced that something went wrong.

I don't want this to sound like "sour grapes" or a "my kid can walk on water" speech. We're a well grounded, realistic family with two well grounded, realistic kids. Our daughter gets grounded, receives an allowance, does chores (even now - when she's home), etc...

What do I tell her at this point? Her Rush experience was so completely different from that of everyone she knows - all of her hallmates, friends, and other acquaintances. How do I help her?

I'm so sorry for the incredibly long post. Has anyone else had this experience? How do I help her get over the overwhelming feelings of rejection?

Thank you, GaMom

GAMom, please check your private messages.

It's stories like this that absolutely break my heart. I wish I could give you some reasons why it happened but I can't. All you can do is be the loving Mother you obviously are and be there for her. Life does go on.

Jocelyn was right too, for many young women this is the first time they have ever not gotten something they set their mind on. While it's little consolation now, in the long run hopefully it will make her a stronger person.

Above all, I hope she (and you) does not become bitter towards the Greek system as a whole because of this disappointing experience.

Sending you and your daughter my best wishes.

I have to give you daughter credit for even trying to rush at a cut-throat school like UGA. It must be crazy when you have 1300 perfect candidates. I know sororities at my school would be fighting like ravenous wolves over this PNM.

Sounds like my experience at UF. I was in a very similar position- except that I was the class nerd in high school, and while I am pretty and dress well, I sure am not the beauty standard (I have dark hair and eyes- I'm Mediterranean). UF was just as cut-throat, if not tougher.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. I hope she tries again next year.

No, definately not bitter. I know some wonderful women that are products of UGA's Greek system. In fact, two of them in particular have have been so wonderful to us this week. I don't know how they manage Rush week here. They are well known members of this community and write several recommendations for Rush every year - they are both from very well known sororities. One is an alumni coordinator during Rush, and the other's daughter rushed this time with mine. Yet, they have both been amazingly warm and comforting. What an awful position for each of them to be in, having to comfort a friend who's daughter was cut so early when one had to witness so much painful cutting at the house, and the other's daughter got her first choice. These women have tender and generous hearts.

Thank you for your kind and comforting words. I do have another question. Isn't it only proper for my daughter to send notes to all the women who wrote letters on her behalf, and if so, how does she phrase this?
Thanks, GaMom

Okay, I just did a quick search. UGA has 25,000 undergrads and ~20% of women are sorority members. The numbers are a little less for guys but let's assume 20%. So roughly 80% of the student population is NOT Greek which means your daughter is in the company of 20,000 other students. That's a lot of non-Greeks. And there are (according the UGA website) over 500 clubs to become involved in. In other words, there is life after not getting into a sorority.

Now I do not mean in any way, shape or form to diminish your pain and your daughter's pain. I have been in a similar position and I complete and totally understand how much you and she are hurting right now. I feel very, very badly for you both. There is no alternative but to pick yourselves up and keep going. (It might also help to stop comparing to the others from your county). You don't know why she wasn't picked and why someone else was and you won't ever know.

You're being a good supportive mom and giving her what she needs right now: a safe place to be.

I believe that the best way to make it in to a sorority - particularly the second time around if she decides to re-rush (and I have no idea how hard it is for sophomores at UGA) is to know a lot of girls already in the house. She sounds like a wonderful girl with a lot to offer the school and I'd encourage her to get out there and get involved.

The pain will be tough to take but it will definitely lessen over time - I wish you both good luck.

While a follow-up to the women who wrote her recs is greatly appreciated and something she should do (esp. if she may go through recruitment a second time and need to secure new recs for the next recruitment cycle), but she may want to wait a week or so until she is feeling back to being normal.

She should phrase it in her own words, but something along the lines of:


Dear ALUMNA,
Thank you so much for your kindness and time in helping me secure sorority recommendations. While recruitment did not end as I'd hoped, I'm very excited to be attending UGA and plan to get involved with campus life! This semester, I have a full course load and I'm living in a dorm with some wonderful girls. I love the school! Thank you again for all your help. While sorority membership is not in the cards for me at this time, I hope for a future opportunity and would like to stay in touch with you. Wishing you all the best.

Sincerely,
GADaughter

Yes. Any rec writer would appreciate any news--even if it isn't the best news!

adpiucf's draft was great! A week or two does help, but she should definitely send something, even if it turns out she doesn't go through Recruitment. Writing recs is a long process, and us alumnae like to know how things turned out--no matter what.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

I'd say it has more to do with your odd habits & hobbies.

