Your Org. or Your Significant Other?
 

Mr. Perfect and I were talking the other day and the subject of BGLO's came about.

He asked me "If you had to choose between me and becoming a member of XYZ Sorority, which would you choose?"

He then took it upon himself and answer for me, stating that he KNEW I would pick the sorority over him.

I told him that the attractive things about the sorority is that it's a lifetime commitment, that I get out of it exactly what I put into it, and the bond I'd share with countless others who can understand the love that I have for the organization.

He has yet to put a ring on my finger symbolizing a lifetime commitment to me, there's always a chance that the relationship could slide from being 50/50 to 70/30, but as of right now the bond that Mr. Perfect and I share is very special.

In the end I told him I couldn't answer the question, and I thought the fact that he'd ask me to choose was unfair. If he loved me, he'd support my decision and respect the love I have for the organization. I think he believes that I'd up and leave if I became a member, and that isn't the case at all.

But just for fun, I thought I'd pose the question to you all.

Have you ever been given an ultimatum like that ("It's either me or your org?") ?

If you had to choose, which would it be? Your man/woman or your BGLO?

I am married to a member of another BGLO and that has never been an issue. You shouldn't have to choose, but if the question was posed then I would have to question the true motive behind the need for a decision to be made. COMPROMISE is the key.

If my significant other couldn't understand the love that I share between an organization and him, then I'm not sure where and/or how I would deal with that. I would go out of my way to ensure that he knew that I was committed to him just as I'm committed to the organization of choice. If he loves me as he says he does, then that question should not arise because he will love me and all of the wonderful women who are in it with me.

I remember having a similar conversation with my former fiancee a few years ago. He asked what would I do if he were to ask me to stop pursuing AKA. Even though we both knew he wouldn't really try to make me choose between him and my pursuit, I said to him, "I was interested in Alpha Kappa Alpha BEFORE you; I will continue to be interested in Alpha Kappa Alpha AFTER you."

Why does it HAVE to be one or the other? That's like asking someone to choose between a shirt and a chair because one has nothing to do with the other and you can have both as long as there is balance. I wonder what made him ask that question?

I would have to agree with FeeFee. All I can say is men come and go, but my commitment to Alpha Kappa Alpha is for LIFE.

I would also have to agree with mccoyred in saying that the two have NOTHING to do with one another. What would make him come up with something like that off the top of his head? I would question a man's security with himself if he were to roll up with some foolishness like that.

My husband never asked me to choose but makes fun of my commitment to my organization, jokingly. He has had a bad taste in his mouth about Greeks since he dated two women that were in a sorority-but at different times, and each were more committed to their frat brother's than him. Needless to say, he caught them cheating with them. He really does not understand the bond with a frat and a sorority. I love my frat brothers and love to party hop with them but I guess because of his past, he just does not trust the frat connection. I look then as big or little brothers. This was a barrier at first in our relationship but after almost four years of marriage he has grown to understand it a bit more and has faith and trust in me and not the men in the frat.:)


SKEEEEE-PHIIIIIII

Re: Your Org. or Your Significant Other?
 

Ok, here's a slight hijack on the question. What if the issue was not a matter of your boyfriend/husband simply asking you to choose, but rather your circumstances were going to force you to make a choice. For example the following 2 scenarios:

#1 You have been dating and growing closer to your boyfriend for several years. You've been working through the struggle of a long distance relationship, and he has finally popped the question and asked you to marry him. You will now be relocating to his city (just assume that he has the better job, and the plan has always been for you to move there). Meanwhile you have been persuing XYZ org for sometime, and they will be having an intake just after the time that you are scheduled to move. Do you move and start over from scratch in your new city, or do you delay your life with the man of your dreams to join the org?

#2 You are already a very active member of XYZ org (chapter president; Mrs. XYZ) yet your spouse comes home and annouces that he has been offered a significant promotion in an area where there is no active chapter of your org. While you will of course still be a member of your org., for the time being your level of activity is going to fall off sharply. Yet the promotion will mean quite a lot to your spouse as well as your family. Which do you choose? *I think this one is a little easier than the 1st*

Thoughts??? It is still the same issue of choosing the org. versus the mate, but maybe w/more reason (consequences) behind either choice.

Exactly, mccoyred. I don't know where in the world that question came from. He's known about my aspirations for as long as he's known me, but now he's voicing his displeasure about it.

:confused:

He knows firsthand how much this means to me, so I don't even know why he would come out of his mouth and say some malarkey like, "choose me or the org". :mad:

To whomever posed the question in another forum about why greeks tend to date other greeks: This is one of the main reasons. When you date a non-greek you run the risk of getting asked something crazy like this.

PerfectVerse: It sounds to me like your boyfriend is insecure. There could be a number of reasons, for instance, he may be "jealous" of the organization itself and think that if you become a member you will get so wrapped up in the org that you will forget about him. Or on the other hand, he may feel like, if you are asked to join, you will no longer think he is good enough because he isn't greek. My advice would be to address his insecurities and reassure him that neither of the above scenarios would be the case.

