Another Wedding Etiquette Question
 

One of my friends from my youth group is getting married in two months. She's Orthodox Jewish and is a senior in college. (Buttonz, I think you probably know who I'm talking about.) I'm looking at her registry now, and my question is, how much are you supposed to spend on a wedding gift? I've known this girl for about 4 years, but we're not extremely close. Also, I'm still in college, as are most of the guests at her wedding probably, so I don't have a lot of money to spend on wedding gifts.

Re: Another Wedding Etiquette Question
 

Personal opinion..... Don't spend any more than you can afford. If you can only spend $20 on their gift, then that is all you should do. She knows you are still in college, I am SURE they will understand. :) Surely they will care much more about you being there for their wedding than how much money you spend. :)

Also, a suggestion if they don't have registry items in your price range.... If you know other people who are going, you can get together and get them something nicer than you might be able to do on your own.

Does anyone think I am way off base here? :p

Spend what you're comfortable spending.

Seriously, what people spend on gifts varies wildly depending on income, relationship to the people getting married, location, and any number of other factors.

Re: Re: Another Wedding Etiquette Question
 

LOL, now that I've checked the OP's location -- I suspect that a $20 wedding gift in the NYC area would probably be frowned upon, but I'm not from there so I can't be sure. In Chicago, it would be (or I'm from a snotty family).

Spend no more than $50. If you have a group of friends go in together, spend between $75 and $100.

I'd recommend if you go it alone, get a gift card for an odd amount between $25 and $50-- maybe $35. Package it with a nice card and mail it to her ahead of the wedding. Then you're all done and don't have to feel the burden of bringing a gift to the wedding. If you get roped into attending a shower, you can weasel your way out of an expsensive gift by presenting the bride with a gaggle of inexpensive general kitchen utensils (corn-cob holders, wine charms, etc.) or you can make a "Newlywed's Night In" basket inexpensively with a Blockbuster gift card and some (kosher) munchies. Or give a giftcard in a smaller denomination (like $25) and a bouquet of flowers.

We women really get burned with gift giving for these weddings.... How many gifts do I have to give for every engagement party, shower, group shower, brunch, luncheon and wedding? It's crazy!

If I ever marry, I plan to elope.

Re: Re: Re: Another Wedding Etiquette Question
 

Yeah, I never think of location. Down here, it wouldn't be looked down upon unless it IS a snotty family. Haha. :)

One of the most thoughtful wedding gifts I received was from a friend of dh's. She took some photos at the rehearsal and the wedding, and put them in a collage frame along with the wedding invitation. It's much more special to me than any of the kabillion picture frames, candlesticks, or chip n' dip trays we received.

The usual etiquette ties the amount you should spend to the amount being spent on you for your spot at the reception - ie if the 'cost per plate' is extremely high for one particular wedding, you'd be expected to give a nicer gift.

I think that your personal ability to spend would trump all of these concerns, but not everyone is as forgiving as me.

Re: Re: Another Wedding Etiquette Question
 

I think you are right on track, though as mentioned I would adjust the amount to match the area.

But I can say, years after getting married I don't remember who bought what. I don't care who bought me what- I know who was there and who wasn't there though!

A wedding gift for another person shouldn't cause a hardship, so don't spend more than you can afford obviously.

Typically, good friends get a gift around $50-$75... but this is if you have it just lying around.

Just remember, giving a wedding gift is completely optional. The fact that you are going to her wedding should be all that's expected... (in a perfect world :rolleyes: )

I would go in on something with someone else if you can.

Absolutely. For example, if they're serving rumaki and mozzarella sticks only for dinner, then anvil loppers and plastic sawhorses are appropriate.

Definitely - you never should go beyond your means, and if the couple doesn't understand that, then that's their problem.

On the other hand, as was noted, if they're serving burgers and it's BYOB, don't feel like you have to spend much at all on the gift.

I have always been told that the concept of giving a wedding gift that equals the cost of one's dinner is a huge faux pas. However, in looking at Emily Post Institute online, she says otherwise:

"How much should I spend?
There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide."

