Am I overreacting?
 

Ok, wise people of GC -- I need advice and opinions. This is probably only the 2nd time ever I've posted anything like this.

My best friend from HS is getting married next month. Aleathia and I were as close as can be since 9th grade and remained that way well into her first few years at UNLV. Though we became "not as close" during college (as she was there and I was at UHM), we were still friends who kept in touch. I'd often travel to Las Vegas....not to gamble, not to shop...but to visit Aleathia and her BF Mike. She was my first ever friend in HS, our parents are good friends, and we're even distant relatives.

Keep in mind that I was the one who introduced Aleathia to Mike at a HS dance in 1996, counseled the both of them when they broke up for the first and second time, kicked both their asses when they tried to stray, etc. You get the point. He never confided in our other friends. Just me.

Enter Ronna and Evelyn. Ron and Ev were part of our little HS "clique". We were all friends, but Aleathia and I often thought that they thought that they were better than us.

Ron, Ev, and I all attended and graduated from UHM though we basically became strangers while in college. Aleathia would come home for the summers and breaks but I'd hang out with her separately and she'd hang out with them separately.

We get word that Mike finally proposed and wedding plans were under way. In the initial stages I helped her out as far as researching locations, dresses, etc (since she lives in Vegas) but never once did I ask who was going to be in her wedding party. I didn't mention it, and I assumed that it would consist of her little sister and her cousins (she's got a lot of em). I didn't think anything of it.

She and I were in touch back and forth and she often gave me word on what's been going on as far as planning went. And then today I get a MySpace comment on my page from Evelyn, who currently lives and works in Korea:

Hey Sandy! I'll be home in a month for Aleathia's wedding. I don't think you know, but Ronna and I are Aleathia's bridesmaids...just letting you know so there are no surprises.

WHAT....THE...FUCK?

I totally understand that it's Aleathia's wedding day and she has the right to choose her wedding party, but taking the above into consideration, I assumed that if I really meant something to her, she'd either a) consider me for bridesmaid or b) at LEAST explain to me the reasons why she chose Ronna and Evelyn and not me. I didn't think I'd have to find out from a fucking MySpace comment. What's italicized up there is Ev's exact comment, word for word. The "surprise" thing kinda struck me as odd...obviously THEY had discussed it and wondered what would happen when I showed up on wedding day to find out. I even went to her fucking bridal shower and no one said a WORD.

I know it seems like I'm overreacting and maybe I am, but it really does seem like it's a slap in the face times 100. This is what I'm thinking about doing -- I'm thinking I should just fucking boycott the wedding altogether and just send her a gift in the mail.

I really am happy for her and Mike because they've been through a lot, but I am even more angry that she couldn't even be honest with me.

Am I being selfish for not attending the wedding at all? At this point I could give a fuck about regretting later on that I didn't go to the wedding, but that's just plain DICK, ya know? Even my mom said flat out that even she didn't want to go now. I know I'm sounding like a sore bratty loser, but this hits home kinda hard.

If I don't go to the wedding on June 18th I'm thinking about taking a quick hop to the sunny So Cal to drink wine and bitch about men with Amy and Maria.

Sorry for the long post. I really should stop checking emails first thing in the morning because when you get bad news, it's so easy to just let it ruin the rest of your day.

I don't know if you're overreacting or not....but I would be just as upset if it were me.

*hug*

I don't think you are overreacting either. I am one of those people that if a supposed close friend did this to me, I would probably stop speaking to her on the spot and that would be that.

I would also be upset. I would address it by sitting down with her (calmly!) and saying "I thought that we were very close friends and while I am disappointed that I'm not one of your bridesmaids, I'm more disappointed that you weren't able to tell me about it directly. I thought our friendship was strong enough that we could be straight and honest with each other about something like this". And then, look on the bright side. You don't have to pay big bucks for a dress and shoes you won't wear again. You didn't have to put on a shower or a bachelorette party or invest funds into any of that. You get the same food/drinks/entertainment at the wedding that they get, without the heavy financial investment.

Obviously you need to say something to the bride. That's a pretty shitty way to find something like that out, and I'd agree with your ascertation that Ev & Aleathia had probably discussed this already.

That seems like the hurtful part (vs. Alethia just chosing her own wedding party, which you're right, she gets to do without a word from you.)

