Depledging and rushing again
 

I depledged last semester for personal reasons. Since then, I have gotten things in order and am considering rushing again. I was pretty exscited to do it, but then I talked to a couple of the sisters of the sorority I depledged because I kept contact with them and they seemed kind of annoyed or pissed off that I was thinking about pledging again. One of them was even a depledge herself that repledged... so I don't understand why she seemed angry about it. She said that some of the houses don't care if your a depledge and some do but it was said in a way that made it seem like she wished I wouldn pledge or even rush. Now I am just confused, because I really want to do it, but I think that since I depledged I'll have a bad reputation and no one will even want me at their rush party. The kicker here is that I go to a college in a semi-small town so the sororities know and talk to each other A LOT, so I don't know what they've told each other about me> I don't know... just confused, tell me what you think.

Thanks,
Cherish

I know someone who depledged my sorority because she didn't feel that it was her home and the following year pledged the group that she did feel was her home. Gtown is a small place and we all know each others business. But no one thought the lesser of her. NOW when she was rerushing the following year, it was weird having her at our events because we knew that she didn't want us. But it was okay for all... we got her twin sister instead.

The reason the other girls may not want you to rerush is because they think that you didn't want their group. Are you open to the group you depledged or was it like my groups situation where you didn't want to be an ABC?

If you are open to the old group, then let them know... but expect to be cut from them right away. I would tell you to rush again and follow your heart. IF your friends are your friends then they will be your friends even if you rerush and pledge a different group. Also be ready to answer questions on why you depledged ABC and why you think that you are ready to pledge XYZ this time.

I depledged, because I was going through a lot of stuff with my family and was so stressed out beyond belief. It had nothing to do with the sorority. I loved those girls and they seemed to feel the same about me, but as soon as I depledged, they began to ignore me or when they saw me anywhere, they'd glare at me and then pretend I wasn't there. I've tried to explain that it was deeply personal issues that caused me to depledge, not them, but I guess they do not want to hear that.

Not to flame you or anything, but if a girl told me that she had to depledge for family issues... I'd wonder why my sorority had anything to do with that -- we're not her biological family and all we want is to support her through difficult times. Many sororities have seen "family issues" as a reason for a new member's depledging before -- sometimes this was truthful, sometimes it wasn't. Think of it this way: if someone told you she couldn't be friends with you anymore because of family issues, you'd wonder why too.

I'll bet you're honest, so I'll just tell you to give them another chance: they chose you and now you're gone and they're hurt... rightfully or not. They feel rejected. If you want another chance, let them know through your actions that you're really, totally and sincerely wanting to be a member again.

ETA: if you don't want to be a member again and want to possibly join another sorority, like people said before, expect some cuts but I know of lots of success stories were women depledge and join another house where they're very happy. Some houses care, some don't. Even in small towns. Good luck!

It's your college years, make em count. Don't give up your chance to rush just because you think it will annoy some people. Go in there and be polite and mature. Maybe you'll make it, maybe you won't... can't know until you try!

The worst thing that can happen is that you won't get a bid and things will be exactly as they are now. You don't have anything to lose.

Exactly. :)

Can I tell you how much I would love to have been a fly on the wall at MS when the twin sisters came up for discussion? Very tricky to handle correctly. Big props to your chapter. :D

If you want to re-rush, then do it. But know that since your Greek community is so tight that part of your personal sales pitch will include the reasons you dropped out of sorority A. Stick to your story and don't paint the sorority in a negative light. Do still expect some heavier cuts due to rumors and possibly because of your status as an upperclassman.

Good luck. In the next few months, take the time to get good grades and make a positive name for yourself on campus by getting involved with some meaningful activities and community service. Be on your best behavior when you go out on the town or to parties because the sororities are watching.

I don't want to sound mean to the chapter, but if these girls were really your friends (and it really all depends on how long you were a pledge for) I don't understand why they didn't support you? I say this speaking from experience. When I was a freshman a sister in my Alpha class actually had to leave the chapter because her father lost his job. We all were devastated to lose her as a sister.

I mean to me, if they really gave a shit about you, why did they start ignoring you and treating you crappy after you depledged. I don't know you but I believe you when you say you had to depledge due to family issues. Unfortunately that happens because it's life.

I don't know for me personally I don't know if I could rejoin a chapter that treated me the way they seemed to treat you. I don't care how much I thought I loved them. I'd be weary of their concern, is it only contigent on if I'm actually an initiated sister?

Maybe it's just me though. I know that if there was an Alpha (when I was in college) that had to drop, and I absolutely adored her as a sister (as did the rest of the chapter) I wouldn't be able to cut her out of my life. I'd still want to make sure she was doing okay, because I would be her friend. And friends are supposed to give a shit when you're going through stuff.

I'm sorry I'm rattling. Feel free to disagree with me.

I blame my ramblings on lack of food at the moment :D

I am in a similar situation execpt I quit my fraternity for a number of reasons, I would recomend trying another sorority. If you think you would like to try again, I don't see why you shouldn't try again.

Like Emily said, it all depends on the situation. If she happened to be the 10th girl in two years who (truthfully or untruthfully) blamed something on "family issues," well, like it or not, you are going to pay for those who came before you, even if your intentions are totally honorable.

I think that they are probably hurt that she didn't feel she could confide in them - but sometimes people don't get that different individuals deal with things differently. Some want to talk on & on about it, some clam up. Some want lots of friends around them, some want to deal with it alone. I'm dealing with this situation right now - one of my friends had been having major problems with her boyfriend and didn't tell me, then didn't understand why I didn't get some of the things she's been doing.

And to be honest with you all, I did feel like my original response was a little harsh... but it's the truth. If we have a member depledge, 99% of the time she'll say it's because of "financial" or "family issues." It's one thing if we know her mom just lost her job, say, or her dad is very ill... but if it came out of the clear blue, it's going to be met with some shock and possibly hurt feelings.

