I Majorly Need Advice
 

I just need some advice. I think I did the right thing, but I'm scared I may have done the wrong.
See there was this guy from my college that was pretty much stalking me. He'd talk to my friends about me, ask about me, found out where I lived, tried to get a ride here, constantly kept tabs on me...made a website dedicated to me and his xanga was filled with stuff about me. So I got really creeped out. I told him to "f*** off" before but he just wouldnt listen...and then when he would, his friends would give me this big "he's suicidal" thing so I'd talk to him again. Finally I just got fed up and I posted about him on my school's forums. I figured getting it out and getting opinions would help. But now I dont know if I did the right thing.
I didnt want him to do this to anyone else and it royally was creeping me out. He's stopped talking to me and he's deleted the xanga and the fan club site...but still, now people on my school's forums make ME sound like the bad one.
I can tell you more if you'd like or show you the thread on that site...but I just dont know what to do.
I just wanted him to leave me alone...I'm not at my college this semester. I came home and I'm going to a community college to catch up on math...and he was doing all this with me not even there. That creeped me out even more, having a long distance stalker!!!! But now I worry about how it'll be when I got back in Fall and I worry about if I did the right thing.
Some say I should have went to the cops, but I really wanted to avoid having to ruin this kid's permanent record if I could have stopped him now a better way.
I just dont know and I just want someone to talk to about this.

You did the right thing to get him to end his obsession with you before it progressed farther and began to become a worse situation and security risk for you.


was this his fairy godmother?
http://www.bigpinkcookie.com/moblog/...800834_235.jpg
cuz that's what he sounds like.

I agree.... If you asked him to stop and he just didn't seem to get the point, a more drastic action had to take place. You did nothing to cause him harm or get him in trouble so you shouldn't feel bad. You felt threatened and did the right thing to ensure your safety. I've had stalkers before (thankfully nothing got to the level of having a website or anything but it did go pretty far), but once I took action to make it stop I felt horrible. Now I know that I did the right thing and who knows what would've happened if I just let it all play out. You went with your gut, so trust your decision.... I'm sure it was the best thing you could do. PM me if you want to talk more about this.

I had a guy like this a couple months back. He would just show up at my house because he was "driving by", call over and over, etc. I finally just told him that he was too forward and it was making me uncomfortable. He stopped after that but has called a couple times. It's good you did something, but maybe tell him directly so there's no confusion about your thoughts on the situation and then if he still does it notify your school's dean or campus police (or both). Good luck, he sounds supremely creepy...

well here's an update:

He contacted UMR police and told them HE felt threatened by people that had responded to the thread and he basically turned himself in. They now have him down as a stalker and if he ever even talks about me again, he's in trouble.
Apparently he was doing more than I knew...
But I guess I'm still really freaked out and confused. I always thought it'd be some pretty, skinny girl that would get stalked...not me.
So overall I'm more scared and jumpy than anything

Yeah it's over legally....but still, he's got this big group that the PD told me to watch out for b/c they aren't happy with me :(

Just so you know, if you haven't actually filed anything, that's just plain not true. The best you can hope for if you haven't filed is having the police go to his house to "scare" him -- and if the police have already been involved, and nothing happened to him, there's some studies that show he's less likely to fear police interference in the future.


Stalking laws have changed a *lot* in recent years (since 1996 I think? When Rebecca Shafer, the TV actress, was killed by her stalker) and the police can't legally do anything unless you've filed a report. GO FILE A REPORT. That's creating a document trail in case he does something more scary -- or to another girl -- later.

Rebecca Schaffer was murdered in 1989. I'm not sure when stalking laws were written. I know that there were changes in enforcement in NY after Judge Sol Wachtler stalked and harassed his former girlfriend in 1992.

I was stalked in college. When I realized it, I filed a report with the campus police. He was a scary guy, but he only approached me twice. He followed me everywhere. I was told to change my patterns such as go to the library and the dining halls at different times and walk different routes. I was also advice not to walk alone especially at night. I told my friends and sorority sisters not to give out any information about me including my name, address, and phone number.

I advice you to file a report against this guy. You should be able to live your life without the stress of being stalked.

My stalker stopped when he was placed in a psych hospital.

Be strong sweetie. Don't worry about ruining someone's life or doing anything "mean". This man had the choice to act within normal societal and legal bounds and didn't-- the best thing you can do is protect yourself and get on with your life. I would file a report as well-- just to make sure that thre is a record, in case his friends try something or he tries something.

I agree w/ everyone else.... FILE A REPORT.

I think since you mentioned his friends aren't happy with you right now should be even more persuasion to file a report.

Like XOMichelle said, don't worry about him at this point. He's doing/has done enough to YOU to make you feel scared and uncomfortable (and obviously didn't care enough to stop after you told him to stop). You need to do what's right for YOU.

I agree, file the report.

Even if you don't press charges, with things like this, it's SO important to have a paper trail

I think you have gotten some pretty good advice within the context of the information you have given us.

I am just curious if there is some more backstory.

On the one hand the story reads as if this is a total stranger that is stalking you out of the blue. Someone you hav never dated, ben friends with, or hooked up with.

On the other hand you know his friends well enough that they are talking to you about him and this situation. You have enough of a personal relationship with him, or at least reciprical contact that you felt obligated to "talk to him again" because his friends said he was suicidal.

Also, if you presented this story on your school forum the way you presented it here, I am surprised that they responded making you out to be the bad guy.

