Are single women
 

Made to feel like they have less social validity or something without a man in their life?

And does that pressure increase more as they get older?

Why?

ETA: I kind of mean this question as a contrast to men. I don't think we get as much social pressure to be in a relationship. I am not talking about parental pressure as much because I am sure the GraNDCHILd influence is strong for both genders.

There is definitely social pressure for women to be in a relationship. We get it from an early age and as we get older get it from parents and other people close to you that feel that you are not a complete person if you dont have a man by your side. Some cultures stress it more than others but I think its pretty prevalent. It seems that some see your life as a check list...once you are done with your degree(s) the next thing on the list is marriage and kids so you hear it from people a lot more once you finish school.

It gets worse as you get older because for women the window to have kids is a lot smaller than guys. You start having friends and family your age starting families and that may increase the social pressure a bit.

I don't see this at all among my friends and people I know. It's pretty much the complete opposite.

It's cause you're always drunk at the bar with annoying drunk Red Sox fans.

Obviously its limited perspective, people can only talk about their experiences I'm talking about general social pressures in the media etc.

Women absolutely do feel more social pressure to get married and have children. Until as recently as my parents' generation, the only socially acceptable option available to women was to get married, have children, and give up any hope of a career in order to stay home with said children.

My mother-in-law was told flat out by her parents, "The only reason we are sending you to college is to meet and marry a future doctor." :rolleyes:

I never faced the pressure myself. As it happened, I met my husband at college, and we were engaged before I graduated. In fact, my father was opposed to my engagement. :rolleyes: But I've seen the pressure put to many of my female friends, "When are you going to get maaaaaaaarrrrrrrried?? When are you going to settle down and have a baaaaabyyyyy??" People don't ask that of my male friends.

I actually had a friend who was unmarried at 27 - beautiful woman, willowy blonde, bubbly personality, intelligent - and a guy asked her if she was married. She said no, and he asked if she was divorced (I forget how he knew her age). When she said no, he said, "Oh, no one's perfect enough for you, huh?"

She was crushed. At the time, she had just come off of a stint of working at the White House (that's how I met her), had been Homecoming Queen (she was DZ, fwiw), and had been asked to model. Her father's last words to her were, "I'm sure you'll get married sometime, Sweetie."


So, yeah, there's pressure on a lot of women. Maybe some escape it, but I'll bet the divorce rate wouldn't be quite so high if there was no societal pressure.

James,

Have you ever even touched a woman?

-Rudey
--With all my love.

Only for money. It keeps the relationship more honest. Oh, and they go home when you pay them. :p

I think there's a lot more pressure on girls than guys. I mean in my family I am asked everytime I come home "so you have a boyfriend?" "when are you gonna settle down?" "isn't it time for a baby?". While my two guy cousins are never asked that question - AT ALL! In fact my grandfather encourages them to stay in school before settling down. The advice he gave me - "real one in while you still look half way decent, and make sure he has money":(

Oh GLawd,

If I had a dime for everytime I was asked was I married before I married, I'd be a uber wealthy woman skiing in the Alps...

Now that I am married, folks are wondering when the baby's due... And it doesn't help that I am in my late 30's and I don't have the nice 28 year old figure--meaning I have female issues that cause me to bloat--and dammit it is a TMI, but I don't care, metabolism changes in women in their 30's...

Anyhow, my husband doesn't want children. And I'm nearing 40 and I don't think I can handle them at 40 or later myself... So what if I don't ever have kiddies?

But, I'm a luser if I neglect my biological duties, yada, yada, yada...

And my folks say they are NOT pressuring me... Yeah, right...

And my younger brother, who does have a son, my mom's first grandchild, is now working on getting divorce from his son's mother... You'd think they'd be happy not to have drama with grandkids acting like maniacs... But they want more??? :confused:

Whatever...

Isn't it your duty to your mother and mother-in-law to produce some grandkids for them? I mean think about how they have suffered for you. And you know how kids can be the joy of their twilight years.

Don't be selfish . . :p

One of my friends drives me absolutly nuts sometimes when she goes on her quest to end all singledom. She got married when she was 21 and believes everyone remotely close to her age should be also.

