How long would you wait until your SO popped the question?
 

Since there are 6549851325675231 other questions about knowing when you're in love/wanting to get married/everything else, I thought I would add to the chaos.

So, if you were dating a guy, how long would you wait for him to pop the question? A couple of years, 4-5 years, forever?

Once you get to be my age, the 2-year rule is instituted. More power to the girls who hang on for 9+ years, move in together and have babies in a common law marriage. Not my deal.

/Have I mentioned I'm single? ;)

ETA: The 2 year rule is more for us older gals, but you should do whatever makes you happy.

Well, I personally don't give a rat's ass about getting married, so I'd say forever.

I haven't, and don't picture myself waiting for a man to ask me. The relationships I have been in where marriage was a possibility it would have been discussed before hand and it would be a mutual decision. A factor in that is that I have my grandmother's engagement ring and plan to wear it. Not to say that if after we discuss getting married and we both agree we're going in that direction I would be uspet if he did some goofy thing to ask me, but I plan to see it coming.

I don't know -- it bothers me when women have this attitude. First, I think it implies that, as a woman, OF COURSE you want to get married from the getgo and you're just setting an arbitrary deadline by which the guy you're dating better be on board with your plans.

In terms of relationships, two years is not a very long time -- especially if you're going to marry this person and "spend the rest of your life with him" -- that could be what, sixty more years. So two years is a tiny, tiny speck of that time. What if you start dating this guy when you're, say, 20 years old? You want to be getting engaged and married at 22? Unless you're in rural Amish country, I think that for almost all people, that's WAAAAAY too young.

What's the point of a two-year rule? What would be the harm in dating someone for longer than that without being engaged or married? What's the rush? Sometimes it seems that many young or youngish women see marriage as some sort of prize or some sort of milestone that MUST BE REACHED and THE SOONER THE BETTER.

Also, and this is getting off the topic a bit, but I really hate to hear people (and it's always women because guys don't talk this crazy shit) saying I can't wait to start our life together (or "start our new life together"), when referring to getting married. You and your significant other already HAVE a life together, whether you're married or engaged or living together or dating or holding hands at the library on Friday nights. That IS your life together. It really doesn't change much, if at all, after getting married. You started a life together when you started dating -- and I think it's very important for women in particular to be well aware that it's not going to change after you get married. (Of course, if you didn't live together before marriage, which I would never recommend, that will change.) This is why I think people shouldn't even CONSIDER marriage unless their relationship is pretty damn kickass. If you have a million problems before that, they're not going to magically go away or get better. They'll get worse or you'll get sick of dealing with them.

I know what to tell you.

-RC
--Good luck, I'll give you a ride to the corner.

I've been with my fiance for almost 3 years. We were engaged after one year and two months, and we are getting married on Saturday.

It's hard for me to say "I would only wait X amount of time." That being said, I really think that if you don't know that you want to be fully committed to someone after 2-3 years, why are you still with that person?!?

I can't speak for all women but, for me, it's about stability. I want to know that we will be together permanently and that he values me (and I him) enough to make it legal and binding. Is it the "begining of our life together"? NO, that began in 2003.

I don't have a maximum length of time. When the timing is right, I suppose.

However, if I am with a guy less than a year and he starts talking marriage, I get the heebie-jeebies.

I agree 100%. I met my fiance when I was 20 years old. If we had done the 2 year rule, we would have been married as soon as we graduated college. NO WAY! I wasn't ready and neither was he. We had been dating for a little over 5 years when he proposed (this past April). We wanted to wait until we were older, financially stable and had lived together for a year (in other words, knew that we could put up with each other as roommates!).

Like various people have mentioned, it depends on the age, maturity, and financial/career stability of the people involved.

If you meet at 20 when you are college sophomores or juniors, then the wait can and should be several years long.

If you meet at age 30 when your careers are stable and you know what you want in a person, then you can pop the question after a shorter time. Two years of dating sounds reasonable.

If a 17 year old is mentioning marriage to you after knowing you a short time and you are not even in a relationship, RUN.

Hell, even most Amish kids aren't finished with RUMSPRINGA! by that point.

2 to 3 years is very reasonable...
 

