"Are you a housewife?"
 

OK, I just have to vent.

This past weekend, I was at a social event. I was speaking with an older gentleman whom I hadn't met before. I asked him what he does (he's a doctor) and we chatted a bit about that, then he said to me:

"And you? Are you a housewife?"

WTF!!!!!

He couldn't have asked "What do you do?" or just left it at "And you?" leaving the door open for me to say "I'm a <fill in occupation>" or "I'm a stay-at-home-mom / homemaker". He had to ask specifically if I was a HOUSEWIFE. Does anybody even use that term any more??

*argh* :mad:

Maybe he's been watching Desperate Housewives and was hoping you were looking for a new gardener? ;)

LOL, thankfully I don't know anyone who uses the word housewife in serious conversation.

Another archaic geezer trapped in a time warp of the 1950's.

May I ask what your response to him was?

what the heck is this guy's problem? didnt he learn in gentleman school that the quickest way to end a conversation with a woman is to ask if she is a housewife? :rolleyes:

You may. ;)

I resisted the urge to rip him a new one, and instead calmly said, "No. I am a professional." And I told him that I run my own consulting business and have enough clients to keep me busy full-time.

He was very quiet after that...

I'll probably be the lone woman one this one, but I think I am more forgiving of an "older gentleman" asking such a question. Well unless, of course, your idea of "older" is 50! (In that case, he's definitely young enough to know better!) You see, people who grew up in a different time will have different ways of seeing the world. If this man is somewhere in the range of 70+ he came up in a time when women were indeed largely expected to be housewives. I, for one, am not surprised to hear about a senior citizen who is not totally "with it" in 2004. Should he have known better? Of course! Though, I wouldn't "rip him a new one". It sounds like you handled it appropriately by calmly setting the record straight. I hope you have better luck at your next social gathering!

.....Kelly :)

I agree with navane- you handled that well.
May I ask what your estimate on his age is? The transition to 2-income families being the norm was roughly 1972-1980, and finally hitting the rural areas during the farm-crisis years of the 1980s. I'd be interested to see when he retired as being a doctor he should have been aware of this transition with his patients.

Awww....don't be so hard on the ol' coot.

He probably thinks it's a man's role to ensure that he makes enough so that his wife can stay home.

(I worked with a broker who looked down on other men whose wives worked-- he thought of those men as "lesser" b/c they didn't earn enough and therefore the wives had to work too. Needless to say, the rest of the office thought he was a bit of a jacka$$.

I agree with Navane's post. Depending on the man's age, to him that may have just been what he was brought up to view as the norm. A good friend of mine was in a car accident a year ago and thank G-D she's fine now, she had about 6 surgeries so far and needed to go to the hospital for doctor's appointments a lot. One time I took her to the hospital, and while I was in the waiting room, I was knitting a scarf for a friend. An elderly man (my guess is in his 70's or 80's) came up to me as he was leaving the doctor's office and told me how nice it is to see young women doing something with their lives for a change and how seeing me knit gives him hope for the rest of us. (I kid you not.) Well seeing as he seemed rather elderly and apart from being deranged, a rather nice old man, I decided to bite my tongue and not tell him exactly what I thought of him.

OK, I must be crazy.

(1) I don't get why being called a "housewife" is so insulting. If you're a wife, and you work in the house, why is that bad? Usually the term also includes mothering, which is argueably one of the MOST important professions! Granted, when my mom was home with us kids, she taught us to ask, "Do you work in the home?" but I guess I'm just not seeing the insult factor. I think if someone asked me if I was a housewife I'd say, Yes, I have two lovely children, though I used to be a world-renown neurosurgeon (because really the poor guy's just trying to turn the topic of conversation towards learning more about you, or finding something you have in common,) OR just, "No, I'm a full-time Victoria's Secret model, though with all the traveling, sometimes staying at home sounds like a vacation!"

Point being I don't think he meant to upset you, and I don't get what's upsetting about being someone's wife, or a mom, or a woman who's lucky enough not to work. The women's lib movement was about CHOICES, not about forcing women out of the home.


