depledging
 

I, like another member on the forum, was dropped by my first choice sorority during formal fall recruitment this year. I ended up trying to have an open mind and signed a bid for another sorority. Now I have been pledging for about 3 weeks and I just feel like I don't fit in with the girls in this particular sorority. I love the activities and MND, but I can not see myself being actively involved with the sorority because I don't find myself having much in common with many of the girls that are my sisters. I am seriously considering depledging and trying for my first choice sorority next fall.

I understand that getting a bid from this sorority after they dropped me is not likely, but I have extended family members and friends that are alumni and would write me letters of recommendations. Would that actually help if I rush again next year get into my first choice? How much do LOR actually matter in fall rush?

What do you think the possibliltiy of getting a bid from another sorority would be especially my first choice?

Without knowing the school or more details, no one can really give you a good guess.
If your LOR didn't get you into the house you wanted this time around, they're not going to help more the next time around.

LOR are a little "extra" to get your foot in the door. They won't get you a bid. You've already been through a formal recruitment with this chapter. The same women will be there next year, with the PNM's they selected in this recruitment.

Stick with your current sorority awhile longer. You need to come out to events and make an effort to make friends in order to "feel the sisterhood." If you make a concerted effort and you're still not making friends, then drop before initiation.

However, I don't recommend you go through formal recruitment a second time unless you have a lot of friends in that chapter (which even then will not guarantee you a bid).

Are you at U of Southern Cal?

If so, you're better off to stick it out where you are.

Quit dwelling on your "first choice" and try a little harder to get to know the girls in the sorority you're in now.

Anything new is going to be hard and awkward at first. Even though I joined my first choice sorority, it wasn't an automatic fit. It took a while for everyone to get to know and be comfortable with each other. This isn't a negative - just the way life and organizations are in general. Put an honest effort into getting to know the girls this semester before making a decision on whether to depledge.

That's what I was thinking too. The screen name does imply USC, and if that's where the poster is at, her chances at getting into another sorority next year (especially if that sorority already cut her once) are pretty slim.

Let's say you are never, ever going to get a bid to your first choice sorority. If that is the case, would you rather be in the sorority you are in now, or not in a sorority? I think that's the real question you have to answer -- it would be foolish to quit now hoping that you'd get into another sorority.

Trust me...I've been there...

I didn't get into my "first choice"...but I did get into my best choice.

I was a sophomore when I rushed so I thought I knew exactly where I wanted to go...however the more I hear about that particular house (even to this day I still hear things about it) the more it made me happy with my choice. You couldn't have told me that on Bid day, but I made the best of it and I really had fun.

As a USC alum, I have to echo this statement. It is VERY hard to re-rush there, and hard to rush as a sophomore or older.

I knew a few women who tried to re-rush as sophomores because they were dead set on one particular chapter or another. What they forgot, is that even if you are a freshman, the odds of you getting into that one "special" house are really against you -- because say there are 12 houses, only one out of every 12 women who goes through recruitment will get that sorority. Recruitment only gets harder for sophomores and juniors.

When I met the women from my pledge class, I didn't fit in either. However, I found a core group of seven friends, and we are still best friends now -- and we were the "black sheep" of the house, but we still loved our sisters. Just give it more of a chance, three weeks is not enough time to make a decision.

I am at USC and I did not have letters of recommendation the first time I rushed. I really do want to be in the greek system, but I feel like the sorority I ended up in is not for me. I do understand it will be hard to even get a bid next year, but I know one person who did it (granted 1 in however many girls there were is not a lot) , but I'm just hoping for some sort of luck I guess. How do sororities decide who they want to invite back? Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of getting a bid from another sorority the second time around?

Read the advice you've been given again.

Do you hate the sorority you're in so much and are so miserable that you'd rather not be in the Greek system at all than be a member?

Because if you depledge at this school, it's very likely that's what the outcome will be.

It would be hard enough to get a bid just as a sophomore...it will be even harder to get a bid if you've already depledged one group.

Honestly, USC is a tough recruitment; I base this on my experience helping our chapter there with alumnae advising.

Bottom Line-- Membership selection and recruitment are a very emotional and trying time both for the chapters and the PNMs. How do sororities decide who they want to invite back? This is priviledged information unique to each chapter. No one on this board is at liberty to discuss.

