Regional Dating Differences
 

Hey everyone - I was talking to friends last night about the engagement rings thread and they chalked up the different attitudes on the thread to being regional differences towards dating and relationships.

I come from Northern Jersey and my family was born and bred in Queens. I went to college in Pittsburgh and some of the attitudes towards men, marriage, and dating were some like I had never even heard before. I had a sorority sister explain to me that she had never thought that she wouldn't be married by the time she was 23. I was shocked to hear that this attitude even still exists - and then, as I spent more time in W. PA I realized that she wasn't the only woman with this belief. People there will get married even if they're just starting out, with very little money. I come home and none of my friends believe they are close to being married. We all view marriage as a 'last step' if you will. You don't get married, then figure out finances and adulthood with your partner - you come to a stable place in your career, get money for a house, a wedding, pay off loans, finish grad school, then you get engaged and get married. If you will, you figure out adulthood on your own, then marry your partner. I have friends from college that are engaged and still in school, and have a long engagement planned, then a marriage before figuring out their careers. My NJ and NY friends who are in long relationships and fully intend to get married, when you ask them if they're going to get engaged soon, they reply, we don't have enough money. We need to start saving and stablize our careers.

And dating in NYC is supposed to be brutal but I love it. Probably because I am not conscientiously looking for a mate but looking for a relationship that will get me to a point emotionally where I will be ready for a mate.

All right, what do you all think??? Crazy NY talk?

I had planned to be married with at least two babies by 25. It didn't happen! I was really upset but I've rethought it now. My great-uncle recently called me an "Old Maid" and he wasn't trying to be mean. Of course, we're Southern...deeeeep...so women are expected to be married.

Very true. People in the south do tend to marry at younger ages. Actually, I feel like some what of an old maid myself. I have several friends who either just became engaged, or just got married. It makes me feel like I'm behind everyone else and that I need to be looking for a husband, and i'm only 21!

I don't know if it's just the values I was raised with, but I also expected to be married by the time I hit 25 (unless some guy sweeps me off my feet in the next five months, that's not going to happen! :D) Ironically enough, a number of my friends here in California feel the same way, so I don't know if we're "exceptions" (because my perception is that Californians, at least So Cal-ers, aren't in any hurry to get married) or my view of Southern Californians' view of dating and relationships is skewed. :)

Maybe it's that buried Midwesterner inside of me ;)

Honestly, where I grew up (Chicago) nobody ever talked about or worried about getting married, period. I never had any of my friends say that they hoped to be married by X age or that they wanted to do anything before getting married -- it was really a non-issue. To me, it always seemed like the kind of thing that would happen when it happens or not, but there's no point in worrying about it or planning for it.

None of my Philadelphia friends are anywhere CLOSE to being engaged or married. We're all 21/22 and we still feel like we're practically teenagers! I think its amazing that so many of my sisters are engaged with wedding dates set already. (Freshman year, one of my pledge sisters my age already had a huge rock on her finger....incidentally its still there almost 4 years later, so good for them...)

I dont see myself married until late in my 20s and then no kids until I'm in my 30s. I dont want to struggle financially in my married life!

I think it isn't just regional but also cultural. There was an article in the New York Times a few weeks ago about Russian American brides who were like 21 years old (and still in college). To me, 21 is way, way, way too early. My cousin is going on 27 and will be married next Christmas. Her fiance just turned 25. To me, that's still a little too young!

I got married at 30-something--first timer...

It is the trend that college educated folks wait until their late 20's or early 30's to get married.

And Polarpi, SoCal dating is a sport... How many different persons can you date within a week (day or hour :)) is the name of the game... Especially when you are in your 20's... It just gets creepy when your 35ish or nearing 40 and you still are chasin' tail like you're in your 20's--but that's what plastic surgery is for in the great (mental) state of California... Ironically, in your mid to late 30's, you date all the divorcees but kids might be attached to that, so if you don't want strings, guess again...

If you want any quasi-settle downing dates outta SoCal, you can either leave, date other ethnic groups (maybe), or move to Orange County, near Riverside... But even then, folks still like to play and you are egding towards Vegas...

Thanks for the summary :D

Obviously I live in the wrong area of the country! :p

Ditto where I'm from. I think I know one (?) couple from high school who's married now, at 21-22, and they've been dating since middle school anyway, so it's not that big of a surprise.

That said, I know a handful of people who are living together. I do think that in areas of the country where traditional morals are less of an issue and everybody's not all up in your business judging you, people aren't in such a rush to get married when they know they can just move in together and it'll be less of a problem if/when (usually WHEN) the marriage ends.

