rejections starting to hurt again...what should I do?
 

I wasn't really sure where to post this so I am just posting it here and if it needs to be moved, then so be it.

Anyway. Anyone who read my recruitment story knows that unlike most of the girls who have posted in that forum, I did not get a bid to a sorority. However, my roommate and neighbor were fortunate and got bids to one of the same sororities I wanted to be in. This is what made the rejection hit especially hard.

Well as it turns out, the weekend after bids day (bids day was a Thursday night here), I had planned to take a trip home to visit my family and do some things I enjoyed...basically just getting a break from campus in general. I took the advice of the GCers on here and used the trip home to heal from the rejection and refocus so that I could come back to school ready to move on. I am involved in other activities, work on campus, and have non Greek friends, so I thought moving on would be a piece of cake. And last week I was fine.

However, tonight I could feel the pain of rejection coming back. My roommate was happy last week b/c she got the big sister she was hoping to get and she also recieved various gifts from her big. It's not that I'm unhappy for my roommate or was feeling sorry for myself over my rejection, but seeing her excitement hurt me. I want to have letters on my wall and have a big sister and hang out with a pledge class. Like I said, it's not that I don't have friends or don't have clubs to be in...but as has been said on here, nothing is a substitute for Greek Life.

The other part that's hard is seeing how other girls I rushed with got into sororities and they also have this pledging experience to enjoy. It's difficult looking at sorority websites and seeing the pictures of the new pledge class...at least one of which had people I knew in them. Also Facebook photo albums can be kind of a dead giveaway since pictures from bids night are up in various photo albums on there too.

I don't understand what happened all of a sudden. Last week I was moving on just fine and going about my other activities and being with friends...now all of a sudden, all the hurt is coming back.

What should I do?

Your story breaks my heart. Rejection is never easy regardless if its joining a group, a job, a relationship, whatever. I know this is very cliche - time really does heal wounds. It stinks at the time, but it will get easier. Whenever I'm down, I totally immerse myself with my job. Maybe you could immerse yourself with your non-greek activities, schoolwork, your job, anything to take your mind off of it. I'm very sorry that you are hurting right now. Hang in there. ;)

I apologize if my advice is off the mark, since I am unaware of the general greek climate at your university. However, at my school, there are always people in your situation after every recruitment. It seems like the girls who are in your situation (i.e. going through recruitment but not being placed) do one of three things:

1. Refocusing their hurt energy into making a successful second recruitment.
2. Refocusing their hurt energy into a new activity (club, group of friends, etc.) that will allow them to blossom as much or more than a sorority would.
3. Going on about their lives just fine but with bitterness toward Greeks.

In my experience, those are the three things that happen to women after a disappointing recruitment. If you were to ask me, I would suggest option number one for you. I understand it would be difficult, and it could be potentially heartbreaking again but you said yourself that you WANT a sorority experience -- letters, bid nights, and all that fun stuff that goes along with it. However, you are the ONLY one that can evaluate whether or not this option is feasible for you.... you need to be absolutely honest with yourself, but if you want the Greek experience then you should try again.

To be honest with you, it takes a lot of women a 2nd or even 3rd recruitment to find their home. I am of the opinion that there's no shame in trying again (at some schools it is next to impossible to receive a bid after an unsuccessful first recruitment, so you need to objectively look at your Greek climate and figure out what the prospects are for going through recruitment again). If your school has decent prospects for upperclasswomen or "rerushees," then you MIGHT want to consider it. But again, please decide for yourself -- I don't know your situation well enough to strongly advise you either way.

If option number one is NOT for you, then just know that time will heal. It's a waiting game, and it's understandable that you would be especially sensitive in light of the bid nights, little-big weeks, parties, new member activities, etc. The hurt will pass. Waiting is all you can do, but after awhile, you can focus your energy into something else that will give you fulfillment. I'm not going to stand here and say "Oh, join a club -- it will make up for the fact that you're not in a sorority." You CAN find something that will give you fulfillment, and it might be different but it's no less valid than the satisfaction you would get by joining a GLO.