Why are you so determined to get into this one group? Based on an impression of them at recruitment? Why are you so determined to leave the group who offered you a bid? Have you gone to any events? Made any effort to make friends?

Either stick with your current org or depledge and do not rush an NPC again. You might want to check out other options for Greek Life at the school, but it sounds to me as if you've put all your hopes in one basket for one NPC sorority in particular.


If you're insistent that your current sorority isn't for you, drop now and give them the opportunity to bid a member who wants to be there. Sorry if that sounds harsh. But if you're willing to throw in the towel after 3 weeks, you don't sound like you care anyway, and you're not the type of member that will be there for the long haul-- being in a women's group isn't always roses and teddy bears. Sometimes there are disagreements between chapter leaders and chapter members, or a member/group of members compromises the chapter in some way, or you just have a handful of people you don't like very much. That's normal and typical of any organization. Having 100 sisters does not equal having 100 friends.

Good luck with your decision.

I couldn't have said it any better so I'm not going to even try and I'm just going to agree wholeheartedly.

And another thing, if you wanted this group so bad why didn't you get recs from the people you know in the first place (not that it would guaranteed anything)? Even if you didn't know you wanted that group, you should have gotten recs for them.

And I will reiterate, why would a sorority take you (who lacked commitment and depledged after 3 weeks) over a freshman?

I am going to be as honest as I can.....

You need to get your head out of the clouds about your first choice...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN, you are going to USC...even though you know that 1 person who got a second bid at whatever house.....what makes you think its going to happen to you?

You can not be close with every single person in your house, it would be great if you could, but again, slim to none. You need to focus on a few people who are you comfortable with, those ladies will be your core. You will still call all the ladies in the house your sisters, but these women will be your core group.

I need to ask you something...how much of an effort have you made to make friends, to find your niche?

Its been 3 weeks, I know NM periods are "short" but you need more time to really "feel it".

You can read my story somewhere on this board, but I will tell you this, the house that I got into was not my first choice, but as someone put it, it was my best choice, I threw myself into it, I thought I had a really close friend, but things changed really quickly, but I did find my core group and those ladies showed me what sisterhood is about and I will be grateful to them forever.

I know you know all the platitudes about how each house is great and unique and have some fantastic members. But I really think you have a case of the grass is always greener on the other side.

I know some women on 'SC campus right now who would give their eye-teeth to be where you are b/c they did not get a bid. You need to put things into perspective and be honored that you got a bid at all.


Do you want to be greek? Are you extremely miserable? Or are you still hung-up on your first choice? You need to answer these questions, because I know these ladies want you as their sister (they wouldn't have given you a bid if they didn't) but if you are still going look over your shoulder and wish for your first choice?

Get out now and stop these ladies from forming anymore attachment to you.

co-sign adpiucf

I'm not familiar with USC recruitment at all but I'm willing to bet there is a whole gaggle of girls who were cut heavily during recruitment and didn't receive a bid at all. Any one of them would be thrilled to have the spot in your org that you are willing to drop after only 3 weeks. If you are really that unhappy there de-pledge and give someone else the opportunity to be a contributing member of the organization.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

What's to say that you won't want to depledge the other group after 3 weeks either?

LOL some of you are kind of harsh.

Isn't it entirely possible that someone could end up in a group that is just not right for her and that no matter how hard she might try, she's just never going to relate to almost all of her sisters?

I mean, I still don't think she's going to get a bid anywhere else so the issue here is limited to sticking it out or quitting, in my opinion. However, I really don't see the point of someone staying where she's not happy. It doesn't matter if all the starving kids in Ethiopia would love to trade places with her -- if you don't relate, you don't relate -- and personally, I don't think it's worth it to stick with it if you're not getting what you want out of the experience.

Sticking my non-NPC nose in...

I think it depends on why she isn't happy. If because she's truly not happy, then quit. If she's not happy because she's always thinking about the other group, then she needs to stop. If she's not happy because of gossip then she needs to ignore it or work to make her group better.

I realize this all takes a certain amount of self-awarness that many college freshman may or may not possess. I would think that she needs to take a good long walk or drive by herself and think about what she wants. Is it reputation? Is it prestige? Is it family approval? Is it activities? Those needs may or may not be met in her current group--but only she knows what those needs are.

