Question for you if you have kids, if you are a recent kid or if you want kids!
 

This is a question for those of you who are the parents of kids, recently were kids or plan to have kids (and that should just about cover everyone!).

What is the line between doing nice things for your kids and spoiling them? My husband and I have two girls, 7 and 9 years old and I am starting to worry that I spoil them, which I absolutely don't want to do. They don't act obnoxious or anything, but they don't ever get very excited over things I get for them or places I take them. It's almost like they see these things as no big deal.

When my sister and I were growing up, we had (financially) nothing, zilch, nada. I'm talking most of my wardrobe in junior high came passed down from the daughter of the family my grandma cleaned house for (so much for me being the typical sorority girl, right? lol). Because of the freaky way our school district is set up, I went to school in probably the wealthiest suburb of our city so I saw every day all the things everyone else seemed to take for granted but I didn't have. Okay, enough of that and back to the present :) ....

Now I am fortunate enough to have a good measure of financial stability in my life and, since day one, whenever I got something for my girls, it was always the best of whatever. I guess a shrink would guess that I'm trying to make up for all the stuff I didn't have as a kid. Anyhoo...since I can afford to give them things, I find that I can't say no to anything they ask for. CD's? No problem. DVD's? Sure! A shopping spree at Limited Too for no reason? Why not? OF course, you need Converse high tops in every color! Horseback riding lessions? Your own saddle? Sleepaway tennis camp? You get the point. I don't know where to draw the line. When I was a kid, I guess it was easy for my parents to know when to stop because we just couldn't afford much. So now, what do I do if it's not an issue of what I can afford?

I get the impression that quite of you late teen/twentysomethings grew up in a house where material things were readily available. Were you spoiled? Why or why not? Where do you draw the line?

Thanks, guys, for any help! :)

I grew up in a house where things were financially very readily availble, but I was never spoiled. In fact, compared to some people I grew up with, I was the opposite of spoiled! I did take horseback riding lessons but never had aything more than the basic clothes and shoes. Certainly not my own saddle or a horse (or 5) like some of my friends did. Shopping was limited to two or three times a year (back to school, winter, and summer) and most of the time I wore clothes from the previous year as well as my new ones. Hey, the more clothes the better, right?

Yes, I do drive a 2004 car now, but it is actually property of my grandfather and had been used by a rental compay for a year when I got it. I got it because I recieved several scholarships and go to a state school, where I go 100% for free because of that. Yes, it's not Tulane (where I wanted to go), but it's not 40 grand a year either! My parents also drew the line on where I got to go to college that they would pay for.....I didn't have to go to a state school, but I did choose to (by default at first, but now I love it and will be here for a least a few more years). I get to drive the car payment and insurance free as long as I stay in college and keep a relatively good GPA (and my scholarships mandate a 3.0).

It sounds to me like your kids are not overly spoiled. Yes, they may be indulged a little bit, but most kids are by now....hopefully you will continue along the lines you are now and not say, buy them new cars on their 16th birthday, a few horses, a tennis court of their own, and shopping sprees at Saks.

Sorry for such a long reply!
(edited for spelling)

Admittedly, I grew up in a home where we had a lot of financial stability. I grew up in a town where kids were getting a BMW or Mercedes for their 16th birthday. My friends had a new designer wardrobe at the beginning of each school year. You would think that my parents, who could afford to give me that lifestyle, would give me it so that I could keep up with my classmates. Nope.

My parents wanted me to have a concept of money and they wanted me to learn how to spend conservatively. If I wanted something (like a new bike, CD, Barbie Doll, etc.), I had to earn it. I couldn't just simply ask for it while I was at the toy store. And throwing a temper tantrum about it only got me spanking. I would help my mom clean the house or I would be nice to my sister for a day (this was very difficult) and then my parents would consider getting me the toy that I wanted. When I got older, my parents made me work. I started off babysitting and I was a camp counselor. At 16, I got a part time job and I worked through high school.

