parents and growing up
 

What do you do when you are trying to grow up and be an adult, but your parents won't let you?
I am out of college and still living at home with my mom and sister. I want to move to another city and start a career. My parents do not think that I am ready. They said that if I go, they will not support me in anyway. In other words, my leaving will turn my parents against me. I do not know what their problem is. I am 24 years old, so I think that is considered old enough to make my own decision. They are trying to make me feel guilty by insinuating that I am ruining my life if I don't listen to them.
I don't want them to be against me, but I want to start my own life. What would you do?

Go and do your thing -- you're an adult and you're out of college. It's time.

What's weird is that your parents are saying you're not "ready" to be on your own -- do they think they did such a crappy job raising you that you won't be able to survive on your own? If that's what they're saying, why in the hell should you be expected to give them any MORE time?

FWIW, I lived with my parents briefly after college, and my mom was pissed off when I moved out. Oh well. She got over it.

whatever you do, don't go around pulling an Eric and Lyle Menedez ok?

I lived at home for three years after graduating. I moved out when my dad decided it was time for me to buy a condo and contributed money to the down payment. Eventhough it was his idea for me to move I still get grief for not being at their house all the time. If I don't call every other day I get guilt trips.

Your parents will learn to deal. You're an adult. They have to face that sooner or later.

In my hometown, a friend of my parent's is the same way with their kids.

They don't want their kids to move away after graduating HIGH SCHOOL.... so that leaves them with the only choice of going to the local 2-yr school and trying to do something after that.

In my opinion that's messed up. If your kids have what it takes to conquer a 4-yr school, why hold them back? One of their daughters is so amazingly smart, but her parents won't let her to go the school she wants.

One of their son's GOT MARRIED right out of high school just so he could get out of the house and go to Baylor with his new bride.

His mom wore black to the wedding.

So far all of my siblings have graduated high school and moved to completely different cities to pursue college and jobs afterwards. That family is like "how can you dump your kids in a city they've never been in???" Uhhh it's part of letting go to let them do what's best for their own life.

:rolleyes:



I understand what you guys are saying. I got into an arguement with my dad a few days ago. He said that I hurt his feelings because I told him that they (parents) are putting to much pressure on me to stay in Jacksonville when I do not want to. He gave me the guilt trip.
And apparently they do not trust me anymore because I am not as into church stuff as they would like me to be. They think that I am out doing ungodly things. Whatever.

Hey parent hater, don't roll your eyes at me.

LOL. I don't hate them you nut.

:) I know. It's obvious you love them dearly. You don't want to dissapoint them, and you are afraid to let them down gently...because you love them so much.

Awww...I feel like watching Dumbo right about now :(

Oh I'm in the same situation. Though I think my folks' concerns are legitimate. But, sometimes you just got to take risks.

Save up your money and do it on your own. If they don't want to support you, then you really don't have a choice if you REALLY want to leave Jacksonville.

I feel lucky that my parents always supported my decisions and even if they don't agree completely.

I know that I am definitely not happy staying here. I need to go and do new things. I need to live my own life.

They will probably be very proud of you if you do it on your own anyway.

I second this. Also, you might want to sit your parents down and talk to them in as gentle a way as possible (so they don't feel their feelings are getting hurt and they don't get defensive). First off, tell them that they did a great job raising you and teaching you the life skills that you need. Then, explain to them the reasons why you want to move to wherever you want to move to (such as better job opportunites, better standard of living, safer neighborhood, better housing, etc.). Make them feel like you've thought this out very carefully and that this is what's best for you. Any good parent is going to want what's best for their child and would not want to stand in the way of that child's success or happiness. It may just take some time for your parents to come around, but it'll help if they see that you've thought this out and you want to move because it's what's best for you. Make it clear to them that it's not because you're trying to get away from them, that you love them very much, that you would keep in touch/visit, and that you are very capable of living independently.

Re: parents and growing up
 

So, you're 24 years old and a college graduate, but you can't support yourself without your parents help? You won't move out because they say you can't? Am I reading that correctly?

If so, maybe they're right.

As has been suggested above, get your assets together and make the move.

Been there, went thru that with my mom
 

I so agree with valkyrie and uksparkle on this one...

JUST DO IT! Save up your money, find a crib and move out.

