He's already got a girl.
 

Question would you date a guy if you knew he already had a girl?

Would it make a difference if ya'll were friends first?

Well here's the situation...Ya'll have been friends for the past six months or so...email and call each other. Then you finally go out one day. It was supposed to be as friends but ended up being something entirely different, the feelings were as "friendlier" than they should have been. Sort of that movie "Love Song" that came on with Monica on MTV this weekend (except no Jungle Fever.)

Sometimes things just happen, but no I would not date a guy if I knew he had a girl. I am just really set in my ways that cheating in all forms is wrong. However, if you do go out and learn that you have feelings for each other, then that is a sign to the guy that something in his relationship is not right, and maybe he should look into that. I am a psychology major in school, so I tend to be long winded at times. So forgive me.

Sigma love
Esperho
Fall '99

I agree with EspeRHO. If he'll cheat on her, he'll cheat on you.

Okay so what exactly is your definiton of cheating?

And does it matter if when we met he was contemplating breaking up with her...But being the friend that you are to him...You tell him they should work it out.

The way I see it is if he cheated on her doesn't mean he'll cheat on you because they had to be an obvious reason why he cheated in the first place. Trust me I've been the one that has cheated and has been cheated on and both situations it worked out for the best.

But if a guy cheated would you be willing to take him back?

Cheating to me is paying attention to any girl that is not ME in a way that exceeds friendship, such as going out on dates, kissing, etc. And if he was contemplating a break up then he needs to work on that then he can come see me. And I agree with you, people do cheat for different reasons, but when you get a third party involved in a relationship the complications sometimes get to be too much. And no I would not take a guy back he cheated on me, because I would never be able to forget what he had done. I hope I didn't sound harsh, if I did I apoligize, it's just that it's hard for me to justify cheating.

Sigma Love
EspeRHO
fall '00

THAT AINT ALWAYS TRUE! You might have sumpin' she aint got...like honesty, intelligence, a personality, etc. Maybe she nags, but you don't. Many times yall think a man is still with his known woman when it's been over for weeks. Just because he's seen talking civil with her don't mean it's still on.

I probably do have sumpin' that she don't. I'm not disputing that. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif But I think he needs to break up with her first, then he can get with me. Otherwise, we are going to have trust issues. Just speaking for myself here.

And no, I wouldn't take any guy back that cheated on me. I don't know too many that would take me back if I cheated on them either.

Ok, Imight make a few enemies here, but I have a good/best friend who is a man and is now my boyfriend.

A year ago he ahd a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, we were really both at "the end" of those relationships and one day we just became more than just friend-friends. I did not andhe did not sit out to make this hapopen. i didd not and he did not say I'm going to try to get with her/him even thought I know they got someone. It really just happened because we were already such great friends. We did not continue to cheat on our mates, however, we did end those relationships and I think that is most important, because you do not need to pull yourslef in two directions with two didffernet people you can not love two people, the same way you can not have two gods because you will ove one and hate thre other.

But to get back to your question, if you are going to pursue a relationship then pursue, but do not let him have two relationships....and I don't want it to seem like I'nm saying go say"it's me or here" but if you are truly friends then discuss what happened and see what you want to happen and go from there, but a desicion has to be made. And if he wants her, then don't go after him becaus that is completely differentand that's chasing another womens man.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!Finally someone that understands what I'm getting at. We've been friends for almost half a year...he has a girl and I had a friend (nothing serious on my part.) And then one day I realized this guy is great. I can talk to him about anything. It's just that if he breaks up with his girl, I know he's going to need time by himself. For one, I understand if he cheated on her, there had to be a solid reason why and he has to find that within himself in order to start something new.

I know there's a possibility it might not work out between us, we're just friends with some feelings there.

But we're going to take things slow and not rush into them. It's just in the back of my mind I keep thinking "What's so Different by Ginuwine...If he did it to her why wouldn't he do it to me." And then on the otherhand I find myself thinking about him in a not-so-friendly-matter. Not trying to quote a theme song but it's truth..."You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life. There's a time you got to go and show You're growin' now you know about
The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life.
When the world never seems
to be livin up to your dreams
And suddenly you're finding out
the Facts of Life are all about you, you.
It takes a lot to get 'em right
When you're learning the Facts of Life. (learning the Facts of Life)
Learning the Facts of Life (learning the Facts of Life)
Learning the Facts of Life.