My time limit has always been 3 years, despite the fact that I am young, to declare one's intentions of where he sees the relationship going. Especially since I want to have kids and I do not want to be over 50 for the first college graduation. Although the health system allows us to have children far later than our ancestors would have dreamed, that does not mean we should be overly willing to encounter the risks that arise with childbirth beyond 37. The problem in our society is that women have a short period of time to decide if they want a family and how big it will be. Then she must decide when she is willing to settle down. This, in my opinion, happens before the future husband even comes into play. Most women know what they want and, despite the feared words of 'my biological clock is ticking', know that at some point the matter needs to be brought up. I would definately say that 2 to 3 years is a good time period to extend. If you wait longer, you may end up with someone that eventually changes their minds about what they want and then you are stuck in your prime doing the dating game when others are going along with their lives. There is this preconceived notion that one must get engaged and married within a certain amount of time. Most couples are engaged for awhile before they choose to take the final step. I look at an engagement as a statement that declares you want to spend your life with someone and they are absolutely important. At two to three years, a man should be willing to state his intentions as well as having a woman state her intentions. Otherwise, you are just playing around with each other and waiting for something better to come or for the bottom to drop out of the relationship.

Unless you're 34, I don't follow your logic.

Also, I get the sinking suspicion that 'declaring your intentions' is done with jewelry.

AMEN! I couldn't have said it better.

Before I met my husband, I always said date at least a year before even considering marriage...
Sometimes, people just connect though. I knew I wanted to marry my husband within a month of starting to date, he knew within 2 or 3. We started discussing marriage at about 4 months, were engaged by 5 months, and married 8 months after we first started to date. And no... there was no baby 9 months later. We just knew we wanted to be together, and life in the military sometimes forces your hand sooner then you expected. We expected to be married a year from when we first got engaged, but overseas tours somehow found their way into the mix of things.

Since knowing life happens, I wouldn't counsel friends one way or another on how long to wait. Maybe, you know and want to make it official right away, maybe you don't. Maybe you don't need to make it legally official to know how you care about one another. I guess whatever/whenever "floats your boat."

When I was younger I had a 2 year rule, thankfully when I met my now-FI that changed. We were engaged on our 3.5 anniversary..and will be getting married on our 5.5 (well, close to it):p

We've watched our friends get married already and it's quite scary...1-2 years just isn't enough to tell if it's going to be a right fit.

I'm getting married at 23, and I'm not Amish. I think the appropriate age to get married totally depends on the people involved. Of course, if my fiance and I had implemented the "two-year" rule, we would have been married at 19.

PS - I saw some girl last week wearing a shirt that said something about RUMSPRINGA on it and I thought of you.

I agree with you that "OMG we must get married by this time" rules are silly, but I also think the age/relationship time aspects are more case-by-case. My wife and I started dating at 21, were engaged at 23, and got married at 24. Some would say we were too young, but for us it was the right time.

Then again, I never was told that I had to propose by a certain date; I don't think ultimatums like that ever work.

I think that these two points are not only totally correct (that there's no way to set a time frame, and ultimatums are ridiculous), but also interrelated - you're more likely to get what you want if you stay away from the ultimatum and instead look toward being flexible in your timeframe.

take your time....
 

My husband and I met when we were in college, neither one of us was ready to get married - I still had things to do and so did he. We dated for 8 years (there were a few bumpy moments) before we got engaged. In September it will be 6 years we have been married and I have to say if we had done it earlier we would have never made it.

Most of my friends w/the exception of one that dated less than a year before getting pregnant (who are now divorced) they all were dating over 5 years. We all had some growing up to do. Marriage is NO JOKE and if someone thinks that is just roses everyday they need to turn off the Disney Channel. Marriage is work and responsibility and if you are not mature enough to deal with that drama every day you need to think seriously before saying "I do"

I'm not saying it can't work, marriage after a short dating period, but I personally know of that to work for folks in their 30's + or its their 2nd marriage.

My 2 cents (although it seems like more eah) is don't put time limits on when you get a ring on your finger

Every relationship is different. The only solid thing I would say is what KSigkid said: ULTIMATUMS NEVER WORK. If they do, it really wasn't as much of an ultimatum as the giver thinks it was - the other person just needed a push. Kind of like if you flip a coin to make a decision and it doesn't come out the way you want - "oh, I'll make it 2 out of 3...4 out of 5...etc etc". That coin flipping really didn't make the decision, it just showed you what you really wanted.

However, since it's often quite hard to determine if you will be doing that, and since the people who think they ARE usually AREN'T, I'll just go back to saying ultimatums never work. :)

The two year rule is the rule of thumb. It doesn't take forever and none of us are getting any younger. Pray over the relationship and ask God for direction and then listen to His answer even if that means ending a relationship that is going no where

I don't know. I know that I would like to marry my current significant other and that he feels likewise but we're not even going to be living in the same state until 2008 so in theory, it's not a big deal.