Sounds like your relationships with these people is pretty well deteriorated at this point, and I'd be tempted not to go, either. Just be careful you don't look like the Brat Who Threw A Fit When She Didn't Get To Be the Bridesmaid, b/c that's not what this is about BUT it's probably what people will be trying to paint you as. You can avoid that by telling the bride why you have a problem with the way she handled things, explaining that you don't feel comfortable attending anymore, and being sweet but distant from there on out. And send a cheap present. :)

Normally I'd say suck it up and deal with it -- she screwed up, definately, but depending on how big/traditional/how much input she's getting into this wedding, the bride might be really stressed out. Everybody has a story about the normally levelheaded friend who went off the deep end when planning her wedding.

I think your big decision here isn't about the wedding, though -- it's about if you want to continue to grow apart from these two couples, or if you want to try & mend fences for old times' sake. Sounds like you're kind of naturally growing apart as adults, and that's OK. But that makes way more of a case for not going to the wedding. Obviously not going is going to create a rift you might not be able to fix later, so if you think you might be interested in becoming closer with these folks in the near future, go to the wedding anyway.

Man...that is bullcrap! I'm not saying for sure you should have been a bridesmaid but she should have atleast come to you like an adult and talked about it. I am kinda a spiteful person so I personally wouldn't go to the wedding. But that is just me. Sorry this has put a damper on your day. Hope it gets better.

Yes, No, Maybe.:eek:

Really sucks though!:(

NO! I'd be pissed too. I know what you are going through! :(

There needs to be some discussion between the two of you because regardless of her not chosing you to be in the wedding, it was the brides place to tell you, not italicized girl.

It just seems real messy and some behind the back type s***.

You're not overreacting at all..

and Truth, Co-sign!

I don't think you are overreacting; I would be pissed as hell. HotDamn made some very good points.

I'd be livid especially since they discussed it. However, I would not tell anyone else. I wouldn't give them the pleasure of thriving on the drama. It seems to me they wanted you to be "surprised" or they would have told you in a more tactful manner. I would go and just act like the bigger person. I wouldn't help with any more of the planning, but why not go and eat their free food? Just think of it this way, when you are in the bridal party there is so much bs that you have to do -with the dress, fittings, hair, taking pictures, throwing showers, and you got lucky!

i really don't think that you're overreacting. hell, i had two REALLY good girl friends growing up and i could only have one maid of honor but i still sat down with the other and explained why she was a bridesmaid and not the maid of honor...

yep, shitty move on her part...

- marissa

Sandy hon, you're not overreacting. I would be very hurt too. As much as it pains me to say it (because I WANT you to come and drink and b***h with me and Amy), if you want to keep a relationship with these people, you should be the bigger person and go to the wedding. You would be showing a lot more class than any of them did. The choice is up to you.

No.
 

I vote to go to California. I know it is probably "more mature" to suck it up and be the "bigger person," but personally, I don't like doing things I know I won't enjoy. I am not that mean to myself.

Going to California sounds fun- get some highlights, mani/pedi, shop and live it up. I would tell her too. It would go like this, "Oh, Aleathia, I am so sorry, but I totally have a reunion that weekend with some AGD friends. Girls are flying in to CA, I would really hate to miss it." You WILL see an AGD, and it is a reunion of sorts, although you will be the only one flying. It gets out of going gracefully even if the excuse is a little transparent.

Maybe that would be hurtful to her not to go, but you know, tough. You did a lot for her; you have a right to be hurt. And not to be like the online therapist of Greekchat but Ron and Ev seem like girls that Aleathia is still trying to win approval from with the bridsmaids invite. It seems like Ron and Ev know that too and are rubbing in it with the MySpace comment. I wouldn't put myself through that.

This is part of the reason why I think the concept of bridesmaids is awful. Seriously.

You're definitely not overreacting. I think it's a slap to the face that your friendship would mean so little to her that she wouldn't have the balls to tell you herself or at least explain.
By all means don't go to the wedding if you don't feel like it. Just hang in CA, enjoy the sunny weather, & drink a margarita like I always do when I'm feeling pissy. :)
This sucks that it had to happen but at least you know where you stand in her life as far as friends go.