Just in case you were worried about it! ;)

Ok here's an addon to the original question....

I am a bridesmaid for an old friend in a few months. I earn a modest living as do most people just out of college. I have already spent 300 dollars on my dress, 100 on my shoes, was forced into 100 for the shower gift by the mother (I had planned to spend 50), 300 for my plane ticket, 150ish to rent a car for the weekend, in addition to a variety of other expenses like parking at the airport and putting my dog in the kennel.

So let's see
300
100
100
300
150
+??
= 950 dollars (almost one whole paycheck)

I know this all comes along with the honor of being asked to be a bridesmaid so don't bash me for that one.... but I just wasn't expecting at 300 dollar dress and 100 dollar shoes.

So my question... before I head into the poor house or have to give up my beautiful new car that I have worked so hard for...

What do you think is the appropriate amount for a bridesmaid to give?????

I am in a similar boat except I don't have to buy an airplane ticket or rent a car. I do have to throw a shower at an expensive restaurant. The shower has become a mini-wedding. I had to cut the guest list to a more manageable number, and now she is mad at us for excluding her friends. I don't think she realizes or even cares how expensive it is. It's like I am investing in her future instead of mine. I have already dipped into my wedding fund for this. I'm trying to enjoy this, but I can't wait until it's over.

As far as a wedding gift is concerned, my fiancé asked me what are we giving the couple. I said that I wasn't sure so he suggested $500. I nearly choked. I feel like making a donation in their names to the Human Fund. ;)

After all that crap you had to buy, I think you should send the happy couple a lovely card. I'm serious. That is crazy, and but one of the many reasons why the whole concept of bridesmaids eludes me.

I understand the whole bridesmaid thing, but I think you are SO right with that idea! I just went through something similar with my best friend.... really expensive dress and such. I didn't have to buy a plane ticket, but I did have to drive from Austin to Houston three times in a month and to Dallas once....

Ladypi- being that you are a bridesmaid, this woman obviously thinks of you as a good friend.... She will most likely not expect you to spend much more money (at least, she shouldn't). For example, my best friend knew how tight my money situation was, and she would have yelled at me if I had spent any more money than I did for her gift. :)

The Bridesmaid expenses are totally outrageous. I've handled it by getting all the bridesmaids together and we purchased a mani/pedi and massage for the bride. Between all of us it was reasonable. I tried to do this at another wedding but there one bridesmaid who wanted to spend A LOT more---to each their own.

$300 for a dress is pretty crazy, $100 for shoes is RIDICULOUS. Plus the shower and hotel and car rental and all that... That's just too much to ask of someone, regardless of their financial situation.
Almost all bridesmaid dresses are long and you can't even see the shoes. Thank god the last wedding I was in the bride just told us to wear whatever was comfy and didn't look too bad.

If you're a bride and you want a particular thing like $300 dresses or $100 shoes, you should damn well fork over for it and not expect your bridesmaids to fork up.

Will you be paying for your own makeup/hair/manicure?

See the better thing the bride could have done is let you get those $300 dresses but let you choose your own shoes, accesories, etc.

But $300 is a lot! What are they? Embellished with gold?

One of my friends was a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding. The girl didn't like any bridesmaids dresses so instead she picked out her own fabric and designed the dresses herself and had someone sew the dresses for all of the bridesmaids. Because this was also an Orthodox Jewish wedding, the dresses all needed to have long sleeves and required more fabric. My friend ended up spending $400 on her bridesmaid dress which she hated.

In late April I was a bridesmaid - same situation. Shoes, dress, 7 hour drive there and back, a lingerie shower, a night out for the bachelorette party.... and I'm pretty strapped for cash, in general, anyway.

So about a month after the wedding she and her groom got an old-school Nintendo NES set ($65, with shipping) I got off eBay. They were thrilled.

I agree the shoes are expensive. Aren't most bridesmaid dresses long enough that you don't notice the shoes?

