Can Men and Women Be Truly Just Friends?
 

Can men and women be truly just friends?

I ask b/c I was reading another thread and it struck me that the few guys who are in my friend circle approached me, I declined and *THEN* we later became friends. Are there any genuinely true male-female friendships out there in which there was never a romantic (or potential romantic) aspect to the relationship?

Is it possible? genetically?

Re: Can Men and Women Be Truly Just Friends?
 

LOL @ genetically. You sound like Harry a la 'When Harry met Sally'. ;)

I think so. Maybe it's because I'm younger or because I've gotten wiser, but I have quite a few male friends who were never interests (neither interested in me nor me them). Is there potential? Yes, but I think we have reached the point where it's a true comradery (sp?). I set them up on dates; they hook with up with friends, etc. No drama--at least not yet.

This, however, is not the case with every guy friend I have--sad to say, but true. :( And I'm working on getting it back to a pure platonic relationship. Wish me luck!

enigma_AKA

Men and women can't be friends. The sex part always gets in the way.

Yes, its from "When Harry Met Sally', but in 90% of all cases, its true.

I have more guy friends than girl friends. It's been that way for most of my life. Only two of them asked me for some a$$.

Only two? What's wrong with you? :eek:

Just kidding, seriously. Why more male friends, though, if you don't mind me asking...?

enigma_AKA

I guess it's because, I'm almost always seen as "one of the guys".

Why more male friends? We just seem to bond better. I find it pretty difficult to get close to girls, and to keep close if we do so.

My answer is No, men and women can't just be friends. At some point during the friendship one of the two will develop romantic/sexual feelings for the other (no matter how fleeting). I think many times the two CHOOSE not to ACT on them, but the feelings are there at some point during the friendship, even if for a short amount of time.

("You" speaking hypothetically) Also, you may not have had feelings for him, and he never told you he had those feelings for you (prolly because you were snoting all over his shoulder about how much you loved Mr. Wrong at the time) but I guarantee you he has had them (ONE of you had them) ;)

No ma'am!!

I hate to say it, but I don't think men and women can just be friends.

A guy once told me that there is no such thing as male/female platonic relationships because the guy is just waiting for his chance to get some. Instead of taking the easy approach and just asking a woman out, he plays like he wants to just be pals and THEN, once a friendship is established, he will try make the relationship into something more.

I've experienced this far too many times to know this.

Oh wait, there is an istance where men and women can just be friends...it's when the man is gay!

I don't remember befriending any guys who I was repulsed by. I was either attracted to them, or I felt neutral, but never flat out unattracted.

I do agree that there's usually at least a little sexual tension between guy and girl friends, but I don't think we have to LIKE each other.

Yes, they can

IF AND ONLY IF the friendship is at arms length. Lemme explain:

If a man and a woman see each other only on occasion and are cautious not to show each other all their business (read: their most personal and intimate parts of their souls), then yes, they can stay friends. But once that line is crossed, a soul tie develops and either one party or the other is going to want more out of the relationship and that is where the trouble comes in. Because men naturally start to develop an "attraction" toward the woman or vice versa.

Two ways to prevent this from happening: one, don't let the other party know all your business. Know what to express to your friend and what to keep to yourself. Two, go out together with a group of mutual friends. That way, the focus is not on the two of you, and there is less pressure and incentive to "bare your souls".

And I speak from years of experience on this one, so trust me.

ETA: A lot of the women I was involved with who wanted to be "just friends" with me were a bunch of spiritual and emotional freeloaders who wanted the security and benefits of being in a relationship without the committment required to maintain one. I do not waste my time with those types. If a woman says, "Let's just be friends", I say, "HECK NAW" and get outta dodge.

They ain't about to cry on my shoulder and keep me awake until 3 and 4 in the morning telling me sob stories about how some thug kicked them to the curb after they got f[rea]ked and chucked by them. As they say, "Save the drama for your mama".

Keep your distance from the opposite sex unless and until the romantic feelings you have are mutual. It saves everyone a whole lotta mess.

LOL. Too easy, coming from a man. :D :o

enigma_AKA

I thinK it jus depends on maturity level of the individuals. Some men kan handle it some kan't

I may be reading your post out of context, but it's not so much about maturity as it is about a yearning for affection. We as human beings have a natural desire for affection and for someone of the opposite sex to affirm our worth as a man or woman. To say that some men can handle it and some can't trivializes that very God-given desire. OTOH, if you can't "handle it", keep your opposite sex friends at arms length, and do not invest too much of your soul in your friendship.

Maybe it's just me, but I hate the term "just friends". Every time I see those two words together I read it as "emotional tampon".

But I'm just jaded like that. ;)

I say yes, men and women can be friends.

I think that there are a couple of different types of relationships to consider. First look at men that you have become friends with through your current or ex-boyfriends. I dated one guy for nearly 6 years, and in that time his friends also became mine. I feel very close to some of them (like brothers), and though I'm no longer with that person, they are still in my life as friends. Note: The realtionship btwn my ex and I ended very peacefully, so there are no hard/akward feelings in the group. This may also work for the ex's of your female friends, but I tend not to get that close to any of the men in my friends' lives. Its a bit different b/c guys tend to not hang out w/their girl and her friends as much as women hang out with their guy and his friends.

