Relationship - Taking a Break
 

Just wanted to check with everyone out there:

This past Saturday my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years told me he "needs a break" to figure out if he still loves me or if he's just comfortable in the relationship and that's why he stays in it. We're only 21, so I know we're young, but after dating so long this really hurt me. The problem is, after three days, I know that I love him and I feel like he should know too...after all, you either miss spending time with a person or you dont.

Everyone I've talked to about this says it's really confusing becasue he keeps saying things like he doesnt want to break up and he doesn't want this break to be perminent and he still wants to go on a vacation with my family and I this summer. I just don't know how long I should go on with a breaking heart so that he can decide how he feels.

Does anyone have any insight?

Take the break. Let him have some space. That's a LONG time at your age to be together.

Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

If you are "taking a break," he does NOT get to go on vacation with you and your family unless the situation is resolved. PERIOD. He can't have it both ways.

Usually, I think "taking a break" is a person's way of saying "I want to break up but I'm too much of a wuss to come out and say it so let's try this" OR "I want to have sex with someone else." However, I do think it is possible, although rare, for someone to really need time to figure out what's up, which is hopefully what's happening here. If I were you I would NOT call or contact him in any way and see what happens. That will be excrutiating, but you're going to be far better off in the long run if you do that -- then, he'll come back if it's what he decides he wants and he won't if it's not, which is better than him coming back because you made him feel guilty by calling him all the time or what not. Just give him his space and see what happens.

Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

I pretty much agree with valkyrie, but I wanted to add that I also think it's quite possible to give someone space without "taking a break". I mean, if he just wants to hang out with his friends some more to see if he misses being around you, I don't think that would have been so hard to ask for.

Do you know what he's doing with his time right now? How does it make YOU feel? If you feel you're the one doing all the sacrificing, then that's not right either.

Have you recently changed phsyically?

-Rudey

Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

Re: Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

I wanted to cosign that part in valkyrie's post also. Actually, I agree with her entire post.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

If you're a stud, you set the rules, not chicks on greekchat.

-Rudey

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

What makes you so sure this guy is a stud and not a dud? :)

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

He asked for the break, not her.

It is what it is right? She's on here worried and he's got the upper hand.

-Rudey

Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

OR "There's this other girl, and the thing is, I like you way more than her, but she's a really naive girl and she's super into me, so I think she'll worship me way more than you do and probably put out more often -- so I'm just going to tell you that you and I are still kind of together because you're the girl I want to marry but meanwhile I'm going to deflower her and maybe she'll even let me do some kinky isht. Is that okay?"

Apparently I'm still bitter? "I think we should take a break" are is probably one of my most hated phrases in the English language.

No, honestly, I agree with valkyrie's post. There is a slight possibility that he really just does need to figure things out. Follow the no-contact rule and let him re-approach you. Usually, though, "let's take a break" is just the wimpy version of "I want to break up," so I feel like you should start preparing yourself for that possibility. And yes, he is NOT going on vacation with you if you're broken up. I did that with the ex right after our "break" stage (because we'd planned the trip beforehand) and it was a horrible idea. If he's not treating you like you're dating, he doesn't get the benefits of dating.

Re: Re: Relationship - Taking a Break
 

I concur!

back in my single days, when I told a guy that I needed a "break" - it meant that I needed a break from him while I explored something/someone else - which if that somethng else worked out, I would then go back and tell the first guy that it's over, we're too young to get serious, blah, blah, blah.

I agree with everyone else - DO NOT take him on vacation with you and your family! use this vacation as your own "break".

Valkyrie is right on in her post.

Also, to add to that.....Maybe "taking a break" is his way of letting you down easy. Sometimes that depends on the relationship's circumstances.

I recently went through something very similar to this situation.
Embrace this time!!! You may find out that you don't need this guy at all. I sure did. If he's going to take a break from you, to see other people or whatever, you should take advantage of this time to find out what you really want. This break could really open your eyes.

Maybe he is the right one, maybe he's not......at least take the time to find out.

Taking a break can mean different things to the person asking for the break. I'll speak only for guys.

Val is right when she says that usually its a wussy way to back into a break up.

Also, it can mean that the guy feels out of control of himself in the relationship. Maybe he finds himself spending more time with you than he believes he should, doing things that you want to do. Sacrificing things he thinks he should be doing. I see this at times with couples that spend a lot of their free time together. Sometimes girls can be really time intensive.

In that case taking some time would be his way of reasserting himself into his own life and the relationship.

However, thats a bad strategy to use because any type of break up weakens the relationship. Anytime you go into the break up, get back together mode you lose some of the magic. Some people do that on purpose. They break up and get back together because they can't stand the intensity of the infatuation and keep doing it until the relationship is "comfortable". But thats a digression.

Now that I have confused you some more I'll give you a different way of looking at this situation.

Your boyfriend just broke up with you. Thats what a break is. Thats why its called a break, as in break up. All he has said is that he might want to start going back out with you soon.

So what you have to do is act AS IF the relationship is over and behave accordingly. Go out, see other people, break off contact with him etc. Because as far as you know, he has broken up with you.


Oh and next time, tell him there are other strategies to use if you need a "break". You can plan little trips that don't include the person, you can invent a solitary project. All kinds of mature ways to do it that don't screw things up even if things work out. Because even if things do work out with him . . . he has already betrayed you.

Little shit.

ok.. i didnt notice that this was in this forum already.. so here is what i wrote in the other post...




missing spending time with someone is different than loving them..

i have had plenty of relationships where at the end I wasn't neccessarily still in love with the person more or less enjoyed hanging out with them and doing stuff together (i.e. as your boyfriend has questioned whether or not he is still in the relationship just bc he is comfortable)

him saying he wants to go on vacation with you.. can be confusing.. be he is confused himself about things right now.. thats why he is giving off mixed signals..