Please don't pick option 3. I'm not saying you WOULD, but I see so many beautiful, smart, talented women who would have had an entirely successful second recruitment fall into the "I'm a GDI, I hate f-in Greek life" trap. You are smart enough and strong enough to have the kind of life where you will gracefully manage hurting and disappointment. I promise you that.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I hope I haven't given you totally terrible advice, but I loved your story and I do wish you all the luck in the world. Please keep us updated. Lots of love and good karma is being sent your way. :)

I_Love_Penguins, please check your PM box :)

It's been awhile since recruitment ended. Have you considered seeing the counseling center on your campus? It's free and confidential and maybe they can help you get over this and refocus yourself. Dwindling on what might have been won't get you anywhere. You need to focus on yourself and your future.

*hugs*
I'm sorry you had a setback when your roomate got her big sister.
Sometimes it happens. It's perfectly normal to be a bit envious . I agree it's not easy. You've shown a great deal of depth by being able to get along with your Greek roomate. You've figured out that you need to work through those feelings of envy that can pop up at the most unexpected moments.

I agree with kddani that your campus's(sp?) counseling center would be a great place for you to get a plan in place so you know what to do when these feelings happen the next time. The coping skills you learn now will serve you well after you've graduated from college.

Also do yourself a favor and try to avoid looking at sorority websites and Greek Facebook(sp?) pages. There's no need to add fuel to the fire regarding negative thoughts about yourself. You don't need it nor do you deserve it.

The Original Poster started this thread on 2/21 which was just a week and a half after she didn't receive a bid. I hope that a month later she is feeling better about the situation.

Kddani is right. See a campus counselor. It took me a semester to get over the rejection. Getting over the rejection is not easy, but it will pass. I so happy that you and your room/hallmates are still friends. Please, please work on your grades.

I'm sorry sweetheart. Rejections hurt, and are not easy to get over. I'm sorry you had a setback. I know that's hard. Just to continue to try to focus on the positives. You have to try to look forward. B/c you never know what's ahead and what you'll miss out on by looking at the past.

*hugs* I hope you have a better week.

Wow! Sorry for not responding to everyone's advice sooner; I just assumed my thread had disappeared. Plus I haven't really been on the rush forum in the last few days. My apologies.

But yes, I am feeling better about the situation. Time has been flying around here and after that setback, I did manage to get involved in my schoolwork and my job and other things I love. I am still considering rushing again in the fall, but only if I have time to go through formal rush again. It will all depend on when I end up working and whatnot. If the entire rush process doesn't fit into my schedule, I'm going to try to COB or go to Alpha Phi Omega. I know APhiO isn't the same thing, but it's still worth a shot. It's just too early for me to make a decision about it.

Yesterday I returned to school from spring break and upon checking my mailbox, I recieved a flyer from the Greek Life office that sorority sweeten ups are being held tonight again. I'm not really sure why because I didn't know my school did that at this stage of the semester, but I think I'm going to go. Even though it's just basically an info night again, I think it'll help me decide for sure if I want to put myself through the entire process.

Only seven weeks left of school here!

There are plenty of GC Alpha Phi Omegas who can share their great experiences with you -- I hope you enjoy meeting the chapter on your campus and learning what they are all about. Also, have fun at the sweeten-ups-- is this an informal recruitment event? I say go for it-- the climate is going to be a lot more laid back than formal and you'll have a chance to really get a sense of the members and they of you that you perhaps missed out on in formal. Go in with an open mind and have a great time!

Alpha Phi Omega is not a substitute for a social sorority or fraternity.

Please only pursue membership in Alpha Phi Omega if you are truly looking for a SERVICE FIRST fraternity experience. Doing otherwise is disrespectful to our fraternity and its brothers.

Well unfortunately I just realized I am probably going to be unable to attend tomorrow night's sorority event because I might have to work and it's too late to ask for the night off. Plus work is just more important to me...gotta get that money! :p But I'm not abandoning my thoughts of re-rushing just cause I can't attend tomorrow night.

I agree on this point and am disappointed that If You do not get accepted in a Social GLO that You consider APO a substitue.

APO is a Stand alone Greek Letter Organization that should stand on its own as a Serivce Organizatin. It is Important in Its own right.

While I and the rest wish You the very best of Luck, it is not the end of the world if Not accepted by a GLO Social Organization. Maybe it is not ment for everyone.

There are many factors that keep people out and who knows that but those Organizations.

The Best to You!

