joke of the day
 

Everyone needs a good laugh on hump day.

Why women should avoid a girls’ night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

:D That was an excellent joke.

HILARIOUS!!!!!

lmao.... oh snap i had to share that one with the office hahaha

shiet. if my wife ever lied to me like that, she'd get the backhand and a dutch oven.

Damn. Dutch oven son? You need some red vines and mr. pibb ASAP!

-Rudey

LMAO

Hahaha....niiiice.

HAHAHA nice way to wake up froma drunk nite out! lol

lol that was funny! :)

It's clearly time for another pick-me-up.

How To Shower Like a Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, put hands on hips and shake your lower torso at her, making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

4. Admire the size of your privates and scratch your butt.

5. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

7. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

9. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

10. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

11. Rinse off and get out of shower.

12. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
13. Admire privates in mirror again.

14. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

15. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake lower torso at her, and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

16. Leave wet towel on bed.



How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

7. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes or until red.

8. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

9. Rinse conditioner off hair.

10. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

11. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Hang large body-drying towel.

12. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

13. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

That had me laughing out loud in the office. :D

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "MY GOD, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

I read this one in Maxim this month:

Q: What's the German word for constipation?

A: farfrompoopin

Keep 'em coming! I love jokes! In fact, I love them so much, I was married one for a while!





farfrompoopin - I'll have to remember that!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!!

And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows

HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED

OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find

the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD

for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them

2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID

light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE

WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER

CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF

RUBBISH THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE

AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!!!!!!! I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: A PBS mind in an MTV world
Posts: 20,502
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

So my dad had a dog that was half Rotttweiler and half St. Bernard. He was a pretty confused dog though. He ripped off my dad's arm then went for help.

----

Ugh, I was gonna tell another one but it's SO not funny if you don't hear it in person.

LOL so glad this got bumped!

What do vegan zombies eat?

GRAIIINNNSSS. GRAIIIINNNSSSS!

Wait - is OTW actually banned, and why?

I know I've really been on a couple minutes a day for the past year or so, but WTF???

Woah, that's news to me, too!

So, that post I just quoted now says "Unregistered User" with 0 posts.

Did OTW get John to delete her account?

I'm so confused.

Got another joke!

So there was a Blonde Convention of about 1000 blondes, and one day they had a meeting and they wanted to prove to the world that they are in fact smart. The speaker pulled a random participant from the audience and announced that she would ask her some math problems to prove that blondes are not dumb.

The speaker asked, "What's 84 + 25?" The girl said, "Umm...ummm...200?" "No, no, that's not it."

Then the crowd got excited and said, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

So then the speaker asked, "Ok, what's 20 + 40?" And the girl said, "Ummm...50?" "No, sorry, that's not it."

The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Finally the speaker asked, "Alright, what's 2 + 2?" The girl thought about it and said, "Ummm....4?"

"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

I'm also confused about the OTW situation.