BTW, I agree w/polarpink that just tell her you're having a reunion with the AGD gals that weekend but wish her the very best in her life & new marriage. Just b/c you don't go doesn't mean you're not the bigger person. Why go if you're going to be bitter? Enjoy CA with your gals.

I would definitely be pissed and hurt and upset. You need to find the time to talk to Aleathia, just the two of you, and tell her directly that you were hurt to find out the other two girls are her bridesmaids; not the fact that they are, but the avenue in which it was told you -- that you had to hear it on the interweb from one of those bridesmaids, not the bride herself. To me, that's the truly ishtty part. And there is no excuse for it. She could have told you before she asked the other girls; she could have told you after she asked the other girls; she could have told you at any time, but she didn't. I've planned a wedding. I know how stressful things can be and how you can forget things because you're thinking about a million details at once, but that is something she would not forget. And it sounds as if she's talked to the other girls about it, too. (which again, is really ishtty on her part, talking to them instead of talking to you about it.) Now, honestly, I have no room to talk because I would probably have done something similar, or emailed the person about the bridal party, but that's just because I hate confrontation. But, Aleathia knows you, knows how you operate and knows that you would much prefer to hear it straight up, from her, instead of this pansy behind-the-back crap.

As far as boycotting the wedding, can you look back in 10 years and say, honestly, that you have no regrets missing your best friend's wedding, even if you're not really close friends anymore? If, in a month, you can honestly say you'll have no regrets and you haven't worked things out between Aleathia and yourself, and you still don't want to go, don't go. It's not worth forcing yourself. But if you do think you can go and genuinely be happy for the bride and groom (which you are) and not let the whole bridesmaid issue affect your attitude, then go. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with being the better person, it's what ever is going to make you happier/feel better in the end.

You know, as I get older, I have come to realize that it isn't worth it to my own sanity trying to make nice all the time anymore. Sometimes the best thing I have done to keep myself from getting all upset and crazy is to just not be "the bigger person". Also it is perfectly normal that we will grow apart from our close friends, it just happens since they change and we change. If this is going to upset you in anyway, I say fcuk her and just don't go. Hang out with your friends who actually do give a damn about you.

Seriously, I would be madder than ever before, but not going to the wedding makes YOU the bad guy. Meaning, everyone else will think you are throwing a fit. I know that sucks but this might be a time when you just have to be the grown up and be there for your friend no matter what. I know that's hard to say because I'm in a similar situation myself right now, but as ISUKappa said, don't you think you will majorly regret not being there, 10 years from now? Anyway, geez, that sucks. I'm really sorry, I hate it when friends hurt you so bad and dissapoint you like this. I hope everything works out.

gosh, i am speechless! it is unbelievable that someone would let you do all her local running around, checking out potential wedding and reception sites and all the other stuff you did, and then not even give you the courtesy of a phone call to let you know who was going to be in the wedding party. as we say in the south, "dahlin', that is just too tacky for words!"

i had a similar surprise when i was in college. one of my best friends from hs was graduating early from a nearby university and was getting married. she invited 2 of her college roommates to be in the wedding(fine with that) and also a girl from our hs a year younger than us. this girl had never been as close a friend as several others of us had been with the bride to be. just like you, i was insulted that the bride did not choose a friend that she had been closer to than bridesmaid #3, & that she did not tell any of us who she had asked. i chose to not attend the wedding because there was a sorority function that same day. i did let the bride know that due to sorority obligations i would not be able to attend. i never regretted my decision. in a twist of irony, her marriage lasted about 4 years.

i think your feelings are valid. you should decide if you can go to the wedding and feel comfortable under the circumstances. i would not care whether "tongues will wag" if you are not in attendance. it was pretty rotten that she let you do all that research for her and never even gave you a phone call to let you know who her choices were. not attending the wedding is not about being a brat-its about doing what is right for you.i vote for california. take care of yourself!!lisa

I would start by emailing Evelyn back and asking, "Why would there be any surprises?" Then take it from there.

I don't think you're overreacting -- I'd definitely be pissed. I'd probably still attend the wedding, though.