Call their bluff. They might be pissed at first but they will get over it..eventually. If they don't that is THEIR problem, not yours!

I went thru the same thing and let me tell ya, moving away was the best damn thing I ever did!

PMing ya! :D

Re: Re: parents and growing up
 

No, I can support myself without them. They do not want me to move because they will not be able to watch what I do anymore. They do not want me going somewhere alone. It is not about financial support. It is more about the fact they will not be on my side about moving. And I do not want them to be against me, but I do want to move.

They'll get over it. I take it you're the oldest, so obviously your mom is having separation issues. I would suggest counseling for her, but that probably wouldn't go over too well if you just up and suggested it. Lol, but seriously, she obviously can't let go.

You're 24 freaking years old, it's time to have your own life and learn to take care of yourself. What are you waiting for?

If your parents get upset that you moved out on your own- at the AGE OF 24, then they have the issues. Staying home with them will just transfer those issues upon you.

They'll look like idiots to their friends and the extended family if they freak and disown you b/c you moved into your own place.

I think you just have to move, and let whatever they have to say go in one ear and out the other. They're your parents they love you and will eventually get over the fact that you moved away. If they don't they probably have some other problems going on and it's better that you distance yourself.

I haven't lived in Jax since I went to college, and everytime my parents start harping on when am I moving home I just tell them I never had any intention of moving back there once I graduated. I even had to tell my sister that the other day. Now she says I could at least visit, but the family dynamics make me not do that except for about once a year. They can visit me anytime they want - the door is always open...

The baby bird has to leave the nest sometime, whether or not it is the mamma bird pushing her to spread her wings and fly. Sometimes, the little bird has to do it alone.

Smiley, spread your wings and take the leap! Save up some money and go! It will do no good to be 40 and living at your parents' doorstep. They will be proud-- you just have to start living the life that you are proud of. They will see they raised a strong, independent woman who can hold her own. Don't let them hold you back from a happy life!

I'll just come out and say it -- this isn't acceptable. I know it happens all the time, but parents should NEVER do this. Your kid isn't your best friend. She isn't your sister. She is NOT there to meet the needs of the parent, PERIOD. She is there to grow up and be an adult and have a life of her own. The parent's job is to help make that happen.

I know I'm lucky because my mom and I are very close. Aside from being upset when I moved out, she's never pulled any of this crap with me. I know she was bummed when I moved 1000 miles away from her, but she's cool.

Here's the thing: if your parents are putting all this crap on you, like crying and saying you're their greatest pal or refusing to talk to people who have moved away, they are being manipulative and SELFISH. Plain and simple, they're trying to manipulate you into giving them what they want, which has nothing to do with you and your life and everything to do with their own desires and plans.

When people are manipulating you, you have two choices: you can refuse to be manipulated and go do your own thing OR you can give the manipulator what she wants, which reinforces the behavior, making it more likely that she will continue to manipulate you in the future. It's that simple. When my dog begs for food, you're damn right I'm not going to give him any because that would teach him that begging for food results in getting food and he'd just do it more often. Dealing with people isn't any more complicated than that.

Doing your own thing isn't always easy, but it's the only way you're going to be able to have your own life.

After talking with my mom, she has said that she will not hold me back if I want to move. My dad, however, is another story. He is a tough nut to crack.

Amen girl! And ya know what? if you give a manipulator an inch, they will later on take a mile. Why? Because they can

First it will be I will disown you if you move out
Then it will be I will disown you if you get involved with that person

then...

there is no end to it...unless you kill the noise!

Dad will get over it...if not, tough shit

Great quote from Sidney Portier's character in "Guess who's Coming to Dinner" when his father tries to tell him that he has a right to tell him how to live his life because he made so many sacrfices for him by being a mailbag carrier/mail man:

"You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me!"

That deserves to be posted twice.

Get out of my head - I was about to quote Valkyrie's post. She hit the nail right on the head.

Get off Your ASSets and move for crying out loud.

They may say they dont want You to move, but do best for what is You!

Get a Life. You can come back and visit!

Do they mind bumping a boy friend in Your room after a date down the hall?

Would freek out many guys!:o

Update:

Smiley is working on moving out there on her own. :)

Mom understands but still working on dad.

Have you ever heard of the phrase it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission?

Just do it. Worry about the results, acceptance, etc. after the fact.

-Rudey