On to the questions:
1. I've never been given an ultimatum. Although my ex-husband was a member of a BGLO he was extremely insecure (generally, about everything) and he actually had issues with me becoming a member of AKA. I basically told him to keep his issues to himself because I wasn't trying to hear it AT ALL.

2. If given an ultimatum by a SO now, I would definitely not be a supportive person about it. Like how I just told PerfectVerse to reassure him, I don't even think I'd do that, LOL. I would probably dismiss the guy as an insecure idiot and never speak to him again. I'm super BS-intolerant these days, and I detest insecurity in any form. But that's just me.

I've never dated a man in a fraternity, so I have dealt with this a couple of times. I chose my org first. Like FeeFee said, I was interested in my org before you, and my org will be here after you. Toodles! *waving*

Like Skee said, some men are insecure and they do think that your commitment to your org will become more important than your commitment to them. It's jealousy because they're not the center of your attention. They just have to learn to understand or I just have to move on.

food for thought...
 

Don't get me wrong I love my organization but I don't let the organization make me. I think some folks put more or invest more into an organization than into their marriage. My marriage comes first and all the things that I love will continue to be a part of my relationship and me. I think if a person (mate) does not allow you to be a part of things that existed prior to him/her they will control you and if you can't be an individual in the relationship that means it has the potential to become violent. *The first sign of an abuser is control and taking you away from the things you were a part of prior to the relationship. *

Thanks for the good advice. I think you are exactly right. It's probably a combination of both reasons. He's a lil insecure as is, and I think if I were to become greek that insecurity of his may increase ten-fold. The fact that I'd be away doing community service projects, going on trips to meet other members, attending parties, and of course he's scared of the frat guys hitting on me. But his insecurities are something that we've had a problem with for a little while now, it's just that now he's attacking something that's near and dear to my heart and that's not cool. :rolleyes:

I think he is jumping the gun anyway. It's not like I've been extended an invitation or something, so all of the 'XYZ Sorority' bashing is crazy. He was even making petty comments about the sorority and stated that he doesn't like it. Well, he doesn't have to like it as long as I do.

LOL!! I think that it's a lil different in this case for you because you are already a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha. If someone were to give you an ultimatum, it would be ridiculous because your sorority is apart of who you are. That's like someone telling you to grow 4 more inches because they like tall women or it's over between you two. Or get rid of your child because they don't want to date someone with kids. You knew the child existed before the relationship began, so don't even try it.

I still think Mr. Perfect is jumping the gun here because nothing has happened as far as me becoming a member, so I think he needs to chill and we need to have a heart-to-heart about it. I've told him before that his insecurities were going to be the death of us, and if he keeps this up this relationship is going to be pushing up daisies!

The real issue here is that a man, who is NOT your husband (and I don't know how long you've been dating him), is asking you to make a choice that between two things that you may want in your life. If he is attempting to control this aspect of your life, what's next?

There should not have to be a choice but would we want to come second to our mate’s fraternity? No one wants to feel second. I think it depends on the circumstance. If you are just dating someone and they make these depends then yes there is a problem but if you have been together for years and all you do is spend time with your sorors and less with your mate, then I can see it being justified. However it should not be an ultimatum. There should be a discussion and then a compromise that does not leave both people unhappy and or one person happy. That is what relationships are about compromise and I think some times us as women we feel like oh no he didn’t and immediately jump on the defensive. Men need attention and love just like we do and if we don’t nurture that, they become what we don’t want, dogs are worse. Some times we have to lead the discursion into compromise, trust me-it will not always be the man leading the household. It is shared.

Yes, I agree. It's different if the man is your husband.

Soror, I understand what you are saying and I agree somewhat, but in terms of PV, she is NOT a member of any organization, so her time should not be consumed with any sort of activities pertaining to such. Her SO is asking her prior to membership. So, look at it this way: what would you have done had your man suggested that you forgo ever becoming a member of this sisterhood for him? Could you have done that?

I agree that a man needs as much attention as a woman, and would not want to be runner-up to her sorority. Additionally, as life progresses, I (personally) don't know many Sorors that spend more time together. If that's the case, there may be more to the story than community service.... I LOVE my Sorors DEARLY, but we all need a break every now and then. Aside from that, we work, attend school, have other actvities, and have personal relationships to foster, as I would expect young men in fraternities to have the same responsibilties. So, the continual use of "I was with my Sorors/frat" may not be a viable excuse to me.

Ultimately, such a request seems unreasonable and it's a personal choice. I know what I would do....

PerfectVerse, I've already addressed your question but I just want to tell you that the insecurity just gets worse (at least this has been my experience). When dating, you know, I thought it was kind of cute, like "oh he must really be into me. He wants all of my attention, etc." Then you'd think that after marriage, it would get better. You are saying to yourself "well hey, I COMMITTED to you dude. I MARRIED YOU. Chill out." But for me it just got worse and much more extreme and there was a control thing going on there as well. And none of it was cute. So, I'm just saying, pay attention to the small signs you are getting now. You said yourself that NOW it is an issue because he is attacking something near and dear to you...but I would guess that the signs of insecurity were there before. I'm just saying don't think that a strong commitment/marriage makes it better because in my experience it didn't.