My parents did give me some money when I went to college but most of it was paid by me. Scholarships covered my tuition and my savings from jobs covered mostly everything else (sorority, entertainment, food). My parents covered rent.

It's made me very good about spending money. I can proudly say that I'm one of the few from my HS group of friends that has no credit card debt whatsoever. I never spend outside my means. I still drive the same POS car that my parents got me as a HS graduation present (I paid for some of it, too!).

I think it's important to give kids what the need...not what they want. I may have wanted a designer wardrobe but only needed a few new outfits for back-to-school. I learned that you should only get what you absolutely need and, if you have some extra cash, it's ok to splurge on a Fendi bag which I may have done the other week...oops. I learned how to spend wisely. It definitely would've been nice to get that Audi A6 for my HS graduation like I wanted (drool) but I think my parents gave me the best present of all- they taught me the value of money and a good work ethic. I wouldn't trade that in for all the Fendi bags in the world.

I did not grow up in a home with lots of 'extras'. My mom was a single mom most of my life and received no child support, so it was tough. We got by and I never had do without things I needed, but I certainly was not spoiled. I was able to take dance lessons in 3 types of dance, but that was my passion so my grandad paid for it. My mom tried to let me participate in as much extracurricular things as I wanted and we could afford. Exp. - $300/wk local theater camp.... but I had to do my part and bring home good grades and behave. I never really asked for a lot as a kid b/c I knew money was tight. It was a treat for me to get a new book or a magazine.

I was always a tiny kid, so I got hand-me-downs from my best friends when they outgrew them. They could afford Gap, Limited Too, Etc. I actually enjoyed getting handmedown clothes.

I was lucky that I grew up with best friends much more financially secure than my family so I got experiences such as weekends at the country club, vacations on the coast, getting to see the Nutcracker Ballet, etc. that I might not have gotten otherwise.

When it was proven that I could hold down a steady part time job, someone cosigned a loan for me so I could get a car. When that car crashed, mom cosigned a loan for me so I could get another car, however I have made all the payments. It made me sick to my stomach when my friends got brand new cars on their b-days and I didn't, but I appreciate what I have so much more b/c I had to work for it.

No one's really answering the other parts of the question, so I'll take a crack at it:


Really, you know your kids better than we do, so I'd suggest keeping a keen eye on them to see if they're exhibiting the 'downsides' of being spoiled. This will take a lot of work and probing - some of the most vicious issues caused are hard to spot. Here's some samples:

-lack of respect for money
-lack of understanding of budgeting and responsible spending
-difficulty in interpersonal relationships where money is either involved, or the monetary backgrounds are disparate (friends right now, coworkers and boyfriends as they get older) - think of sharing, handling less-fortunate friends, showing up others with possessions, etc
-generally misplaced feelings of entitlement (such as "why don't i get that? i deserve it, i've always gotten it before...")

We all know the stereotypes associated with the spoiled, but the reality is that the negative consequences are often far more subtle than we'd like to think, but carry the full burden in terms of the image they convey to others.

Many, many children grow up with a great deal of wealth but exhibit none of the stereotypical features of the spoiled brat as we usually see it. The key, as I see it, comes in exposing your children to a wide variety of things, making them think about issues and others on a deeper level, and most importantly setting a good example for them to follow regarding possessions and treatment/valuation of both things and other people. Keeping them well-rounded but still grounded allows you to have the joy of seeing your kids happy and provided for, while helping them grow up to be free of the bullshit that can be inbued by a carefree (and careless) life as a child.

Re: Question for you if you have kids, if you are a recent kid or if you want kids!
 

recently were kids? all one year olds come forth and show your face please :p

if i am a father to an only child, he/she will be spoiled rotten. most of the time they will need to earn it themselves though. what they dont have wont really hurt them i guess.

It's difficult to spoil a kid. It's a lot easier to worry about it. It's even easier to talk about it.

