Case of the Ex
 

Alright, this is my situation. Ever since a couple weeks ago, when my ex saw me at church, he's been blowing up my cell phone NONSTOP. This bothers me for 2 reasons: 1) I never gave him that number he got my best friend to give it to him and he's still using it even though she told him I got mad at her for giving out my number without my permission. 2) Although, we've maintained a distant e-mail friendship, we really aren't tight like that anymore. What we had was really special (we were friends first) but in my eyes, it's over now. I know he's lonely b/c he doesn't have that many friends, and since his grandmother died he's been going through a hard time. I don't want to be completely heartless, but our personalities just don't click together anymore and I get really annoyed to see him on my caller id so often. We broke up because he attached himself to me like a parasite (think "Bug-a-Boo" by Destiny's Child, that's how bad it got) and he's starting to do that again. I want to be there for him, but I know him--if you reach out just a little, he will wrap himself around you until you suffocate. How can I ease him off my back without coming off as cold?

You really can't. Change your number.

Tell him your sexy new boyfriend is getting upset that your ex is calling you so frequently. This is for his protection -- if he doesn't stop calling, he might get his butt whooped!

You need to cut ties altogether. No calls, no emails, nothing. I knew a guy like this once. We dated for like a second but I didn't like him the way he liked me and he turned into a psycho-stalker. My calling and emailing him on occasion because I felt bad for him only made him pursue me more.

Christiangirl, next time you're in church tell him you have a pet liger and don't want to have sex with him anymore.

-Rudey

Tell him you're now a lesbian.

LOL, GUYS!!! Come on, you guys are too much, I'm serious! I don't know, I want to just sever ties altogether, but...*deep sigh* it's difficult. When we were together, he was REALLY depressed (wish I'd known that beforehand) and he said a lot to imply that he'd hurt himself if we broke up (What the hell else could, "I refuse to go on living without you" mean?!). It was a lot of drama, talking to the pastor before I broke up with him, to make sure someone could look out for him. Now, with his grandmother gone, he's 10x worse. He can get really scary if I let this go on too long, but I don't know how to break this off without him snapping. Whatever I do, I need to do it fast. I can't lie to him, too many people at church are in my business, somebody would blurt out the truth to him.

NO, you definitly need to sever ties completely. He needs help, and you're not the one who can give it to him. He's obviously in need of a professional. This is not healthy and there is nothing you can do for him and staying with him will only make it worse on you because he knows he can manipulate you.

Do it right now. Change you're cell phone #, delete any emails from him. If you have a land line, don't take any of his calls.

I agree. You can't help him with this one. He needs a professional. Break ups are hard on everyone but he needs the help of someone other than you to get over it. Your own mental health is at stake here.

Remember the movie Fatal Attractions.

And what do I do when I see him every Sunday?

Ignoring works wonders.

Yes, don't even acknowledge him.

Alert your pastor and walk away. Don't return calls or emails. If he threatens you personally, go to the police.

His problems are not your problems, and your continuing to be his crutch does not help him.

Move on. While you may feel you are being cruel, this is the right thing to do -- sometimes you have to push the baby bird out of the nest in order for him to spread his wings and learn to fly.

Co-sign to all 3 above.

Ignore him. Tell your pastor what the problem his. If he sits next to you. Get up and move away. If he tries to talk to you. Ignore him and walk away.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking and what you think you "might" be doing to him. He needs help and if he and the people around him can't see that, that's not your problem.

I think this is excellent advice. I had dinner with my family and their Pastor over the weekend. She was talking about a mentally ill parishoner who attends church services and causes chaos for the other attendees. It is a tough situation because they feel they need to tolerate this guys behavior, even though he is a threat to the entire "church community". That is not the case though. 911 exists for a reason in cases like these. I am not a religious person, so I do not mean to offend, but you are not doing this person any good by tolerating his behavior. That has nothing to do with God or any kind of religion. I am also a Social Worker and I work with the severe mentally ill. One of our cases was referred by a churchgroup because of her behavior and she actually has gotten better now because she was able to get the help she needs. I know that this may not apply directly to your situation, but often people who have mental health issues also are preoccupied with church and religion, and will manipulate people at their church to avoid getting the help they need.

Thanks, guys. It sounds really cold, you're right, but dude needs boundaries. I was going to call him back this week, but...never mind. It will only do more harm than good. I can't always be the heroine in the scenario. My other friends are going to put me down b/c they told me to be there for him since I'm the only one he wants, but if I don't want him, there's no point. They'll get over it and so will he (I hope).

What's up with your friends trying to push you on to this dude? Sounds like you may need to practice the same behavior on them ;).

Oh, because we're all friends together. Actually my best friend (who gave him my number) is his best friend. He tells her all the time how good I make him feel, but when he started creeping me out, I kept it to myself, not putting our business out there. So to her, it's one-sided, no one except the pastor (who has relocated to Kansas) knew what was really going on. Since this is the first time she's hearing about this, she doesn't know what it used to be like so she can't see why I'm worried.

You are probably a really nice average girl and all . . . but . . .

I think you like the attention and are looking for ways to justify remaining in contact.

Or maybe you like the very tiny drama this is? PErhaps being able to talk to your friends about this and having them wrapped up in your problem makes you a center of attention?

Because everytime you talk to him, even by just answering, you encourage him. Even if you just pick up the phone to tell him to stop calling, you encourage him.

If he is truly suicidal, which I doubt, he is going to end his life regardless of what you do. He'll come up with some reason, like a flat tire or something.

You are way to invested in your break-up. You are broken up, its over, move on. You guys are broken up and you are still talking to him, talking about him, and writing about him. Thats uhm . . . well maybe not insane, but certainly not the actions of someone really trying to move on with their life.

Honestly, like winneythepooh said, just avoid contact. ITs virtually impossible for someone to reach you if you are actively trying to avoid contact.

Re: Case of the Ex
 

No disrespect but that didn't really make any sense. Our relationship is not the reason I'm talking about this now. I'm talking about my current problem, which my past relationship is the root of, there's a difference. And to say that I'm not trying to move on with my life shows that you clearly didn't read the post that started this thread:

If I was trying to keep this going, I wouldn't be asking for advice on how to stop it. I've only tried to justify our contact once, b/c the situation could become life-endangering and the only reason my friends wouldn't understand is because I've kept much of it from them, not flaunted it as you implied. And even despite all that I still said I'd stop contact with him, which I did. So, no offense, but your post strikes me as completely off-base, pointless, and a bit offensive (as you basically called me a self-absorbed drama queen who likes having guys threaten my life and theirs).

It's OK...James just likes to stir things up. :p

There's no reason you should have to put up with this. I can understand if you feel like you need to "be there" for him because he's having a hard time, but I think in this case it would just be opening a can of worms. Even if your friends think you're being heartless, you really need to cut this guy off. But yes, talk to your paster, or somebody, about what's going on--maybe someone can help the poor dude.

Thanks, I'm making progress. Well, at least I'm not so indecisive. I'm still not sure of what I'll do when I see him in person, he's not the type to go away when ignored (he'll just follow me till I say something). I don't know what I'll say to him if that happens, but I've stopped returning his calls, and that's a start. And I haven't from him in some days, that's good. Thanks everyone, it's a huge relief to actually have a plan.