Can a racial slur ever "slip?"
 

You have an acquaintance of a different race.

You overhear this friend using a racial slur.

You confront them. They apologize, admit that it was stupid.


1) Will your relationship change?

2) Can racial slurs just "slip?"

1) Probably not. People are human, and people make mistakes. It's an opportunity for a teachable moment.

2) Yes. People are products of their environment, and just because someone has loose lips, I don't think it's automatically an indication of what's really in their heart.

I'm with you, Sistermadly.

It would depend on the context of what was said. But generally, I have to agree with Sistermadly and PreciousJeni.

Slips happen.

As far as any long term repercussions, it would depend on what they said and how they said it.

The only way I think one could "slip" is if it was in a phrase, for example, in the south, you'll often hear someone say that something is "jimmy-rigged" (if it's held together with something unconventional, etc.)...well people also say that something is "n....a' rigged" - so perhaps in company of mixed ethnicities that would "slip," where the intention might not really be an attack, but because of the history of the word and meanings, could certainly be taken as one.

Did that all make sense? Other than that, I don't really think a racial slur could be "slipped."

What if someone doesn't know that a word is a slur? My cousin likes to call Japanese food "Jap food." I think she believes that that term is "cool" and doesn't realize that it could upset people. I

Me, three.

1) For me the relationship will change. That's just me.

2) Personally, I do not think that racial slurs just "slip" and that anyone just forgets that the other person of a different ethnic group from him or her is no longer relevant. The minute one thinks that the color line is irrelevant, is the minute that the "illusion of inclusion winds up making him or her have delusions..."

Then you politely explain it to her.

AKA_Monet, let God deal with it. ;)

Well, I do not know if a specific racial slur may slip. A person could be extremely angry and had been hurt, so he or she may not be thinking as rationally as usual.

But sometimes a racist or offensive comment that does not include an insult or a slur can and does slip. If the person apologizes, especially if the person was not aware of how offensive it was, it would not change my relationship with that person.

I am not likely to be around someone who is always insulting other individuals or groups. But I am not going to scream bloody murder and cut off contact with the person and badmouth him or her simply because of a prejudiced remark.

I'll answer my own question, since it obviously happened to me.

In context, the person wasn't saying "damn _____'s" and forgot I was around. It wasn't an act of hate. He sent me an IM that was meant for someone else.

He basically said he was being stupid and he apologized. He also blamed it on pop culture, saying that "shizzle my nizzle" was the same thing.

I lean toward AKA_monet. The relationship has changed. I can't trust someone who will use the word. Period, stupid or not. And maybe for that person, slip ups happen. But still, it's like damn.... you have it in you to say it.

It's someone who I respected, went to bat for, and even ignored some of the things they did or said that I didn't agree with. Yeah, they didn't ask for that kind of support...but when you really do value someone's friendship, you build up their character, whether they know it or not.

So that's that.....it was a hurtful moment, but I'm glad it's out there and over. At least I won't look like Boo Boo the Fool supporting someone who will use a racial slur when I'm not "around" so to speak.

i think that slurs can "slip" out, most often if the person uses them regularly. there may be no meaning behind the use, and no intent to insult or hurt anyone, but that does not mean it doesn't hurt.

But doesn't that make the situation worse?? I mean, if I was with a hispanic friend and "gringos pendejos" "slipped", and they responded by saying "Sorry, it's just a habit", that would affect me more, knowing that's what they say all the time (and probably their actual opinion, if they say it all the time), and it was not just a one-time accident.

I don't think racial slurs can just 'slip' out like that. If you have the capacity to say it, whether intentional or not, obviously that means that you have used it before. It's something that has been embedded in your lexicon, it couldn't have just came out of nowhere. If you've never used the slur before, then you wouldn't think to use it so freely that it just 'slips' out of your mouth without you thinking about it. And if you can and have used it before, then I don't want to associate with you.

I understand your logic.

My thoughts will probably be convoluted.

It seems to me that this is complicated on more than one level.

First, our lexicon is constantly changing. There are some words and phrases that may take on a bad conotation, and some people may not even realize it until they're called on a usage or have ticked someone off. In my lifetime, the "acceptable" word for a group has gone from colored, to negro, to black to African American. My own heritage has gone from Indian to Native American. As society moves along, some people just aren't immediately aware of how things change -- or are slow to understand. Years ago the term "Cop" (police officer) was offensive to people in that profession. Now, they use it to describe themselves.