You seem to have your head placed squarely on your shoulders and your husband, given what little we know of him, would appear to have a strong educational background and, hopefully, a good sense of responsibility.

The fact that you worry about this is probably a good indication that your kids won't be "spoiled."

Give yourself, and them, a little break. You'll all be fine.

I was raised by a single mother, my dad was in the picure and helped. HOWEVER I was an only child, and one of only 2 grand children that lived close enough to visit my grandparents ALL the time, so yeah, I was quite spoiled as a child (still kinda am) Although I got everything I could really need (and then some)
I didn't get "the best" of everything, (For example, I got a car when I was 16, but it was not a new Mercedes) I got clothes, but not full price from Bloomingdale's etc.

I think that spending money on "experiences"such as travel, camp, and lessons go much more toward helping children become more well rounded, non "brat-like" "spoiled" children than spending it on things like Cds, DVDs, and designer clothes they're going to grow out of in a year, etc. I think I personally would draw the line on spending when they aren't appreciating what they are getting anymore, or when they start to have that sense of entitlement, or have absolutely NO idea of the value of money. I'm sure that since you think about it your children will not have these problems. There is a difference between "spoiled" (not necessarily a bad thing) and "spoiled brat".

When I was growing up, and to an extent even now, my parents have been there for me financially. I am not talking about designer clothing or a brand new car, but they have been able to help me out. Now that I am a "grown up" and have my own bills and debts, I have realized how much they have helped me to understand the value of money. I think it is okay to "spoil" your kids a little bit, but I think the important lesson to incorporate is BEING there for the kids through the good times and the bad, and letting them know that money and expensive belongings DOES NOT buy happiness. I also think it is wise for kids to "earn" certain things if they can, and pay for them also, if they can. For example, at 16, getting a job to pay for their car insurance. This is what my parents had me do. I don't think there is a definate answer for this question, because as we all probably know, there are people out there that "get everything given to them" and have turned out perfectly fine. Also it is important for kids to understand too that just because Richy Rich gets everything given to him by Mom and Dad doesn't mean he has a perfect life either. Interesting topic though...........

I think the important thing is that your children see you using money responsibly. My mother loves to shop, so it was always a big part of our lifestyle. BUT she never spent money excessively... things we needed or things that we really wanted were most always available, but I never got things just to have them.

Also, make sure they know how to respect the items you buy- so you won't have 16 year olds who wreck their new vehicles and then automatically expect another brand-new one to be sitting in the driveway.

I highly doubt you are spoiling your children!

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies! I think maybe I'll cut back on the impulse shopping and perhaps start assigning them small chores that they can earn money for to buy little extras for themselves.

This "raising of responsible individuals" thing can get so complicated!! lol :)

Some other suggestions besides chores is to have your kids donate old toys and clothes to the less fortunate or to kids who are hospitalized.

Do you take your daughters with you to any Delta Zeta service projects? Find some projects that you can take your daughters to.

I think it greatly depends on your attitude. My family when I was growing up was pretty well off financially, BUT since I was little I saw my dad work his butt off to build up this great reputation he has in his own business, and make that business very sucessful. He always wanted to give me what I wanted, and it always had to be the best. I wanted some cowboy boots when I was 6, but no we didn't go to Wal-Mart, they had to be red Justin Ropers (really nice ones). Anyway, besides the point. I knew that money didn't grow on trees and that you had to work for it. He put my mom and I both through college and I know that everything we had is because of hard work. I hope to be able to do the same for my kids someday. I know both of my parents were very poor when they were growing up. My mom had me between her jr and sr year of high school so we started on welfare. Anyway, just make sure your children know it's not free and that it comes from hard work. They can be spoiled without beig ROTTEN. :D

That's a great idea!

My parents use to bring the whole family to a homeless shelter in Ft. Lauderdale every Christmas to help serve food. It was a really eye-opening experience.

