Another Marriage Question
 

Ok, so the Marriage Recipe thread and its discussion of pre-nups got me to thinking...

1. In this day and age when folk are getting married older and more established (in terms of property acquisition), etc. do you do the title transfer of your separately-acquired assets into each other's joint names after marriage? What would you do?
Ladies, do you expect him to do so or can he keep his stuff in his name alone? Men, do you expect her to do so or can she keep her stuff in her name alone?

2. For those who are for pre-nups, are you also for keeping all of your separately-acquired property in your name and not mingling it or its profits with the property that you acquire together?

3. When you pay the bills, is it 50/50 or per the share of income that each brings into the house?

4. Is the way that you deal with the management of finances indicative of your trust or love for the other person?


SC

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

I wouldn't transer any separately-acquired assets. He can keep his stuff as well.

Keeping it separate. Mine is Mine. His is His. Ours is Ours.

I'm not paying any household bills. Either it would be totally traditional where I wouldn't work at all and I took care of the household and children and did lots of big community service type things. OR If I worked, my salary would be my personal spending money. Otherwise it is a no-go.

I don't think so. I just feel like, I've tried things the other way around and it didn't work for me. So I wouldn't waste time trying to go the 50/50 (which never really is 50/50) route again. I'm cool on that. I wouldn't love my mate any less or distrust them any more. I know what wouldn't work for me. At the same time I am not dying to be married like most single, never-before-married people, so if I couldn't get things the way I want them, I'm good with being single...we could just date. :)

Re: Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Skee, I'll just say this:

You can't conduct a marriage as if it was a business proposition, which from your post you make it sound like, or at least that is how you want your marriage. The true essence of marriage goes much deeper than that, it is about being one flesh in every sense of the word, the combining of mind, body, spirit, and soul. If you approach marriage with that mindset, then pre-nups and divorce would be a non-issue for you. OTOH, because you have been recently divorced, I can understand your reasoning for thinking this way, and perhaps as you have indicated, you are good with being single.

Don't let your divorce cloud your view of what a marriage should be all about.

Re: Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Wow you are starting to sound like my mother. Divorce has made her like this too:(

Contrary to popular opinion marriage IS a business proposition. You have to sign legal documents (a contract) to begin one. You have to go to court and sign more legal documents (contract) to end one. It involves the legal transfer of property, etc. Marriage IS very much a business, if it weren't none of this legal stuff would be necessary. The rest is fairytale rhetoric.

Re: Re: Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Yep. Divorce didn't do this to me though, MARRIAGE did. Divorce was merely the culmination of my unhappiness with the marital situation. To me the marriage was the bad thing (all of the negative things came of it) and divorce was the good thing (brought about an end to the unhappiness). Maybe you only see it that way if you've experienced it. *shrugs*

I promise I'm not bitter. I hope I'm not coming across that way. I just have views on marriage that are different from the norm.And those views are a result of my marriage not my divorce. I tried to keep the rose colored glasses and fairytale view as long as I could, but reality was slapping me in the face. Now I know the realities of marriage and I'm cool on it. But I don't judge other people who want to do it the traditional way. As it is with everything else in life, I feel like people should do what works for them, you know. I would never say the traditional or some new variation of it is wrong- different maybe but never wrong.

ETA: My whole post wasn't directed at you DSTinguished. I was speaking generally. No one on GC has said that my views are wrong either, just speaking generally guys.

A good friend of mine had a house before she got married. Hubby's finances were a wreck!!! By the time they had been married 5 years, he had gotten his life much more together, and she added him to the deed as an anniversay gift. That made sense to me.

Re: Re: Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Unfortunately, it can make you bitter. I'm not divorced (yet), but just going toward the process is enough. I'm not totally swearing off marriage, but I tell ya what - things will definitely be different from here on. But I have to soften up first, because right now. . . well, let's just say it'll take me a while to open up again.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Another Marriage Question
 

No I understand...trust me I do.

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

1. He can keep is stuff in his name. I don't need my name on everything he owns and vice versa. Whatever we buy together is a separate issue.

