advice after the cuts
 

I went through rush 20 years ago and now my daughter is rushing. I went through rush with a negative attitude, but actually loved the whole rush experience. I just mentioned rush to my daughter with no pressure. At first she didn't want to go through because she was shy. Last night she called- totally excited-- she loved the first day and wanted to be in a sorority!! She called this morning a little disappointed-- out of 15 sororities and a potential of nine parties, she only received 3 invites for today. What do I say as a mom?? And what do I say if the cuts continue--

Cuts are hard. About the only advice I could offer is that she should make the absolute most of the invitations she received. After all, she could have gotten completely dropped.

She should take the opportunity between now and her next round of parties to research the three groups she is visiting so that she can ask pointed and specific questions about their history, programs, etc. This will impart her interest in the groups and also make her stand out as someone that is genuinely interested in their organization.

I'd say if the cuts continue, that she needs to evaluate her grades and activities and how they compared to the other women going through recruitment. If there is a question as to her academics, etc., she should work hard on grades this semester, and select one or two activities on campus where she can really shine (and if possible, interact with GLO members), then try for informal recruitment in the spring.

Good luck!

Since I have been out of the loop for awhile, I am wondering about grades, etc. She was in National Honor Society in high school, but her last semester she took two college credit classes. She received a B and a C. Would they be looking at those? She had some rec's and was active in sports, drama, and music in high school??? Thanks for your reply--

What was her final GPA? Some groups will cut anything below a 2.5 or even a 3.0, depending on the campus.

Sounds like she had plenty of activities, too. I really don't know. Regardless, I feel my advice to her is pretty sound. I'm sure others will chime in as well.

B.

All you can do is encourage her to make the most of the invites that she did get. If she is truly shy, she simply may have been unremembered, not disliked and the chapters have to cut a certain number of women. If she does end up cut from all the groups, there are so many campus activities that she can get involved with that she should have no trouble finding a niche somewhere on campus. Being Greek is not the be all end all of college life. We do not succeed at everything we try to do and that's an important lesson to learn in life. Everybody learns it at some point, even though it is painful.

Dee

Thanks for the great advice. A part of me wishes that I had never suggested rush or had her talk to the Greek recruitment ladies at orientation. Actually to be honest, I wish she hadn't called sooo excited last night. I keep telling her to talk to her Rho Gamma and reminding her of the nice people she is meeting. She said that she sat with the Rho Gams while other girls went to parties this afternoon and that they were really nice. As a high school teacher, I encourage several young ladies to take part in Rush-- as a mother, I am just waiting for my daughter to find some friends and blossom!! How do I know if she should look into informal rush (only if things still don't work out); I need to remember that she was excited about the three invites she had today!!! (As a side note, I did pledge and really enjoyed both sides of the rushing process) Thanks

People on this board like to make a big deal out of grades and activities, but the truth is that personality is ten times more important than grades or activities at most schools. (Not to say that grades and activities aren't important, but at many schools these days, admissions standards are strict enough that every girl who was enrolled in the college would have had the required 3.0 high school GPA and variety of extracurriculars and service. I know this is true where I rushed, and my school wasn't exactly Harvard.)

This isn't to say that your daughter has a bad personality. It's just that sorority rush, especially at large schools, tends to favor those with dynamic, memorable personalities. Your daughter may be very sweet, but if she's shy, it's easy for her to get lost in the current. Sorority rush at big schools can be very rough for girls who are shy, which is awful because every house can always do with a few more sweet, behind-the-scenes type girls. (If you get too many alpha personalities in one chapter, hello drama!)

