What if you never get married?
 

I'm noticing more and more comments young women make here and there involving getting married and/or having kids someday. I'm not trying to pick on anyone at all, but examples include saying something like I don't want to get a tattoo that could be visible in a wedding dress, or I don't want to get something monogrammed because I'll get married and change my name someday (and by "I" I don't mean me, of course, lol).

But what if it never happens? Sure, most people get married, but it's not guaranteed. What if you don't meet the man of your dreams? Will you settle for someone who's just okay because getting married is so important, or would you rather be single until and unless you meet someone so awesome you can't imagine spending the rest of your life without him? Isn't it presumptuous to assume it will happen?

The same goes for having kids. "When I have kids I'll..." is fine and all, but what if you don't? How can anyone assume it will happen? What if you never meet the right person, or what if one of you can't have kids? Will you adopt? What will you do?

I don't mean to be raining on anyone's parade, but it seems troubling that young women are putting so much thought into some future thing that might or might not ever happen. Yes, chances are, you will get married someday, but if you're not even dating someone you might want to marry now, why even think about it or plan for it?

Re: What if you never get married?
 

No but seriously...it's almost like planning for any aspect of your future. Of course you have more control over things like your career, but I'm sure most people have a vague idea of where they want to be in 10, 20, whatever years. Almost nothing will go exactly as planned, if you don't find someone to spend your life with, can't have kids, don't get a job in your field, you adjust and go on.

I agree. It's kind of like saying middle schoolers should be discouraged from talking about "when I go to college..." because they might not get in.

I've seen a couple disturbing posts ("I really thought I'd be married by the time I was 23...") but really, it comes down to what you want for YOURSELF. Granted, that's not what I want for *me*, but, well, that's why I'm not them.

I think it's important to keep in mind, too, that the women's lib movement is about CHOICES. Getting married, having kids, and staying home with the kiddos shouldn't be looked on as flying in the face of hundreds of years of effort to attain equal rights for women. It's just one more option you have -- just like staying single and working 100 hour weeks as a CEO, or anything in between.

I thought this way when I was younger too. I think it's fairly natural unless you've been raised in a very untraditional environment. I used to say "I'm not going to get married until I'm 25!!"...the thought being of course, that 25 was sooooooooo old and I certainly would have done all the living I had to do by then, but this sounded so rebellious to me as I grew up with most of the people in my immediate orbit being married by age 22.

You grow out of it eventually as you go on with life, or you should - unless you want to be miserable because you didn't do so and so by so and so age.

I haven't seen anything on here that made me think people were putting UNDUE stress on it. Hell, it crossed my mind at age 15 that "shoot, I'm not going to be able to wear my monogrammed sweater when I get married." Things cross your mind and you have to remember that a lot of things that used to be solely internal end up on the internet these days. :)

I have a feeling a lot of girls on this discussion board will never be proposed to so I'm thinking of setting up a mail-order groom service. Your grooms may come from Ghana, Russia, and Thailand.

-Rudey

If I never get married, I'm going to becoming a crazy old lady with lots of cats.

But seriously, like Lil' Hannah said, if it doesn't work out they way you planned/wanted then you adjust.

Oh, I totally agree that it's all about choices -- to me, feminism (ooh, I'll go there) is about supporting women to do whatever they want, no matter what that is, whether it's working or having kids or being a trophy wife or whatever. The thing that I think bothers me, though, is young women saying "I can't do X or Y because someday I'll get married..." I don't know.

I guess I'm just odd, lol. I was raised by two parents who are still married and vote republican, in the suburbs -- there was absolutely nothing untraditional about my life. However, it never even occurred to me to think about when I got married or when I had kids. I guess it's just me, and not everyone else. ;) I suppose I find the whole "when I get married" thing kind of fascinating because it's sort of foreign to me.

Will you buy the cats from the pet store or just feed the homeless ones outside and gradually start feeding them inside your house until they finally are yours?

I think my mail-order groom business may work better than cats for you.

-Rudey
--Just give it a chance

I will definitly be adopting the strays. I just don't think your mail order groom would be for me. Remember, I'm going for crazy here. What can your groom offer me?

Cat food?

That's true.

Lady Pi Phi I believe it makes perfect sense. You can be a crazy old lady with lots of cats and a mail order groom who will buy cat food!

-Rudey

This is a great topic. I was talking to my mom about this just yesterday, mainly because the boyfriend who I thought "was IT" and I broke up on Sunday. I don't need a man to complete me, but I honestly do hope and pray that some day I will be married. I'm a very loving and affectionate person and I want to have someone to share that with, someone who is madly in love with me. I know that's a little fairy talish (my new word of the day, talish) but that's how I am. However, if I never do get married, I will see it as an opportunity to do many other fun and exciting things with my life. Maybe go on a trip to Eastern Europe with a friend, or go teach somewhere overseas, or something else exciting. I will not be devestated, but I honestly do hope that I get married. I want to have kids and a family. :)

Of course I dream about walking down the aisle and my first child, but I a part of me is always wondering whether I actually will ever find that man that will love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am. Without a crystal ball, I can't answer that question, but I'm still optimistic enough to still dream about that day.

I would like to think that i will get married someday- but I think awhile ago i realized that this might never happen. I've kind of resigned myself to this fact... my friends just think its me on a depressed pity party- but i know that it might be true.. i'm just trying to be real... so... i definately agree...