Out of our "group" she and her husband are the only married ones. And she will go ON AND ON about "when you're married, texas*princess, you can't forget to play such-and-such song at your dance/reception b/c that's our girl song!" and "when you get married, texas*princess, we can do such-and-such for your bachelorette partY!!! Oh it's going to be so much fun!!!"

Now she does this with ALL of the girls and I think it drives us equally nuts.

The funny thing about that is that NONE OF US ARE EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO GETTING MARRIED.

Hell, most of us are completely SINGLE.

I've always wondered why she is that way. Maybe it's because she sees us going out and having our fun when we want, with who we want and wants us all to be shackled down with a ball and chain like her. Who knows.

I've never been made to feel I have "less social validity" when not in a relationship, nor have I ever felt pressured to be in a relationship or have kids. That said, I've spent no significant time without being in a relationship since I was maybe 25 or so, if that makes a difference. Still, I don't think anybody treats me differently based on whether I'm in a relationship or not -- and I've never been asked when I'm getting married or having kids. I'd have no patience with people asking me questions that are none of their damn business.

That kind of thing is stupid anyway and why in the hell would I care if people or society thought less of me or treated me a certain way because I wasn't in a relationship? Women shouldn't give a shit about stuff like that -- do what you want and what makes you happy, and the hell with what anybody else thinks, expects, or wants.

And James, I'm sure you're kidding about the grandkids thing, but ew. If my parents want joy in their twilight years, they can move to the mountains and hang out with their grandpuppy. ;)

God yes.

I however have learned to either 1) avoid people with that small minded type of view or 2) if I can't avoid them, make them feel really stupid or really bad for asking. I would say that people in my hometown probably would all think I'm a lesbian if some of them didn't have evidence to the contrary. ;)

This doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be in a relationship again or that I don't get lonely sometimes...of course I do. But I learned that feeling lonely when you're with someone else is about 80 bilion times worse than feeling lonely when you're alone. I think there are people out there who don't realize that and think that's the way marriage/relationships are supposed to be....everyone has rough patches....but if you're so afraid to be alone and so afraid what people will think that you stay in a situation that has become a continual load of crap, you're hurting yourself more than you can imagine.

If I have kids, I do, if I don't, I wasn't meant to. That's the way I look at it. I can't take the pain of getting my ears pierced, I'm not sure what I would do with childbirth.

Re: Are single women
 

Yes.

Because women are conditioned subtly by society and relatives that their place is in the home, serving their husband and children, and sacrificing their wants and needs so their kids have the best of everything and their husbands get ahead at work and drive the newer car.

I think it is ridiculous, and I hate when I have friends crying that they're past their prime by age 19 or that they're 27 and an old maid, etc etc., because their families and communities have conditioned them to be moms and wives above people with brains and goals and dreams.

I hate it, but even I feel that pressure sometimes. It's maddening.

This isn't to say someone can't feel fulfilled and happy being a wife or mother, but it's imposed upon women and girls from cradle to grave... so it's a bit much.

Take one poster-- her husband was transferred to a new city and everyone in her family was shocked that she still planned to pursue graduate school instead of supporting her husband.

I have not been pressured (that much).

Find new people to hang around. I can't stand being around people with that mentality.

But Dionysus, what if it's your family? You can't get away from them!

One thing I've taken to is just not talking about relationships with my family members, even if the relationship goes longer than a year. If I can't see a future with someone, I don't need my family to start fantasizing it for me....

Oh and moving 1000 miles from them helps, too.

Yeah, that would make things harder. Fortunately, my immediate family doesn't give a damn. Now, some of my extended family do get nosy, but I try to avoid them as much as possible...and not just for that reason.

When your family ISN'T asking you, you wonder why...

A (female) cousin who is 20 months older than me got married over the US Thanksgiving weekend. I'm the second oldest and NO ONE has asked me when my turn is...I'm beginning to wonder if they think I'm going to be a single girl until my 30s. Why am I not getting any pressure?

Are you complaining that your family isn't pressuring you?

Yes.

Just out of curiousity, why?

I'm just wondering if my family thinks there's something wrong with me. They ask my other cousins (including those who're still in school and probably won't be marrying any time soon) if they have boyfriends/girlfriends and/or when they're getting married, but not me.

this is called DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH.