As stated above, tell her to forget the chapters that cut her for now and focus on the ones that wanted her back. It doesn't matter how many chapters asked you back; there will be girls who got asked back to all 15 houses who will drop out of rush or be cut heavily later on, and there will be girls who got cut by quite a few houses in the beginning but will end up in a house they love. It may be useful for her to practice conversations a little in her head before the next round -- did she travel anywhere exciting this summer? Did she do anything unique in high school? Even just practicing silly little anecdotes you can fall back on or fun questions to ask the rusher when conversation gets slow can help you be more memorable. Also, this sounds like common sense, but it isn't always that obvious -- if you really like a house or have a good time at a party, tell the girl who's rushing you! I avoided doing this because I didn't want to sound too desperate or like I was sucking up, but as a rusher I LOVED it when girls were enthusiastic about things. When it comes down to choosing between two girls who are in all other aspects even, the sorority will probably pick the girl let them know that she wanted to be a member, right?

I think it's just important to stress that cuts don't necessarily reflect on who she is, and there are plenty of amazing women who get lost in the shuffle at every school every year.

Would you mind mentioning what school she's at, or did you want to keep that a secret for now? I'm just mentioning that because many of the schools where rush is going on right now are large Southern schools with competitive recruitments where recommendations are necessary -- that could be a factor.

This is such wonderful advice and makes me feel better for talking with her- She is at Iowa State-- I do appreciate the Rho Gams being so nice to her- I'm hoping that things are going well tonight-- One of my former students, who is in a house at ISU- but not able to be at Rush, says she feels that ISU has a house for everyone- I hope that is the case for my daughter too--

i think sugar and spice gave great advice. i will be sending your daughter good wishes that she enjoys the rest of recruitment and finds a home!

She called and said that she really enjoyed the three houses that she went to today- She said she felt like she was out-going-- when I reminded her that sometimes it is hard to remember someone who is a little shy (Thanks for all of your advice!!) I'm really proud of her because she has a great attitude-- The thought that she could be cut again hasn't crossed her mind-- I'm just a worried mom. I reminded her that it was great that three houses had invited her back today, and we just look forward to whatever tomorrow brings--

Just out of curiosity, are any of the three houses your daughter's legacy house?

Btw, you're doing a wonderful "cheerleading" job, oldrusheenowmom!! :) Keep up the good work!!

I really feel your pain because I was in exactly the same position last year when my daughter went through rush. She's at a small, midwestern school with a heavy Greek presence and talked about joining a sorority since high school. She didn't fare well at rush and it was very tough for both of us. The first round of cuts was somewhat disappointing but she accepted that she probably didn't fit in at some of the sorority houses and felt she still had some good choices that she hadn't originally considered but saw might be better fits.

After the second round of cuts, she was pretty devastated (there's only two rounds and then prefs) and she only got one pref invite to a sorority she really never clicked with. She chose not to go to pref and they gave her a bid anyway which she declined. It was tears galore...the classic "I just don't get it". It was very tough to handle for her - on her floor, 13 out of 14 girls went through rush and 12 of 13 got bids. She spent the rest of the semester watching her good friends do all the fun sorority stuff and it was tough for her.

But she persevered and held her head up high. She withdrew a little bit initially but then reconnected and really found the girls she liked alot and ended the semester on a somewhat positive note.

She starts her soph year with some trepidation - knowing that the good friendships she made from her freshman dorm will be tested as all the girls are now living in houses and she's in a single in a dorm. But she's planning on re-rushing (I can't decide if that's a good thing or bad, I'm not sure I can take the disappointment again!) and I think has a clearer picture of which houses are right for her.

I've encouraged her, in the meantime, to get involved in other activities but it's really on her to do that.

As she went through this, I sent a lot of heartfelt e-mails (she got tired of the "are you okay" phone calls) just supporting her and commending her for the grace and dignity with which she handled all the rejection. I cried a lot with my own girlfriends -as I know she did with hers - and that helped relieve some of my own pain. Mother pain is the very worst kind because you feel so helpless at a time when you want to help so much.

Plus, your daughter still has 3 houses left and it only takes one! And if she has an open mind, then this could very well have a happy ending.

Please let us know how it turns out and I'll keep my fingers crossed for the best.