(I'm sorry but I love the Facts of Life and I never really understood what that song meant until I got much older and went through a lot of life-growing experiences.)

I'm 'bout to start a fire heah!
I noticed that most of yall see no acceptable reason to cheat; and ALL CHEATING IS WRONG. I hope when yall experience the other possibilities, you'll be women enuff to share it with people you care about. Sometimes in life, the wrong thing is the right thing to do for that situation. Know what I mean? All events in life are NOT ABSOLUTE; they don't have a standard pattern for EVERY HUMAN BEING, with a clear explanation.

I'll stop here to see if yall will think about what I'M TRYING TO SAY.

Quess what...You trying to start a fire...Well I'll bring the match. I'm seriously feeling you.

Like I stated earlier I understand both sides of this situation. I've been cheated on and I've been the one that cheated.

From my point of view cheating can lead to one of two things: a stronger relatioship(somebody cheated for an obvious reason, whether it was temptation/lust or because their needs weren't being met) or option two a break-up(a person cheated because their needs weren't being met and they found them elsewhere or any other various reasons.)

I'm agreeing with you Ape. Sometimes cheating just happens. That's why I'm really feeling Donnell Jones "where I wanna be." I would really respect a guy more if he told me off top that he was having thoughts of deception, rather than lead me on while "cutting" something on the side.

I'm saying 'shyt' happens sometimes. And face it everybody has cheated at least once. It's all apart of life.

I like it when people keep it real!

I am 26 years old and have never cheated on anybody. http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/smile.gif

I have wanted to on MANY occations. Just haven't actualy done it. I guess I am just too damn trustworthy.

Well I'm 22 and I'm realistic to know that everyone has their own definiton of cheating. You say you've never cheated huh...but can you say from his(or hers know days you don't what a persons sexual preference is)perspective you've never cheated.

Some people say cheating is looking at someone else in a lustful way. Some people don't count it as cheating unless you act on that lust. Personally, I think cheating is when you have any type of deception in your mind whether you act on it(being 'bout it bout it') or not(fantasy in your mind.)

Anyways like I said before everybody has cheated at least once in their life. And I found it hard to believe if you haven't.

I mean what do you do break up with the person if you feel the need to be unfaithful or you've just never felt that need? I'm saying when you were younger like 17 or 20 you've never cheated?

And about trustworthy...whateva yo. Sounds more like a doormat to me.

Midwestdiva:

I'm with you! I am 24 and never cheated on my man.... If I'm not happy, I'll just leave. I wont stay and cheat, whats the point?

But back to the question though, I once dated someone who had a girl. I knew it was wrong (cause I would not want a woman seeing my man and she KNEW about me) but my mentality at the time was "I dont have any loyalties to her, so if he doesnt care then why should I?"

Now that I have a few more years behind me and know what I really want out of a relationship, I wouldnt do it again. If your male friend is thinking about breaking up with his girl THEN HE NEEDS DO IT!!! And no matter how we try to justify it (what if we we're friends first... what if he's THINKING of breaking up with her...), cheating is wrong. It's damaging to all parties involved. Finish the last chapter completely before moving on to then next book.....

And would I take a man back that's cheated on me......HELL NO! Sorry, but I love myself toooo much (and there are too many GOOD MEN out there) to put up with anyone's crap, emotional abuse, or what-have-you - not to mention possibly catching diseases...

That's just my personal opinion.

[This message has been edited by prettypoodle6 (edited December 07, 2000).]

Aight check it...Number one "People in glass houses shouldn't thow stones." Meaning you already said you've talked to a guy knowing he had a girl.

Number two, by saying we were friends first and by saying they're going to break up was for conversational purposes only. But people didn't really feedback on that...Just spent a majority of the time talking about how they never cheated. Which I find incomprehensible.

Number three, by talking to a guy that you knew had a girl...yes you've cheated. You cheated on yourself.

I tell you what some broads kill me. Trying to justify things knowing that they've been through it themselves. I know that as you get older you get wiser, but sometimes people lose touch with reality(gullible.)

Pretty Squeaky,

I think it would serve you to learn tact.