I have a solution:

1. Act like nothing is wrong between you two so you won't seem like you are throwing a hissy fit.

2. Feign sick at the last minute

3. Go to California

4. Have that margarita

5. Send a cheap present & a note saying you are sorry that you were "ill"

6. Have no regrets!

I don't think you are overreacting. I agree with Maria however, I would go to the wedding still. But I would call BOTH of these girls out on their BS. Aleathia for not being straight foward and telling you, look, I'm thinking of having Ev and Ronna be in my wedding party, and Ev for CLEARLY trying to rub salt in the wounds. A MYSPACE COMMENT, REALLY :eek: :rolleyes:

AXiD670 had a great approach. Wish I'd thought of that.

Honestly, it just sounds like you guys are growing apart and you're *not* going to miss seeing this/these couple(s) in the future. If that's not 100% the case, though, go.

I don't at all agree with this:

I like the idea of an "alternate" solution, but I don't think this one is it -- like you said, you've been running around doing half her planning, etc., so it's obvious to everyone you've known the date for awhile now. Calling "sorority obligation!" last minute just seems bitchy and immature (vs. just saying, "Sorry I can't make it," and the reason will be obvious after you talk to the bride.)

Obviously you need to do everything "right" here since there's a lot of room for people to do a smear campaign on you & make you look like the jilted wanna-be-bridesmaid.








sidenote: What's WITH all these girls getting upset over bridesmaids choices? (Sandy, excluding you -- you're clearly upset over the way the bride handled telling you, vs. her decision.) IT'S THE BRIDE AND GROOM'S WEDDING. Don't you think THEY would know better than anyone else who they're close to? And who knows what else is going into these decisions -- maybe the bride felt obligated b/c she'd been a bridesmaid to someone else. Maybe the bride felt like asking a specific bridesmaid would bring them closer. Maybe the bride couldn't choose between two women and knew one of them wouldn't make the issue into a federal case. WHO KNOWS? IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING!

On the sidenote: It's not just the bridal party - there are people who "expect" to be invited to the wedding, and then end up being truly upset when they're not. Unfortunately, there are those who think money is no object and that every person you've been friends with can be invited to the wedding; it's just not the case. Not everyone can be in the bridal party, and not everyone can be invited to the wedding. On one hand, it's nice that so many people care about the wedding; on the other, though, it causes conflict.

As for your situation Sandy - that just seems like an awful way of handling things on the bride's part. If she had no intention of having you as part of the bridal party, she should have relayed that to you when you were giving her all that help. Common sense should have told her that if someone is doing that much work, and they're not going to be a bridesmaid, she should have told that to you right away. Also, to have another bridesmaid deliver the message is weak, at best. You're upset and have a right to be upset.

You have every right to be pissed. In all of those conversations where you were helping her find places and things like that, she could have said something. For the other chick to email you and her comments make it look like they are pulling one of those petty H. S. hijinks to see how you react. Go directly to her to see what's up. Heck even talk to her fiancee since you guys are close also. Do not give them the satisfaction of seeing you hurt.

Women.

Sandy, a similar thing happened to me. I don't want to go into specific details, but I was shocked and hurt. I decided to attend the wedding, and I had fun, but the friendship was over as far as I was concerned.

I wish that I could go back in time, talk to her, and try to repair our friendship. It's one of the few regrets I have. I really miss my friend. At the time, I was too hurt to deal with it. I'm sure she had a reason for not picking me. I just wish that she had told me instead of learning it from someone else.

Sandy, I would really think long and hard before declining the wedding invitation. You need to decide if you want to remain friends with her or not. She didn't handle it well, and your feelings are valid. I think that you should talk to the bride. It might give you some peace of mind as well as salvage your friendship, if that's what you want.

Noooooooooooooooooo, you are not overreacting! I would be pitching fits right now if it were me...not only over the fact that two other girls who [from the impression I get] weren't as close with the bride were chosen as bridesmaids while you weren't, but also that no one deigned to tell you except via a snotty little email. Are you sure they're out of high school? :rolleyes:

As far as the wedding is concerned, I think you should go, because you might regret not going later. However, I would strongly encourage you to say something to the bride--your "friend"--because she really needs to know that you're upset and I think she's got some explaining to do. I realize it's up to the bride whom she chooses to be bridesmaids, but it seems really cold and ungrateful to overlook someone who's been there for her like you say you have.