Every Spring, my mom made my sister and me go through our rooms and get rid of our toys that we rarely used. She then brought us down to the Women and Children's Shelter to drop off our stuff.

It made me so incredibly grateful for what I had to be able to see those less fortunate than me. I think it'll make your daughters understand that they are lucky and they'll appreciate more what they have.

Exactly. I am sure you want your daughters to be Greek one day and this starts them on the right road but teaches them about helping others as well.

All good points. KR, I definitely understand where you're coming from; growing up money was a struggle for my family, so I'd like to think that I'll be able to give my kids anything they want/ask for.

There is the side Rob gave as well; having spent time in classrooms, even as young as preschool/toddler age, you can notice a subtle difference between those who get everything and those who don't.

It's difficult because your intentions are great, and I don't think you should worry terribly about it. I think, in some ways, most parents spoil their kids to some degree. You just don't want to go overboard with it.

KR, I don't think your daughters are going to grow up like that chick I saw on Super Sweet 16 last night who CRIED when her parents didn't give her the BRAND NEW RANGE ROVER she wanted ON HER BIRTHDAY. Who called daddy to WHINE when her mom shut off her credit card because she took a trip to Santa Barbara when she was told she told she wasn't supposed to go. Did I mention she whined a few more times when her mom told her that dress she wanted (which she had flown to PARIS to buy)wasn't appropriate (it WASN'T it had a plunge in the front to the navel, and wasn't appropriate for a 16 year old IMO) SHer also told her parents "ALLL MY FRIENDS GOT THEIR CARS EVEN BEFORE THEIR BIRTHDAYS" Uggghhh she was HORRIBLE.

Back to the point. I don't think your children will be like that, so no worries. :D

Or...since they're still young and allowances might not be a big deal right now, maybe they can chores where they aren't paid? At the very least, keeping their personal areas (bedrooms and playroom) clean is something that they'll have to do for the rest of their lives--without getting paid! :D

As long as they are still respectful of authority and don't complain too much when you ask them to do something that's out of the ordinary, then you don't really have anything to worry about. If they understand that there are negative consequences to behaving badly, and behave accordingly, then they aren't spoiled.

I've got two words for you:

Sweat Shop.

That's right. Put them to work. Where better to work than a sweat shop? You work long hours, make little pay, and see what it's like to have no money.

Sweat shops always hire kids. Kids have these tiny little hands and they're very good at sewing little Nike labels onto sneakers. There will always be a demand for your children to work the "shop".

-Rudey

(Groan)

Cavemen groan. Speaking of cavemen, who here remembers the Caveman lawyer?

-Rudey

I'm just a caveman . . . your modern ways frighten and confuse me. When i see the neon lights of the city, it makes me want to run away . . . to my beach house on nantucket.

I agree. My parents bought me most of what I wanted when I was growing up, but there were places where they drew the line - I got a car when I turned 16, but it wasn't new. My parents pay my tuition after my loans and scholarships, but I'm also required to have a part-time job. I feel like they kept me pretty well grounded growing up, which I think is the most important thing to do.

I just got the Best of Phil Hartman DVD two weekends ago and watched it. It was good. Caveman Lawyer was on there.

I grew up in a household where, financially, things were not there until I was about 16 years old. Unfortunately, my grandpa had to die before my parents came into any serious money. (My grandpa left his VERY financially stable business to my dad when I was 16.) Even when my parents first got the business, they still weren't in the financially well-to-do until I got into college.

My brother has reaped far more benefits, materially, from my parents than I ever did. Jealous? ehhh, I don't know but definately not spoiled. When I was growing up, my parents couldn't afford really nice clothes for me. In turn, it fell upon my grandparents (both sets) to get me the Abercrombie and Fitch, department store, American Eagle, etc. clothing if I wanted to fit in remotely at my high school.