OMG. This post so moved me. Of my 4 girls who have rushed, one had a really rough rush and it tore me up to no end. :( Both of you moms--you're so right, it is terrible to see your daughter devastated. There are several other moms on GC who have experienced this.

After a year of getting very involved on campus, my daughter rushed again and got the group she wanted but I will never, ever forget the pain of watching her suffer.

In no way do I mean to diminish your collective daughters' pain, but sometimes I think it's harder on the (supportive) mothers of PNMs than the actual PNM. I think you ALL deserve a group hug!!

And please let your daughters know that we all hope for their happiness, however that works out!

advice after cuts
 

UofA Fayetteville

All the advice and seeing there are others who have felt the same pain I'm feeling for my daughter tonight is a bit comforting after receiving the tearful phone call tonight.
After a wonderful day and showing well at all the houses she was cut by all but 3.
She still feels a bond with one of the 3, I've encouraged her to learn everything about them and ask questions, show interest. Any other words of wisdom would be helpful.

I'm an Arkansas alum and I know that recruitment there is rough--years of tradition play into their rush and there are many legacies. All the chapters except 1 are very, very old. Tell her to focus on the 3 she received and find some super girls she'd love to be sisters with.

The support from everyone is wonderful-- I am hoping that what she "wishes" works out today-- I feel like being in a house will give her some of the confidence that she needs! Someone asked if my house was one of the three. Unfortunately, AZD closed in 2003 at Iowa State. From what I understand, the house went on a major slide??? I have told some ladies rushing at Nebraska and Iowa to look at the houses there. Keeping my fingers crossed for her call today--

I'm holding a special thought and a prayer in my heart for your daughter. I hope the days brings her good news.

Thanks Carnation, I am an alumni of UA as well but didn't go through the Greek system. I'm finding out just how "closed" rush can be with a few of the houses. But, our attitude will remain positive - good luck to all your girls who are going through rush!

I'm thinking of your daughter as well, oldrusheenowmom, and will say a special prayer for her today. Good Luck, keep us all posted.

As an alumna of an Iowa State sorority, I definitely agree that there is a house for everyone there. Unfortunately, sugar and spice is correct, because so many girls do make the minimum GPA requirement for the majority of the houses, the chapters have to cut for other reasons, and lack of really remembering the PNM is one of them. I was cut extremely hard the third day of recruitment, and it is a difficult blow to take (I called my sister crying).

I'm very glad that your daughter returned to those three houses and had a good time at them. I really believe that all the chapters are Iowa State are good chapters, regardless of size. They all have wonderful sisterhood; they all have great things of which to be proud. All that matters is that your daughter finds the chapter in which she feels most comfortable. If she doesn't feel that maybe she's found it by the end of recruitment, I do believe that quite a few chapters (half or more) participate in informal recruitment, either right after formal recruitment ends, in the beginning of the spring semester or continually throughout the year. Informal is much more relaxed and, well, informal, and many of the more shy women find it much easier to really get to know the different houses and reveal more of their personalities through informal recruitment.

Yes, Alpha Xi Delta closed in 2003. I don't know whether the chapter had begun to "slide," but they had had issues with low numbers for a while. Only AXiD Headquarters really knows why the chapter closed.

If you have any other questions or concerns about the chapters your daughter is still interested in, feel free to PM me. :)

This thread makes me so sad! I never even thought about what a rushee's mom might be going through if she'd been Greek herself...my mom supported me during rush and wanted me to end up happy, but she didn't go to college so I don't think she was as emotionally invested. Those of you who've mentioned not standing out as a reason an otherwise great girl might be cut are right on the money...I've only been an alum for a couple years, but I remember how difficult it was to remember each girl I talked to when there were up to 12 parties each day and I might've talked to three each time. That's 36 girls! It gets easier as the week goes on because the number of girls you meet is less, but I think that's one reason why a lot of rushees might be cut early on. There's just too many out there, and if you don't make an impression, you won't be remembered as well. I really hope things work out for all the daughters whose moms are posting here!