Also, consider men that you meet that are already involved with someone. I am very good friends with some of my male co-workers. However, most of them are married or engaged, so there is no question on either side of where the boundaries in our relationship lie.

Furthermore, think of men who you simply are not attracted to. There are tons of situations (esp. at work) where there are men who just aren't what you're looking for, and you're not what they're looking for (differernt tastes, different race, different religion, different values, etc). It doesn't necessarily mean that there is no room for a friendship. For instance, one of my friends is a great guy. He's a lot of fun, has a good heart, and isn't that bad to look at. However, he's Indian and practices Hindu, and he's looking for a girl that is the same. While I'm not opposed to dating/marrying outside of my race, I do want a man who is a Christian, so... it's not gonna work. We're very cool, but it's just never going to go down, and we both know this.

Finally, I think that you can be attracted to someone & they be attracted to you, and you just opt to never act on that. Maybe its a friend of your older brother, or a cute guy who's just a little to young, or whatever. Just b/c you like them does not mean that you have no other choice but to act on that feeling, and just b/c you choose not to act on that feeling does not mean that they are automatically banished from your circle. My best friend has been attracted to one of her friends for years. I think maybe he liked her to start, but didn't get up the nerve to approach her. Now they both like each other, but individually don't want their existing friendship to change. He dates other girls, she dates other guys. They talk to one another about their relationships and other aspects of life just the same as if she and I were talking. They both know the situation, and are cool with it as it is.

Perfect, don't sleep on women. Pretending to be friends is also one of the ways that many *women* try to get with your man - by pretending that she is trying to be his friend/associate, etc. Many times, she's basically just trying to get close to him so she can become a *apparent* confidante and when you two have an argument, then she seems like she's just a sincere friend when she's like "maybe you two aren't meant for each other." All the while, waiting for her chance.

I have had more than one woman call herself "befriending" my man only to later admit that she was trying to get with him. He now can see these woman more clearly. First, he was taking them at face value. The first one, I suspected right away when she came in town and wanted to meet *me*. Trying to size up what in her twisted mind was the competition. LOL

We just got rid of another one who finally just turned into an all out stalker when she revealed her interest and he let her know it wasn't happening. This stalker has called me at work on occasion, etc. Finally, a police report had to be filed. SMH

So don't sleep on the women.

SC

I do think that men and women can be just friends, however the following situations will more than likely always occur. 1) Someone becomes attracted, expresses that attraction and gets rejected. Depending on the strength of the friendship, it may or may not end at this point. 2) Both become attracted, and act on that attraction, thereby ruling out the "just friends" part of the relationship 3) Both are attracted, but there are prior committments on one or both ends, which prevent them from acting on the attraction <--- I think that this is an incredibly touchy situation though, especially if one friend is having trouble in their relationship. I think it leaves room for emotional and possible physical affairs to begin. Lastly I think that men and women can be friends in a case where they may have dated and discovered that they were not compatible as a couple, but that a friendship would work out. Depending on how you look at that particular situation these two people are "just friends."

I think if two people, especially unattached people, really like each other as friends, at some point someone is likely to develop feelings. That's natural, IMO. Whether you act on the feelings or not is another matter, but I guarantee somebody (usually the dude) is at least thinking about it, and is usually willing to risk the friendship to take it to another level.

If either or both are otherwise involved with other people, then it makes it the "friendship" train roll easier.


*thinking back to the days on the yard when the motto was 'girl, if you want a friend, buy a dog.....' :cool:

Ain't that the freakin' truth? :cool:

;) It's possible once you have worked through the attraction stage. One friend and I resolved that it was best to lose the relationship but not the friendship and we are still good friends to this day!

in my experience, no.

My ex-husband and I are great friends, now that we're divorced. We lost the friendship (which we had for 2 years prior to marriage) in trying to make the relationship work. He's still my buddy, and in fact - have vented/cried/babbled to him about guys I've dated since the divorce. I can look him in the eye and tell him I care about him, but wouldn't live with him ever again - and he can do the same. And we mean it!

Now on the flip side of things, the guy I've just started dating is a long-time friend (of 20 years), who admitted to me that he's wanted to date me for about 15 of those 20 years, but either I was in a relationship/marriage, or he was in a relationship. So, I'm hoping this one turns out better than my first marriage!

(btw, lovehaiku, I love the Pat quote on your signature! I'm a HUGE Benatar-fan as well)

Hi Quala67,
Not trying to be funny, just curious. Based on your post, it seems like you are a female but the fraternal information indicates "brother." Is that the way that females are referred to in the org or are you a male? Just wondering about the lingo of your org.
SC

She's in APO. Guys and girls are called brothers. :)

Dionysus is correct, in Alpha Phi Omega, all initiated persons are referred to as 'Brothers,' no matter what the gender. I am proudly a female Brother of APO.