If you don't feel comfortable with where you ended up, I agree that what you really need to be asking yourself is whether you would rather be in no sorority as opposed to the one you're in. If you'd rather not be in one at all, then I say there's no harm in dropping and re-rushing -- knowing, of course, that your chances are about 1 in 100 of getting into your first choice at USC (possibly less likely considering which sorority your first choice was). If you would rather be in a sorority than in none, you probably should stay where you're at, because your chances aren't good.

If you are set on one particular house, you will definitely need to focus on letters of recommendation -- however, I'll be honest, those won't be nearly enough to make up for the handicaps that you are 1) a sophomore and 2) they've cut you before. You need to focus on the possible reasons why they cut you and start remedying those. Raise your grades, join other groups on campus and take on leadership positions, focus on your appearance. You will also need to make a number of GOOD friends in that house. And keep in mind that all of this, at a school like USC, is only enough to maybe possibly give you a SHOT at that house.

I disagree with some of the posters who say that you should never depledge and re-rush. Sometimes girls end up somewhere where they're uncomfortable and another house will be a better fit, and many sororities at many campuses understand this. (I can't speak for USC, but I know that this is not looked down upon on my campus.) However, you have to be realistic about your chances. USC has one of the most competitive rushes in the country -- quite possibly the most competitive rush outside of the South -- and posters are being realistic when they say that getting a bid from a house that has already cut you is probably not going to happen, even with letters of rec.

ETA: You have to keep in mind that many women feel the same way you do after bid day. Rush is a time where you get to see each chapter at their best, where all drama and negativity is carefully concealed and kept from PNMs. Being exposed to that drama during the new member period or after initiation can be an unpleasant surprise, and cause doubts: "Maybe I should have gone XYZ?" However, XYZ is dealing with the same exact drama, and had you joined that group you probably would be wondering if you should have joined ABC instead.

Can you elaborate on why you're unhappy with your current sorority?

Take the first step towards getting to know your sisters
 

Smart answer!

Also - something to keep in mind -
yes, you were dropped by sorority ABC. Furthermore, you pledged sorority XYZ. I would say that there is a good chance pledging XYZ would probably also hurt your chances with ABC.

I think you should stick it out. Talk to your new member educator.. let her know your concerns. Maybe the chapter needs to have more interaction between new members and initiates, or more activities for the new members in general. This may help you get to know your sisters better and make you feel more at home.

I think valkyrie really hit the nail on the head in saying that the real question here is whether you want to be Greek or not, and in my opinion you really need to think about the real reason why you're unhappy. I don't know anything about USC so I will take your all's word for it that rush is competitive there, but I can definitely say that it's a little early in the game to call it quits if you're even a tiny bit unsure. You have some time before initiation, so why not make the most of it? You still have the option of dropping before everything's signed and sealed.

Talk to your pledge mom. Talk to your big or temporary big. Talk to people you are closer with in your pledge class.

Give it a little more time. 3 weeks isn't very long at all.

You've been given some great advice. If you don't like the orority you are in, you can easily resign. However, don't resign thinking it will be easy to get a bid again, especially from one particular house. Realize, like everyone else has said, that resigning may be the end of Greek life for you.

It sounds to me that you have already made up your mind, you just want our "blessing". I'm not sure if many of us can give it.

If you aren't happy with the group you pledged, then I strongly suggest you not get initiated because once you are an initiated member of a NPC organization, there really will be no turning back. No chance of ever becoming a member of your first choice. If you truly love your first choice, perhaps you should wait and seek AI once you are finished with your collegiate experience.

At my university, we only had 1 or 2 girls who rerushed in my 4 years. The sororities were kind of competitive. I distinctly remember going over names of PNMs and someone saying, "didn't that girl go through last year?" "yes, i don't know why she is wasting her time, she'll get cut again". People will remember that girl. No one wants someone else's sloppy seconds (sorry if that sounds harsh, it is the best way i can describe it right now).

In my experience, a recommendation is a boost for you, not something that will keep you off of a bid list. There were girls we loved that didn't have recs, we got them for the girls because we really wanted these women. Actually, I have a good friend who was recruitment advisor at UCLA and she has said that she is amazed at how many women here in Texas have recs. I know, I know, UCLA isn't USC, but same state, maybe similiar situations with recs.

