I can't condone what you are doing....
 

Okay,
So I have a friend that is sleeping with a guy from her work. He just HAPPENS to be married. Now she makes the typical comments "I got me some last night, blah blah blah" but honestly I want to smack her. HE IS MARRIED! She says he tells her how they are only together for the kids, they don't like each other and they haven't had sex in forever (even though they have three kids together). And apparently he's had tons of affairs before. THat doesn't make it okay, I am sorry. So in the end I don't know how to handle it because I want to tell her what a skanky bitch she is for doing this- she only knows HIS side- she has no clue what the truth is and let's face it he is going to tell her whatever to get sex from her.
How does one handle this situation?
Also, she always talks about sexy he is- uhm, no dear he is fugly.

I honestly would keep your own personal opinions and values to yourself and keep it her problem. Don't make it yours too.

You can call her all the names in the book, but there's no point because there's no guarantee she'll start believing the same things you do. Leave her be, because calling her out on it won't make her remorseful.

I'd get worried if she somehow develops some sort of emotional attachment to him and starts thinking, "OMG I HOPE HE LEAVES HIS WIFE FOR ME!!!" But from what I've read so far he seems like he's just a piece of ass to her.

Let her get hers and hopefully a better looking, AVAILABLE man comes around eventually.

Just stay out of it.

Re: I can't condone what you are doing....
 

She already created a channel for communication with you.

If you were screwing up wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

So tell her but don't push it. Just tell her. If she doesn't listen tell her you don't want to hear it anymore.

We grow and become better through things like that. Otherwise without our friends and family offering help and advice, we might end up losers, alcoholics, and be on meds forever.

Good luck.

-Rudey

If she asks for your advice on the situation, I think you should just tell her politely that you think she's making a mistake and that you cannot condone her decision to continue what she's doing. Otherwise, whenever she brings it up, I'd just say something like, "It makes me uncomfortable when you discuss your personal life at work. I'd appreciate it if we didn't talk about it." She'll get the message.

Re: Re: I can't condone what you are doing....
 

So I guess it's cool to discriminate against those who are losers, alcoholics and on medication now, isn't it???

Re: Re: I can't condone what you are doing....
 

Wow Rudey, I've never seen you so level headed with advice like this before. I'm impressed!!!


At any rate, ilovemyglo, why do you care if this friend of yours wants to get busy with a married man? It's her life... If you don't like hearing about the gorry [sp?] details about her sex life, then you need to tell her to stop telling you even though she may dislike you for some time and won't share much with you afterward.

Your the one who said she was the "skank" and you have made your judgement on the situation. Even if you are correct and what dude is doing is exactly true, you are not the one who is involved with that situation and why should you say anything about it to interfere with your friend's misconception of what she is calling her happiness, right now?

If you are worried about the mental health and safety of your friend, you also need to remember than you all are adults and this "child" has decided to enter a full on adult relationship. If she wants that responsibility, then hey, she needs to go for it and there is nothing you can do about it. Telling her won't make her stop.

But you can say that you do not like the whole concept and do not want to have any parts of it. However, once you put it out there, you are gonna have to take the brunt of anger... And if that's fine with you, then move on. Otherwise, let it go. You cannot live vicariously through a soap opera novella of others... Why? Life's too short...

Yoo're right. Your friend is immoral and so is the guy. The ones who get hurt in this situation are the wife and kids.

You should distance yourself from this woman. If she does it once, she'll do it again as will the guy.

I agree with Monet. Why do you feel the need to get all mired up in grown folks' business?

Calling her a skank is a little extreme and judgemental. Unless you're intending to save yourself until marriage, you're probably no better than she is.

That's debatable. The OP never said anything about saving herself until marriage, just that she thought it was skanky to sleep with a married man. Most everyone knows that sleeping with married people is pretty darn morally reprehensible. (I said most because dealing with absolutes tends to lead to trouble.)

Maybe tell your "friend", because let's face it if she was sleeping with your bio/sorority sister's husband she'd stop being your friend, that you don't want to hear about her escapades with this new guy because you find what she is doing immoral. She's the one who blabbed to you about it anyhow.

And let's face reality people, there is really only one person most of us know of that wasn't judging people. Judging people for their actions happens every day in all walks of life. It's hard to take the moral high ground on someone when we've all been judgemental in one form or another. While it was said "Judge not lest ye be judged" how many actually follow this truthfully?

I don't find it immoral for the girl. Its immoral for the boy because he made a promise.

OR maybe unethical would be a better word.

Would anyone agree? Technically she isn't doing anything wrong really.

I think that it's unethical on both sides because I believe in treating someone how you'd like to be treated. I wouldn't want some other girl up in my husband's stuff so why would I do that to someone else?

That said, I think his behavior is far more unethical than hers.

But the ethics of this situation are obviously debatable, soo . . .



I wasn't going to get into this discussion earlier, but since I have, I might as well go all out.

"Skanky" is not synonymous with "morally reprehensible." One can be a dirty ho and still be a good person. Or you can be a virgin and still be, uhh, morally reprehensible. Whatever that's supposed to mean.

