Advice on getting some stuff back...please!
 

A little over a year ago, I let one of my friends borrow several of my formal dresses because she was going to a fraternity dance. Normally I don't loan things like that out to anyone, but she was nice enough to let me stay with her for a few weeks while I was between apartments so I figured I'd make an exception. Big mistake! Several months after that we sort of fell out of touch for reasons I won't go into, and she would seldom answer her phone when I called. Over the summer I realized that I really needed to get my dresses, plus some other stuff of mine that she had, back from her so I tried calling again several times. Nothing.

Well, this has been going on long enough anyway, but I just found out that I might be attending an event which will require a formal dress so I need to get them back! Trouble is, I found out through the grapevine that she moved back to her parents' house (about 2 hours away), so I can't just go knocking on her door. I called her again today and left her a message telling her that I want my things and that she needs to call me, but what do I do if she won't? I can't let her keep over $800 worth of dresses that my sister and I will probably have use for, plus it's really ticking me off. I'm getting to the point where I'm almost ready to start calling her and bugging the crap out of her every single day until she responds. :p

Look up her parents' phone number and let them know that if your belongings aren't expressed mailed to you, a lawyer will be brought into the picture.

That's what I would do. Call her parents and ask to speak to one of them and make sure that they give the message to her. Usually people are much quicker to do things if parents are involved. She may be avoiding your calls because something may have happened to the dresses like she ruined them, lost them, etc. If that's the case, make sure her parents know how much they cost and that you're expecting to be compensated for them.

That's a good idea. Tracking down her parents' number may be a bit of a problem, though, because I've tried to look them up on Anywho using their last name ('cause I can't remember their first names) and nothing came up. I'm not exactly sure of the actual town they live in...I know what area it is because it's near a larger city, but there's a million little towns very close by and I don't know which one it is!

Do you two have any mutual friends? If so, maybe that person might know the parents' number or at least the hometown. And since she's not answering your calls, maybe she might answer if it was the mutual friend calling.

All I can is try looking at other search engines and white pages or do as SOPI_Jawbreaker said and see if anyone else knows their number. If you can at least find their address, send a certified letter with a return receipt to their house. This way, if they never respond, you have the receipt as proof that they got it, and if you want to take her to small claims court, you can, and use the receipt as evidence.

If she is an adult don't bring her parents into it. This is between the two of you, and it may actually make things worse. You've made a few phonecalls, and she hasn't responded, but don't harass her. I assume it is a cellphone number, so at least you have that to track her down with. Send her a certified letter asking for the items to be returned. Depending on when she moved you may be able to have the letter forwarded if she filled out mail forwarding through the post office. That usually is guaranteed for up to six months after moving. If you get return receipt you have proof that it was received, and you may even be able to find out her current address. Make sure you list the items in detail, and give her a date to return the items, or to make arrangements to return them. If she doesn't take any action, check your local laws (usually the county where it happened), and file small claims against her. Hopefully you have receipts and/or pictures of you with the items, as you can use that as evidence.

I just filed in small claims yesterday against my former roommate, so I have personal experience in this area (plus my job is in a law library so I help people research this often). We sent a certified letter and did make attempts to get our items back and receive payments for past due bills before we filed. A paper trail is your friend. However be prepared to not see your things again, and that for the amount of $800 you are likely headed to small claims, and lawyers aren't allowed there . It'd probably cost more for a lawyer than for your things.

PM with some details if you want me to do research for your area and point you to some resources.

Thanks to all who have responded...you have some good suggestions. If I could just get an address, I wouldn't mind driving the couple of hours to go in person and ask for my things back, so I think I will try calling a couple of mutual friends to see if they can give me any information. I just really, really want my stuff...I don't want monetary compensation, because I have an immediate need for those dresses and a couple of them actually came from consignment shops so they're vintage and irreplaceable. I can't believe she didn't even try to contact me before she moved to return them--she had my phone number, because I ran into her at a pub sometime in the summer and I gave it to her because she said she lost her old phone so she didn't have my number anymore. *sigh* :(

Hon, I have one word for you.

Jujitsu.

Set her up with an elbow to the nose and/or a nice stomping kick to the inside of the knee and then throw her with seoi nage or o soto gari. Trust me, when you drive her into the ground head first, she'll think twice about keeping your stuff.

What's something she really, really likes? A date with some hot guy? Tickets to a concert or sporting event? Call her up or have someone else call her and say YO DUDE, we got some [thing she really likes] for you, FREE. Meet us at the bike racks at 3:00 and you can have them!

They do this all the time in New York to scofflaws with promises of Yankees or Knicks tickets. It's amazing how many people fall for it.


AchtungBaby80, I hope that you are able to retrieve your gowns. I would try to contact her and her parents through mutual friends as well as through certified mail. I'm afraid that something might have happened to your dresses which could explain why she has not returned your phone calls. You might wind up in small claims court or on Judge Judy. I hope I'm wrong.