Not a mom but a story I have to share happened a year ago. We had a wonderful PNM that was a legacy to another GLO on campus. Her mom was really pushing her to go to her former house. She preffed both houses & finally chose to go to Sigma Kappa b/c she just felt more at home w/us. The hardest thing after she received her bid was watching her cry as she called her mom b/c her mom was not supportive of her decision to stay w/us. To this day, I know her mom is still unhappy w/the decision.

Some recruitment processes allow houses to do lots of cuts the first day, vs later in the week. If she were at a different school, she just might feel the disappointment later on, which can actually be worse because you get your hopes and almost feel "lead on".

When I was a Rho Chi, there was a woman in my rush group who was cut from 12 of 14 houses on the first day of recruitment. Theta was one of the two sororities she had left, and it was a top 3 choice for most rushees that year with 90% return rates. She ended up being a Theta, much to the jealousy of many other people in our rush group. And she didn't care that she was cut early on, because she still ended up where she was supposed to be. It just made her decision on pref night a whole lot easier. I know it hurts to watch her get cut, but trust and be supportive that it will all work out in the end.

It's so hard when people are cut by a lot of houses in the beginning... my heart goes out to you and your daughter. It was hard for me as a rushee to be cut by a lot of the "big Southern houses" at UGA (I grew up in Boston, MA, so I didn't really know much about rush at SEC schools)... however, after the initial really tough cut (I had 9 invites out of 18 houses on campus), I was able to really focus on the houses I was going to and choose the best house for me out of that group (which happened to be my favorite overall). I hope your daughter will find home at one of the houses she was invited back to.

Well, I just talked with my daughter. Out of the three, she received one invitation-- I am so glad she had at least somewhere to go today- How did UofARazorback's daughter fair?Maybe this one is the house for her or she will choose to wait-- It is hard as a mom-- I hope she isn't afraid of disappointing me-- I keep reminding her how proud we are of her-- Thanks for all the enlightening stories- Hoping she gets invited back for pref. night-- it is such a neat experience!!

it sounds like your daughter is really taking things in stride. i will keep my fingers crossed that she gets a pref invite!

weird question-- or did I goof: What exactly is a legacy? My sister (also an AxiD, but from Iowa) and I were discussing everything- Our grandmother was a Chi O-- but on the Recruitment registration form, it said only one generation- My sister said that when she talked to some of her friends, they indicated that even a niece is a legacy?? Since my house and my mom's house (phi mu) aren't at Iowa State, I didn't list any-- My sister and I are curious-- She finds this all interesting because she was both a rho chi and a rush chairman--

Not a weird question at all.

Some groups consider only mothers & sisters.

Others will consider grandmothers, aunts, cousins, etc.

It varies from group to group.

Most GLO's consider a legacy to be someone with one of the following relatives as a member of the GLO: Sister, Mother, Grandmother, Step-sister, Step-Mother ... aunts and cousins usually aren't considered legacy relationships.

Sounds like your daughter is a Chi-O legacy to me. Is there a Chi-O chapter at that school???


On a more personal note ... reading this thread is making me take a step back on how I'm positioning the greek experience for my step-daughter who is a highschool senior this year. I want to make sure I'm not setting her up to feel bad if things don't work out for her especially when I'm so hard core with my continued involvement in my GLO. Thanks for letting us peek in the window of your experience. Very educational.

Best of luck!

Geez, y'all moms have me anxious, and I won't have my little legacy until November!

oldrusheewoman, the others have told you the more technical side of legacies...I'll tell you at my chapter, NOT a huge school, we were excited to see any type of ties with our GLO. While most groups have their 'technicalities', I personally believe any sort of connection is really cool!