It's funny...where I grew up, most of the girls, regardless of socioeconomic background, are married by the time they're 24--if they stick around the South. Those of us who left, either for or after college, aren't. My parents and family members aren't the ones hounding me about getting married; in fact, they want me to establish my career and become a little more financially independent before getting married. It's the Southern Belle friends of the family who ask every time I come home. I'm like, "I'm still in grad school! I see the difficulties my married classmates have juggling family and 19-hour semesters! MUNCHKIN IS NOT GETTING MARRIED BEFORE SHE HAS A JOB!" Wait till I tell 'em that, when I do get married, my last name is staying the same! :eek:

Very few of my college friends are even in serious relationships; actually, there were more post-graduation breakups that engagements. I know a handful of people who got married after college--but they were the ones who dated their HS sweetheart all through college, or they had religious reasons to marry young, or their husbands were considerably older.

So...what is it about Southern "culture" that encourages marriage before financial stability and life experience?

While I am a generation earlier (or two) than most of you, the pressure was definitely there for my peer group. Most of us married someone we met in college, about a year after graduating. Those who didn't go to college got married earlier. There was definitely pressure in the Italian culture. When I attended a second cousins' high school graduation party, (I graduated the same year), her dad asked me "So, you are graduated too, when are you getting married?". My mom saved me by saying "We have to check out these men and make sure they're good enough for her". He replied "You wan't anybody checked out, you let me know"... lol. We suspect he's in a "family" business.

Here's the way I see it, in my area anyway: One of my grandmothers was married at 16, one was married at 17. My mom was a rare woman who went to college and she quit after two years to marry my dad (age 21). I finished college and got a job, then got married (age 24). I figure my daughter will finish college, grad school, maybe her PhD (she's a bright gal!) and then get married after her career is very firmly established. (probably 28-30).

The age gets later and later as women develop higher career goals and expectations.

I definately think there is pressure in certain cultures. However, my (Italian) great-grandfather had four daughters, then a son three years later the fourth. Each daughter worked right after high school graduation and each had a specialized skill - my grandmother worked for years as a dress maker and my other great aunts all worked in offices. Over his dead body did any man come to him to ask for his daughter's hand if they were involved in any 'family business.' He had seen enough women left to fry in various states over his time and his daughters were not being left like that. I think part of the reason he was so adamant about this stability in his daughters' lives was because there were four of them!

Around here, if anyone's engaged in their early twenties, people immediately give them this weird look and ask about their financial stability.

There are definitely regional differences as to when women are expected to be married and having children (and it seems to be mainly women who get the questions).

I'm from the Northeast US, and some people were very surprised when I got engaged at age 21. My dad actually told me, when I was 19 or so, that I wasn't allowed to date anyone until I had my doctorate. :rolleyes: (Like he could stop me! :p ) He felt I should be done with college and financially stable before thinking about marriage and kids. And - by our choice - we did wait until after we were done with college before getting married.

Of course, now that I'm in my late twenties and we've been married for a few years and are financially stable, my dad is all like "why aren't you pregnant yet?" :rolleyes:

What's with this that people think you can't be financially stable in your early twenties?

Being stable is one thing...but I think when people use that term they mean much more than just stable. They want someone banking.

I live in Southeastern Ohio and the average engagement-marrying age is around 18 to 20. I'm late by a year :rolleyes: You get engaged in high school and then get married before or during your normally shortened college years. Then, either during college or if you actually graduate college you already have 1-2 kids.

My town is very split - I have a lot of friends who went to college to get their MRS and are getting married next summer right after graduation. The rest of us are off to professional school (mostly med, a few law) and know we aren't getting married for a few more years, by which we mean 5 or 10.

and

I think highly-educated women marry at different ages, young and old--some not at all. I am not willing to bet the "house" on the fact that highly-educated women are doomed to be spinsters...

I am in my mid-late 30's and have never been pregnant. I think the issue was mine to determine. Not really my family's. Oh yeah, I had all the pressure in the world the minute I graduated from college and got a Master's degree. But it was mainly my father that told me I had to get my Ph.D. because he wanted me financially set and not reliant on any man...

However, I have been approached by men with a lot of money, millionaires, and I have rejected them because of what they wanted to do as their "girlfriend"--not even to "engage" me or for me to be their wife.

So as far as stability goes, I think it is important the both in a maritial relationship ought to be finanically fit--like no one is short of being homeless, with no job, no teeth and not clean with matted hair... And that they need to be mental stable. Because life's too short to be dealing with some lunatic's idiosyncracies at any length in time...

I guess the best advice one can give those newly engaged is:...

It takes a lot more for two twenty-somethings in New York/DC/LA/SF/Chicago/Boston to be financially stable than it does in West Virginia.

Now that I'm on a collision course on that not-so-magical over the hill age of 40 (on Monday), it's also a matter of personal preference as well.