Scandia, plenty of class nerds get bids, and plenty of women who are not blonde get bids, too. Please let's keep this thread on track.

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughters experience. Having attended UGA, I know all too well how difficult the rush process is and every year there are wonderful, outstanding women who for whatever reason do not end up with a bid. I hope she will consider COR or rush again if she chooses. Sounds like she has an wonderful and supportive mom which is most important for her right now. Best wishes to you both.

OK, this thread is breaking my heart. My daughter went through rush 6 years ago and I can remember the anticipation, and her pain of getting cut from a group during the process. She was picked by her first choice, but she had an opportunity to meet girls during a freshman "leadership camp" the summer before, and her campus was not nearly as competitive as some I have read about on this board. I have a question now....is something like this a good argument for having deferred rush? A time for the pnm's to get to know the different groups and for the groups to really get to know the pnm's??

She may still yet get to experience Greek life...I have no doubt she will make friends and be invited to parties and events and a bid may await her down the road. If not, there are so many organizations out there. She sounds like a leader, and she'll find a place for herself. (((hugs)))to mom and daughter.

I would not be shocked if many girls like me got bids at other schools.

But UF is as tight as it can get.

It might be now, but it wasn't a few years ago. There were a few "geeks" in my class, and they got into sororities at UF.

But this thread isn't about your rush experience a decade ago, unless you have real solid advice for GaMom.

I really hope that GaMom's daughter will not experience and hold on the same bitterness that you seem to harbor.



GaMom, i'm sure it will be tough, but there is SO much out there for her to explore her freshman year. If anything, this may open her up to opportunities that she may not have noticed if she was tied up in the sorority experience. Pledging a sorority is very time consuming- not only with mandatory events, but even just the desire to hang out with the new sisters. The sorority can consume their life.

I hope that she uses this as an opportunity to see where life takes her this year. I didn't pledge my freshman year (granted, I went to a northern school with a fairly small greek life), and I'm very happy that I waited until my sophomore year. I had the chance to get involved in a lot of activities, and get to know women in the various sororities. Young women change and grow up a lot in college, and I think having time to digest it all and try to figure out what kind of person they want to be is NOT a bad thing.

Who knows? She may decide sorority life isn't for her and getting cut was the best thing to happen to her. Or she may decide that she really wants to give it a try again.

She may have been intimidated, because as has been said, there are just SO many fabulous young women going through rush at these schools. There are so many girls that were the big fish in the little high school pond, and then they're all dropped together in the ocean (cliche, I know). And that takes some adjustment. And it may have made her shy or a little unsure of herself. Of course, we could conjecture forever.

Bottom line is that she WILL get over it and I truly hope she finds other things to sink her time into. Being in a sorority IS a wonderful experience, but there are so many other worthwhile things to get involved in while in college as well.

Thank you!! You ladies are so great! I will absolutely pass along the draft of ADPiUCF's note. I know my daughter will appreciate all your kind words just as I have. You are all credits to your organizations!
GaMom

GaMom,
I am so sorry that you and your daughter are having to go through this (and please ignore the idiots who are trying to hijack this thread). My daughter went through the same thing, and we didn't understand why...but to tell you the truth, there is probably no answer to that. With 1,300 women going through, things are crazy, and sororities that HAVE to whittle down their invitations use the most ludicrous reasons for cutting.
The good news is that she is eligible for COB now, or for spring informal recruitment later. She can take her time to get to know people, get involved in a couple of activities, give her studies the attention they deserve. And if she is later invited to join a sorority, it's icing on an already scrumptious cake.
My daughter did join a sorority, her first choice, about a month after formal recruitment ended.
And the truth is, she recovered from the hurt WAY quicker than I did.
Things WILL work out.
:o

AnchorAlum makes a wonderful case, and I wish I had said it myself. One of PNMs for whom I wrote a rec two years ago was in the identical position,
"the whole package" girl, cut by the third round. Now, this wasn't an SEC school, but it was a similar one, so since there was no room for COR, she decided to remain friends with the women she met in her Rho Gamma group. She met them for lunch or dinner, scheduled her classes with them, and planned movie nights for them. Sure, there were times when one or the other couldn't make it - but they all stayed friends, even over the summer.

