Discipline: Spanking
 

I've seen a couple of TV shows recently that have dealt with this issue, and Mr. KKC and I started having a discussion about it. I'm really not sure what I think, so I thought I'd pitch it to you all.

Were you spanked as a child? How did your parents do it? Was it an instantaneous thing, like "I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar; mom pulled me down and swatted me"? Or was it more a "They sent me to my room, then came in later and spanked me" thing? What did you have to do to result in a spanking?

For the parents, do you spank your kids? Have you ever wanted to? Why or why not?

Feel free to digress from these questions... I just want to hear what people's thoughts are.

I got spankings. They never used belts or any inanimate objects. It was just their hand on my butt.

With me, it was more of an instantaneous thing. If I was doing something bad, my parents would swat me a few times on the butt and then send me to my room.

If we were in public, they would bring somewhere secluded to give me a spanking. If there was no private place, they would use the infamous line of, "Wait until we get home....".

I never really got spankings for being bad in public or not putting my toys away. I was just scolded and thrown in my room for that. I mostly got spankings for talking back. I had a real defiant streak in me when I was little and I would mouth off to my parents or whoever if I didn't like what they were saying to me. It seems like my parents' spankings didn't end up changing me. :D

Same here. And it was never like my dad was beating me or anything....just a lil' swat on the behind and we all went on with our day.

The one thing to remember is never spank your child in public. IMO it looks tacky, onlookers think you prolly beat your child b/c they only see what you did and prolly not the child, and it always draws unwanted attention.

I see nothing wrong with swatting a kid on the butt a few times. As opposed too "now Mommy said please don't do that 18 times already".

And again - no belts, or rulers, or whatever. Just the hand.

My dad always used a belt & my mom a fly swatter. My mom was more of an impulsive spanker...whenever my sister or I did something wrong she'd grab us & the fly swatter & let us have it. My dad was the scary thinker. He would send us to our rooms & let us think about what we did wrong while he would think of an appropriate amount of spankings we were to receive. Then, right after we took our baths before bed (it was awful 'cause your behind is more tender after a warm bath!), we would put on our PJ's & he would come in & we would discuss what we did wrong & he would suggest the number of times he'd spank us with the belt. That is usually where we would try to talk him down & settle on a lower number of spankings. I got most of my great debate tactics from those conversations. ;)

Wasn't this a wild thread a few months ago?

I was spanked. I think if you spank, it should be a little while after the child has been caught doing something wrong. Rather than, Bad! WHACK! I'd think you send your kid in a corner or to their room and then decide, "Ok, your punishment for doing XYZ is that you are going to be spanked. Doing XYZ is wrong and you're being spanked to remind you that you should never do XYZ again." I really hate it when a parent just smacks their kid in the heat of the moment without taking a moment to understand why he did something to begin with.

My parents used the belt or a bare hand. It was when I was younger. When I was older, they'd take away my phone, computer and books, along with the typical not being allowed to go out with friends. I think it worked out ok. Every kid is different though, and so is every family.

I can count on one hand the number of times I spanked as a kid, BUT I was afraid of being spanked and that kept me behaving. Plus one time (so I have heard) my mom went to spank me for being a pill and my brother started crying and saying "don't spank her mommy, she is only 3 and doesn't know she is doing something wrong" Yes he was my little protecter many times.
The few times I was spanked made me want to behave because I knew there was the possibility....

adpiucf, I know this has been touched on before, but here's the thread that comes to mind:

To Spank or Not To Spank Kids

And this was my response in that thread:

Before some of you decide to go CPS on me (because I know some of y'all will)...

I am a firm believer in disciplining kids, as most people are. Unfortunately there are idiots out there who don't know the difference between disciplining kids and child abuse.

I don't have any children of my own yet, but that doesn't matter. I consider my nieces and nephew my own and I've had a hand at raising them. Just from that, I know that timeouts aren't worth isht. We've tried the timeout BS, and it's only made the situations worse.

I'm a product of spankings, the belt, and the popular rubber slipper (in Hawai`i those black flip flops were more convenient than the belt). My dad hit me because I was a rotten kid and I deserved to be punished. You bet I learned my lesson. After a while he didn't have to bring out the hand, the belt, or the slipper. Once he said my name slowly, I quit being horrible and retreated to somewhere safe.

That worked for me and it's working for the next generation of kids in my family. You bet that I'll be quick to raise my hand when needed if and when my future kids act up.

Sorry if I've offended anybody, but that's how I plan to raise my kids. I don't tell you how to raise yours, so please keep insults to a bare minimum, thanks.

I was spanked as a child. My dad was the "spare the rod and spoil the child" type - if I was caught doing something wrong, swat! My mom would hit me only if I got really out of line. Whichever parent was doing it, they'd do it immediately, and then send me with my sore behind to my room to think about what I'd done wrong. Neither parent ever used anything other than their hand on my behind.

