How should I have handled this situation?
 

this is going to be long (like most of my post are)... here it goes...

So I've had a crush on this guy, we'll call him "Caleb" since about October. I've seen him around my church but we have never been introduced, however I had done some investigating to find out his name, age, and other things. Friday night we had a Christmas party for the college aged students at our church. We ended up both being there, but before I got there somone who knew I like him, went up and told him that the only reason I came to the college student stuff was b/c I thought he would be there. Of course he wanted to know who I was. My friend "amanda" introduced us when I got there and I ended up sitting by him during dinner and the activites that followed. He made a comment to me about how quiet I was being (i'm always quiet around guys I like). Before he left he told Amanda that i had "Potential" I just needed to talk more.
Amanda and I had plans to go out after the party so we had asked Caleb what he was doing. He had another party to attend then he was going to one of the bars. Amanda and I ended up going to a different bar first then she had to go home. So I called another girl I met recently but I don't really know all that well. she goes to my church too and said she was planning on going out that night too and we could go wherever I wanted to so of course I wanted to go where caleb was going to be.
When we got there it was kind of dead, but I went ahead and had a drink. Before caleb got there I had a margarita, long island iced tea, and a sex on the beach. Both the Tea and S.O.T.B. were STRONG! Needless to say I was pretty sloshed at that point. As I'm coming out of the bathroom I run into Caleb. He was on his way to the bar to get a drink. We spoke for a min. (can't remember what I said), then he went off to get a drink. I returned to my table. Before he could leave the bar some girl more drunk than I was practically attacked him, and he danced with her the rest of the night. I saw him try to walk away several times, but she just kept grabbing his arm.
Well in my drunken state I was so over dramatic about the whole situation! The girl I went to the bar with started talking with some guy. His roommate started talking to me. For some reason I got it into my mind that I was going to have a random hookup that night. So I told my friend I was going home with the guy (we'll call him "Rob" since I don't really remember his name")... I'm not sure what his intial reaction was when I told him that I was going home with him, but most guys don't refuse!
Anyway, I ended up back at his apartment, we had our fun, then when I woke up in the morning he drove me to where my car was. Thank god he was still cute when I woke up the next morning! This was my first (and probably last) random hookup and I don't even remember his first name. He could remember where I used to go to school, b/c he asked me when I was going back there as I got out of his car. I said "i'm not" (cause I'm transfering to the college here in my hometown) "bye" and shut the car door.

There are two big issues with this whole thing...

#1... Caleb is a virgin. I'm sure all of the "potential" I had is now gone IF he saw me leave to go and hookup with that guy. The bar we were at wasn't very big, we were all there until the bar shut its doors, and I wasn't exactly being quiet about the whole ordeal.

#2.... I can't get random guy out of my head. It wasn't necessarily great sex. I've had better, plus he was on the VERY small side. BUT I felt some kind of connection with him when I was talking to him. He was so sweet when I woke up the next morning. Clearly he didn't regret it since he wanted to go at it again, i was majorly hung over so I declined. I don't know if I'll ever see him again though considering I don't the even know his name... hmm, maybe I shoulda asked him before I drove away.

So should I just let random guy stay forever random, or should I try to find him?

I don't know what to tell you about your situation, but I have to say that I find it kind of funny/ironic/something that a church event led to a one night stand? :eek: :eek: :eek:

I'm totally lost as to what you are asking?

You wanted the Caleb dude, but you didn't say much at church when you had your chance...

Then you found your way to a bar, got pissy drunk...

Then you hooked up with "no name" dude while "Caleb" dude was watching...

So what are you asking?

That, you should feel bad about a one night stand with "no name" dude because Caleb is a "virgin"?

You've got some issues gwirlfriend...

Never try to find Random Guy. Random hookups are just that and are best appreciated as such. If you're really interested in Caleb, you might as well see if there's any potential with him. Don't eliminate the possibility because you're afraid he might not approve of your behavior -- he might not, but who knows.

Dani, I do find the church thing funny as hell too. ;)

I'm confused.

You are/were interested in a guy who you "know" to be a virgin, yet you figured out that the way to his heart was by having a random hook-up with a stranger? Then you ask people on a message board how you should have handled the situation?

You really don't want people to be honest with you, do you?

1) Caleb doesn't really know that you hooked up with that guy for the night. He only knows you left together. He also doesn't know if that guy is your cousin, your best friend, your best friend's brother, whatever. You also don't know who the drunk girl was that he was dancing with. You also don't really know whether or not he's a virgin. Only he and every woman he's ever dated know that. If Caleb wants to date you, he will ask you out. If he doesn't, he won't. Period. Nothing to lament over.

2) If random hook up guy wanted to see you again he would have asked you how he could contact you. I've never known a man to regret to getting laid, unless the woman he hooked up with ends up being a psycho stalker who put more meaning into the random hookup than he did and she then expects a relationship.

Chalk it all up to a learning experience and move on.

I agree moving on and learning from it is the best thing in this situation. I would also evaluate your drinking behaviors and your needs to be with a guy, ways you approach guys, etc. Just an observation from your post. Good luck!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA :D :D :D :D

You already know how you should have handled the situation.