My mother married young at 21, divorced at 25 and never remarried. My father took five tries (Mom was his second marriage) before he finally settled down. I've seen one too many family members and friends go through failed marriages at least once or twice for me to carefully tread the waters before committing to marriage. If the opportunity for me to get married happens, I'll be happy to take the plunge; if it doesn't happen in the near future or at all, I'm not going to worry too much about it at this day and age.

The old man, like a good New York Irish Catholic, is still hoping for 'true' grandchildren one of these days (he has to be content right now with step-grandchildren for now). None of his three children (my younger brother, half-brother and myself) are married.

Don't give me that BS that since I'm from WV that I have no idea what things are like outside of this state.

Things may cost more there, but you make more money at the same jobs.

I have to agree with AlphaSigOU. If it happens, it happens; if not, that's ok too.

My parents met in high school, and were married and divorced twice (yes, they re-married and re-divorced each other) so I have seen my share. Several of my good friends were married young and stayed married for a long time, only to divorce later.

Some people have said that I am so smart that I scare men off, but I don't buy that because I really like smart men who wouldn't let something like that bother them.

I was in a realllly loooong term relationship and that took a lot out of me when it ended. I would never say never, though. You can't tell what might happen.

There are still some ethnic communities in Pittsburgh where early marriage is desirable. However, you have to realize that many many many of the people who go to college in Pittsburgh ARE NOT FROM Pittsburgh. Many of them are from small towns where there isn't anything else to do but marry and procreate. When they hear about all their HS friends getting married of course they'll have the same mindset.

It's not as scary $$ wise to get married at a young age if you live in the same place as your entire extended family and have known the entire town since birth. People are going to cut you some slack if you can't pay the rent on time or whatever. You'll probably end up getting a job from someone you know. You might buy a family friend's house at a greatly reduced cost. Not that I am saying you should get married at 21, but it's hella different than being on your own in NYC and having to find a job/place to live.

As far as being "financially stable" I don't think that's as important as coming to an agreement on how your finances will be handled. I gotta agree w/ Coramoor, a lot of girls who say "I want someone financially stable" mean they want someone who will buy them whatever they want. :rolleyes:

I dont think anyone said that since you are from WV that you dont know what goes on outside of your state. Maybe I missed something there, but what Munchkin said is true.

There is a higher cost of living in certain areas.

But those areas are also more urban which both can impact when someone gets married, plus on the whole more go to higher education as well.

In smaller communities and more rural areas, people do get married younger. I dont think there is anything wrong with this, its what they are use to and most are happy.

As far as regionally, I have had a lot more pressure even with going away to school to get married younger than some of my other friends. A lot of my friends are engaged/married already. My exboyfriend however, was from the philly area and he thought it was crazy to even think about marriage at that age.

Hmmm.... Interesting...
 

I do find it interesting that most folks on the east coast and mid-west get married at younger ages than in Southern California...

I guess the SoCal climate is such that you don't want any lunatic to take your stuff that it would be unwise to get married unless you sign a prenuptual agreement, or a covenant marriage...

Portapotties in SoCal cost half a million dollars. And Vega$ is owned and operated by LA County--in fact, it is LA County!!! :rolleyes:

So, the commitment to marriage and family and other things are a bit skewed in SoCal...

Good thing I don't live there anymore... But where I live, they don't support marriage and families in general... Lack of commitment rules the streets out where I am now...

I'm not really sure what kind of pressure there is to marry around here. I'm from a small country town in Maryland, and there are definitely people I graduated with that are married with a kid already (and I'm 19). My mom married my dad when she was 20 and he was 22, and they're still together but my mom always tells me and my sister that she was way too young when she got married. So there isn't any family pressure coming in!

Butttt my grandmother seems to think I should get married any day now. I dated someone last year (my first love) and my grandmother always used to ask me and my mom if he was "the one" because I was getting older.. I was 18! And then my other grandmother always tells me to avoid the Italian boys (even though she and my grandmother are 100% Italian, so go figure).

I'd ultimately like to be married by the time I'm 23, 24 at the latest. I want to have children when I'm young because my mom had me when she was 33 and I don't wanna be that old!

I don't know about the rest of the country, but in Florida its a bit different I think. I think people here get married when they feel like they're ready, not when someone or some class of people says its acceptable. I know people who got married at 16, 17, 18 yrs old and are still happily married...some of them have children and some don't. They have successfull careers, nice houses, drive really nice cars and appear to be the model American family. I also know people who never married until they were 30 or so and by the time they reached 40 yrs old they've been married 3 times with 3 kids from 3 different dads. I think here people do it when they really want to. I agree that being set in your career and having a nice chunk of change before you marry is a good idea. However, I also think waiting that long and doing that could, at the same time, take some of the fun and memorable experiences you go through while young away from the two of you. Some of the funniest stories I hear from my parents are when they had nothing together, when they just started out and had basically nothing but good credit..like days when the two of them lived off of hamburger helper and chicken. I remember them telling me that T-bone steaks were considered a really special dinner...lol. I laugh so hard at times because I see where they are now and I cannot picture the two of them going through that. I think that if you go into it together while either of you isnt really well off, then money isnt an issue. If you don't really have a lot then there's no reason to fight over it.