Second, while this is often a phenominon of youth, there IS a first time for the use of every word. I can actually remember the first time I ever used the word $hit. I had heard enough people say it, and it just popped out there on the elementary school playground. I suppose it could be argued that if you hear a lot of racial slurs in your day-to-day life, you're hanging out with the wrong people.

Third, I think sometimes people talk faster than their brain really processes what they're thinking. Again, I suppose it may be argued that the reason it pops out is that it -- the word or the feeling -- is embedded somewhere in your conscious or subconscious mind, and that's not good. The old line, "Be sure your brain is engaged before putting your mouth in gear," comes to mind.

Fourth, while I can't think of a specific example, some words are a slave to conotation. In other words, a word can have an entirely different meaning, depending on how it is used. That's obviously stating the obvious. The preceeding sentence from our Department of Redundancy Department.

Fifth, there is the whole Politically Correct situation. I hate that term, and won't discuss it here.

Sixth, some words and phrases simply mean different things to different generations. When I was younger, to say something or someone "sucks" was a whole lot more dramatic and drastic than it is today. It was probably one of the worst things you could say to someone. What your peers say, may be highly offensive to a different peer group.

Seventh, life is so complex that things just accidentally come out wrong sometimes. A few years ago, a young African American/Hispanic woman I worked with and her future husband , a young African American man (both middle management, college educated highly respected people working for very prestigious companies), who were living together, were looking for a house to buy. A realtor -- trying to make conversation -- said something like, "a few years ago, a couple like you would not have been able to buy a house." When questioned, what she meant was an unmarried couple -- but it certainly could have been taken differently. In any conotation, it was a dumb thing to bring up, but stupid things are sometimes said in the course of trying to make polite conversation.

Of course, there are some words and phrases that should never be used. Most of them are pretty obvious.

In the end, I think that all of the above should be taken into account. If someone you like, admire, trust, etc. slips and says something offensive and after considering all of the above possibilities (and there are others, I'm sure) you decide it is something they believe -- then I think it is fair for your feeling for that person to change.

Otherwise, to err is human, etc.

In a previous lifetime, when I had training to teach diversity courses for NBC, they pointed out a number of phrasess that almost all of us use in our daily lives -- like "more bang for the buck," that were highly offensive when they started.

People do and say stupid things. It seems to me that you have to evaluate the reason something is said before passing final judgement.

Sorry, I said this would be convoluted. I hope it makes at least some sense.

My very last thought at the moment, is that perhaps if someone says something offensive, it really is a part of their mindset somehow. I'd like to hope not, but I don't even pretend to be absolutely sure about much of anything anymore.

^^I understand and agree with you, especially the last sentences.

i agree with you perfectverse. i didn't want to go into a long,drawn out explanation, but in senruset's example his acquaintance said the offensive phrase he said just "slipped out". i meant that if it did just "slip out", then it is probably a phrase that he uses enough, that in senruset's situation, the offensive phrase just popped out, without the "friend" thinking about what they were saying. it is a habit.

i have a teenage son. i am sure around his buddies he swears time and again. every so often, at home, a curse word might slip out(like when he is playing a computer game). now i don't approve of that, and i call his attention to it, but i know that he said it without thinking. he screws up at home because he joins his buddies in cursing, as teenagers do.

i am not in any way excusing senruset's "friend". i am saying that if the friends didn't say the offensive stuff often enough, then it would not have "slipped out".

but this could be an opportunity to educate the offender, if senruset can find it in his heart to forgive him.

Good post, DeltAlum. I see what you're saying!

I disagree. One time after having a few while we were out with some friends who happen to be gay, something slipped out of my mouth that might be considered insensitive and/or offensive to gay people -- I'm not sure it would be, but yeah, probably. It's something I haven't said since HIGH SCHOOL but there it was. I was mortified but tried to play it off and I really, really hope it either didn't offend them or they let it go because it's not something I normally say and I meant absolutely nothing by it. It was just a stupid phrase we used to use to refer to things that were far away -- where it came from now, I have no idea.

I was on the lines of it had to be in his norm of conversation to "slip" until I read this.

I think a lot of it has to do with the type of slur and how familiar the phrase it. Unfortunately, if it was the "N" word, while it doesn't excuse it or make it right, modern day speech and (dare I say it) rap music probably makes it easier for the word to "slip".

If I am white and have a hang out with a lot of black people who constantly say "My N" this and "that N's crazy" in a quest to belong or feel cool I can see it slipping out, even though intellectually I know it is wrong.

The problem is that folks need to get out of that mindset...