I don't think she meant any harm in what she said about APO. I think it's just the way she stated it in her sentence.

I didn't mean anything negative against APhiO. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I know many many people in our campus APhiO chapter and they are all great people. I am into community service and wish I could do more of it...that's why I brought it up as an option. I should've mentioned that before. Sorry to anyone I offended.

Do you have the option of starting a new sorority on campus?
Is there any school that you want to transfer to?

These are two backdoor ways that you can become Greek.

If you never make it, here's a way to look at things...

Counseling won't make you feel better, lol. Filling that void, will. Think of filling the voids (whatever they are) as an end, think of sorority life as a mean. It is a great mean, but not the only mean. There are other ways to keep your self happy during and after college, but you will have to search for it. I eventually did after dropping out. There's light at the end of the tunnel. :)

LOL.

It's possible though, lol. I won't name names. And as someone who dropped out and regretted it for a while, I don't blame them at all.

Here's my update:

I did in fact get called into work tonight (we are constantly shorthanded where I work, so I don't really like to bail out when I am called on to come in) so I had to miss the sweeten ups event. However, my friend went and she said that she spoke to our Greek Life coordinator...and apparently there will be another rush period. I am not sure if this is a formal rush period or what the deal is. So I will keep everyone up to speed as soon as I get more info.

Oh cool! I'm not sure what sweeten ups are, we dont' have that at my school - but I'm glad your friend went and got info for you.

Be sure to be on the lookout for the second rush period - it might be COB. But keep a look out b/c COB goes by very quickly for some chapters and a lot of girls dont' even know about it!!!!! So be sure to keep updating yourself on what's going on.

See.....we all sent you positive thoughts and look what happened. :D

hey...i dont mean to be a downer on this thread, but I_Love_Penguins, you wrote that work is more important to you than going to that event for information. i hate to break it to you, but pledging and being an active sister takes up a lot of time. you dont want to be one of those actives that barely goes to anything. sorry for this post, but something about saying that work is more important stood out to me on her post...and it made me think how i barely had time to study and go to all my pledge stuff during pledge semester, let alone have a job. just something to think about! good luck if you do decide to go through rush!

It's not like she choose to work. She was called in and she did the mature thing by going in to work rather than blowing it off to do something fun. She stated earlier that she was already scheduled to work and didn't like to call off because they are short handed. I think that shows integrity and she shouldn't be punished for that. I know lots of girls that worked during pledging and rush. If you have your schedule in advance you can coordinate your work schedule, she just found out about this too late. Let's give her some credit for having responsiblities.

I agree that sorority membership is a time committment, but being a sorority woman also means honoring prior committments and being dependable.

ILP anticipated being called into work, was called into work and she chose to honor that committment. I respect that she didn't blow off something important that could jeopardize her position at work just for an informal meeting that will no doubt be held again this year or next year. She did indicate that she is interested in sorority membership and from her previous posts, I would go out on a limb to say that she "gets" that there are mandatory committments.

As a former student who had to work to put myself through school, I can't say I blame her for sticking to her prior committments and not dropping everything to attend an event she had just heard about.

Original Post: Well unfortunately I just realized I am probably going to be unable to attend tomorrow night's sorority event because I might have to work and it's too late to ask for the night off. Plus work is just more important to me...gotta get that money! But I'm not abandoning my thoughts of re-rushing just cause I can't attend tomorrow night.

I too had to work through school and pledging and being an active in the sorority. I knew that being in a sorority and pledging a sorority was a time commitment but I also had to work so that I could pay for dues, rent, etc. In my chapter, no event was ever manadory without two weeks notice, except of course meetings which are obviously held at the same time and day everyweek.
It can been done very easily by simple time management skills, plus most jobs for college students usually have a set date that students need to ask for time off. Of course people occasionally miss things while in the sorority. I planned my work schedule around my sorority and class schedule. I knew that we usually had socials on thursday nights and we had meetings on Sunday nights, so I planned to not work at those times. There were occasionally times I had to work when I had sorority events, so if I couldn't cover my shift then I had to work.
Its a great why to prepare for the future. when you have kids you have to balance between work and children or a spouse or civil engagements.

I chose the same thing once. I deferred getting involved with our colony until its second semester. I regret that decision. If I had it to do all over again, I'd either have demanded a different work schedule or found a different job.