ETA: I concur with Soror Redefined ;)

Oh most definitely not, because that would be compromising yourself. Like I stated before these are the beginning signs of abuse. If a person asks you to give up your dream or a part of an aspiration, it will only get worse. That would be a warning sign so no I would begin to wean myself away from that SO. I guess my previous advise swayed into being in an organization already because that was my situation, pardon my enthusiasm please ladies. lol

ETA: I agree with Soror SKEE, it will only get worse. And men give us signs of how they will treat us early on. We just have to decide if we will allow it.
;)

RedefinedDiva, God's Ivy, and SKEEphistAKAte: you have all made very valid points! I'd quote you each specifically, but my post would be waaaaaay too long LOL!!

I agree with you, RedefinedDiva, when you mentioned that there is a posibility that Mr. Perfect may try to control other aspects of my life. It's a scary thought, but it's definitely possible.

Gods Ivy, you are right. A compromise should be discussed and ultimatums shouldn't be thrown around. I just wish that if he truly had an issue about the possibility of me joining a sorority, he could've easily talked to me about how he felt instead of saying "My way or the highway". I don't know what has gotten into him. :(

And the fact that he isn't my husband is one of the reasons I told him that the sorority would have more appeal in my eyes. I let him know that we don't have that sort of commitment with each other, the type of life long commitment that being a member of a sorority gives its members.

I will quote this question from RefinedDiva, though:

I'd have to say that, although I love and care about Mr. Perfect, I couldn't forgo trying to become a member of XYZ sorority for him. We've been together for a little over a year now, but my love and pursuit of the organization far surpasses that time frame. Until I knew for sure that there was NO WAY possible for me to become a member at ANY TIME in my life (whether I'm 20 or 60 if I'm extended an invitation), I don't plan on giving up. And if he couldn't understand how important that is to me, then it's apparent that he doesn't know PerfectVerse at all after over a year of knowing one another. I'd hate to lose him, but if he isn't confident in the fact that the love for the sorority wouldn't overshadow my love for him, then it's just not meant to be.

Obviously there are TONS of people who are members of GLOs who have been able to have meaningful relationships and continue to be active members in their respective organizations, so I don't know why Mr. Perfect believes that the only way we both can be happy is if he exits stage left IF I'm even extended an invitiation to join. I'm sure there would be someone out there for me and would be more than willing to accept every aspect of me and my life if Mr. Perfect feels incapable of doing so.

To be honest, you've described what has been going on in my relationship for awhile now.

Not to go into too much detail, but I did feel like Mr. Perfect's jealous ways were 'cute'. My exes before him were a lil possessive, but Mr. Perfect took things to a whole new level. I thought he was just protecting me, especially after a few scary incidents that I've had happen to me. I was just glad that he was looking out for me so closely.

But then it started to get really annoying, like I couldn't do anything without him watching me or wanting to be there. And eventually we broke up. But that only lasted about two weeks because we'd talked things through and he finally admitted that he did have a problem and he wanted to work things out.

He still does a few things that I don't care for too much, but he's much better than he's been before.

This has caused me to re-evaluate things. Not just because of my desire to become a member of a sorority, but because I wonder if he's going to act this way with whatever I want to do on my own.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by PerfectVerse06
[B]RedefinedDiva, God's Ivy, and SKEEphistAKAte: you have all made very valid points! I'd quote you each specifically, but my post would be waaaaaay too long LOL!!

In deed and nicely put perfectverse. I will keep you in my prayers but think of it as pursuing your dreams and not losing a man and yes you are right, if it was meant to be it will be. My mother gave me the best advice when I was 14 years old. She told me if you love something enough set if free and if it comes back to you it was meant to be. So true, my husband came back to me when I let him go. We were in a long distance relationship for two years and have been married for 4. The good will out way the bad and ultimately what God says is meant for you is for you and nothing less.

Much love to you. :)

http://templeoffaithclg.org/images/s...sisterhood.jpg

Awwww, you're gonna make me cry, Gods Ivy!!! Thank you so much!

:)

I really do appreciate the prayers. This is a tough thing to do, not just pursuing membership but dealing with relationships as well. They both put you on an emotional rollercoaster where you'll experiences highs and lows. In the end you may be successful and find love or become apart of the organization of your choice, or your relationship may fizzle or you never become a member. Having a life long relationship with your significant other and being extended an invitation are NOT guaranteed, so all you can do is give your all in either situation. No matter what, the outcome is what God has planned for you and He knows what's best for you. He knows how much you can bear, and in the end you will be happy and appreciate ALL that has happened to you, even if you don't agree with it at first. Everything DOES work out for you in the end if you just TRUST IN HIM!

So I plan on giving it all to God, and letting Him do His work. I'll let Him speak to me on this issue with Mr. Perfect and I'll let Him tell me what to do. Even if my family, friends, and loved ones don't have my best interest at hand, I know for sure that He does, so who out there is better to put your trust in than HIM?

Much love to you as well, Gods Ivy!!

:D

Much love to you too. Girl that is what we do. God bless and hang in there. :) ;)