Day 4 Observation
 

So here's my question:
Relationships are about work, they're not easy. So if I'm the only one fighting for this relationship, isn't that wrong? Why should I wait for him to make a decision about my future? If he can't decide if this relationship means enought to him to work for it, why shouldn't I find someone out there who IS willing to work for it?

If he wants to take a break, tell him okay but let's make it permanent. He is a weasel. You can do better.

Do you really want this guy with you on your family's vacation? Take one of your other friends instead.

Re: Day 4 Observation
 

I agree. Relationships are about work and if one person is the MAIN one trying to work at it, then yeah - something is wrong. You shouldn't have to "make" someone be with you - they either do or they don't. If he was interested in being in a relationship with you, he would still be there.

I agree with James. Go out, have fun, see other people because honestly, you are now single.

Yes, You CAN (and will) do better! :cool:

Re: Day 4 Observation
 

Answer: Don't wait for him. I'm really glad you though about all that because it's true. Don't wait for him. If some guy comes along and he seems willing to meet you halfway - I'd say go for it. Don't wait on pins & needles waiting to see if Mr. INeedABreak is going to change his mind and decide if his relationship with you really is worth working for.

There was this phrase my grandma used to tell me --If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it was never yours to begin with.

This break may take a week... maybe 2... maybe even a few months.

With my current boyfriend (who I've been dating most all of college) we had a 6-month breakup a couple of years ago. During that time I did go out and date a few guys, but believe it or not, we were actually *friends* during the breakup time... and ended getting back together after 6 months. During that time I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about him too. So maybe ya'll will get back together? Who knows? But don't wait around for it to happen.

In the words of Stuart Smiley:

"Im good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!!!!!!!"

He sounds like a dweeb. My ex tried to do that to me. I agreed to our split and when we were on "the break" I saw him making out with someone else. You are wayyyyy to young to be tied down. Who knows? You might meet someone that cares about you and your feelings...

Now, what would THAT be like?? I'd say pretty damn good!

Re: Re: Day 4 Observation
 

Amen, Sista!!!

It's tough to see the light at the end of the tunnel in these situations sometimes, but believe me, it's there. And pretty soon it will shining so brightly on you, you won't know what happened.

bumping cuz I've been wondering about this myself...

Anyone here been in a long-term relationship and then taken a break and gotten back together at a later point? And by break here, I mean not remaining friends or "with benefits" I mean-you haven't spoken in a few months or so.

Thanks for bumping this.....Thanks a whole lot:):).

I can not answer your question, but I had never read this thread before and needed to.:)


BTW TWIN if you are reading this just know that T has got to go. I will probably put it in a PM;)

I'm either in or out. No games.

If I was the original poster, as soon as that joker told me he's starting to have mixed feelings, before he even finished the sentence I would have dumped him like a bad habit on the spot and moved on.

Back to me. See, I don't take breaks. I work it out. There are no breaks, and I damn sure don't play that "friends with benefits" garbage. I'm in it for the long haul through good times and bad. If she starts having mixed feelings, it's over for good. Period.

In response to what you said PrettyBoy, what if there were no mixed feelings? What if there is no question as to how you feel for the other person, but, there are things you need to work out on because the relationship has become too much to handle? Not that I like that either, it makes it seem like, oh well if you can't handle it right now, what makes you think you can handle it later?

But I get what you're saying. Except, when the feelings are still there, what to do? Wait or say, all or nothing?

LOL...I think my mind has been acting like the bridge, falling apart with no reason to be found. Maybe you're right PB. But for now, I'll go back to sipping my drink and watching the waves. Nothing like a long vacation to make you forget (or distract!).

Haha, what happened? :confused:

Sorry for not reading the entire thread before I reply, but in my opinion, asking for a break is just a way of keeping his security blanket just in case his taste of freedom doesn't turn out to be as glamorous as he expects it will be. Don't let him jerk you around on a chain, and don't keep him on one either if/when he ever comes crawling back to you. If the thought is even in his mind that he may not be sure he wants to be with you, after being together for such a long time, that translates to ready-to-move-on. Cut the umbilical cord. ;)

That's the way to be!!! :)

I hear what you are saying, to the OP, but the question I posed is a bit different I think. Perhaps more information is needed, but w/o giving all that away I guess what you are saying is: no breaks. If there is some issue or issues that you cannot work out with your partner, then move on completely.

I think in my case, I'm wondering what those who have been through this before with successfully getting back together felt that the break did for their relationship? Gave you clarity,allowed you to focus on yourself and getting your life together, gave you the opportunity to explore other relationships if you wanted to, etc. And if you didn't get back together, do you feel that it was worth it?

Gracias and goodnight!

Awww shoot...let me break away from this newsletter and re-read.

PB--

When your married, you have to give chance after chance. You just cannot break up whenever you want to. But, you can have "breaks" when you figure stuff out on your own for a few hours and come back rejuvenated...

For the gentlemen, that's when you play golf or basketball on the court all day...

For the ladies, that's when you go to the spa and get "rejuvenated" by Javier... ;) (J/K--or am I? :D)

i second that! nothing makes me feel better than going to the mall and buying a hot pair of shoes...something that makes other guys stare at my legs when we are out together ;)...i have a cousin, not married a whole year yet and every week they are divorcing, or so they say. giving each other space certainly helps that, if you are always up underneath each other you dont have time to miss each other. take a break, a girls weekend away or see a game with the guys, just make sure you come back lol!

I agree but I don't think PB was talking in a sense of marriage. Moreso in a pre-marital relationship. I learned early that the whole "breaks" thing wouldn't work most of the time. My ex tried that and I simply responded "What for?". If you want to be in the relationship don't run away from it. Chances are if you have to think twice then the decision has already been made.