There's no steadfast rule that you have to give the gift at the reception. Her mom is not going to pat you down for a gift in front of guests. All you have to say if she asks is that it's been taken care of. Eventually you will.:)

There are gifts that can be meaningful from a bridesmaid that don't cost a whole lot. For example, one of my bridesmaids did a cross stitch thing with bride and groom names and the date. Another put a good pic she took of us in a double frame with the wedding invitation framed on one side. A scrapbook of the pre-wedding events (showers, bachelorette party, getting ready the morning of, etc) could be fun too.

As usual, I think "Emily" is right.

As with the earlier thread about giving cash as a gift, the idea of spending the cost of one's plate at the reception is a new one on me that I heard here at GC. Perhaps it's another location thing. In the South -- at least in the part of the South where I'm from -- dinner receptions are rare. (The only people I know of who have had them are from families that moved here from elsewhere.) The "normal" reception around here is more the hors d'oeuvre style (heavy hors d'oeuvres for a midday or evening wedding).

Frankly, the real etiquette real faux pas would be for the bride and groom to give any consideration to how much someone spent on a gift for them.

If you're spending that much for the wedding, then a card would be appropriate. When my wife and I got married, while we did as much as we could to alleviate costs (paying for items ourselves, finding best deals for things), we didn't really expect our bridesmaids or groomsmen to get us anything. The efforts they were making for the wedding were more than enough.

Additionally, we had people travelling in for the event, so we understood that the added cost of attending would keep some people from buying gifts. I think any bride and groom who assume otherwise really need a reality check.

MysticCat - I agree, the bride and groom should be happy that people came for the event and be satisfied with any gift they get.

When I got married (about 6 years ago) we had a huge range of gifts! The average was probably about $50-$100, but some people didn't give anything (not even a card), some got me gifts that I know they got on sale for like $5-$10, and then some gave way more cash than I would have ever thought. So just give what you feel comfortable with like a lot of people said.

If you don't feel like you can afford much I think I would suggest going to sentimental route like others suggested, like making something. Look at some crafty websites on the internet and see if they have any suggestions for weddings. ...We also got a nice pillow that someone had needlepointed (not sure if that's a word :) ). Or how about buying them some holiday decorations for their home. Or look at someplace like Things Remembered and get something monogrammed. A lot of my friends went in together and bought a bigger gift.

Thanks ya'll so much for the support. As I thought I was being cheap thinking the 100 dollars for ugly dye-to match shoes were OUT OF CONTROL! None of the other bridesmaids said one word (not that I have met any of them anyways...since I am a high school friend) I will never never wear those shoes again. To make matters worse, (and trust me I know it's HER day and all that jazz) but she comes from an extremely wealthy family and my feelings were honestly kinda hurt that she didn't offer to help with the "being the only out of town bridesmaid" expenses. But if anything, I have learned alot from this situation. I will keep the girls in my wedding and their financial status in mind when picking out dresses and so forth. And within MY means, I will help out the girls who are from out of town or who I know will have problems with the expenses. I would rather have a cheaper cake or less random people I don't know...because afterall, a wedding is about having the people closest to you celebrate your love.

Thanks for all the input everyone... it's great ya'll are there for the unbiased opinions!

I agree!

Both of the weddings I have been in in the last 6 months had dresses that cost $300. I thought it was expensive, but didn't think it was outrageous. One of the bride's mom was nice enough to volunteer to pay $50 of our dress. I thought that was very sweet of her.

They also both told us just to wear black strappy heels (which I think every woman has) so that was nice too.

My thoughts- I would pay as much as I need to to be IN a close friend's wedding.... But if after all that I can't afford to get her a gift, then I expect her to understand. Haha, but neither of my friends turned into "Bridezillas" so maybe I got lucky! :)

You are lucky! My bridezilla screamed at me last night for not inviting enough of her friends to her shower. I have no idea how she knows so many details of the shower, but apparently there is a leak somewhere. She still hasn't called to apologize although she told another bridesmaid that she feels bad that she yelled at me. I was in tears, and it takes a lot to make me cry. I really feel like blowing off her shower and quitting as her bridesmaid.