2. Whatever we acquire separately stays that way, and whatever is ours will be ours.

3. I don't want to do the 50/50. I would feel as if I'm a roommate instead of a wife. Before I say I do, we will be going for financial counseling so we can get that ironed out.

4. Finances are important and if he was the type that couldn't manage his money properly then you know, a red flag would be raised with regard to marriage. Finances is the leading reason of divorce and I refuse to go down like that.

Very eye opening.

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

In regards to property such as a home/land, I do expect us to either buy a new home together (and sell the old stuff) or for one of us to either transfer the assets into the other spouse's name. Each spouse should also be listed as a beneficiary regarding financial matters. Other stuff (like a car, boat, etc.) he can keep in his name and I will do likewise.

We will have one checking account so it won't matter.

YES!

Marriage is a business in the sense that there must be a sense of order in combining two separate entities from a legal standpoint, but that is only an earthly representation of what is happening from a spiritual standpoint.

Regardless, no matter how you think of marriage, be it from a legal business standpoint or a romantic fairytale standpoint, at the end of the day you are still begging the most critical question of all:

Where is the love? ;)

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Answering my own questions... :)

Re: Re: Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Considering the majority of marriages end in divorce because of financial issues, that is enough proof for me that marriage IS in fact a business. You are not only spiritually and emotionally bonding with that person, but also legally and financially.

1. In this day and age when folk are getting married older and more established (in terms of property acquisition), etc. do you do the title transfer of your separately-acquired assets into each other's joint names after marriage? What would you do?
Ladies, do you expect him to do so or can he keep his stuff in his name alone? Men, do you expect her to do so or can she keep her stuff in her name alone?

There is no transferring of any ownership to something we owned before our union. We have talked about this. Homeownership is a personal goal of mine before marriage, however, we will NOT live as a couple in MY house. As a married couple, we would have to live in a home we purchased together. ETA: We would either keep my first home as an investment property and rent to tenants or sell it and begin our savings with the profit.

2. For those who are for pre-nups, are you also for keeping all of your separately-acquired property in your name and not mingling it or its profits with the property that you acquire together?

3. When you pay the bills, is it 50/50 or per the share of income that each brings into the house?

We would have to discuss it and decide what works best for our family. I am more inclined to say per the share of income. I would want that to determine how much each of us are required to contribute to our shared account, family savings, and then the rest is your business. Honestly, I wouldn't mind a house husband.

4. Is the way that you deal with the management of finances indicative of your trust or love for the other person?

I'm still debating this one.

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

As a person who is married, I must say the responses are interesting....but these are MY OPINIONS and what WE do....

1. When we got married his father bought us a home and it was in my husband's name only. I was ok with that. However, after some time we were both on the title so now it's 50/50. In our new home *I* own the house but he shares the title. If we should split I have no problem with a 50-50 split. So I guess I'm saying I'm ok with any arrangement as long as it's fair.

2.I have no problem with siging a pre-nup ONLY IF you have substantial assets that you want to maintain separately. However, in my case no pre-nup.

3. In our house my huband deposits around 60% of his income to our joint account. Now Imma get a little heated so excuse me ladies....When we got married, I THOUGHT that we would share a joint account and deposit equally into it. (even if we maintained separate accts. I expected equal donation to the joint) My husband has refused for years to have a ONE joint acct...ok...but yet he will go out pay blanket bills wothout assessing our budget this in turn effects the joint. (Now I direct deposit my monies into our joint ) or MY MONEY. Now he uses the phrase *but its our money no matter what account it's in* however, when I ask him for the card to access *our acct.* I get the riot act over it. Quite frankly I am tired of that sh*t. It's like he wants to manage our finances but yet I end up paying what needs to be paid after he fu*ks up (he gives me the money of course). I left out alot...post would be too long..

to make a long story short, even if you discuss how you will do things it still may not pan out but still have the discussion! This was my greatest mistake. which leads to the last question ....