(2) I like to knit too. And I'd think it was cute if some guy told me what I was doing gave him hope for my generation. Go me! Is it just me or do you guys feel like everyone HATES our generation? I work in law enforcement and the older folks here are always like, "OH, your generation is all about "me". They're always late, don't know how to deal with authority, etc." And here I'm thinking... I'm about 40 min early to work every day. And I stay late, and I skip lunch sometimes, and generally work my butt off, but what you notice is the ONE 26 year old interviewee who was 10 minutes late?

I don't get it either. :confused: I'd love to be a stay at home mom, but that's another thread. ;)

Maybe it was the way (tone, condecending voice, etc.) in which he asked the question?

Good response. You handled that exceptionally well.

For those who don't know what the insult is, it varies from person to person. I myself would have found it offensive NOT that he labeled me a housewife but that he just ASSumed I was one, as if there was no other profession in the world I was suited for.
I have nothing against housewives as I grew up with an aunt who was one. My mom was full-time so I spent a lot of time w/my aunt & have some of my most wonderful memories of my childhood w/her. Who else would have been able to take us to the Olympic Village in 1984 to see the athletes. We couldn't afford tickets to any games but just being around the area was fun enough!

"Housewife" implies you're married to the house. :) Most people prefer "homemaker" instead. I personally also prefer "homemaker" to "stay at home mom" as it's a bit less limiting.

If he's 60+, trust me, he didn't mean anything negative by it.

You all might want to be a little careful with statements like this one.

That's exactly what I did from the time our first child was born until our last one was in Middle School.

It wasn't my "role," it was our choice. Her mom (who also graduated from college -- as did her grandmother which was rare in that era) chose to stay home and raise her children. Being from a broken home, it was a foreign concept to me, but one which I quickly embraced.

We felt it was important to have a parent at home with young children. We still do if it's possible.

My wife graduated from college with honors. While she was not "working," she volunteered, including sitting on the Board of Directors of an international (81 countries) not-for-profit.

She now runs her own successful business.

As for the older gentleman involved, I doubt that he meant to be offensive. Depending on his age, it was probably how he was taught to consider the world.

Things are different now. They may even be better. Probably are. But they also may not. Time will be the judge of that.

Is that an option? Cause I might like to marry a house more than I'd like to marry a guy. Guys are a lot of committment.

My goal in life is to make a fortune & have my future hubbie become a "Mr. Mom"

Yes, it was a mutual choice...there are men, probably around your age or maybe even younger, who do feel like it's the man's role to provide for his family without his wife having to work, and would probably feel like a lesser man if, for whatever reason, his wife did have to work.

My father is one of those men. He probably doesn't look down on men whose wives either have to or choose to work. But, he prides himself on the fact that my mother didn't have to work at all after they got married, and he feels like it was his role to make enough so that his wife didn't have to work.

That philosophy is becoming quite problematic now, as both my sister and I will probably make more than our partners for at least a few years. Geez, what do you expect when you encourage your daughters to go to excellent schools and do well? :rolleyes: It really bothers him that our partners don't feel like it's their "role," but a choice that each couple has to make...but it doesn't bother us as much because we never attached a stigma to working women.

So, I don't think it's at all insulting to point out that there are men who think that their role IS to make sure their wives don't have to work. Based on time, region, or whatever values a family might hold, it's actually a pretty common view.

This man was probably in his 60's or so, and IIRC, he said he was still practicing. I doubt he meant to offend me (hence my restraint) - in his generation the two-income family was rather less common - but I'm not of his generation, I'm of a generation where the two-income family is the rule, not the exception.

I object to the term "housewife" because of its implications that if a family chooses to be a one-income family, it must be the woman who stays home, and her entire life should center around the house. I prefer the term "homemaker" or "stay-at-home mom".

I'm glad we get to make choices these days. Many women are in a position to choose whether to have a full-time career, work part-time and spend some time with the kids, or be a full-time wife and mother. And if a man wants to stay home with the kids while his wife makes the big bucks, that's fine too! I just wish people who grew up when this wasn't the case would recognize that times have changed.