Oh girl, you are sooo not over reacting!! I would not have even been able to type up all the information as nicely as you did,I would still be seething!! It sucks when a friend that you think that is close to you does something as ishitty as that!! I do have to agree with one of the past posters, it does sound like y'alls friendship has been wanning for sometime, and this was the straw to break the camels back.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have a friend that was my best friend in H.S., college and after. Now however we have been drifting apart for sometime. We are just at different points in our lifes right now and sadly even when she lived 10 mins. from me we still did not do all that much together.

I would not go to the wedding..sorry but it sounds like this girl just used you, got what she wanted and moved on without having the decency to tell you about who was in the wedding party and why she left you out. To me it sounds like you had a major hand in helping get the couple together and remain together!! And her actions clearly scream that she does not appreciate all that you have given her in the past or now.

So why should you have to go to a wedding that you don't really want to be at and try to pretend to be happy at? Sounds like a huge waste of time to me. Plus everytime you saw one of the other bridesmaids you would have to feign happiness so they would not have anything to talk about for years to come.

I think you should go to Cali and have a great time and be with people that you want to be around. Afterall, the bride decided who she wanted to be around on her day.

So sorry for the long post:D

OTW.


You are secretly in love with Aleathia.

You should go - she has to pay for your meal, right? if you don't, you'll end up saving her $50+ in wedding expenses. :D

Dude...you are both my GC soulmates right now. I'm having that problem too. I understand people want to go, but damn, I'm not made of money and neither is my fiance or my dad.:rolleyes:

Sandy- Sorry that your friend did the shady thing and didn't tell you herself. Maybe she chickensh*tted out because she was afraid what your reaction might be, I know people who do that, they suck. If you do decide to come out to CA, let's go out for drinks.:D

Thanks all for your responses. I woke up this morning and read through half of the posts and just finished reading the rest now.

I suppose I've calmed down a bit since writing that post, but I am still undecided as to whether or not I'm going. It's a good thing that I have up until the 18th to decide whether to go to the wedding or go on a weekend vacation!

It's funny because I was at work today, and one of my co-workers is also a HS classmate. I asked her if she knew about the situation (as she's also invited to the wedding) and Judy told me she assumed that I was a part of the wedding party. She compared me and Aleathia to rubber and glue as she recalled how close Aleathia and I were back then.

And you guys are right -- I could give two shits about being a part of the wedding party. I'm just infuriated that she didn't bother to clue me in. In Aleathia's defense she's never been the confrontational type. This doesn't appease the situation at all, but it does explain at least one thing.

Maybe I just need to find a really really really hot guy to take to the wedding to make them all jealous of me.

And no, I'm not secretly in love with her as madmax said. She carries too much emotional baggage and is too needy and she's really not my type. :p

It kind of surprises me that you have been such good friends with such a Chicken Sh*t all of these years. :D

Definitely find the hottest guy possible to take. Make them crazy jealous.

and we all know Sandy could easily do this :D

Keep both of these things in mind - C is def your GC soulmate, and he definitely knows how awkward some of these situations can be. You're mature enough to see both sides, and I'm sure you can understand both aspects.

I'm going to disagree with the majority, though - this is not at all similar to Collin's first point, which is a totally understandable allocation of resources. You put in the legwork, and you were effectively cut out of the loop.

If I'm you, I would make a very conscious decision as to whether or not I really have a desire to attend. Bringing a "hot date" is a short-term victory, and is nearly worse than the garbage 'boycott!' arguments. If you're only going to show someone up. you'd be better off in LA with some friends and some beaujoulais.

Sending a gift is requisite - she's still your girl. However, at no point can I honestly promote putting yourself in a position that only involves some sort of "FUCK YOU" mentality. Take a zen moment, and decide whether or not you'll actually enjoy yourself. If you will not - use those frequent flier miles and do you.

You're not being the bigger person if your sole purpose in attending is to show up everyone else.

RCOUT

Is there an open bar? If so, go and drink your $s worth :)

Seriously, just like everyone else said, try to think of if you'd regret not being there in the future. If you won't, then tell her AHEAD of time. It will make you look bad to cancel last minute. I know we had some people do that at our wedding, and it cost us a lot of $ and I'm still mad at them. I know that what she did was hurtful, but don't give her any reason to be mad at you. Let her be the bitch in this situation.

I will make you a bridesmaid and I will make you wear a dress with a floppy bow and a hat and I will NOT let you eat my sheetcake under any circumstances.