I didn't say that skanky was the same thing as morally reprehensible, but what OP's friend is doing is, but in the grand scheme of things sleeping with someone else's husband or wife is wrong.
Now as to who is more wrong in the situation, they can share the blame as far as I am concerned. She knew he was married and did it anyway. He made a promise to be faithful and broke it...according to what he says, many times. They are both skanky.

the guy is taken but still shakin.' not cool.

there was a girl on gc that slept with a married man. i forgot what her screen name was. but, she couldnt spell and also couldnt keep her story straight. it was pretty funny.

This thread makes me laugh but seriously, bottom line, you have to decide if you want to remain friends with this person or not. If what she's doing really bothers you, maybe it's time to end the friendship. If your desire to remain friends outweighs how bothered you are, it's best to put your judgments aside and be her friend as best you can.

As a side note, your friend is being played big time. Any guy who says he's only staying with his wife for whatever reason (the kids, money, whatever) is lying. If he wanted to leave his wife, he would, period. The fact is, he doesn't, and she's either stupid enough to fall for it or for whatever reason doesn't mind.

Stay out of it. It's none of your business what she does.

I went through something similiar with a friend of mine who dated her married w/children college professor. It bothered me a lot because of a family situation of my own when I was a kid. That didn't stop her from continuing to see him.

Bottom line: doesn't really matter what either of us think of our homewrecking friends.

It's suitable to tell her you disapprove and you don't want to hear about the lurid details of her love life. Then leave it alone. If she talks about the affair 24/7, I'd ease away for awhile until she comes to her senses or comes crawling to you with a broken heart. Let's face it, married boyfriend or not, no one needs to hear a friend gush endlessly about the hot and steamy love sessions she's having. That's just downright annoying.

I appreciate the responses. Yes I was being judgemental, because sleeping with a married man to me is one of the most horrid things you can do- to sleep in another's marital bed is absolutely the most disrespectful you can be of another's relationship. It would be one thing if he had a girlfriend, but he has a wife and three children, and she laughs about that too-
"Oh <Guy's name> wife came in today to work and I had to laugh, what an idiot. She started talking to me about <Guy>L and I was thinking , yeah I just finished sucking his dick an hour ago".
Yeah, now that is nasty. I told her, you know, I really am not cool with that situation so do me a favor and don't share with me. But she DOES have an emotional attachment. She quit working there two months ago but went back because he called saying "he needed her" only then did she admit she quit because he said he couldn't do taht to his wife anymore.

I don't consider women that have sex with men skanky, but disrespecting a marriage bed, that to me makes her as guilty as he is.... if she didn't know or if he lied about it I think that would be one thing, but she knows he is married.

I didn't say I was trying to get in the middle of it- she just keeps coming to me to talk about him and how much fun she is having. I asked to think about how she would feel if that had been her father and that had happened to her mother but she said "it's different!" and my reply was "not to his kids".

But thanks for the input.

From now on, just respond to every mention of this situation with, "I don't really want to discuss this with you" and eventually she'll get the hint. I think that the real problem here isn't what your friend is or is not doing, it's the fact that you've expressed that the situation makes you uncomfortable and she isn't respecting the boundaries and shutting up. If I knew one of my friends had a moral problem with one of my behaviors, I'd at least respect her enough to not discuss the issue in front of her any more than I possibly had to.

If you see your friend wasting his life away and being a drug addict, don't judge. Who are you to judge? Don't offer advice.

-Rudey

That was sort of my thinking but apparently watching your friends make decisions that are dangerous to their health and well being is the thing to do instead of helping them......because you should just mind your own business.

I hardly think sleeping with a married man is on par with drug addiction, but okay. The problem with that line of thought is that she isn't going to change her behavior if she doesn't think he's wrong or until it's hurting her more than she's benefitting (just like drug addicts generally don't change their behavior until they hit a really, really low point). You can argue and argue all you want, but people don't change unless THEY want to change. Any extended attempts to try and change her will generally just lead to an end of the friendship instead.

sugar and spice is exactly right. And also, you may have much stronger moral feelings towards the act of sleeping with a married man than your friend does. And imposing your morals on someone else, well...ultimately it is HER choice and her morals in play here.

She opened up the communication. Are you a brick wall? Of course not. So you can talk with her.

You should do what you think is right. If I thought my friend was making a mistake with his job, some slut of a girl, or his lifestyle I would let him know what I thought.

Nobody is saying to force your friend to do otherwise. A gentle reminder/nudge/piece of advice may even be appreciated. Heck she may even be upset that you never said anything later on.

And Pika2001: Yes I tend to not wish my friends to become alcoholics, losers, dropouts, impregnators, and mental degenerates.

-Rudey

And this my friends is why Rudey and I are great friends.

-Bobby

--he wouldn't let me go home with the large girl. no matter how drunk I was

ilovemyglo perhaps you need to take a break from this friendship.

I had a friend like yours. I knew from her pattern of relationships where it was leading. After several years, I had had enough of being there to pick up the pieces and offering advice that was never used. With the last one, she kept getting mad at me when she'd ask for my advice and it was always the same. To stop dating a loser and have some respect for yourself. She accused me of being jealous of what they had. I told her for the sake of our friendship I'm walking away and did.

Fast forward to three years later, I get an email from her with a apology. Eight months ago he dropped her after abusing her verbally, emotionally, and financially. He's moved on to another girl and she's in therapy.

Over time this friend of yours will become emotionally draining to you as long as she's involved with him and cannot shut up about it when she talks to you. No you can't change her but speak your peace. It's time for you to do what's best for you. She's already made peace with her decision.