I think I would spank my hypothetical future children, but only if they get really out of line. Never in public, and never with anything but my bare hand. Kids have to know what the boundaries are, and from time to time that might mean a good swat or three.

I got spanked pretty much only for sassing my parents. No other form of punishment really worked on me.

Seriously? I HATED that more than anything when I was little. Having to stick my nose in a corner for 5 minutes seriously drove me up a wall.

Here is my response to the spank or not to spank (thanks OTW)


Since I don't plan on having kids it really doesn't matter, but anyway.

I'm a firm believer in the use of a belt, plain and simple. I've had some good spankings and it deterred me from some things, but not others. My mother used the kneeling on the floor in the kitchen, THAT WAS THE WORSE and she also sent me outside (I know that doesn't seem like a punishment, but for me it was, I HATED IT and she knew it, there wasn't much to do) and restriction or a combination of the above, but most of the time I got spanked, I can probably count how many times on both hands. Some of the stunts that I pulled, I deserved it. I look at it this way, my mother got spanked, my sister and I got spanked and we turned out fine. I have the most respect in the world for my parents and my family.

I also have some comparision, my stepfather did not spank his son, but talked to him and put him on restriction, which was ignored completely. There was one instance were we were going out (mom, me and step-father) and "L" went to go talk to his son "D" and it just got out of control, some of the things "D" was saying and the way he spoke to his father (so disrespectful). Since that was his son, my mother had nothing to do with disciplining "D" or the like. I turned to my mother and said simply "Ma, if I had said that to you in that tone, you would put me through the wall", my mother nodded.

I'm not saying that "beat respect into your kids", but putting up some bounderies and letting them know that they've crossed those lines with some form of spanking and restriction is the way to go for me and mine (family).

my stance will never change on this subject

Im of the mind set that spanking works as a short term punishment. Kid does something bad, spank, then to room. I've spanked my six year old probably six times, most of which ocurred between the ages of 4 and 5. Taking away privledges seems to work best for her, but some kids NEED to be spanked. I was spanked, and hit with a switch, fly swatter, houseshoe, but never hard enough to leave bruises or scars. As a child grows and develops a better sense of what kind of behavior to produce, the punishment should change as well, spanking a 12 year old is just silly. But like someone already said, it depends on the child and the family.

Maybe it's just the environment kids are growing up in these days.

My mom and I were talking about timeouts the other day and she said that when she was growing up there was no such thing. Either you were an obedient kid, or you got spankings. I think that was the pattern with each generation of parenting until somebody cried CHILD ABUSE! when it was really disciplining, and thus the "timeout" was born.

I don't know what kind of kids my nieces and nephews are hanging around with in school, but I can tell they're no good. When a kid comes home yelling cuss words at me and his grandma, it's obvious timeouts won't teach him not to swear at us again. I've seen kids throw toys at other kids to intentionally hurt them. In extreme cases like that, I can't see how isolating a kid for 5 minutes will convince him not to ever do that again.

My father worked offshore for the majority of my adolescence so my mother was a strict disciplinarian in his absence. She favored her hand but as we grew older she switched to a spaghetti measurer. It was basically a mini-paddle with three holes. I honestly feel that spanking was the only form of punishment that I have ever reacted to. When I think about timeouts, no dessert or going to my room without supper I just can’t help but laugh. I’m not knocking it but I know how rambunctious my brother and I were growing up and I think it would have been difficult for my mother to keep us in line without the fear of corporal punishment.

We would get a warning first and if we didn't listen we would get it.Mom was almost always the disciplinarian.If we were rude or sassy we got smacked across the mouth if we were within reach of her.For bad behavior,we would have to put our hands on the kitchen counter and then she would smack our knuckles with a wooden spoon.
My coworker and I were just talking about this the other day.When she got into trouble when she was little, her mom would put her in the bathtub and then when she was getting out of the tub would smack her on her wet legs and bottom.That would freakin hurt!:eek:

I was spanked.

We do not spank or ever will spank Avner.

There is never a good enough reason to hit a child, ever. I find that for my friends/acquaintances that spank, their children hit other children. For my friends that don't spank, their children never hit or act out in a violent manner.

The meaning of discipline is self-control. If you teach your child self-control, then behavior issues are lessened.

You must also be consistent - if you say that you are going to leave/take away the toy/etc., then you must follow through. Do not cave in.


http://www.neverhitachild.org/

http://www.nospank.net/

http://www.positivediscipline.com/

http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

And, to repeat what I had said in that old thread...

It depends on both the child and the situation. In situations like running into the street, sticking something into an electrical socket, touching a hot stove, it's important to associate them with physical harm and I spanked my kids, when they were too young to reason with, to demonstrate this. Ditto with harming others.