So, when she went through recruitment as a sophmore, with an excellent GPA and desirable activities, she already had a friendship base with the other sophmores in her former Rho Gamma group AND several other sisters. She had an amazing schedule for a sophmore, and got the bid from her first choice (which she said was a very hard decision!). Best of all, these women are still all friends!

GaMom, if I could wish one thing for you, it would be that your daughter finds the very best way for her to ease her pain. I hope you convey to her the many women on GreekChat who would love to hug her and let her know that it will be alright! You, as a mom, are awesome!

GaMom, please check your PM box.

Giant hugs to you and your daughter, and yellow flowers.

I am so sorry!! Please follow what these ladies that know the climate at these schools are suggesting if that is the path your daughter is intending to stay in pursuit of...

I can feel your pain as a mother wanting to make things right. You are a good lady and I am sure your daughter IS the "total package".

Keep in touch...I have seen the people on these boards rally around people in situations like this and be a great support to them!!

other options
 

I feel your pain and that of your daughter. In addition to the advice about keeping her options open for later membership opportunities, I want to suggest a somewhat different direction. My daughter has found that attending a group at UGA like Crossroads, Wesley, RUF, and/or Campus Outreach has provided her with a much-needed peer group, composed of friends from her own sorority, other greeks, and people who are not involved in greek life.

I just want to hug your daughter. I know she's hurting - and you're a wonderful mom to be right there hurting with her and comforting her. When I was cut, my mom replied with, "What's the big deal?" You are doing everything right in this situation.

I hope that your daughter will get involved in other areas on campus- and from what you've said about her, I believe she will get involved rather than moping her first year. (Although she is definitely entitled to ice cream and pj's for a major moping session.) I hope that she finds activities that she truly loves on campus, and should she desire to try recruitment again, I hope that she will have a wonderful result.

For the moment, lots of hugs and kudos to you for your handling of your little girl.

Ga Mom, please check your pm's.

FSU Mom

I'm sorry things didn't work out for your daughter. Just continue to be there for her as you have been doing all along.

While I am sure it hurts, but is there a chance that she can join another House?

While it may sound crass, things do happen.

One of My own low number Brothers (54) joined a Fraternity across the steet from ours.

We all got over it and He was happy so all was good.:)

As some have said, COB or I think a new wording COR is still a posibilty.

The best of Luck to your daughter.

GAMom:

Please know there are others who have felt your pain. Several years ago, my daughter had the "perfect rush," with no cuts. When it came down to ranking her final choices prior to Pref, she ended up with her top two choices, and that is what she preffed (at her school, you only pref a maximum of two groups).

After Pref, she ranked her choices and signed her pref card. However, she did not "match" and therefore did not receive a bid.

Certainly, she was disappointed, particularly when she found out she was the only PNM who did not "match." However, she also recognized that had she changed the order of her choices, there might have been a different outcome. Oh, the coulda, shoulda, wouldas of life!

In retrospect, my daughter said it would have been better to have been cut earlier in the process and left with fewer choices, instead of having the "perfect rush" end as it did.

While my daughter's experience isn't quite the same as your daughter's experience, GA Mom, I do understand the pain. The good thing is, life goes on and if your daughter is anything like mine, she will be just fine.

i am sorry that your daughter's experience ended this way. it is wonderful that you are able to be there for her and to support her through this disappointment. when i was in college, i had broken up with a serious boyfriend and he ended up dating one of my sisters...who i also happened to live with. he basically lived at our house and it was horrific. my mom gave me a heart shaped ring and told me that although she was unable to be with me all the time, she wanted me to know that whenever i hurt, she hurt too. she told me the ring was to remind me that no matter where i was or what was happening that she would always be there taking some of my pain. it was wonderful (and made me cry harder). i still wear it when things are crazy in my life or when i just need my mom.

The problem, is it does happen.

The price of a Big School is still numbers and that is what the NPC is trying to control is numbers and equallity among chapters at schools.

It can and does happen sadly enough.

The problem seems to be, that the most imortant things is not getting into a certain GLO as a Legacy.

What should be important is the feelings of the person and how she feels with the GLOs that she has come in contact with.

She may feel closer to those that she is not supposed to be by the legacy of Family.

She may have been much happier joining another and would not feel bad if she as a daughter and legacy would feel about?

It does happen many times over and wiil keep happening.