OK, guys, here's what I've decided to do. I know a guy who may be able to tell me where her parents live, or if he doesn't know, he can find out because he's friends with her ex-boyfriend. I'm going to call him today and see what he says. Then, I'm going to try phoning her one more time, and then (since I'm sure she won't answer) follow up with a letter sent certified mail asking for my dresses back plus some other stuff of mine like books, pictures, etc. that she has that she never returned. As I said earlier, I really would prefer not to take her to court or anything--I just want my dresses, dammit. But don't think I wouldn't consider it if she keeps on trying to avoid me, especially if something did happen to the dresses. If that's the case, and it has crossed my mind, I would've been a lot more likely to forgive if she had just called me up and said, "You know, I'm really sorry about this, but..." and explained what happened. But she didn't, so...there you go.

Anyway, what exactly should I put in this letter? I'll let you know what happens.

If you can't get the phone number from the guy, then try the phone company's website... sometimes they have information that Anywho doesn't.

Sometimes you have to chalk things up to a loss. Losing that stuff is the cost of getting this chick out of your life. figure our how many more hours you want to spend on this. Then, move on. Get a new dress.

Hate to say it, but you might not be able to get your things back. I accidentally left my favorite sweater at a friend's house a few years ago and contacted her several times about getting it back. I even sent her a check for the cost of shipping it to me (she lived 3 hours away). Never got the sweater. Never heard from her again. I guess she liked my sweater more than my friendship.

Good luck! I hope your story has a happier ending than mine. :)

I doubt any of you all are very concerned about this :p, but I have an update. I'm making headway, folks! After trying unsuccessfully to reach my ex-friend by cell phone, I called one of our mutual friends. He finally got back to me and said that he didn't know her parents' address or phone number, but that he wouldn't mind to call her ex-boyfriend for me because he just went up to visit her not long ago so he would know. So...I'll let you know what happens.

Am I the only one who thinks this is ridiculous?

She's had the stuff for OVER A YEAR. The time to get your stuff back was a year ago.

Now you're going nuts calling her friends, boyfriends, thinking about calling her parents?

I gotta say - you look like the psycho at this point, not her. And your mutual friends probably agree with me on this.

It sucks that she's got your stuff, but really, the time to handle this was a year ago. Grow up, get over it, start saving for a new dress. And chalk this up for experience.

I was wondering why AchtungBaby didn't get her stuff back months ago, too, but $800 worth of dresses is a lot to just chalk up to a loan-mistake. Time to take this chick to Judge Judy! :p

Yes, it is. But they're also:

(a) Not work $800 anymore, as they've been worn at least twice by two differen girls,
(b) At least a year old, and
(c) Making her look psycho to her friends, and possibly setting her up for additional legal problems in the future.

If you ask me, these dresses aren't worth it anymore.

She had the chance to get her stuff back a year ago; she passed on it. At this point it isn't about the dresses anymore. She needs to let it go because it's going to end up costing her more than she's probably willing to sacrifice.

I've been trying for months, as I said earlier. I suppose I should have called her several times a week in the beginning instead of once every couple of weeks, but that was my mistake. I didn't even know that she had moved back with her parents until I heard it through the grapevine, because we don't talk anymore.

I don't give a damn about the money. I do care about the dresses, though, because a couple of them were vintage and one was a bridesmaid dress. It's more the sentimental value. I won't take her to court or anything because at this point I just have too many other things going on to worry about it, but at the very least I do want her to know that I'm upset with what she did.

Thanks for sharing your opinion, though.

No, you should've gotten them back within a month of lending her. Waiting until almost a year had gone by, then trying to get them back was a mistake.


I don't buy this. If you were that concerned about the dresses you would've been contacting her a week after whatever event she borrowed them for.

She knows, because you've been going psycho calling her exboyfriends, mutual friends, and threatening to call her parents.

Get OVER it.

Whoa, Nelly! This situation has really touched a nerve with you. Are you a serial dress stealer or something??

The dresses belong to AchtungBaby and if she wants them back, she's well within her rights.

Period. End of story. Step away, nothing to see here.

Sure, she has the right to them - but they're going to cost her.

In this case, they've already cost her a couple hours of her time, some phone calls, and who knows what else. Continuing this bizarre obsession (can I reemphasize over a year ago, she lent these dresses out, and is just now starting to get serious about getting them back) with some dresses she lent an ex-friend is going to begin to cost her friends & her reputation.


And my bet? My bet is the dresses were given away when these girls had the falling out a year ago.

Slight hijack...

Lawyers aren't allowed in small claims court? I find that really odd. I agree that hiring a lawyer will probably cost you more than you are suing for. But I don't see why a lawyer would not be allowed in small claims court?


/hijack

I don't think there is a statue of limitations on asking for the return of item that was intended to be borrowed only.