I had two very different children. My daughter is so extremely sensitive that just saying her name sharply (even now that she's 10) sends her into tears and apologies. She's generally a very well behaved child. Her friends' moms all say "She is welcome here any time", she is a teacher's pet, is always sweet to others and is very compassionate (well, to everybody but her younger brother, but sibling stuff is different anyway).

Then there is my son. He will take attention any way he can get it, even if it's negative (like spanking). He is now 8 and for about the past 3 years, he will not only refuse to cry if spanked, he will laugh and giggle, which makes an angry parent only more angry. My ex still spanks him and has no control over his behavior. I find though, that he responds better to the loss of playstation, game boy, computer games, etc. than he does to spankings. The "if you keep doing xyz, you'll lose playstation for a week" totally works with him. He is much calmer at my house than at his dad's (even at school, per the latch key staff). He responds to chaos with chaos. He responds to a calm, mellow demeanor with calmness. He knows that if he wants attention (cuddling, playing a board game, or just talking) from me, he will get it if he asks so he doesn't have to act out to get it. He also knows my rules and knows the consequences if he doesn't follow them. His dad is not consistent and will change the rules or consequences based on what is convenient for him at the time.

It's about knowing your kids, knowing what works and what doesn't for them, evaluating the risk of the behavior and being consistent at an early age. Oh yeah, "The Look" will do wonders if they learn it early!

Dee

there is nothing wrong with a spanking. there is something wrong with a beating.

i was beaten by my SOB father my whole life. full out beat, including being kicked and punched. yeah...real effective....

i would never BEAT my child, but i will absolutely hit my child if it is necessary. time outs are worth squat for most children. send a kid to his room and he has the tv, radio, books, games, computer, etc. yeah...some punishment:rolleyes:

as a teacher, i can't tell you how many lunchroom conversations we have about certain children or families. these kids are so unbelievably obnoxious and horribly behaved but the parents don't believe in any form of discipline. what they need is a sharp slap to the heiny. tough love works.

however, i do realize that not all kids are the same and there will be some children that are well behaved and do not need a spanking.

My sister and I were both spanked when we were kids. Usually, for me, one spanking would deter me from ever doing what was wrong again. Mom said I learned pretty quickly. My sis, though, tended to be a little more resilient and would have to get some more than I did.

DH had whippings when he was a child, both him and his brother. Unfortunately, they had an angry father who was rather heavy with his punishment, and they did not have a great relationship with their dad as a result of this.

As parents, right now at this moment, we are having a hard time with our little girl who is 4 years old. She is extremely strong willed, and lately has been a complete hellion ( defiant, talking back, yelling--she even hit a little girl one day). We prefer not to spank, but have occasionally when she had done something bad that was dangerous to her ( like running out in the parking lot). We talk with her about her behavior and we use timeouts. We take away privileges ( watching her favorite movie, etc.) Her school uses timeouts and they seem to be effective. Timeouts at home, however, do not seem to work.

I would be more than happy to get some advice from more experienced parents! We are really concerned and want to try to figure out a better way to work with her.

:(

A very concerned mommy!

re: Wasn't this an earlier thread topic?
 

Shame on me. I should have done a search first.

Who's gonna spank me? :D :p ;)

I never got beaten. But I did get spanked, sent to my room and not watch tv or anything, sent to bed early, no dessert, my nose on the wall, restriction, and my dad's favorite: The Jail, which was our staircase that had iron bars.

I don't have kids yet, but they will get spanked if they act out. They'll also get toys taken away, restricted for X amount of time, time out,, all depending on what they did.

I hate when kids scream and yell in public. Like I'll be at the mall or something and some kid is screaming at the top of their lungs. And the mom isn't doing anything. I say in a situation like that, you swat the kid in the behind and go to your car for a timeout.

Dr. Phil said something about when the fmaily goes out to eat and one kid is acting up, that one parent needs to take that kid to the car for a timeout. They'll see that while they're in the car for a timeout while their sibling is inside the restaurant eating, that they'll wise up and be quiet because they want to go back inside.

It's up to the parent to stop all the nonsense. I see kids all the time being rude and obnoxious. And I think that they needed a quick smack to the butt while they were growing up.

And don't get me started on the people that give a glare of death when someone spanks thier child.

My parents spanked me, and I firmly believe I turned out all the better for it. Sure, I had to do something pretty bad to actually get spanked--usually my mom would give me The Look if I was being naughty and that was enough to stop me in my tracks--but it sure let me know where to draw the line. So many kids today grow up being given "time outs" and other bollocks like that...I'm sure time outs can work, but most parents just don't seem to know how to use them as punishment. That's why we have so many rude, spoiled brats running around--and if you don't believe me, just ask anyone who works with kids. They'll tell you.