Any my ex-husband is also my Brother, and his parents, and my sister....made for very interesting conversations!

Oh, ok. That's interesting convention. Thanks for the info. I think that my feminist mind would wonder how come everyone can't be called a sister instead. LOL
SC

Some of my closest friends are guys, and I can honestly say with the exception of the two that I've dated, I've not felt any romantic sentiment towards them. They are like brothers. Some are gay. I think it can work.

I think I'm going to see whether this can happen. I don't have many straight male friends right now.

My business fraternity, Alpha Kappa Psi, is the same way. I'm not sure if everyone is referred to as brother b/c it is a fraternity or b/c it was originally an all male organization. I think that it is the former though.

I think I remember reading that APhiO voted to let in female members under the stipulation that they are still brothers. It used to be an all male org.

*off topic, but figured I'd step back in*

Alpha Phi Omega National Service Fraternity was founded in 1925 as the 'Boy Scout' Fraternity. In fact, until the late 60's, all members also had to be affiliated with the BSA. In December 1976, at our National Convention in Atlanta, GA, women were given full memberships rights. In fact, in our National bylaws it states that all initiated members shall be referred to as Brothers. If you want to know more about APO, check out http://apo.org, or feel free to PM me.

*apologizes for getting folks off topic*

I have a male friend who I have been friends with for about 3 or 4 years and sex has never come up. I have more male friends but I haven't known them as long so who knows what will come up in the future. One in particular I view more like a little brother so that would be like incest.

I say that to say yes men and women can be just friends. That's like saying that homosexuals can't have friends of the same sex because they are somehow genetically wired to want to jump each others bones.

Depends...
 

Are you looking for a mate or are you looking for a friend?

If you are dating and are looking for a mate, it will be tough to become friends depending on your maturity level.

If you are just looking for friendship in general, I think it will be relatively easy for opposite sexes to be friends no matter what the sexual orientation. Commonalities, general likes and dislikes, whatever, the bonds of friendship are shared when one keeps a perspective on the purpose of this relationship...

Whereas, seeking a mate is different. Eventually, those involved could be friends. However, there are many ways to express one's mating habits. If one is attracted physically and sparks fly whenever they are together, then it will be extremely difficult to build any kind of friendship relationship.

That thing about agape and eros...

At any rate, personally, I do not have very many male friends. Especially now that I am married. And my husband has very few female friends that I know all about. Most of the ones I know about are married with children. Besides if he wanted to get with one of them for whatever reason, he knows he'd be giving up on the best thing that happened to him :p :rolleyes: :D

I think...
 

there is a reason why most married couples say their significant other is their BEST FRIEND. Either (a) they started off as friends or (b) their relationship grew to more than just a romantic attraction and they connect on the basis of genuine friendship. I think men and women can be friends. However, I do not think that men and women can just be best friends or even close friends without emotions coming into play.

In fact, if my female friends knew I was writing this right now they would die from laughter. I have a great guy friend whom I confide in as much as a my best friend; in fact, he is my best guy friend. Everyone (and I do mean everyone) including my mother thinks we're secretly dating. It didn't matter how many dates I went on everyone told me we were putting up a front. I used to think everyone had lost they're minds...but a few months ago I realized that it's not everyone else whose crazy...that in between our almost daily conversations there's a lot we don't say to each other.

So...Yes, I think we're both attracted to certain aspects of each other. No, I still have no intention of pursuing a relationship with him...after all he's still one of my best friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. However, if my significant other had a friendship like mine and I didn't think he or the friend could keep the friendship platonic she or he would have to go...that's just how I feel.

Isn't that what friends do, provide a shoulder for the other to unload all this "drama"? :rolleyes:

Yes.....

I feel what Rain Man is saying. :)

I don't let anyone unload their drama on me. I'll listen to a couple of stories from my real friends but, for the most part, I'm not the one to call if you have constant and ongoing stress in your life. I like to have peace so my small group of friends know that they need to have more good than bad stuff to share with me (on a constant basis) or I will mysteriously be unavailable whenever they call.

Yes
 

I have two guy friends, one of whom I call my best friend. Both are married with children. Both wives know me, and I have also formed friendships with the wives. We have been friends since high school and I think he (best friend) knows everything about me. I don't THINK either of us have ever thought about "getting with" the other. I have never had problems with any other females, who they formed romantic relationships with, thinking that we would ever "go there."
Of course we get the occasional comments about our friendship, but we both understand "us" and I truly don't think we will ever be anything other than friends.

I agree with with Rain Man and you. Letting others unload all their crap on you will drive you CRAZY.

:cool: yes you can be just friends, if neither is attracted to the other. but most of the time somebody wants to be more than just friends and will go along with the "friendship title" until they either get what they want or give up and move from the "friendship

I don't think men and women can be friends. They can be associates but not friends. Well...maybe in some rare cases, but I've never had that luck. I've tried to be friends with women and they always have wanted more. They'll seem to be friends with me, but as soon as I find interest in another woman as more than friends, they get jealous, and the whole time I'm thinking "Wow, I thought we were just friends.":(