The following chapters are at Iowa State:
Alpha Chi Omega
Alpha Delta Pi
Alpha Gamma Delta
Alpha Omicron Pi
Alpha Sigma Kappa (Engineering/Science sorority--unhoused)
Chi Omega
Delta Delta Delta
Delta Zeta
Gamma Phi Beta
Kappa Alpha Theta
Kappa Delta
Kappa Kappa Gamma
Phi Beta Chi (Lutheran sorority--unhoused)
Pi Beta Phi
Sigma Kappa

Depending on Chi Omega's legacy policy, she may very well be considered a legacy, but at this point, it's really too late. Legacies are important at Iowa State, but personal interaction with chapter members is just as important, if not moreso.

You also mentioned that your sister (and you or did I miss understand that) were Alpha Xi's. Our legacy policy includes nieces. So, even though their is no chapter their, your daughter would be an AZD legacy through her Aunt.

Both my sister and I were AxiD's-- the neatest thing was my sister came from Iowa to Iowa State for my activation ceremony-- really special!!!

I don't know how AxiD's Rec Sheet looks, but we ask for ALL sorority ties, not just our own. I've filled them out, mentioning a mother, sisters, and cousins in a total of 9 different sororities!! We can list (I forget the exact terminology, which may be just as well) people who are important to the PNM who are greek, also.

My thought is that, knowing that there are Greeks in the family makes a PNM more likely to "stick it out" throughout recruitment and school.

Obviously I messed up-- but hope other moms and other ladies considering recruitment have gained some good advice about legacies-- thanks--

Also to gogoaphi, I really believe that just talking with your step-daughter, reminding her to be herself, and using good resources (like this forum) will help her (and you) be prepared!! I had looked up some websites, but unfortunately didn't find this one until after I sent my daughter off--

oldrusheenowmom (neat name by the way): my fingers are crossed so hard for your daughter, that I'm losing circulation! I'm impressed that she's hanging in there - it would be so easy to bow out. Keep telling her how proud you are of her. I saved all the e-mails and IM's from that time (actually from the whole year -I'm making a "secret" scrapbook that I'm going to try and do for all four years) to show my daughter at some later point.

Not all girls sail through rush and sometimes the hard knocks are the ones that make a person stronger. I kept telling my daughter that everything happens for a reason and that obviously god has some different plan for her. I hope that my words come true especially when she rushes again in February (they have 2nd semester rush) when it will be my turn to toss and turn and worry and fret and I'll be asking for everyone's good thoughts then.

In the meantime, I truly hope that however this turns out (and I hope it's a place in a house) that your daughter is happy and accepting of the outcome.

And you didn't mess up!!! You did the best you could and tried to help as best as you could. There was no way you could have known this would happen. I know I didn't - I was as in shock as my daughter. I also questioned myself - did I give bad advice about what to wear? about how to present herself? I constantly urged her to not overlook any group because it was all about a good fit. But did I forget to tell her to let her know how much she liked a sorority? Over and over the questions went around in my head. In the end, I really think it came down to what several posters above said: she didn't really know a lot of the girls in the houses before hand and I think she got lost in the shuffle that way.

She knows so many more now and hopefully that will help when it's time to rush.

But don't beat yourself up - you sound like you're handling it great.

Also, please remind your daughter that there are snap bids (these are chapters that don't make quota through matching, but the PNM will be called and offered a bid immediately afterwards - no one knows if she's a snap bid other than she!), and then also COB.

Recruitment does NOT stop on Bid Day!!

My sister (who is also a Kappa from Iowa State) is four years older than me and surprised me at my initiation. It's one of my favorite Kappa memories. :)

Each GLO has its own definition of legacy...

According to the Chi Omega national web site only daughters and sisters of initiated members are considered by Chi Omega as legacies.

On the other hand, Alpha Xi Delta's legacy policy was recently amended to include nieces, as well as daughters, sisters, and granddaughters.

Here's hoping that it all works out for your daughter.

BTW ... drop over to the Alpha Xi Delta forum and introduce yourself ... its always good to have another sister on the board!!