It is her life. Just try to be happy for Her if she finds a GLO that she feels right with.:)

Her daughter was not a legacy. If you had actually read GaMom's post, you would have seen that.

mom, please add my hugs to everyone elses-i cannot begin to imagine how hurt your daughter and you are feeling right now. i do hope that she is able to bounce back , carry her head high, get involved on campus and make lots of friends in the dorm and in her classes.

honeychile(as always) gave some wonderful advice and ucfadpi's sample letter was excellent!! please be sure to share their wise words with your daughter.

If I could I would give your daughter a hug. I can't imagine the pain she is feeling.

I know it's not the same, but I transferred to another school and the chapter I was hoping to affiliate with denied my affiliation. I was absolutely heartbroken. I didn't understand why one chapter thought I was good enough to be their sister but this one didn't. I was so upset to the point where I removed my ADPi license plate from my car, took off my lavalier and stopped wearing my letters. I felt betrayed and didn't want to be associated with the sorority. I eventually put my license plate holder back on my car, started wearing my lavalier and letters again. And eventually a wonderful sister explained to me the details of my affiliation fiasco. I'm now actively involved with my sorority. I'm in my second year of philanthropy chair for the local alum association and I'm on the committee to recolonize my chapter of initiation. Everything turned out wondefully because I just let time heal my wounds.

I know what happened to me and what happened to your daughter aren't the same situations, but like I said, time heals all wounds. This too will pass and she will only grow and become stronger because of it. :)

I'm sure I sound really corny, but :D

YES.

If I had had to rush straight out of high school, I would NEVER have gotten a bid - and I'd wager there are many other people on here w/ the same story.

another mom..
 

GAMom, check your pm's

COB/Another Rush
 

I do feel bad for her but the GC gang should not be so quick to recommend that she try COB or going through rush again. UGA obviously has a very competative rush and this may not be a realistic option. Pretending that it is will may only delay her realizing that she will probably not join a sorority at UGA and should spend her time and efforts finding a non-greek group of friends and non-greek activities to become involved in.

But there is a chance that some sororities will COB (I can think of one offhand) and there IS a chance she can rerush next year. She should spend time making new friends, because that's an important part of college, but she shouldn't completely close the door on rushing.

my two cents
 

I went through rush and dropped out. I was crushed that many groups that I thought I wanted cut me. (I was trying to impress a boy, rather than choose for myself.)

At the time, I didn't think my mom was sympathetic enough, but in hindsight I think the way she encouraged me to get over it and not regard it as the end of the world helped.

I was disposed to think an unsuccessful rush was the end of the world, and my mom knew that life went on, and that if a bad sorority rush was the worst think that ever happened to me, I’d had a pretty easy life.

Inadvertently, your efforts at helping her may make her think it was important to you, and that she let you down

So maybe rather than offering her more ways to resolve rush in the way she thought it would go, a touch of my mom’s “get over it” attitude might help her keep things in perspective.

And, later if she really wants to COB or COR, or even go through rush again next year, she can. But she’ll know that those are only a couple of the options that she’ll have at college.

I tend to think your daughter is probably a great young woman and that the sororities made a mistake by not offering her a bid. Really, it’s their loss. Your daughter should go on and do all the other activities that she thought she might do, make good grades, and generally be the awesome young woman she is.

Please accept my best wishes for your daughter. This is the part I hate - so many incredible candidates with simply not enough slots available.

I hope she acconmplishes every other goal she sets for this Fall, including the making of new friends, grades and association with one of the many fine activities they offer at your phenomenal university.

My daughter is currently rushing at FSU and called me today crying hysterically because she did not get asked back to her 2 top picks out of 7 she submitted last night. In the list of 5 she rec'd today, there was only 1 house that she was interested in...the remaining 4 were ones that she had put on a "do not like" list. I told her she had the option to redraw, or she could take her chances with the final bids, however, it becomes her "choice" whether she wants to run the risk of being dropped. We will know tomorrow whether she gets asked back to her #1 pick.

This is the largest pledge class yet @ FSU - 1400 girls with 800+ openings. This means over 43% of the girls will not be placed in houses. I, too, can emphathize with the UGA mom. This is a painful experience for the ones who do not get a bid. Had my daughter researched more about the pledging experience, she might have reconsidered -- no one likes rejection.

My best to the UGA Mom - sounds like she has the love and support of a wonderful family.