How many times does your boyfriend/husband have to beat you until you leave him
 

So. Like the title of the thread says. How many times does your boyfriend/husband have to beat you until you leave him?


Or, if you are a lesbian. How many times does your man looking girlfriend/wife have to beat you until you leave her?

You should ask my friend K on the second part. :rolleyes: :mad:

I love how she tells me that "this is just the way guys are." Huh? I date real guys, not some chick who binds down her boobs with ACE bandages and wears a plastic penis...and they've never laid a hand on me.

That is hilarious, weird, sad and hilarious again.



I have a friend who got hit recently. She said "i aint puttin up with this shit. no ones ever hit me before. oh hell no". blah blah blah. wah wah wah.

She's still with him.

My first husband threw something in my general direction and that was enough for me to leave. I wasn't waiting around to get hit.

this thread is sad

no one should be getting hurt :(

:( :( :( I see you've never been in that situation. I hope you never are.

ONCE

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

Adding to what Drolefille said, there's also often self-esteem issues. In most cases, the physical abuse doesn't just come out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it's accompanied by, if not preceded by, mental/emotional/psychological abuse. Because, if a guy acts all wonderful and then out of nowhere starts smacking his girlfriend around, she'd probably think he's a psycho and get the hell out. But when it starts small, like with him complaining about her or the things she does, it'll sneak up on her. And he's able to do and say worse and worse things to her. And if someone's constantly told that they're not good enough and that no one else will ever love them or want them, it eventually erodes their self-confidence and they start believing that no one else will ever want them.

I stayed with an abusive boyfriend because of #2. I had to have him arrested and then I snuck away to where he couldn't find me. The first time he hit me, I hit him back. We used to fight hard. But, as time went by, he got too rough and he was too strong for me. I shouldn't have stayed (#3 kept me coming back plus I had a little of #4 because I knew I was hitting him back).

When I finally got away, I thought I was pathetic for not standing up to him, but then again he had threatened my friends and family and had pulled guns and knives on me. I was kinda at a loss for a while until I got the nerve to go to the police and explain what was happening.

It's not easy to get out once it starts. You REALLY have to leave at the first sign of trouble...not try to be tough.

Thanks for the hugs! It's ok now...I'm engaged to a man who doesn't retaliate, even verbally. He is the most gentle person I know. I learned my lesson well.

There is always a way. Many victims of abuse can't, or occasionally don't want to find it. But not finding it doesn't make them morons. Even physical abuse leads to self-esteem issues, and many women in abusive relationships grew up with it and so don't find their way out of it easily.

Those who don't grow up with abuse often get stuck in the relationship that becomes more and more abusive with time so there is more invested in the relationship and its even harder to break away.

Every victim should be able to leave and have a safe place to turn to. Not every victim has that place, or the ability now. :(

I was reading through Cosmo when I was visiting my pediatrician, and this month's column on dating advice clearly indicated that if you use a switch or a bowling pin on your wife early on, she'll respect your dominance and will never talk back.

-Rudey
--That Cosmo magazine is C-R-A-Z-Y

???
 

So what if your S/O is even keel and you're the one feeling like you're going crazy and losing it? Like you pick fights with him? Your self-esteem has already eroded and all you are waiting for is the hit to take the blame... I know that sounds rather masochistic, but some women are unable to operate unless they get that "swift kick in the pants"... That doesn't make it right, that's just the way some women might be... If the S/O decides to leave, homegirl retaliates by saying she'd kill herself... Where does that put the guy? Just asking?

This might sound harsh:
I say when a man hits you the first time, it is his fault
If he does it again, it is your fault

Get the hell out

My mother is a survivor of domestic abuse. She got rid of his ass about 20 years ago (husband #2...the biggest mistake of her life). I am a believer in if a cycle is not broken it will continue to the next generation. I vowed that no man would EVAH take his hand to me...

I always told anyone I dated "if ya decide to hit me, ya better kill me on the first blow...if not, G-d help ya!"

No man has ever been dumb enough to even THINK about it

So I say, if he hits you once, that is a hint and a half to get your ass out...especially if you have kids. It is your responsiblity to get out...

Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is okay to take his hand to a woman? Do you want your daughter to think it is okay to get hit?

Bottom line:
REAL MEN DO NOT TAKE THEIR HANDS TO WOMEN OR CHILDREN!!!!!

I'd say do it before they hit you. Guys (and girls) don't hit you out of the blue. Usually, they emotionally abuse you first. Get out then!

Thank you!

Yup as you guessed, I feel very strongly about this subject

Oh yeah, a restraining order ain't worth the paper it is written on...unless it is backed up by a big assed gun!

You speak as if you have experienced it or something

Ironic... n'est pas?
 

There are way too many cases of domestic abuse nowadays... I would have to agree with the point that was made earlier... I would never be with and/ or marry a man who would abuse me, my children, or any pets. Those are stepping stones and, depending on how fast he advances on the stones, I could be next and who needs that in their lives? Life is already overly complicated without someone adding his personal problems to my face. I do not know exactly what I would do if it happened, but I would never put myself in a situation where I would not be able to get out. I have seen it done and it will affect you, your children, and their perception of the abused... for better or for worse. All I have to say is that should it ever happen, I hope he hits hard enough to leave a mark because please believe I will go to the police and his family about it. Oh and I would also have a restraining order on him just in case. In one of my classes, we were discussing options and that is the best scenario. Not solely to embarrass him, but to have him realize that it is not okay and that he must be held accountable for his actions. Most abusers are not told that they are wrong by society and all of the blame goes to the abused. I think this is mostly because everyone can relate to being annoyed to the point of violence against another, however, most people either have not been in the abused situation or are not willing to admit they were abused for fear of being blamed and being abused more without help from others. We need to change the way counselors address the situation especially in the areas where counselors value the concept of marriage over the well- being of the married persons. If one knows she has to leave for her well- being, the people around her should not make her feel bad for leaving a dangerous situation especially the men around her who do not see the issue with a woman being hit... but this is the society that is shaped on the backs of the abused... so what more should we expect? Isn't it ironic that now that women are allowed to do pretty much what we want, we are still tied down by the same domestic ties of our foremothers?

So I brought this topic up with my boyfriend, and I said, "You'd never beat me, would you?" The convo went a little bit like this:

BF: I'd never hit you, but my baseball bat might.
S: Well, I might just hit you upside the head with a frying pan on my way out the door...and I'm taking the dog. And then I'm gonna sue you.
BF: You can't sue me if you're dead.
S: :eek:

We were only joking, but I'm sad to see that some people on here have been in that situation. I'm sorry you all had to go through that :(

If a man ever hit me, I would worry for his safety. Not only would I have cops & lawyers involved, my family is a tight-knit little group that wouldn't let the bugger escape without a few bruises of his own.

I think he has a point. Baseball bat trumps frying pan every time.

This kid is a funny one. Watch out!

And a famous man once said he'd never hit a girl, but he'd shake her. Do people think that's a good middle ground?

-Rudey