Warning to Iowa employers: Beware the Idleness of March
By MARC HANSEN
For the first time, Iowa State, Iowa and Northern Iowa have been invited to play in the same NCAA basketball tournament, which means worker productivity across the state could hit an all-time low.
Throw in St. Patrick's Day for good measure, and Iowans have what amounts to a rare four-day weekend - leading into spring break, no less. And you thought Veishea was canceled this year.
Is it too late to wave the white flag, declare Thursday a state holiday - Hoopsgiving? - close the schools and businesses, and focus on college basketball?
Doesn't matter. Thousands of employees across the state will be blowing off work anyway. And the ones who don't will be taking two of the longest extended lunch breaks in Iowa history.
At 1:50 today, Iowa plays Cincinnati. Lunch and basketball.
At 11:30 Friday, Iowa State plays Minnesota. Basketball and lunch.
When you watch the news tonight, pay special attention to the fan stories. The TV stations will head to the sports bars in the afternoon. The cameras will pan to the throngs of cheering Hawkeye fans.
If you don't recognize someone who shouldn't be there, you will recognize several people who know they shouldn't be there. You'll be able to identify them by the way they shun the TV lights. Like celebrities avoiding paparazzi.
Some will slide out of video range with an evasion technique known as the "NCAA Tourney Duck and Roll."
Others will perform the highly effective "Menu Mask Maneuver." While they might look as if they're pricing buffalo wings, they're really hiding from the boss.
My favorite Hoopsgiving Day bust involves the Des Moines man who was allegedly making service calls outside the office while Iowa was playing Kentucky.
Instead of making calls, however, Des Moines Man slipped into a sports bar. As luck would not have it, Channel 8 showed up to file a fan story from the same sports bar.
And guess who was front and center on the news? Hoopsgiving Day fugitives can run, but they can't hide.
Basketball junkies like Des Moines Man aren't the only ones shirking their duties. So are basketball know-nothings who wouldn't know a pick from a roll.
Even the people who couldn't care less about the game from May through February - the ones you really have to watch in the office pool, by the way - are suddenly sloughing off, surfing the Net on company time, foraging for inside information.
Every year during these two weeks, employee productivity tumbles. One research company says the 16 days of Hoopsgiving cost American companies almost $900 million in neglected work.
Barry Griswell, a college basketball player who went on to become chairman, president and CEO of the Principal Financial Group, believes his company will survive the next two weeks.
Does productivity plummet at Principal this time of year?
"Never," he says in an e-mail. "No slackers here. Seriously, employees have the flexibility to use their personal time off however they see fit. Our first priority is to meet customer needs; the work gets done, whether it's NCAA, the holiday season, a snowstorm or a flood.
"We do tend to see more informal department gatherings over lunch or other times during the day to watch games, and that is not a bad thing."
How does Principal feel about office pools?
"Office pools can be fun, and the tournament atmosphere can build morale and camaraderie. The key is to have reasonable guidelines to ensure that it is a fun thing and not an opportunity for serious wagering. In March we remind employees of the Iowa law on athletic event pools and express our expectation that they will comply."
Complying with Iowa code means:
Pool participants must have a genuine social relationship.
All money wagered must be paid to the participants.
Participants are limited to $500 in winnings.
No individual may bet more than $5.
Correct. You know more hardened criminals than you thought.
Like most holidays, Hoopsgiving is a stressful time. So much preparation, beginning the Monday before tipoff when you study the matchups like a med school student cramming for finals.
You must also find time to fill out the brackets and ridicule your co-workers' picks.
On Thanksgiving, people stuff themselves with football. On Hoopsgiving, it's one basketball game after another, from morning until Letterman.
No reason Macy's shouldn't throw a parade.
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