Questions
 

1) Is "I don't want to ruin the friendship" ever a valid reason for not dating someone, or is it just a line we feed ourselves when we aren't actually THAT attracted to someone?


2) Let's say you have a good, no-commitment-required thing going with someone. Let's say you also get a little jealous even when you know it's not reasonable. Is being able to say "Back off, bitch, he's mine" to other girls ever a valid reason to start an actual relationship with someone, or is that petty? ;)




Okay, so the second question is mostly tongue-in-cheek, but I want some actual debate on the first.

Re: Questions
 

Having used the line myself...it's just a line we feed ourselves. We're either using it for the reason you stated, or to convince ourselves to avoid potentially uncomfortable situations.

Basically it's giving ourselves an easy way out.

#1 can either be a line, or it can be reaallly real. It depends how close of friends you are.

If someone is your best, best friend, I can see it being definitely the case...but if they're your best, best friend, you probably already know so much about them that you aren't attracted anymore even if they are the hottest thing on earth.

Damn Heather, you ask hard questions sometimes :p

Re: Questions
 

cop out

It's most likely already 'ruined' by the time you get to that point - or if not, it's going to be seriously bizarre for the one who's been turned down. If it were there for both sides, it would happen.


It's not like he'd agree to it, anyway. I also took the liberty of deleting your smiley - don't do it again.

#1: I have used that on someone I was best friends with. He had feelings for me a long time and he was my confidant (sp?) and someone I could always go to with any problem I didn't want that to ever change. I realized that I had feelings for him about 2 years into our friendship and I also realized that we had come to a point where we would either have to move forward togther or completely apart. Anytime he dated someone they found our friendship strange and became jealous of me because he would drop what he was doing to help me. Neither one of us were going to have a healthy relationship with someone else with the same friendship in place. We dated, talked about marriage, ended horribly, and it's been almost 2 years since we talked. Regret? Not once.

ETA: This is a little bit off the originial question, but I will argue till I die that it's not possible to return to being friends after having dated, especially if it was serious. At least not return to the SAME friendship. I was dating someone from OCtober-January and he also began talking about us getting married and would talk about us moving and kids and all sorts of things. Then out of the blue he decided it wasn't going to work but still wanted us to be friends. HELLO...........two weeks before you broke up with me you were talking about how much of a combined income we would have in Dallas and where our kids could go to school!!! And now you just want to be friends?! HAHA

1). A little unrelated to the question...but I could not see myself using this line because I only tend to befriend guys (and accept guys' friendships) that I have interest in, even if it is just a little. I just hope that this line will never be used on me. :)

1. No.

2. No.

Re: Re: Questions
 

I agree with that answer for #1.

I was watching Oprah not too long ago and they had Greg B. on there, the co-author of "He's Just Not That In To You." When he was first on her show, I didn't watch...I just didn't care. Seeing him this second time around, I bought the book! These questions you are asking are covered in the first two chapter of this book. I would suggest checking it out. (Get it at Wal-Mart...it is inexpensive there!)

i just puked in my mouth a little bit

As much as I detest that expression, I have to agree. One day S&S told me all the chapter titles of that book, and I can't believe there is one person on this earth who is not smart enough to figure that out without reading it in a book. For reals, yo.

#1. It's not always a cop out. My best friend in highschool and college and I were very attracted to each other and had to fight it often, because we were also COMPLETE opposites on some issues that would completely rip us apart if we were dating, but as friends, it didn't matter. For example, he didn't think that women should work after they're married and should just take care of the family, and other very traditional things about female roles. So, although we were VERY attracted to each other, we could never date each other. We had the same issues about our SOs having difficulty understanding our friendship too.

Re: Re: Questions
 

I knew your responses to this thread were going to be my favorites before I even read them.

Although you are wrong on question 2 because he was the one who brought up dating, but I think only because he is having too many "Step off, bitch" moments of his own. Which could quite possibly be the worst beginning to a relationship ever (except maybe, "Do you want to come with me to a party to make my ex-boyfriend jealous?" ).


My little sister has a copy of He's Just Not That Into You, and I think it's amazing if only because it manages to treat its readers like they're 13 and still has a HUGE following . . . It takes complex situations and boils them down to a far too simplistic answer (he didn't call because he doesn't like you) at the same time as taking simple situations and assuming the reader is making them far too complex (he's not that into you if he broke up with you -- well, yes, probably, you idiot).

At any rate, a more useful book to me at this point would be You're Just Not That Into Him, because I have many more problems decoding myself than the boys, but until that's written I will stick to GC and use lots of happy faces ;) :D to annoy KSig RC.

Re: Re: Re: Questions
 

Every time you use a smiley, someone loses brain cells. Think of the brain cells!

I've read "He's Just Not That Into You," and if people couldn't figure the stuff in the book by themselves, they're pretty pathetic.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Questions
 

I'm the new Tom Earp! :D :(

yikes----can we handle another one?

just when I thought I'd figured out the first one.....

I agree with the other Kappa Sigs and say its a cop out. A convenient line.

Although there may be a different root cause than a simple "Someone doesn't like someone enough."

My read on most of the situations I have seen is that its a matter of safety. Risk aversion. FEAR.

If you know they will sever the friendship if you don't date them, you might date them because you fear the pain of losing them.

If you can continue the relationship, you might not date them because you are afraid it might not work. The "half of loaf being better than none" theory which is another form of fear.

If someone is that kind of person, I am not sure how strong they are internally. Its a way of approaching life by minimizing the perception of risk.

Its like trying to become friends with people you are attracted to first and then hope it develops into more.

ITs playing it safe.

Because ultimately, no matter how well you know the other person, you don't know what a relationship will be like between you.

Re: Questions
 

In my case, It's a valid reason. I have dated a friend and it did ruin our friendship. So now I am extremely worried about that happening again if I ever fall for a friend.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Questions
 

Look, if you keep it up with these smiley things you will leave me with no other course of action except to wish that the fleas of 1000 camels infest your crotch area. Sounds colorful doesn't it?

As for the actual thread, who cares! Smash and don't think twice because thinking only confuses things.

I'm going to have to agree with it being a cop-out as far as I'm concerned, but I'm sure there are actually people who do feel that way. My best friend is a guy, and we've been friends for 8 years. I had a huge crush on him when I met him and every once in a while I think how simple it would be for us to date. As much as I wouldn't want to ruin things, if I really felt like there was something there, I would date him in a heartbeat.