I always said I'd marry before I turned 26, I just turned 25 and I don't see it happening within a year. As far as pressure goes, I think my mom is the only person pressuring me. Her mother, my olma, does it sometimes but not very often. All she does is bitch about me not having a German girl in mind to marry. She thinks I shouldn't mix outside our ethnic background (she'd have a heartattack if she knew where my dick has been). My mother pressures me because she wants grandchildren before she gets too old to play with them and do things with them, selfish reasons if you ask me. My father, on the other hand, tells me to wait awhile. He thinks the longer I wait the better. He's looking at it from a money aspect. He looks at it like this; first you get the money and then you get the ultra-hot breeder. Problem is, he has no problem with a guy being 35 and marrying a 25 yr old hottie. Personally, I don't want 10 yrs between me and the spouse. So, that leaves me thinking.....do it when you feel ready. If you wait till you have enough money then you'll never get married and have kids. I think things never go as planned in the game of life and you make the best of what is given to you. How you react to whats thrown your way determines the person you are, the same applies to marriage.

I remember when my dad said to me, "Michelle, it's too late for you, but your sister will proabably meet the man she marries in college." :eek: way too funny-- but i think he was going off the expectations of his own generation, not mine.

Haay? I am way past 33 years old and don't have a kid yet... So how is that too old???

The irony is, there is a window of "reproductive opportunity". If you google for the "infertility sites", they charge $10K upwards to isolate human eggs... So, if nunna y'all want to get pregnant until way after 35 and you are like 22 y/o and have not chance of sex, go on ahead and get your eggs saved... You can also sell your eggs for a nice chunk of change--starts at $5K...

Sweetheart, that is about the wisest post I have ever read from you...

I guess your Dad sees it like this: Do you want a similarly aged woman that will have a biological time bomb going off when you turn 30-somethingish? Or do you want a manipulateable pretty young thang that needs a suga-daddy? Remember, you now have Viagra if you have a problem when you are older...

I was born and raised in WV (although my dad is from PA and we now live in PA) and no one in my family wants me to get married for a long time. All the women in my family had at least 1 kid by the time they were 20.

They all tell me to just wait because I will end up much happier. I just look at as it'll happen when it happens but I'd like to be married before I'm 23.

Monet, you're feelin me girl. ;)

I'm sorry if I offended you! I'm only 19 so anyone above 30 is old to me! I always just feel like whenever I say how old my parents are, my friends' parents are like 5 years younger than mine. I know the age for having kids is getting pushed back more and more.

Oh, dear.

Sweetheart,

30-something is when a woman reaches her prime in life. Everything becomes clearer... And if she's working, she has a little spending money--for that jet set trip to Frankfurt party or Paris shopping--with the cute young thang named "Hans" or "Pierre". She sometimes has a villa, chateau or NYC condo...

If she's not working and has been a housewife all this time, she now knows how to handle things and starts doing thangs--her kids are old enuf to take care of some thangs in the house. She goes to grad school and finish 3 degrees if she has to. And starts clockin' her own business...

Most 30 year old women just get started going on... By the time they are 40--it is on, lak hott budda popcone... And they know about the "spin move" for men... And aren't afraid to use it, with new Kama Sutra positions with sets of nine and hit several Tantric chakras--all at the same time...

A 19 to early 20-something is barely broken in... And if they are at that age, whew, they will look and feel 90 years old by the time they are 30... And these youngins barely know where's it at... Yeah, they look cute and all on a pedophiles arm because they can wear that teenie bopper stuh still, but they can't flash up in Cache's and make the new playboy, hustler honey or FCUK tees be a fashion statement at the same time...

And one thing you NEVER want to do is have your elder boyfriend around a 30-something year old woman in heat... Because that is the quickest way to lose him...

You can call us 30-somethings up in GC old... But gwirlfriend, we all can take your man, married or not, and leave y'all runnin' home cryin' to yo mama...

(I am not offended... Most of my students are your age and shocked when they figure out how old I am... Then the little boys start being fresh with me... Most of what I said is of course to make you laugh... I am just like that... I got jokes like that there...)

AKA_MONET IS AWESOME. :D

Damn, Damn, Damn. You sound like the 30 yr old that broke my ass in when I was 20.

Hey! Hey! AKA_Monet, hats off to you, Girl!

Girl, you are awesome.

DITTO!