Also, isn't there a rule that states if you sign a bid card for one group, you cannot accept a bid from an other group for an entire year? Wouldn't that make rushing and accepting a bid again next fall semester impossible?

I went to a large commuter school with a small greek system....right off the top of my head I know 4 girls who re-rushed after they signed bids with an NPC sorority. They then waited their year-- and then re-pledged with their first choice.

Key words in what I said-- "small greek system." I would stick it out if I were you, because just like everyone said- it does not guarantee you a bid from your top choice the second time around. If you trulllllllly do not like this house then drop out, but remember that this could be your only chance of ever being greek...but at the same time do not hold the place in the sorority that could potentially be for someone who would love to be there. I would stick it out a little longer and see if things get better-- if they do not then "de-pledge"-- because no matter what you will have to wait until next year-- but at least waiting a little longer will give you more time to think and make a clear decision.

Good Luck!

If she would have come on here saying "I hate sorority life, I hate all the meetings and time commitments, I can't stand being around so many girls" I don't think anyone on here would have a problem with her wanting to depledge, cause sorority life in general is probably just not for her. I don't think that would be a lack of commitment issue.

But she hasn't said that. She has said she wants out so she can go after her "dream" sorority - which 1) may not bid her and 2) as Dani pointed out, she may not have any better of a time in than this one.

If this was another campus I might say go for it, what the heck, but at this one, she's pretty much shooting herself in the foot.

Please tell me someone did not suggest that she wait and try AI later on!!! I know the writer probably meant well, but....

I know a lot of things have changed since this dinosaur joined a sorority but I have a question for those of you who are collegiates now-- back in my day if you de-pledged, the 1 year before you could rush again began at the time you broke your pledge, not when you signed your bid. If you signed a bid and then did not accept the bid the 1 year ran from that date. Is this the same now? If it is the same, she will be unable to rush in fall to try for her first choice house because of the 1 year prohibition.

DaffyKD

I think it's one calendar year from when you signed your bid, now, at least technically. But I know at Pitt you could re-rush in the next fall's rush. It wouldn't be "fair" if, say, you couldn't rush because they moved rush back earlier. I'm sure someone will whip out their green book with the answer!

if this pnm made it all the way to prefs with her dream sorority, but was not offered a bid, then she might stand a chance with them next year. for instance, dream sorority might have extended 52 bids, and all were accepted and our pnm was #53 on the bid list. if she was dropped fairly early in the recruitment process, the chances of being extended a bid from the dream group next year would be slimmer.

however, i would also like to join the majority who are urging you to give your present sorority a little more time. talk to the officer in charge of educating the new members, talk to the president, or your big sister, or a pledge sister-anyone in the sorority that you feel close to OR you feel would listen to you and would care. don't tell them that you really wish you had been offered a bid by your dream sorority, but do tell them about you feelings of not being connected.

i will tell you this: you should make a concerted effort to go over to the house, eat your meals there,be outgoing, meet your pledge sisters and get to know them, as well as the initiated members. turn yourself into the rusher-ask the girls questions, start a conversation with them and really listen. don't just show up, sit in a corner and expect them to run up to you and keep you entertained. if,after all that effort you still do not feel a connection, then have one more talk with the pledge trainer or president, and if things can't be worked out, then depledge.

EXCELLENT EXCELLENT EXCELLENT advice there!

When I think back to various girls that we had depledge or that were thinking about depledging (now, i'm excluding girls that weren't sure if they could handle the cost)- they were the girls who were never around, who rarely showed up to things, who did NOT put forth any effort. Some of them, after talking to their plege mom or big, started showing up to more things, hanging out when they didn't "have" to, doing stupid things like going to Walmart and watching crappy TV with sisters... those not-so-sure pledges turned into fabulous sisters who love the house! The ones who actually depledged? Yep, they were never there and put in no effort to get to know any of the sisters.

You get out of a sorority what you put into it. The sorority's job isn't to entertain you. It goes both ways.

And if you don't put in any effort to get to know the sisters, why should they go out of their way for you?

Obviously we don't know the situation and exactly what you've done, but I do get this impression.