You know, it just might work.

Hmm. That is a difficult question. I don't know what I'd do. I mean, I definitely want to have a family of my own someday, like the one I grew up in (but better!). Anyway it turns out I will do whatever makes me happy and keeps me fulfilled.

I would throw myself into my work and make sure that Rudith has to keep taking tests.

I never really wanted to get married. I just want to be the star of a party and get lots of presents.

Maybe you should have a bat mitzvah?

Maybe you can marry yourself.

Thank you for your honesty.I have a friend who is getting married,who isn't in love with the man in the least but is allowing him and his parents to help pay for their hugely elaborate wedding.


I'm like you though Tracy,I have never had any desire to be married ever.As I get older,it sounds even less appealing.Quite frankly,looking at my married friends,I'm not sure how many of them are all that happy.

But that's what a wedding is all about, for the bride! The groom is just incidental.

:p

im in the not when but if it happens boat. if it happens, it happens, but in the mean time, i've got to get through college and grad school, and those are bigger concerns to me than marriage.

i'm planning on keeping my last name (i have awsome initials, in my own opinion), so i can still use my monograms and whatnot.

ps - valkyrie - you're not odd ;) i grew up in the suburbs (of chicago) in a very republican community, in the "traditional" family, and i feel the same way

I was joking about the presents. I guess that I should have added this ;) little smilie or an lol.

I am not married. I don't know if marriage is in my future or not, and I'm not going to stop living my life on my terms just in case. My advice is if you want a monogram or a tattoo, get it. (Tattoos aren't my taste, but that's a different story.) I have a few other thoughts on the subject, but I'll add them later.

It's a bit silly to plan things revolving around something that might or might not happen. It's one thing if you're engaged or in a serious relationship that looks like it's headed that way, to be thinking, say, "maybe I won't buy that monogrammed item yet because I'll be getting married and changing my name soon", but if your potential future spouse isn't even on the horizon, why limit yourself because you "might" get married someday?

Sorry.Didn't know you were kidding.:)

Sadly,I do know there are women who do get married for exactly that reason though.

What if the sky falls? Who knows, maybe some of these people who are talking about getting married now won't want to when they finally get older.

No problem. :)

AND I went to Iowa too (I'm assuming you do since you're a Hawkeye). ;)

My now bf asked me before we started dating "So do you have your wedding all planned out, like most women do?"

I truthfully told him no. I didn't dream as a kid of getting married, having a wedding, etc etc and so on.

I went through a phase where I was concerned I was never going to find anyone in general. But now that I am dating someone seriously, marriage is the last thing on my mind. I've never actually thought about planning my OWN wedding. I've looked through magazines that my roommate had and checked out wedding coordinator sites, but they have all been to get ideas for everyone else's wedding. (I am trying to become an event planner.) I research that stuff to see what is neat for other people, but I have no ideas for myself. I don't really want to think about planning my own wedding because I'm just not so eager to get married and close that "chapter" in my life yet... if at all. My grandparents may say differently. But marriage? Meh...

And it is a health risk for me to have kids, so the whole having kids thing is out of the question. Adopting kids maybe... but I don't think I will have "biological children."

AMEN!

It's just like people who say "when I retire I'm going to travel".

I may or may not get married. Who knows, and I don't really worry about. I think the only times I think about it are when someone on here brings up a question like this. Even I find a man I love, I might not marry him maybe we'll just live together. Marriage is a piece of paper. It means nothing if you don't love the other person.

I like my freedom. I can go where I want, when I want, with who I want. It only took me about 45 minutes to do everything I needed to do to leave for a New Year's Party. There was no sitter to wait for, no kids to take care of, no husband.

I never really planned on kids (my female health history in my family isn't in my favor) so now I've gotten to where I don't want them. I have enough friends who have them and quite a few who have none.

I love the P-n-C book on love. :)

I figure, if I'm not married fine, I'll have a Boyfriend or a Not-Boyfriend and things will still be peachy. And if either of those aren't in the picture well fine then too. I've done enough things 'on my own' to feel that I could make it the rest of my life happy and satisfied with a man or without.

HOWEVER, I can't help but think about how I was always pretending as a little girl to be a wife. I was never a teacher, a princess, a ballerina, etc when we played pretend, I was the happy homemaker and that's where I've always seen my life going. I figure that if it doesn't happen I stay in my chosen profession and be 'mommy' to more NYC kids who need a good teacher/mom figure in their life.

I'd be really sad if I didn't get married. I really want a family and a husband. That's something that is very important to me. I want to have a career, but I would like to eventually have children as well. Some people can be perfectly happy being single or just dating someone, but I'd like to be married someday.

My old roomate is convinced she will never get married, so when she graduates, gets a real job, and moves into a sweet house she bought with her own money, she's going to have a housewarming party. She can get all the gifts one would get at a wedding/bridal shower, without the pesky 45 pairs of thong underwear that will never be worn. (Seriously, a friend who got married a few months ago said she had yet to wear a single piece of lingere that she got at her shower).

I can believe that. Most showers that I have been to, where lingerie was the gift, was either seriously fugly or the wrong size, or just blech.

If only we could have both!

I know I can have both. I never said I couldn't I just said I want a career AND eventually children.

All I meant was that it can be very difficult to have both.

No doubt....but a bazillion woman do it anyway!:D