College jobs are expendable for the most part and one is just as good as another.

Good luck and all, but personally, I'd advise that you ditch a job that's that inflexible. It'll only get worse if you get a bid (you know, when your organization has mandatory events)..

The job doesn't sound inflexible-- it sounds like she had a prior committment and then learned of the recruitment event. I think she managed her time wisely. I wouldn't blow off my day job if it was the means to which I paid my rent and tuition just so I could go off and join a social organization.

Missing one info meeting isn't going to kill anyone.

Hmm. Sounds like I sparked off a debate, much? I figured I should retell my side of the story before things turn kinda nuts.

What happened is that I found out about the sweeten ups on Sunday upon returning back to school from break. Now, I work in a dining facility on campus and the place where I work at was closed on Sunday. I had no way of knowing my schedule at that time. So Monday, I go to check my schedule and did not see myself scheduled for Tuesday. I could've just let it go, but I know that there are times when managers revise the schedule for whatever reason...so therefore I did know there was an outside chance that I would still be working.

Tuesday I went in after my afternoon class to speak to my manager to see why I was not scheduled for Tuesday because they told me I could have that day from now on. It all started a few weeks ago when my one boss mentioned he was short one person for Tuesdays most of the time and I told him I could work because I was available then. So he said he'd put me in on the schedule for Tuesdays. I digress though. As soon as I walked in to check the schedule, the managers that were on duty were standing in the office trying to figure out last night's schedule. Turns out they needed four people for coverage last night and when they saw me, they asked me to come in at 5:00 and stay until close. When I said they would, the one manager said OK now we only need three more people.

I knew then I was really in NO position to say I'm not working tonight. I mean I could have said I was unavailable, but I'm sure that might not have looked so good to them. I don't like to have people upset with me because 1) I'll get upset if people are upset with me and show it and 2) I need whatever hours I can get. No I do not work every night, but if they are in a situation like yesterday when they were scrambling for shift coverage (not the first time this has come up either)...I feel I should help as long as I am available.

Oh and for anyone who is interested. I did go to Greek Life today and the girl told me that this rush period that is taking place is not like what we went through earlier in the semester. She said that some of the sororities will be COBing so keep an eye out around campus and on the Greek Life website for dates. We shall see...

PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!!!!!! As I said before COB can come and go like that - so watch for it!

I'm glad things are looking up.

And you didnt' start a debate don't worry. :)

I joined a very good fraternity on my campus, took 18 hours, worked at a golf course, had a 3.6 gpa....and never missed a meeting, party, etc. during my pledge year. Your post is borderline idiotic.

Sweeten up is like your open house night before you start the rounds of parties. When I went through, they called it sweeten up because there was always sweets to eat. Things have changed A LOT since I was there, because we never had a second round of recruitment this late in the semester...

But enjoy and good luck :)

I wonder if this is sort of a preview for the fall semester? It's a little late in spring semester to be recruiting, especially through panhel, isn't it?

KDDani, that's what I thought too. But I was told today that some of the sororities here will be taking 2nd pledge classes. The pledging period would be 2 and a half weeks instead of 4-6 weeks. I'm not sure why they are doing this now as I don't know if they've done it in the past. Oh well. I am just glad to be getting another chance no matter how I have to do it.

I'm majorly addicted to this thread. It's a rush thread in the middle of March!!!! :p

so why is my post idiotic? thats great that you did all those things, but face it, for most college kids its impossible to manage that much stuff. maybe it was your major? mine was way to hard to do all that.

anyways, she had said that work is just MORE important to her...more being the operative word there. what is she gonna do when one of her sisters needs her? tell them that she might have to work and work is more important to her????

You're not living up to your signature. Everyone disagrees with you. Let it go.

the advantage the sororities would have by holding a 2nd informal recruitment would be to get them at or near total before school is out for the summer.

and the point of this thread? initially, it was to commeserate with the op and as her circumstances changed to give her encouragement and advice. sort of "virtual" hand holding. i remember many of us doing the same thing for many others, including some of the posters to this thread.

Yeah, after reading Heather's posts, she probably sat back and thought, "Eh, those sorority girls are a bunch of vapid airheads" and is thanking her lucky stars that she avoided the experience.