As far as the police. . . I wouldn't be overly enamored of what they may have said to him. They are mediating a dispute, so what they tell either party when the other isn't there . . . could be anything.

quick! A victim! attack!

well I went ahead and filed a report. They had started the paperwork on him already when I had talked to them.

They dont think he'll bother me, but his friends are supposibly super mad and one of my friends have gotten a threat from his friend. Now it's a matter of proving that even.

As for more backstory, he came looking for me because I met him earlier in the year and he was getting over one of my sorority sisters when he came to me. I thought he was nice at first and I would have considered us friends. But then he started being obsessed. He even said he was obsessed. He was super mad that I didnt want to date him. That's when the stalking began.

I know what the cops did tell me...but see some of my friends posted on the schools forums that they oughta "kick his a**" so all of my friends that had posted did get questioned by the cops. So I also have what they told me the cops said.

I know the administrator of the school's forum had to turn over the logs and he was questioned and he showed me the papers the cops gave him.

Colin's friends dont like me. He's friends with a guy that absolutely hates me actually. This friend of his, we'll call him "N" for now. Well, "N" cheated on his gf with one of my friends and I caught him. Well he was scared I'd tell his gf, so he broke up with her...and ever since has been mad at me. All of his friends have actually. So I think this is more of an excuse for them to just start being mad at me again.

They dont think Colin is a physical threat to me, but they did tell me to watch his friends closely and to report anything they say or do.

It's really just confusing and scary. At first I just thought it was a little creepy how this boy was....but now it royally freaks me out. He had more websites made on me than I had initially knew about and I dont know who all could have viewed them.

Whether she knows this guy or if he started stalking her out of the blue, she obviously feels creeped out by him. Also, let's not pretend that we are all knowing about what's going on. Even if there's more to the backstory, who says that we are privy to know?
She's scared and needs advice so let's not kick her when she's down.

It's time you learned rule number one of GreekChat: the woman is never right and the man is never wrong. If a woman is attacked, stalked raped -- it's her fault and she asked for it one way or another.

This is exactly what happened to me. Completely out of the blue I noticed this guy was everywhere I was. I thought that he might have classes near my classes and might be on a similar schedule. I really didn't give it too much thought until the day that he approached me and said some extremely strange things about knowing me and seeing me everywhere. He knew where, what, when, and with whom I had eaten the previous day. He knew where and when my classes were. "I see you everywhere, all the time, and you don't even notice." He said a few more things and had a very weird look on his face. It frightened me and my friend so she pulled me away because I was in shock and didn't know what to do.

The next few days I did notice him everywhere staring at me in a weird way. I asked some friends what they thought. Interestingly, my female friends thought that he might just have a crush, but my male friends told me to file a report with security. A few of them offered to go with me and file the report. Thank goodness security took this seriously and gave me some great advice.

The truth is I don't know if I was ever in danger, but I really didn't want to find out the hard way. I alerted the proper people in order to prevent something violent from happening and just in case anything happened they knew where to look.

Good luck, gamer girl. It seems like that's a really stressful and difficult situation for you and your friends. I hope that it is resolved soon.

. . . and while we're pissing on the topic (and the intelligence of this site's users), I want gamer_girl to understand that she should take some of James's post in earnest.

Specifically, you have received some great advice (and have done well acting on it by filing a report, regardless of other circumstances), by folks who have experience and training in this sort of situation.

Also, as James inferred, make sure you follow up with the police and keep tabs on any promised actions (ie don't just rely on words). Not to belittle law enforcement efforts or campus police, but you should hold them to a high standard and for your own protection, play an active role in anything pertaining to your health and safety. The police will understand and be supportive as long as you handle it calmly and in good intent.

I wouldn't paint responses with that broad of a brush. Time and time again there have been many people who have come onto the board with issues like this, and for the most part they have gotten kind and contructive advice on issues such as this.

I think your post was referring to James'...it seems like he gave some solid advice.

Overall, I feel like good advice was given.

That said: Gamer_girl, I hope everything turns out ok. Never having been stalked, I'm not sure of what the appropriate measures would be, but it seems like people on this thread have given good advice. Once again, I hope everything turns out ok.

I'd really love to discuss this more, but I've got a roast in the oven.

Maybe you can bring the baby over tomorrow after Days? I made bunt cake!

This sounds like it could really be a whole other thread. Now, I wouldn't consider myself dense, but is Greekchat really an environment where the victim is, for lack of better word, "victimized" by the general GC public?

I'll have to ask my husband about that and get back to you.

have him douse your bra, while he's at it, it appears to be on fire and i'd hate for you to burn out on greekchat when there are still so many fights left.


you should really direct your efforts toward, y'know, affecting the people performing the behavior you are fighting, rather than mucking this (relatively serious) thread. I even started a new one for you.

How come none of this EVER happens to the Sistahs on GC?

--AKA_Monet

Because we are crazy enuf to blow a MF's head off! Or pour hot grits on his lap while he arouses from his deep sleep...

well I have appreciated people commenting so far...overall I'm trying to make sense of most of it myself really...

if anyone wants to discuss this in more detail, just pm me

more than anything, I'm just worried since his friends supposedly are "out to redeem colin" and think that since I whined or told then *I* am the one with the problem

have you considered
 

choosing a different college to go to in the fall? in a perfect world, you shouldn't have to, but it's not a perfect world, and your safety should be uppermost in your decision on whether you return to your college or not.

My mom told me to think about that...she's scared of me returning to that college. But really, that's where I want to be and they have a great program for my major.

I guess a part of me would also feel like he "won" if I didnt come back.

More like YOU win if you're not too scared to go to school AND do well.