Last fall, a girl we adored depledged citing "financial issues" only to turn around and start HEAVILY "courting" another sorority. It was like a slap in the face. So I urge the OP to try to look at the sorority like a hurt friend. If the girls really are spiteful/bitchy... well, in time, you'll come out on top :)

Also, the new member period is so brief. Who can really get to know you -- the real you-- in just 4-8 weeks? Friendships take years to cultivate. Just because you join a sorority does not entitle you to 60 new best friends. It is a 2-way street. If you don't come around, if you close yourself off, if you drop out at the very beginning, you really have not had time yet to develop that tight circle of friends and outside of the general concern of a few close acquaintances made in those few weeks (pledge sisters, the new member coordinator, your big sis), no one really knows you, your character or what's going on. This can even be true of some members who have belonged to the organization for 4 years.

Re-rush and best of luck. You can make wonderful friends and share great memories in college-- some that will last a lifetime. But often the truest friendships really don't reveal themselves until years after college.

If you de-pledged for family/financial reasons and neither you nor the sorority gave one another a chance... there could be a prime opportunity to try and rekindle that spark. But in reality, at many schools, once you depledge, no matter the reason, you are damaged goods. You are going to have to stick to one simple story and cite maturity, demonstrate financial ability, and what you will contribute because having dropped out of one, you don't present the strongest kind of member-- having friends in other chapters (Friends who will talk you up and make other people want you) is the exception. Likely, you could be heavily cut in recruitment this go round, but you should give it a try, because you might find that connection you are looking for. And you never know until you try.

I agree with everyone else that you need to be upfront and honest. As soon as the sorority you depledged from sees you are on the list for recruitment, they may tell other chapters or people may already know.

As for the other sorority, maybe talk with the president before you go through recruitment. A lot of times we've had some great girls leave and they never really sit down and discuss why they are doing it or really go into detail whats going on with them. They may also not know you truly wanted to be a part of the organization. We hear that sometimes from people who want to be at another sorority or who just dont care or even people who are doing bad in school. Make sure they know this is no way a excuse.

Don't just drop them because they weren't supportive. Why, because maybe they didnt know exactly what happened or excatly how much you wanted to be a part of their sorority but couldnt.

Its really hard if you are on a small greek campus people hear things and you dont always get a chance to set the rumors straight. Dont be afraid though.

As long as you are honest and very open with the recruitment process you'll be fine. People just get nervous when they hear someone left a chapter and they wonder why or if it is the truth.

I'm sure you know this, but that analogy just doesn't work. At all.
GLO's, especially during pledging, are a huge time and financial commitment. If you have to slightly neglect a friend, hang out with her less, not do everything with her that she wants you to, because you have family crises that are eating up your time and energy, she might be hurt, but ultimately it wouldn't be a permanent and official end to your friendship (if she's a true friend!). If that happens during pledging, if you can't fulfill your commitments to the sorority and you have to depledge, that's entirely different from neglecting a friendship that you can always return to.

I've known girls who depledge for all kinds of reasons--some of which tend to be that their heart was somewhere else. Perhaps you need to talk to some of your friends from your pledged chapter and explain why you left--that way, they won't assume you're leaving them for elsewhere.

Folks are right--you're considered "damaged goods" by a lot of folks, whether the shoe really fits or not. Put your best foot forward, get recommendations to the sororities again, and tell the truth if you're asked about pledging a sorority previously. It seems like there's no shame in your story, but just remember to present yourself as well as you can as a responsible person that folks would like to see in their chapter.

That's why I said it would be as if you told a friend straight up that you couldn't be friends with her anymore. I didn't say it's like temporarily neglecting a friend.

Yes, everyone knows there's more to a sorority relationship than a friendship (mandatory events, money) but only in the most dire cases can some kind of arrangement not be worked out for a sister in need. Temporary alumni status/chapter status/"abroad" status are all options that we've exercised for girls with money and family issues. That's why we don't understand when girls depledge/deactivate and don't give us a chance to help.

ETA: And we have special arrangments specifically for new members that can allow them to transfer their new member period to a later date.

Depending on the size of your school, you might have a real problem during rush. Sororities and frats usually know every d-bag, it sounds impossible but its true, and take it as an insult for your leaving. If you are seriously going to go thru rush again, your best bet is to approach the topic on a personal level with the group you left. Talk with as many members as you can. Goodluck!

It's a shame you felt you had to de-pledge in order to deal with your family problems. Your (former) sisters may have been able to lend you support during this difficult time.

I can't speak for other sororities, but ours has options available for a new member to go inactive in extreme cases of financial, personal, and health crises. Then they once life has settled down, they are able to return.

Here's an example. Not long ago one of our new member's boyfriend since Jr. High was killed in a car accident a week or two after she joined. Obviously she was devastated. She didn't withdraw from school, but moved back home and commuted to classes only. She asked what she could do because while she didn't want to quit, she was not in any kind of mindframe to be involved. She was granted inactive status and she chose to return after a semester. She's become an active, loved and valued member since.

That's neither here nor there, so back to the original question. It's going to be difficult as some of the Chapters may frown on your decision if they don't know or understand your situation. It will be up to you to explain it to them. I would suggest you try to do so before recruitment through conversations with friends. Another suggestion would be perhaps to have those writing your recommendations to mention it in their letters.

This may or may not help. It will especially be difficult if as was already mentioned some of the Chapters have been "burned" by other former members using "family problems" as an excuse.

But you never know how things will go unless you try. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. I hope that if you do pursue recruitment, the Chapters will be opened minded and understanding.

Seeing as it has been nearly a month since the OP has posted... I think we're all talking to ourselves!