At any rate, I am not interested in playing games. In my opinion, if there is no trust in a relationship, there may as well be no relationship. Trust is a 2 way street; if I expect him to be trustworthy, then I should also be trustworthy. I don't know how you equate trustworthiness with being a doormat, but I'll move on.

I understand that young people tend to act impulsively. When I was younger, I would break up with someone just because I saw something that I thought looked better. But now that I am older it really is time to put childish things away. When thoughts of cheating cross my mind, it's time for me to reevaluate the relationship. Why do I want to cheat? Is my man not satisfying me sexually? Do we not have common interests? How much time have I invested in the relationship? Is a roll in the hay with some other guy worth losing the one I have? Is this relationship making me miserable? Is my man Mr. Right, or just Mr. Right Now?

Cheating on my man isn't going to solve any of the above mentioned problems. If he finds out about it, our problems will only get worse. The only way to solve those problems is to address them. If the problems can't be resolved then it is probably best to move on.

And on a final note, I can't tell you how many married or otherwise unavailable men approach me. They always have some justification for their actions. But the bottom line is there is no reason to cheat. There are however, many excuses.

I've noticed you have a serious problem when people voice there opinions that's different from yours.

That's a place to be tactful and this isn't the place-this a place of freedom of expression, a message board. You need to seriously chill.

And if the term broad offended anybody. I'm from the dirty south and I'm not going to apologize for my slang termniology and like I said "some broads." So if the shoe fits.

And so basically from your last post I see that you've cheated. You justified it by breaking up with the guy first. And on that note I'm out. Whateva yo.

I don't have a "problem" when people disagree with me. I like to debate, so therefore I need people to disagree with me. There is a certain Que that disagrees with everything I say, but he is ALWAYS tactful.

And you aren't the only one that has noticed things.

I noticed that a certain thread was removed in the A Phi A forum when you decided to educate an Alpha interest that Sigma Pi Phi was really the first BGLO. I wonder why that thread disappeared? http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/redface.gif

I also noticed that certain interests in the Ladies Seeking Sisterhood forum mentioned that they had been pursuing membership for 10 years. You response was this:

"Ten years. Have you been in school that long?......To me it just seems like you're sitting back waiting for something to be handed to you without getting out there and working for yourself." http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/eek.gif Then they both very tactfully explained to you that seeking membership on the graduate level can be very difficult. Especially for one sorority in particular.

Suggesting that someone you don't even know is sitting on their butt? Hell, that goes beyond tactlessness, that was downright rude. Mind you neither of these examples has anything to do with me as I have not been trying to gain membership for 10 years and I am not an Alpha.

I'm not suggesting that you learn tact to spare my feelings, as my feelings aren't hurt. Professionally speaking, learning how to be tactful will help you a lot.

Have a great day http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching." (Satchel Paige)

and trust me I'm always having a great day. By the way your little comment about a que that's always tact...well that was irrelevant. You could have said someone not a que. Because he's a que that makes it better huh? I seriously don't have time to "debate" this topic of tact back in forth with you. Because from the messages you posted so far you contradict yourself.

And on that note I'm through with the tact discussion...You can email me personally rather than waste the board's space.


[This message has been edited by PrettySqueaky (edited December 08, 2000).]

LOL http://www.greekchat.com/forums/ubb/biggrin.gif All of this smart talk from someone who has an epiphany while watching the Facts of Life. May wonders never cease.

MIDWESTDIVA and prettypoodle6, you two are speaking the truth, and I have respect for you. I am a 21 year old woman who has never cheated on anyone, I would rather walk away from the relationship, then to cause unnecessary pain, and I know how to keep it real, cause if you were keeping it real one would not be cheating in the first place.

When I started my message, I said I never cheated on MY MAN, and that's real!

Now as far as cheating on myself, well I guess we have different ideas of cheating. I didnt cheat ON myself by talking to someone that already has a girl, but I will agree that I cheated MYSELF by settling for second best.

Now your OG question was "would you date a guy if you knew he already had a girl?" I put my situation on blast not to try to JUSTIFY anything - but to say "been there, done that, and will NEVER do it again".

From reading your posts, I get the sense that YOU are the one thats looking for justification for what you are involved (or about to be involved) in. You put the question out there... so you cant get mad when folks dont give you the response your looking for.......