If you like Boy A, you approach communication with him when sober. You don't go out and get sloppy drunk thinking it will lead to honest admission of feelings and a relationship. Nor do you make a display of hanging all over Boy B, thinking it will get Boy A's attention.

All you have done in this situation is to disrespect yourself.

And I, like others, find it ironic you would attend a church party and then go out, get wasted and have a one-night stand.

Chalk it up to a learning experience, and don't do it again. Boys don't fall in love with you for sharing your body with them over a drunk hookup. Any guy who is worth it will pursue you ... and pass the sobriety test-- that is, he shows interest in you when he's not drunk.

My best guess is that Boy A, the one you like, did not even notice you leaving with Boy B. Act responsibly in the future and move on. If you like Boy A, get to know him.

I agree with honeychile, I don't think you want us to be honest.


The thing is, if Caleb is a strict Christian who believes that staying a virgin until marriage is the way to go, than I'm not so sure you SHOULD be with him. I mean, if you're a girl who only goes to church events to meet guys, then goes out and gets drunk and has random hookups, than a strict Christian probably is not the way to go. Maybe you should find one of the guys (and there are some, trust me) that aren't so much into the church things for the actualy churching, but for meeting girls.

If there's one thing I've learned from my 99% single life, it's that don't waste your time on the guys that you have nothing in common with and cannot find anything to talk about. Those inevitably lead to miserable break-ups. Go for the guys that you find amazing things to talk about (when you're sober!!!)

I agree with AGDee...
The thing is, (okay two things) 1) maybe Caleb was so drunk that doesn't really remember either and 2) he was hanging all over some random too, so he's probably embarrassed. I also don't think he would assume you had sex with random boy, he most likely has no idea you seriously hooked it up so don't even worry about it. He probably feels like a jackass too. Next time you see him say something about that being a drunken night and he'll probably agree. If he's a jerk to you then he's too much of a judgmental ass for you to waste time worrying about it. As for random boy...don't bother with that. It wasn't your proudest moment and remember that this is all he knows about you...leave it be. :)

First off that story was so long winded and had more information than necessary that you probably lost most people after paragraph 2. All of that could have been summed up with "like a guy at church, met up with him later that night at bar, got sloppy drunk went home with someone else and now I dontknow what to do."

I cant even believe we're having this discussion...theres nothing to discuss, leave "caleb" alone forget about random guy and grow up.

damn...a little harsh, don't you think?

I haven't even noticed this person until now. One more GCer has jumped on the bitch train!

were you talking about me or her? :)

Her.

Bahahaha!

My advice: forget random guy. Talk to "Caleb" if you still want him.

On the church thing, you would be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) at the amount of hook ups that accompany church events. It's pretty funny to me. You go to church to praise God, and you end the night screaming "OH GOD!" with a stranger you picked up there. :p

I didn't know we had so many people who fell off the judgmental train. Geez y'all, lighten up a little.

Thank you!

Lets see. You are crushing on a guy and your friend tells him you are crushing on him.

He sits next to you all night and tries to make conversation which you rebuff because you personal skills don't overcome yuor stress levels in romantic situations.

You arrange to meet him out at the bar and get drunk before he gets there.

After he gets there you play it so cool that he doesn't really get a chance to talk to you.

While he is there he ends up dancing with someone you don't think he wants to be with but you get jealous and mad so decide to sleep with a random strange.

Now with this random stranger that you don't like, you have absolutely no problem talking to him and asking him to take you home for boning, even though you are unable to speak clearly to Caleb, the man you are crushing on.

Which by the way, is right out of socio-biological theory that the promiscious girl has no problem sleeping with people she doesn't feel attached to, but feels the need to withhold herself from a longterm prospect.

Ok, you did nothing wrong by sleeping with random stranger except in the context of you wanting Caleb.

In fact this is so the antithesis og trying to geta guy to like you I have to ask, Are you from the South? :p

Contrary to opinion, you going home and banging someone else from the bar doesn't impress us guys. Are we supposed to be jealous i guess? You girls do think in the strangest ways.

Those of you giving her grief . . why? Its her choice if she wants a one night stand, there is nothing immoral about it. And your judgements about boys not falling in love after drunk sex. . . well thats just stupid and shows a complete lack of knowledge about men.

My advice to you. If you want Caleb, don't bring up the bar at all. Pursue him clearly, and pretend you don't like him . . act like you don't. Remove the pressure.

We know you can seduce guys you don't like, just apply that to caleb, the maybe virgin.

For the record, I'm not judging, I just think she's barking up the wrong tree(s). I think it's so hard for us to keep our heads on straight in issues of "love" enough to step back for a second and be like, "Hmm... Do I REALLY have enough in common with this boy?" My point is, if the guy doesn't like you for who you are (granted, sleeping with another guy while you were interested in him is probably gonna be a dealbreaker for anyone... so don't TELL!) than you need to find someone else. If you're just really convinced that this guy is right, go for it... but jump feet first.

As far as the southern reference by James... I don't quite get that.