If you are really concerned, ask them. There is nothing wrong with being single in my opinion.

Not everyone follows the same time line. Some people get married right after high school or college. Some people focus on their careers. It's a personal choice or based on circumstances.

If you are happy and comfortable with yourself, don't let anyone else's opinion of you change that. If you are not happy, either work on changing the things that make you unhappy or accept the things that you can't change. I don't mean to sound like the Serenity Prayer, but sometimes everyone could use some peace of mind.

Ditto 33girl.

They're bound to say something along the lines of "we think you're really immature, Taualumna. The best time for you to marry is probably when you're 30-35."

Perhaps they know that you are capable of other things but that the other girls in your family are not. Perhaps they recognize that you can take care of yourself but the others can't.

1. There's nothing wrong with waiting to get married until your 30s.

2. Don't worry about other people's opinions of you if you are happy and satisfied with yourself.

3. If you aren't happy, make some changes.

4. See AGDee's post.

5. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Re: Re: Are single women
 

Wow, where? Maybe in the south or where people are quite traditional, but I've never experienced that sort of conditioning.

My big, fat honkin obnoxious New York/Philly/NJ Jewish family that have redistributed themselves throughout the South, that's where! It's ridiculous!

This is not the 1950s. If the standards were still there today from the 1950s, then many women would be trouble. In the 1950s, not marrying by age 28 would consider the woman to be old. Today, there is no timetale to get married by a certain age.

Yes, women get pressured by society to get married. If they are married because all of their friends have gotten married, guess who will be signing the divorce papers.

Also, on a side note, I believe that the right age to get married is 21 to 22. Of course you can wait longer. There are celebrities who get married at 19 or 20 years old. Look at Jodie Sweetin, she got married at age 20. That's too young.

Definitely not the right age to get married... not for ME at least. I was in a serious and loving relationship at that age, and thinking very seriously about marriage. I sincerely believe now that if I had gotten married then, I would be divorced already.

I PERSONALLY think that 21 is a ridiculously young age to get married.

ETA: Do you have that opinion because you were married at that age?

Because everyone knows that there is a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge world of difference between 20 and 21!! That must be why Jodie ended up on TEH METH. If she would have waited until she was 21 she'd be fine.

Wait, is a 21-22 year old seriously that much more mature than a 20 year old? What does 1 more year have to do with anything?

And also, I think any deterioration of Jodie Sweetin's marriage was due to her um, METH ADDICTION, and not the fact that she married young.

Come on.

Damn you beat me.

I think it depends on the person. Some people may be mature enough to be married at 20, but I wouldn't have been. I'm engaged now, with a baby, at 23. I feel like I'm ready to be married now, but I don't feel pressured about it.

But isn't this statement contradictory? Many women of the 1950's era married either just after high school or while in college, placing them in the aforementioned age bracket.

In 2006, I have met some 20 year olds with their heads on straighter than other men or women twice that age. And conversely, I know men and women who were ready for marriage at age 25, and other 25 year olds who were worlds away from that kind of decision.

I don't think it is up to any one to judge the right age to be married. I remember reading some statistic that women marry (on average) at around 27, and men (on average) at around age 32. There are highs and lows to those age groups. This doesn't mean a single 28 year old should feel she has not accomplished something, or that a married 23 should feel "ahead of the curve." Marriage should be a personal choice and a binding decision made between two consenting adults. Age shouldn't be a factor, and marriage shouldn't be something you "have" to do or be required to do.

Bottomline, you should marry when you and your partner feel it is the right decision. Still, society does place more pressure on single women to marry than it does on single men.

ETA: I know people mean well when they ask if you are dating someone or they just think that what made them happy (being married, being parents...) is the end-all of happiness and wish you the same.... but it is obnoxious. I know they are well-intentioned, so it is hard to be rude to them... but it is annoying!

My extended family would always ask when I was getting married or if I had someone serious. It was so annoying. My parents never did that thank god. Although they weren't entirely thrilled when I got pregnant before the wedding, but they've accepted it now, good thing since the baby is here.

Taualumna, does your extended family know about Mr. Taualumna? If they do, or your parents may have mentioned to them, there's no need to ask because it's obvious you're dating.