Aww, you poor thing! That is so mean! I mean, I know it is about her wedding day and everything, but if my best friend had yelled at me like that, she would have gotten the same right back. Just cause it's your wedding is no reason to not be nice to the women who care enough about you to be a part of your special day. :(

OMG what a witchypoo. That's pretty rude that you had to find out secondhand that she "feels bad". I hope she apologizes to you face to face.

If it's too late to cancel the shower and get your deposit back, don't throw in the towel. Show up and be the best Peaches-n-Cream hostess you can be and rise above her bridezilla ways.

If people were left off of your guest list, there's no reason that the uninvited can't give her another shower. Some brides have been know to have more than one shower.

I'm with you Lindz928. The brides I've stood up for never got to the bridezilla zone.

Haha. What a great word! :)

Thanks. I have been feeling crappy about this all day. I was in shock last night when it happened. I saw the first signs of bridezilla in July, but I never thought that she would behave this way. Her shower was going to be a beautiful affair this weekend with the women who love her. Now I don't even want to attend.

Maybe I'm doing things wrong, but I thought showers are for family and close friends. I invited 43 women plus the bridal party, but that isn't enough. I think that she wants a mini-wedding, but our budget won't allow that. I just cannot believe that she treated me so disrespectfully after all the work and planning that we have done. So basically, I was screamed at for throwing her an expensive party.

lol@ witchypoo. The shower is Saturday so it's too late to change anything. Until the screaming began last night, I was having fun. I'm just going to get my hair done, wear my cute dress, and enjoy myself. I hope that this outburst was just temporary insanity.

Calling HR Pufnstuf! Calling HR Pufnstuf!
http://www.vulcanjedi.com/images/witchiepoo.jpg

I PERSONALLY think that 43 plus the bridal party is perfectly reasonable. No, she does NOT need a mini-wedding. I know she is your friend and all but :rolleyes: to her for thinking that. AND for being so mean to someone who cared enough to put her own time, effort, and money into making a special party for her.

IMHO, 43 people is TOO many people to ask to a shower!! I'd rather see a bride have 3-4 showers than have the mini-wedding this brat is demanding.

Frankly, I question if she's mature enough to marry. Can you imagine if the drycleaner or the rug cleaners get her order wrong? She's going to have a nervous breakdown!

Ok Yall I have GOT to bring this back up. Remember from before how tacky it was for the mother to ask us all to give a 100 dollar gift to the shower??? Well because of this and all the above mentioned, I had decided th only spend 50 dollars on the wedding gift, which I think is perfectly reasonable since I am only one year out of college. Well I get an email from the bride's sister today. It says "I was wondering what ya'll thought about just giving [insert brides name] a big check since she's got everything else she needs and registered for. I also spoke with [insert another bridesmaid's name] about getting [insert grooms name]'s wedding party in on it, so hopefully we can give her and [groom] $1?00.00 on their wedding day. If everyone is cool with that, please mail me a 100.00 check and I will write one big check and get a card for all of us to sign at the rehersal dinner. Please have this to me BEFORE [bride]'s wedding [which it in 3 weeks] so I can write the check!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I am so POed!!!! I mean. Now I feel forced into giving this money... which I don't have! I don't even want to go now because the mother and the sister are going to have it out for me if I don't do it. How tacky and uncouth is this? Goes to show you that money doesn't buy class doesn't it?

Please please tell me what I should do? I am kinda freaking out thinking I won't be able to pay bills next month. And my parents would give me the money but I shouldn't have to ask.

Ok, thanks for letting me vent!!!!!

Send her an IOU....

Seriously though, email her and say "since you were 'wondering what we thought' I will tell you what I think...I can't give this much money, my budget won't allow it. Thank you for including me in your idea, but I will be sending a seperate gift".

OMFG. I would email her back and say "No thank you, I have already purchased a gift."