For everyone who asked about the year rule, as far as I know it is still the "spirit" of the year, not a calendar year. So if you depledge in October from fall formal rush you can still rush next August or September.

I think you need to stop thinking of the 'what ifs' and start thinking about the 'now'. You did not get a bid to your first choice group. Neither did I - it happens to many of us. If you want to be Greek, you have your opportunity. You can either make the most of the experience or not, the choice is yours.

Three weeks is too soon to throw in the towel, IMO. I think you need to speak with your New Member Educator, Advisor or Big Sis and talk about your concerns.

As far as recs helping or not helping - if a sorority requires recs, they will find them for you. Having them in advance won't do much good for the second time rushing. The chapters already know you..and they will know that you pledged another group and left.

I hope you won't mind if I add a comment from a guy's point of view, but, as I read through this thread I couldn't help noticing a recurring theme which ran along the line of "do you want to be in Greek Life or not?" While I think some very good advice has been offered I was wondering if Greek Life for the sake of Greek Life is a good argument. When I went through the system several years back I checked out all of the fraternities, did my research by talking with lots of people about each group, visited each house and made a point of meeting as many actives as I could. Right from the start I knew where I wanted to be and I knew that if I did not make it I would try for open bidding. However, I realized that if there was no way I would get a bid from my first choice there were a couple of houses that I might fit with pretty well. On the other hand, there were several houses that I did not feel comfortable with at all, and a couple that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot barge pole. If I got a bid from one of these I would politely decline. By the end of senior year, and in the years since, I found that my instincts were right on the money and I would have been far better off avoiding certain houses as there was no way I could committ to lifelong brotherhood with these guys. Since to me Greek Life is all about brotherhood and living up to the ideals, aims, and purposes of your org joining a house you don't feel you can really identify with only for the sake of being in Greek Life makes no sense to me.
I was lucky, I got the bid I wanted and it has been great ever since, but as I look back I truly believe that it is better to decline bids from houses that do not balance the equasion for you. Somehow the thought of going XYZ just to be in a fraternity strikes me as a really bad choice. Better to be GDI and get involved in all sorts of other activities. A lifetime committment should be a happy and satisfactory committment.
Anyway, those are my thoughts from a guy,s point of view. Thanks for the opportunity to add an opinion.

dekeguy,

I believe that's why many GCers are asking her to elaborate and trying to cover all bases.

They want to know if this was a house that just wasn't her first choice, one that she could eventally fit in well, one that she wasn't comfortable in or one she "wouldn't touch with a 10 foot barge pole" as you put it.

Also, there are some schools (and from what everyone else is posting, I believe hers is one) that it's almost better for a woman to stay in a sorority that she's not 100% in love with, then not be in a sorority at all.

I think there's different levels of "Going Greek, just to be Greek". If you're doing it just to say you are and to wear around some neat letters, then I would say don't waste your money and a spot for a PNM that would be totally happy. If you're doing it for the networking aspect I would weigh heavily what field your in and if there's enough sisters (alum) with connections to make it worth it to you. If it's to have a family away from college (or, let's face it, to have drinking buddies), and you feel like eventually you could connect with the group you're in, even if you're not feeling it right now, then I would say to stick it out. I know the thought of someone "Going Greek, just to be Greek"(we need an anacronym for that on GC, GGjtbG maybe?) is not the best thought for us that are gung-ho about our org, but everyone goes Greek for a different reason.

So I guess the bottom line for this girl, as many have said, is she needs to decide why she wanted to go Greek in the first place.

IMO, this is the case at SC. if you want to be in a sorority and you are not, the Greeks are everywhere and visible and you'd feel left out. I know a lot of women who did not get their first choice house, but came to love the houses they did join and did feel it was better to be greek at SC than not be greek and want to be.

Also, dekeguy, she had to have liked this sorority enough to stay with them all the way through rush. If they were as awful to her as your "10 foot pole" houses, she would have cut them during recruitment. (Unless she was a snap or something - unlikely.)

Also, speaking as an alumna, most of a person's Greek experience is going to be after college. I know that is very difficult for a collegian to realize. Even if she doesn't totally love the girls in her collegiate chapter, is she opposed to the whole org so much that she wouldn't even want the alumnae experience?