Its kind of like arguing about semantics . .. a person getting upset because you ask him if he is a janitor versus a custodial engineer.

If someone says they are a custodial engineer people mentally translate it into janitor.

If someone says they are a home-maker, it mentally translates into house wife. . . .

I think some people might be touchy because prt of them thinks they should be out their slaying dragons and making lots of money, but have chosen to stay home for whatever reason and see a small need to justify themselves.

And thats fine. But its certainly not a "federal case" so to speak. :p

That's what we did for a while. I am a terrible housekeeper, and although I adore my kids, it is not in their best interest, or mine to be around eachother all day (I am not the most patient person in the world). Fortunately, my DH is extremely neat, ridiculously patient and just the right combination of fun & firm w/the kids.

A couple of years ago, we had the opportunity for him to stay at home for about 6 months b/c he left a job he hated, and we knew we would be moving to another town, so we decided he shouldn't bother trying to find something in the interim. I cannot stress how much we all loved it. The house was always clean, the kids had a routine and were very well behaved and he and I were both happier b/c we weren't always rushing around. I did get jealous though, b/c he got into a play group & was hanging around w/a bunch of other SAHM's. After that experience, I really saw the benefit of at least ONE of the parents staying at home...as long as it isn't me!

I'm sorry, because I don't know you or the intentions in your posts, but your comments sound condesending to me.

While it is not my place to make judgements on women who want careers, men who want to stay at home or any of the other possible lifestyle combinations, nor is it your place to disparage women who want to be "housewives" or stay at home moms or any of those combinations of verbage.

In addition, if a man chooses,at any age or social station, to take full responsibility for supporting a family, that's his choice -- or a mutual choice made within the confines of a family.

I would just be weirded out by the fact he ASSUMED I was a "Housewife". I mean how did he come to that conclusion ?

Ring on your finger perhaps?? Looking well "kept" and stylin' cause you have free time to go to the salon? All kinds of older guy clues....

Oh. My. Gosh. That sounds AWESOME.

I want a wife just like yours, Andi. :) That just sounds like the coolest household ever -- he's relaxed because he liked being at home w/ the kids, the kids are happy, well behaved, and get to spend time w/ you guys, the house is clean, you're happy and relaxed b/c you get to be in the working world AND the place isn't a mess when you get home.


Yesterday I stayed home sick and stayed @ my boyfriend's place. I got bored after like 12 hours of sleep (don't hate me because I'm well-rested) and started cleaning up. Which of course didn't take much, since it's a 1 bedroom apt. and he doesn't have any kids living there to mess it up. But sometimes even that can seem like SO much effort when you get home from a 9 hr workday and an hour commute.

Anyway, he was thrilled. And I quote.... "can I please pay for you to go back to school? And live here?"

I wish! :D

:eek: Ummm, hardly my intention there.

Basically, I said that there are men who feel like it's their role to make sure that their wives don't have to work--many don't think of it as a choice, like you did. My father fits squarely in the former category, and it really burns his blood to realize that Mr. Munch, and Mr. SisterMunch, don't have that same worldview; it also angers him that we don't demand this out of our partners and would (gasp!) choose to work while they stayed at home.

Therefore, what aephi alum's friend said, even though a lot of people are saying that because he's "old," doesn't surprise me even if he was in his 50s.

Please show me where I "disparaged" women who choose not to work. My mother is still a stay-at-home mom/housewife/homemaker--even though her youngest child hasn't lived at home since the Clinton administration. Please show me where I was condescending, by simply applying the discussion at hand to my own life.

We all do the thing that works the best for us in our life at the time! I have been disparaged for working outside the home, for not working outside the home, volunteering instead of working outside the home, for volunteering while working outside the home and for not volunteering while not working outside the home....I am come to realize...I *ain't* gonna make everyone happy!

As a stay-at-home teenage boy herder (read that as mom to 3 teen/pre-teen boys)....

There are some days where working outside the home would be a TREAT!!!! And there are days when being at home is the best thing in the world :)!!!