wedding Etiquette Question
 

I didn't want to hijack an unrelated thread.

I am going to a wedding with the new Mr. Pi Phi in 2 weeks. A very good buddy of his is getting married. I have never met his friend before.

Mr. Pi Phi is giving cash as a gift, but I am wondering what the proper etiquette for me is? Do I give a gift of cash myself, and if so, how much? Do I contribute to the cash gift from Mr. Pi Phi or do I even have to give a gift?

Help?

I would say that you since you don't know the couple, you should just put in cash and go in with your boyfriend's gift.

I'd say contribute to Mr. Pi Phi's gift. It's what I'm gonna do when Mr JenMarie's friends are getting married this fall.

The gift is Mr. Pi Phi's responsibility, not yours. You don't even know the people, so I don't think there is any reason for you to contribute.

You shouldn't have to contribute. Are you specifically invited by name? If you are it might not be a bad idea to contribute a bit (since they're paying for you to be at the wedding), but you shouldn't feel guilty at all for not contributing.

I would agree and would add that as you are coming as Mr. Pi Phi's guest (I'm assuming the invitation to him was to "Mr. Pi PHi and guest"), he should add your name to the card on his gift.

Sidebar: Am I the only one who thinks cash is a very strange wedding gift? Maybe I'm showing my age or some regionalism, but I've really never heard of such a thing, except for large cash gifts from family (parents, grandparents) or pseudo-family (godparents, figurative "aunts" and "uncles," etc.).

Not criticizing at all; just asking.

No, I was not invited by name. Originally, Mr. Pi Phi was going to go stag, but then we started dating. Mr. Pi Phi asked his buddy if it would be alright if I came to the wedding. His buddy said it was cool, but I kind of feel like I am now putting this couple out. Should I still give something. If so, how much would be appropriate?

I think cash is starting to be accepted as the norm for a wedding gift. My friend got married last year and I gave her and her husband cash as a wedding gift. However, in her case there was a good reason. I asked her what she needed or wanted as a gift and she said she didn't need anything. Her and her husband had already been lving together for 2 years, so many of the standard wedding gifts were already items that they had. Since they didn't need anything, cash was the next best thing.

It depends on the couple. When my dad's best friend's daughter got married, she and her husband lived together for several years before getting married, so they didn't need a lot of stuff for the house. A lot of people just got them cash so that they could use it for whatever they needed. I don't think they even did a registry.

Depends - some couples don't have much of a registry, and in that case I could see where it would be hard to pick a present that they would like and cash would be a good option. Also, if most of the items have been bought from their registry, money works well.

Having just gotten married, I have to say that cash is an excellent gift, whether for completing a registry or for starting joint savings accounts.

ETA: As far as giving a present, again you shouldn't feel obligated to, especially if you weren't invited by name. As was suggested, maybe you can just sign the card and join in giving good wishes (as opposed to a gift on your own).

When Pat and I started dating, not long after his good friend was getting married. In the typical fashion of males, he gave ilttle or not thought to wedding gifts. I ended up having one of my one-of-a-kind polaroid image transfers on watercolor paper framed and glassed and wrapped up for their new house...I didn't know them really well but they always say how everyone likes that picture and it is in their entry way.

But I think in this instance, a contribution of cash (20 or 30 I'd say?) would be better, since you guys haven't been dating for a really long time.

No.

Cash is considered an approrpiate gift in some cultures. My cousin, who will be getting married in November isn't expecting actual gifts from older relatives and friends of relatives. She and her fiance are probably only going to get lai-see (lucky money in red envelopes). She is also registering.

This is what I was thinking... maybe like $25 or something.

As far as cash goes: It seems a little weird for a couple that has a full registry at 3 different places. However, I have a friend getting married in the fall. They have all the basics you could ever need because his fiance had a TON of stuff from college that she never used. However, they are planning on moving out of the state so cash seems like a more viable option then buying them yet ANOTHER set of pots and pans.

I do find giving gift certificates a little strange though. I had people buy Macy's GCs for weddings and always thought it was a cop out for being unprepared.

One of my friends is getting married in November, and she's registered at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. She and her fiance registered for a bunch of gift certificates in several denominations, so that they can use them to buy the stuff they registered for but didn't get.

See that's a little different. They actually wanted them. These people were coming in a buying them because the wedding was in two days and were too lazy to look up their registry.

Cash a weird gift? Wow!

My father always gives cash as a gift. I asked my mom how come she didn't get something off the registry and she said "Well, if they want something off there that bad they can use the cash!".

Okay..
I try to give a gift off the registry but sometimes I opt for the cash route too.

On a side note- My brother got married three years ago and I think in total he got about $6K in cash/checks/etc. Seeing as how there were only like 200 people invited that was A LOT. But they didn't get a ton off their registry. So I guess that is why.

Cash is a very common gift around here. I'd say about half of the guests gave cash when my husband and I got married. I got lots of practice signing my new name, endorsing all those checks. :p

We tend to give actual gifts, though, not cash. Actual gifts seem more personal to me than just dashing off a check.

Anyway... I'd say, contribute to Mr. Pi Phi's cash gift, and have both your names signed on the card.

Thanks to you and everyone else for the responses.

Like I said, I wasn't asking to be critical -- it's interesting how customs can vary so much.