Vintage dresses increase in value instead of deappreciating.
Ever watch The Antiques Roadshow?

"Vintage" can also mean "3 months old". Seen the snafu from a month or two ago with one starlet who wore a "vintage" Chanel dress that'd been worn less than a year earlier by another starlet?

I agree the word vintage can be used in improperly. However I can only go by what AchtungBaby80 chooses to post about her dilemma.

You're referring to the black and white Chanel dress worn recently by Reese Witherspoon at the Golden Globe Awards which was originally worn by Kirsten Dunst in 2003. Yes the faux pas made by House of Chanel makes them look ignorant.

I don't think it matters.....if she wants the dresses back and wants to put the energy into getitng them back then it's not hurting me. Good luck getting them!

(Also, sometimes it's jsut the principle of something.)

Nicely DONE.

oh well- that dress was MUCH cuter on Reese anyways!

*crossing fingers you'll get your dresses back!*

I'm not sure exactly why they aren't allowed in small claims, but I'll try and find out for you. I think that it has to do with it being for lesser monetary amounts, and a way for people to settle disputes on their own in a more informal setting. There aren't objections, briefs written, cross examinations, or anything of the like. The cost of the lawyer usually is more than it is worth for going to court, and a lot of lawyers wouldn't even waste their time on it.

Where I live you don't even go to court right away, there is mandatory mediation, and allegedly 75% of cases end there. If you're in mediation, and no agreement can be reached, then you go to court the same day. I know if it isn't resolved to our satisfaction if it goes to court, we can appeal the decision to district court. Lawyers are allowed in district court, but not law students with a limited practice license (so no hiring a 3L with a retainer of a bottle of scotch and a pizza).

Actually I kind of agree w/ PM. Yea they technically are her dresses, but the right time to get her stuff back is not a year later when she suddenly realized she might need them again soon. It was about a year ago when she still had the girl's phone number, knew where she lived, etc.

If it were me, I wouldn't wait that long... if I was having some kind of fall out with someone, I would get my things then and THERE. It's a little hard to go back a year later and be psycho calling everyone to get something back that she could have gotten a long time ago.

I also think that it is costing her a lot to get these back NOW. If she had done it back when they were fighting, she could have spoken to her mutual friends & said, 'hey we've been fighting, do you think you can help me get my things back?' instead of a year later calling the ex-boyfriend's friend's postman's daughter's cousin about speaking to the ex-friend to get her things back a year later...

... but that's just my opinion.. .and no, I'm not a serial dress stealer :p

I just think it's a really immature way to go at this problem.

And honestly, right or wrong, if you leave your stuff with me for a year and I never hear from you about it? It's going in the trash. By that point I've probably forgotten it's even yours. And if I haven't, I'm assuming you're not coming back for it. My apartment is not a storage shed.

But then, when I loan out things that are important to me, I ask for them back. And I don't wait a year to do it.

It wasn't as if AchtungBaby asked the girl to store them for her, though -- the girl borrowed them and didn't give them back. AchtungBaby isn't doing anything inappropriate by trying to get her property back. The person in the wrong is the borrower who failed to return them in the first place.

She's not doing anything wrong.

However, I would disagree with you - she IS being inappropriate. Please reference the part where she's contacting mutual friends, trying to find the girl's parents, exboyfriends, etc.

Nevermind. It looked like you were arguing with your own post.

You say tomato, I say tomahto. ;) What you view as inappropriate, I would describe as exhausting all available avenues. I agree that it would be better to contact the girl directly so as not to bring other folks into the mix, but from her posts it doesn't look like she's been able to reach the girl personally, hence the need for go-betweens. None of this would be necessary if the girl had just returned the dresses the first time that she was asked to do so. IMO the blame lies solely with the borrower.

Nope.

I'm saying, yes, it's her stuff, so technically she's not wrong to want it back.

But it's a little bizarre and inappropriate to go about getting it back the way she's decided to. A year later.

In my opinion, if these dresses were so important, the responsible thing to do would to be ASK FOR THEM BACK LAST YEAR.

Now she's turned into a psycho about the whole thing. Imagine this from the borrower's point of view: someone loaned you something OVER A YEAR AGO, never asked for it back, picked a fight with you over something, and now a year later she's trying to contact you, your boyfriend, your friends, and your parents?

I'd be getting a restraining order.

And I'd also have given the dresses away 6 months ago.

AchtungBaby would have to clarify this one for me, but I'm pretty sure, based on her previous posts, that she DID ask for them back last year.

It's hard for me to look at it from the borrower's perspective because, to me, she's the root of the problem. AchtungBaby wouldn't have to seek her out if she'd been responsible enough to return the dresses in a timely manner.

When I borrow something, I don't wait for the owner to ask me for the item back. I view it as my responsibility to return the item promptly. (And, in the cases of clothing, I would make sure that they were cleaned before their return.) Quite honestly, if someone had to ask for something back from me, I would be embarrassed.