There is no qualification for profanity among intelligent discussion if only used to hone a point or to exaggerate the context... Some folks are just exhibitionists and use profane language for shock value only... Just because they can use it doesn't make it right...

Still others are just ignorant...

And I think that is what has happened to Sensuret's bloke ;)

Ironically, while in England, the folks told my husband and I that "pap" was a "slur"... We just laughed--probably like little kids laugh when they first say bad words... But, nonetheless, since we didn't know how to use it in a sentence we'd never would use the word...

Funny how when learning a new language and/or lexicon only the bad words are the ones that we remember the most... I wonder why?

Are They Not Used on All Sides?

No, they aren't. Not with the same effect.

Why is that?

I understand.

The word, for sake of this conversation, was "nig." Not nigga or nigger, but simply nig.

When I read the beginning of this thread earlier today, I was trying to put into words what I wanted to say. IMHO, AKA_Monet sums it up perfectly.

We've all heard words that we know, deep inside, shouldn't be used - but we occasionally do. That doesn't excuse it, though, and it does change others' opinions of us.

Reminds me of a good story from when I worked in child psych. We had this young (5 or 6 year old) African American boy who was totally out of control. One of the male African American child care workers had to get the kid in a wrap because he was spitting, biting, kicking, etc. Suddenly, the kid yells "Let me go you white honkey B***". All the staff who were assembled to assist, including the one holding the kid, had to fight the laughter. It was obvious that this kid had heard this phrase and knew it was insulting, but had no idea what it meant in saying it to a male African American staff. (and, this was 16 years ago, before the word B**** was used as it is now).

Re: Can a racial slur ever "slip?"
 

1) Prolly so. While we won't stop being friends, some open evaluation will have to occur.

2) Yes--I think so. I think *sometimes* people aren't cognizant of the effect of their language and might not be intentionally rude, condescending or whatever else. They also might have been so comfortable saying around close quarters that outside of that, they don't see the error of their ways. But then again, some people are just assholes and don't care--don't care to know why the slur was damaging. Later for them, anyways. :rolleyes:

enigma_AKA

Thanks. I'm pleased that it made at least some sense.

Mazle Tov biatch!

One time I went to a Jewish wedding, and I wore a Yamika. And I ran around saying " Mazle Tov" to all the other jiggity jiggity Jews up in the room.

They were cool with it.


eta: My best friend that is black calls me " nig" or " niyah" So I call her "nig" back, or sometimes I say " nooka". She is cool with it too. Should I not call her that? I mean, we are friends and all. Friends since age 11 mang!

LMAO

LOL!!!

The difference is that everyone was cool with what you were saying because of the nature of your relationship with the other person. Senusret was obviously uncomfortable with what was said because that is not a common thing in their friendship.

they can slip in tounge, but not in thought.

I have not let any slurs slip out, I don't use them. Though I have said some non-pc things without thinking.

As with others, I have had the opposite issue. People say offensive things intentionally, but say that they're definately not talking about me. I believe them, but it still doesn't make it appropiate.

Re: Can a racial slur ever "slip?"
 

1. Yes
2 No.

i know this white girl who said "what are you doing in our country, towelhead?" to a guy of pakistani decent from chicago.

her excuse...

"i was drunk, and it slipped."

Personally, I prefer when people do not say the N word as they are singing a song. It makes me uncomfortable both when they and the original artist say it. Typically if it is someone that I know, then I'll just ask them not to use the word around me. However, I wouldn't really think that they were racist for repeating it, but I would think that they lacked a bit of tact for repeating it in my presence.

However, if someone did use it in their normal speech, then this would concern me and cause me to re-evaluate that person. I've heard most racial slurs in the book, and I've never just accidentally called/referred to someone as "fill in whatever insult u'd like here". I would be prone to think that either they are using the slur on a regular basis or at least thinking it in their heads. Like Starang referenced, people are very quick to blame their actions on liquor or whatever else, and I'm just not buying it. Most times those situations only lower one's inhibitions and allow them to forget to surpress their normal thoughts/speech.

While I don't believe that these words just 'slip', I would be able to forgive and move forward with someone if they used the word and simply acknowledged it and apologized. I've had friends who let the N word fly either b/c they were around others who used it and wanted to fit in (and I overheard them) or b/c they assumed that I'd be ok with that (from the impression that they receive from music and tv). However, the few genuine individuals who came to me, explained what happened, apologized, and sincerely made an effort to adjust their behavior have remained in the good graces.