In my experience, cash is pretty much unheard of. One person -- an old family friend (who, perhaps notably, lived in another part of the country) -- gave us a large check when we got married, but otherwise no cash. I've never known of it being done around here otherwise, and I have the sense that many if not most people in these parts would consider cash a strange if not inappropriate wedding gift.

Of course, seated-meal receptions are also somewhat unusual around here. ;)

Around here the general rule seems to be gifts for engagement parties and showers but cash is the norm for the actual wedding.

As for chipping in toward the gift unless you were invited because you are also friends with the couple getting married its not your responsibity. He should give more cash or a nicer gift though because he is bringing a guest. It costs more money for the couple to have more people there and if you're not particularly close friends with then you're going more for him then for them.

I could be very wrong here, but when you go out with Mr. Pi Phi, do you pay for things? The way I see it, if he invites you to a wedding of his friends, he takes care of the gift. If I invite a guy to be my date to the wedding of my friends, I expect to pay for the gift.

Those were kind of my thoughts............

I'm pretty sure Mr. Pi Phi would tell me not to worry about it. I just wanted to know what the proper etiquette was. I also, don't want to look cheap, and I also feel bad, as my coming to the wedding was last minute notice for the couple. However, Mr. Pi Phi did receive the OK from the groom, that my coming was not a problem.

I get it! Offering to help is always appreciated! Enjoy!

Re: wedding Etiquette Question
 

Offer your body?

-Rudey

Ditto, and it has been this way for my whole life. I was pretty surprised to get a few actual gifts at the wedding and they were all pretty hideous on top of it.

Showers are for gifts, weddings are for cash in the Metro Detroit area.

(How in the world do you get all those gifts home on your wedding night? Just a practical/logistical question)

Technically, wedding gifts are to be sent or taken to the home of the bride and/or groom prior to the wedding. When I got married, I had most of my thank you notes written prior to the actual ceremony.

Em~
Give them good chocolate, mmm crunchies!

If you think you should chip in on cash, or buy a gift, do so. However, if it was me I'd check the registry for a small item, or give them a card with perhaps a gift certificate/card enclosed to a restaurant and perhaps movie passes so they have a date night. My usual standby for weddings I attend where I am not close to the couple is a picture frame. With all those wedding and honeymoon photos it will likely be used.

I agree completely. If you weren't on the original guest list by NAME, they won't have your address for the thank you letter. Of course they can get it from Mr. Pi Phi, but still.... If I gave cash, I would almost feel like I was "paying" for my plate at the reception. That's just me though.

However, I try and keep a couple of simple, classic gifts on hand for just this type of occasion. Or if I've forgotten to get something off the registry. Tiffany has several things that are quite reasonably priced and classic. Something that most brides would be pleased to receive.

Example: http://www.tiffany.com/shopping/item...0-p+1-r+97-x+&

You are truly so Southern. :D

And where I'm from, gifts were sent to the bride's house (her parent's house technically), where they were displayed. Anyone who came over prior to the wedding was invited to see the gifts. Oohs and aahs were expected.

My big sis did have a shower for gifts... but holy cow there were a TON of presents at her wedding. I brought mine to the wedding itself because I couldn't make the shower. I think they were all going home with her parents for the night.

I didn't even realize that this wasn't the norm until afterwards! *blush* And yes, we did display everything! :)

I remember being a kid and the bride and groom used to open their presents in front of everyone at the reception... does anyone else remember this?
Everyone oohed and aahed and clapped.
It was a lot of fun!

If you were not specifically invited, whoever is bringing you is responsible for the gift.

I wish people had brought our gifts over before the ceremony. I had time to write the notes then. I'm still finishing them now because we had so many at the wedding and I'm trying to catch up :(

We wrote our thank-you cards on the plane on the way to our honeymoon.

We had a spreadsheet (what? I'm a computer geek :p ) with all our guests' names and addresses. As we opened gifts, we filled in what each guest or couple had given. We then printed it out and threw it into one of our carry-on bags along with several packages of thank-you cards. While we were in flight, we wrote out the cards and envelopes.

</hijack>

We actually did the same thing - it worked out great when we were checking off thank-you notes.

Also, one of the registries kept a list of who bought what and what their addresses were. If we weren't as organized, that would have helped.

Oh, we've got the spreadsheet :) There was just a little while where the harddrive crashed before we could print it so it causd a huge delay.. I'm aiming to have them done by next week!

</hijack>

I've been to several weddings where there is a pseudo buste at the reception but nothing full on with a la borsa or anything like that.

/edit: A buste is when the bride receives cash filled envelopes from the wedding guests and traditionally they are placed in la borsa (bag).

I actually had this situation a couple of weeks ago. I simply signed my name to the card but didn't contribute. I got the bride something little--you know how brides always like those special gifts. My big sister introduced me to this trend when she got married. She actually got a take-out box menu holder--you have no idea how cool it was(okay im kinda cheesy).I actually got the bride and groom little beanie babies that were bride and groom. She wrote me a nice thank you note saying that they put them in their photo box next to their invitations. Good luck!

If you aren't invited by name, then your date is responsible for the gift. I signed my date's name on the card at the last wedding.

As far as giving money as a gift, its all I've ever known to do. I got called a North Jersey Snob at one sister's wedding because myself and another person from North Jersey were the only 2 people who gave money.

I was also always lead to believe you give money in the amount you believe your dinner is worth, typically $50 per person. Naturally, if its black tie you are supposed to give more than an afternoon buffet.