4. yes, because we as humans will use that as a tool for determining how well one makes decisions, if a man/woman is a good provider, and if she/he can financially take of you and your children should something occur or not. and we may even compare that person to a parent or sibling who is effective and look to the other person as unstable, ungiving, or reckless. This could lead to depression, affect sex, happiness/moods, and overall feelings about the relationship. No money can make you fall outta love real quick if the man/woman can't handle their business...TRUST ME I KNOW!!!

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

Soror SC, well you know here in Texas, any assets acquired during the marriage are Community Property. So as much as I can keep Separate Property the better (and vice versa). It might be easier for some couples to do this for tax purposes or even if one person has a significant amount of debt (which in Texas, this can be tricky).

With my SO (significant other), I wouldn't get a pre-nup per se but we would have some kind of contractual obligation to protect certain assets from being commingled in the community estate.

I do think that they way you handle the management of finances is indicative of trust, love and most importantly R.E.S.P.E.C.T. for the other person. If your SO has the potential or doesn't have the potential to earn a certain amount of income and acquire a certain amount of assets (meaning that person is more of a liability than an asset to the Community Estate), it's only fair that the person take some precautions. And even if couples do not have pre-nups, my advice is to draw up a will immediately after getting married to make provisions for one another (in case of an emergency).

Just my .08 cents!

We broke every rule in the book 'cuz of love...

And in some ways we are paying for it but not with money... More with time and attitude adjustments...

Anyhow, we decided to have a "State of the Proposed Union" and "put our cards on the table"... The "cost analysis" and "balance sheet" to having a "partnership agreement".

Then we eloped.

Then we saw a financial planner who took all our assets and liabilities, convinced us to buy some stuff, and make a realistic long range plan. The kind of info, that was asked, would be very difficult for some folks to skrait out lie, but it is possible. When you actually see a licensed broker who has your best interest at heart, he or she really opens your eyes to the reality of you and your mates assets.

Once we got those in order, we were able to break down our financial arrangements, what bills to pay.

Too much of his and my stuff are tied up into our own individual accounts. Since my brother pissed me off, I put my husband as my beneficiary to most of my accounts... I am the beneficiary to most of my husbands accounts - at least that is what he says - I know I got WHOLE LIFE on his assets...

So we pay our own bills for what we do. Each of us pay part of the household bills and it is not 50/50 - he pays more. Then we have a household account to pay for groceries and joint items. We also have a brokerage account for the house we want. We are currently living in his residence (townhome); however, I may purchase one at my old residence in SoCal for income property or all out sell it...

But I highly recommend first seeing counsellors before you marry. Don't go on whim...

Spiritual
Financial
& Legal...

Re: Another Marriage Question
 

1. In this day and age when folk are getting married older and more established (in terms of property acquisition), etc. do you do the title transfer of your separately-acquired assets into each other's joint names after marriage? What would you do?

He lived in his own duplex before we got married and we are there now until we get a house. My name isn't on it and that is fine with me.Once we get a house we may keep it for investment income. I have land in VA that is in my mom's name that he doesn't want his name on so it works for us.

Ladies, do you expect him to do so or can he keep his stuff in his name alone? Men, do you expect her to do so or can she keep her stuff in her name alone? If we had it prior, then it is seperate but anything from then out isn't.

2. For those who are for pre-nups, are you also for keeping all of your separately-acquired property in your name and not mingling it or its profits with the property that you acquire together?

No pre-nup..

3. When you pay the bills, is it 50/50 or per the share of income that each brings into the house?
He makes more than I do but we both contribute to the joint account for bills and household expenses. We both maintain seperate checking accounts and we have a joint savings account (for saving for the house). This way works for us, it may not for everyone but we like it

4. Is the way that you deal with the management of finances indicative of your trust or love for the other person?

No because before we married we put all our cards (and credit reports + scores) on the table. We accounted for all debt that we had seperately to each other and when we were expecting to have it paid off. He was great at managing his own money and paying bills before we were married (toghether for 4 years prior no live in) and so was I so we were already on that wavelength about credit and bills.