I didn't give her grief, just gave her my opinion of things. I am not judging her in any way. I also didn't say that boys don't ever fall in love after drunk sex, but I would think he'd have gotten her phone number if he was interested in seeing her again.

My post may have been harshly worded but I hate when I see women bring their own self value down in an attempt to win a guy over. Changing your beliefs or actions for a guy (ie going home with someone when you wouldnt have normally, dating a virgin when you know you might have problems with it, etc) never works in the long run.

I wasn't judging her going home with random guy, I'm by no means someone who can or will judge someone about their sex life do what you want but call it what it was - a one night stand. Like AGDee said if he wanted to see you again he would have expressed that in some shape or form. Just be smart about your actions, you live you learn and move on. Thats all I was trying to relay.

I have a story for you!

My friend and I hosted a party once upon a time. A friend of mine (Sandy) liked a boy at the party (Nate). Nate was a friend of my co-worker Jack and Jack had brought Nate and another friend to the party. Sandy started flirting with Nate and didn't seem to get much of a response. So, she moved onto the second friend. They got drunk and went home together. At the end of the night, she still preferred Nate, and tried to get him to call her. Of course, he was never going to do that because she went home with his friend.

These don't sound like issues, just endings that you're not happy with. You're asking us, should you let these sleeping dogs lie or change their outcomes so that Caleb falls in love with you and/or you find the random guy to live happily every after? Sounds a little bit like the Lady or the Tiger...

Why don't you use these two issues/endings to examine your own impulses? Obviously, you're not happy with the sex from random, so it would probably take a good, deep emotional connection to make the sex !awesome! Or a lot of communication. Do you feel like pursuing an emotional connection with a guy where you already know what the sex is like, you were not impressed, and it would take a lot of moxie and charm to own up to the fact that you don't remember his name?

Two, sex is obviously important to you. You enjoy it and have definately opinions about how it should go down (see: comments of size, etc.) Are you sure a virgin is a great match with you at this point in your life? There is absolutely nothing wrong with having sex, whether you want to get down in a relationship or a one night stand. Caleb is definately going to feel very differently about sex and all the latter bases that come before a home run. He might know nothing about what happened with you that night, but you and him might not match up when it comes to your own beliefs about sex before marriage - and these opinions are a huge part of relationship and differing opinions can be a huge stress on a relationship.

Last, if you're nervous about talking to guys that you like, and you find comfort in getting drunk, I recommend finding a balance to your two selves and letting Caleb and random be.

Yes, In fact I am from the south. Just curious though, whats that got to do with anything.

He asked me when I was returning to my college (Clemson). I'm not, I'm transferring back home next semester. He asked me that as I got out of his car and I said "I'm not" and slammed the door. I think he was about to ask for my number, but oh well....

I do enjoy sex, however I would like to have a relationship where it wasn't the most important thing. Caleb isn't a strict christian. He isn't a virgin until marriage or anything like that. He just hasn't found the right girl yet. I'm not 100% sure he is even still a virgin, I know he was last year (before I knew him) when he was seeing my friend.


Now the big update, Caleb gave my friend his number so we could call him if we were going out anytime soon before he leaves town on break, also for her to give it to me. Now the big question is to call or not to call... and what to say if I do call....

Bobby-- you ain't right for that!!! But I agree with you... Either one of these boys don't know where IT'S at...


CUGreekgirl--hey I ain't mad at you with the 1 nighter... Get you freak on if you've got a scratch that needs to be itch... I guess am skurred for you because you could have put yourself in danger with "random boy" and could have gotten hurt--that's playing with fire... Risky... Very risky...

But, you got home safely. And that was certainly nice of random guy to do that. But now you all about Caleb... And gwirlfriend, I don't know what to tell you 'bout dude... I don't care if he "rocks it like dat"--I have no beneficial words to say...

What do you want to see happen?

I really don't know. I really like Caleb, but I've always let guys treat me like crap in the past. Caleb treats girls really well, and its almost like I don't think I deserve him. I do have his number though, and have decided to wait until he gets back in town after Christmas break and give him a call. If I happen to run into random guy out somewhere, I will definitely chat with him, give him a chance to actually ask for my number instead of slamming the door in the middle of him speaking with me.

two words:










bukakke party!

I completely agree! Don't waste your time with someone who isn't going to love you for the WHOLE you. I understand that Caleb's probably a great guy, but there's a difference between great guy and great guy for YOU.

It drives me crazy when girls say they want a relationship that isn't focused on sex. BUT THEY START EVERY RELATIONSHIP WITH SEX.

Maybe you could try going on a couple dates with a guy first. It really helps with that whole "developing a relationship that isn't centered on sex" thing.

Hey, whats wrong with that? Ive banged girls from my parent's church. I got head down by the lake from one of the girls. Eventually I ended up taking one of the girl's virginity I met in church.

I remember in high school one of the main reasons we went to church on Wednesday nights was for the boys. It was a social activity and the parents trusted the people you are with. So many times - it was "mom i am going with the girls to so and so's house" We would go over to someone's house, end up partying and hooking up-- and the parents never thought twice about it-- it was a church activity after all! We had soooo much fun back then! So, church often leads to those types of activities.