I do have a date in my head where if he doesn't have a ring on my finger I'm going to ask if we're sure this is going somewhere, but it's a pretty reasonable date IMO.

I have quite a few friends who suscribe to the 2-year theory who have been riding my ass lately. I've never understood why people always ask women when they're getting engaged. Like we know?

Haha. In Russia, it was believed that if a woman wasn't married by 22, then she was destined to be an old maid. My mom got married at 20. I'll be 23 next week. Every time my extended family sees me, all they ask is when's the wedding. Mind you I'm single. :rolleyes: At this point they've actually started apologizing to my parents and saying that there's no hope left for me. Gotta love dillusional relatives who think that things here are just like they were back in the old country.

Because they're being busybody assholes, that's why. These are the same people who will start bugging you about popping out 100 babies during the first minute of your wedding reception. Really, you should feel happy that you're doing interesting things with your life and have better things to do than worry about when anybody else is getting engaged -- and sad for the people who have nothing better to do than ask you invasive questions about your personal life. :D ;) :)

When I get married can I wear a stand up for choice pin on my wedding gown? ;)

I just got engaged Saturday. While I def. feel I had pushed a bit to have the "where is this going" conversation I certainly stayed away from ultimatums, which I believe are HORRIBLE, and was just happy to know we were on the same page together. I was pretty content to let the relationship go forward and let him decide himself when to propose.

And those are two totally different conversations - you do have the right to know where it's going.

I think many women who give ultimatums don't realize that he might not go along with it.

I agree with S. Each relationship is going to be different. I do think that after 2-3 years of dating you should have a fairly decent idea whether or not it will work for the long-term, but that doesn't mean you have to get engaged right this minute. And if/when you do get engaged, it doesn't mean you have to have the wedding within the year. I was 21 when I met my husband, engaged at 23 and married at 24. That worked for us, but might not for someone else.

I was married at 23, a year after graduating from college. We stayed married for 13 years - about 10 years longer than we should have! If I had to do it over, I prolly would have waited. yes, we lived together for a year before the wedding, but it wasn't enough. and, we were not mature enough to weather all the storms....

That being said, I'm in a relationship now - fairly new relationship, less than 2 months old, but it's with someone I've known for 20 years. We were already discussing the "M" word two weeks into dating, b/c we've both grown up and matured a LOT and know what we want from life and from a partner/mate.

Have I got a ring? No. Does it matter? No. Do I feel we'll get married? Yes - and we'll prolly elope, since he's not big into all the pomp and pagentry of a big wedding, and it would be my 2nd go-round at it.

CONGRATULATIONS! :) :D

I agree that the "where is this going" conversation is different from an ultimatum which can backfire badly.

This was exactly my situation. I was barely 20 when I started dating my husband, and at that point in time, marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. We dated for 6 years before getting engaged (maybe a little longer than I would have preferred). However, in Canada, we were still below the average age of marriage. I believe for women it is 30 (I was 27), and men 31-32 (my husband was 30).

Absolutely. There's a huge difference between "are we serious or are you screwing someone else on the side, let me know so I can get tested," and "you marry me in a year or ELSE!" One is a trust and safety issue, the other is being just annoying.

I do think, however, if you've been together for years and there's not much going on in terms of moving forward, it may be time to throw down the gauntlet.

I waited 5 years for my husband to propose - then again we met while I was still in high school.

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our two year mark yesterday. I can't, at this time, imagine getting engaged and married. Wait, let's back that up. I can imagine BEING engaged and married, but GETTING engaged and married, while we are currently in different cities and even different points in our lives, it's just not a possibility.

So we wait until we're both ready, regardless of how long it takes. I do believe that I had a time MINIMUM when we first started dating along the lines of "if you propose within the next two years I will look at you like you were a damned fool."

I got so much crap for waiting 6 years to propose.

Most of the people I know think 1 year is too long to wait.

I don't think there is a time. I've been dating my bf for almost 7 yrs. As long as you know that your significant other is committed to you long term, that's all that matters. :)

Because of this quote, and the one that you gave earlier in this thread, I would like to say that you are awesome. You should give advice like Dear Abby or Anne Landers (or Dan Savage...ha ha), but you would have a bit more "biting" language than the first 2, of course. ;)

Let's see:

when we're both stable: emotionally, financially, career-wise
when we're both mature enough to make a marriage work
when we're both ready to get married


I would weigh those factors rather than set a date. These things may take a while (0years to whenever).