I still think $10 is too much to pay for a purse so if was to get a Prada, Dooney & Bourke, Kate Spade, or Vera Bradley purse I'd probably take "too good" care of it, if there is such a thing. I'd be highly pissed if something happened to it. I think it's probably hard to find that middle of the road type of deal with kids. It's either you're sheltered from the nice things in life and get overly protective and possessive of the nice things you have or just dismiss nice things as boring. No in-between kind of deal.

I am sure if someone found a solution or formula on how not to spoil your kids without sheltering them too much from the nice things in life, then, that person would have a goldmine.

Anyways, good luck!

i also have a kid . she ia 3 years old. i think that if you give them gifts and take them out not very often they will start enjoying it more and they will also understand the differance between a regular day and a special day. try to make special events for them on really special days like birthdays namedays vacations or days that actually means something to you and your kids .for example the day they lost their first tooth. understand what i mean?

My daughter is spoiled---by her grandparents. Her dad and I provide the basics (and we are co-parenting) and Nana and Poppy give her all the extras she wants, within reason, and assuming that she's earned them by doing well in school. My daughter has chores that she must do everyday before she's allowed to watch TV, play outside, play her video games, or go places with friends. When she does above and beyond in school, she gets rewarded, but is expected to get good grades. When she does poorly, her privledges cease. Her father and I do our best to try to keep her grounded and are trying to teach her the value of money.

I was spoiled rotten. ;) I got most of what I asked for, but I rarely asked for things other than books. I didnt ask for a car until I got to college and by then I needed one, and I am still driving it, 193k miles later. My parents did ok, but I understood that just because I wanted it didn't automatically mean I would get it. I was expected to do my job and do it well (i.e, maintain good grades) and to do chores around the house without being reminded to do them. If I did that, I could ask for pretty much what I wanted and get it sometimes.

Good parents, I think, balance a child's wants and needs and adjusts their expectations as the child grows and matures. And a parent has the right to say no every now and then just because you can.

Read the book "The Millionaire Next Door". People fritter a lot of money on stupid (and temporary) things. I hate to see what this next generation will do when they are 70 yrs old and have no money saved up for retirement. The best gift you can give your kids is "financial wisdom". Make them work for what they get (within reason). Teach them to keep zero credit card debt and pay the full balance monthly. Teach them to give to the less fortunate. My college senior has a 15 yr old Honda. Yeah, I could buy him a brand new one but I think that takes away the joy of buying his first new car and sitting in it and saying to himself "I just bot a new car with my own money".

The reason we have so many boomerang kids today is that they expect to have everything their folks have in their first year out of college. Hey, it took us 25 yrs to get this nice stuff. It didn't just rain down from the sky.

When your kids are young have them spend one hour reading a book for every hour watching tv or playing computer/video games. They will whine but will thank you later when their SAT/ACT scores are so high.

EXACTLY.
My child is 9 and knows that if her school work is not up to snuff, EVERYTHING else stops. Ask her why she didnt go trick or treating this year. :(

My kids were pretty spoiled before the divorce. Everytime we went into a store they got something, even if it was something small. That had to stop after the divorce because I just didn't have the money and I think that was a good thing. My kids aren't wanting for anything, but I get good deals or get them used/refurbished stuff (computers, Ipods, etc.) My daughter is the "I want" kid. She is a bottomless pit. She keeps a running list of her "needs" and I prioritize them (jeans, tops, socks, red flats, etc.) and get things when I can. I don't do school shopping with her where we get a whole year's wardrobe because that just doesn't work with her. It's better to buy her something every month than to buy it all at once.

When your kids get a little older, you can do things like my mom did. When I wanted contact lenses and she wasn't sure I would take care of them, I had to pay half. She would give me a school clothes allowance. That was all the money I got for school clothes. If I wanted to buy 2 pairs of designer jeans and no other pants, fine. If I wanted different pants for each day of the week, I had to get cheaper stuff. It helped me learn to budget. The kids definitely learned that they can't have everything they want, or the best of everything all the time without some sacrifice or work. I think it's an important lesson, especially as they get older.