I suppose I should add my developing opinion here. After having taught for quite a while and thinking that what many of my students needed was a swift kick to the head (to say nothing of a swat on the behind), I think that if my kids got out of control, I'd spank them. Or I'd let Mr. KKC do it. ;) I'd try time-outs and the revocation of privileges first, but as a last resort, spanking might come out. The ivory tower idealist in me says that there's never any good reason to hit a child, that violence and love are mutally exclusive, etc., but I swear, I will NOT have my children behaving like most of the kids in my classroom.

I hear ya! Unfortunately, I got the latter (and got the therapy bills to prove it)

I have no problem with spanking a kid...I have a problem with beating. When you leave marks on a kid with a belt or an extension cord...that is child abuse

The kneeling thing is child abuse too

In my experience, time outs aren't worth isht.
Disrespect or talking back: a hand or paddle on the butt (not down with slapping across the face)
Misbehaving: take away something they enjoy
"Forgetting" chores: take something away

being irresponsible with possessions: hit them where it hurts: the pocketbook. Ya know that allowance you were getting? That item costs: $100. Your allowance is mine until it is paid off...

That usually does it

Oh yeah I am not down with kids having a TV in their room
If you want a game for your playstation: use your allowance or earn it by doing extra chores

I got spanked. My mom did it most of the time. I think that my dad spanked me like twice and I knew I did something really bad if my dad spanked me.

Dee-
Your kids & mine could be carbon copies (only the boy is the older sib in my family). And "The Look?" My sister & I were talking about this this very morning! Our dad was the master at "The Look." I didn't inherit the gene though, and my kids just look at me all puzzled if I try to give it to them.... Man, the look would tell us w/o words that we had done wrong, cause us immeasurable shame, and convince us never ever to do it again. Man, I wish I had "The Look!"

OMG I can't imagine D's daughter being 10.

LOL. No kidding. Now she's trying to pass her road test. I will give an update though.

Both of my kids are amazingly well behaved. I feel very blessed. I was thinking the other day how weird it is that I have never even had to ground my daughter as a teen. And my son, only once. They are really great kids and have great friends and I'm so totally blessed and proud of them.

We only got spanked a handful of times as kids because we weren't stupid and knew better than to do XYZ again. The threat of a spanking (or if out in public, "a trip to the little girls' room") was enough to deter us from misbehaving. I will only spank my children if they're doing something that could potentially hurt themselves or others, or if they sass me. If I so much as look at my son sideways, his lip will start to quiver and he'll stop. He's the sensitive one. My daughter, on the other hand, is a nightmare to discipline unless it's a spanking or light smack on the hand. Nothing else works. She thinks any other form of discipline is hilarious. Even the daycare workers don't know what to do about her, since spanking is not allowed there. It just depends on the child and the family, as mentioned previously in this thread.

i was spanked. and i will spank.

in public and in private.

I was spanked...it was always the last resort threat, but on many an occasion it was warranted. I know exactly how much of a hellion I was and if I have kids I imagine I'll get all that and more thrown back at me. It didn't make me a violent child and it didn't ALWAYS work, but most of the time it at least made me think twice. And I was an unusually stubborn child. My parents have even shown me video evidence...I was horrible. So I have nothing against spanking. (Though I don't want teachers or babysitters doing it for me...it's supposed to be a deterrent, not a beating and I don't want to risk someone fudging that line.) I won't, however, do that in public. It really does upset some people...when I misbehaved badly enough to warrant a spanking in a public place my parents took me out and then spanked me to avoid subjecting other customers to the yelling that would inevitably ensue. Which is how I think it should be done. No one wants to listen to a family disagreement and a screaming child during dinner, for instance.

Yes! Exact same thing!

I was (as was my sister) spanked and I am glad that I was. Sometimes it came with some type of warning and other times (generally when I knew I was doing/did something wrong) the hand or the belt met my butt. There are also quite a few times where my parents would grab my arm and pull me close to them, give me THE LOOK, and say "stop it" or something along those lines. Generally, I knew to immediately stop b/c a beating would come later otherwise.

Haha There was one time where I pulled a rack of my parents' closet out of the wall so I "went to bed" early. My dad got home from work a few hours later, asked me what happened, I lied, and he brought the hand on me while I was laying in bed... nowhere to run to afterward.. I just had to sit there in bed with my punishment. That stopped me from playing in their closet.

I will probably spank my children. My parents never did it in excess and every single parent in my family does it and it works for us.

I was spanked when I misbehaved. Bare handed or with the dreaded kochlöffel. I do spank when they are severely misbehaving. I give a swat (more of a scary action and then a firm tap on the butt), when it doesn't quite warrant a full blown spank. I won't use the wooden spoon though, 'cause that shit hurt for days. But for us, the spank is the last resort, ultimate form of punishment. Ditto on the "do we need to go outside?" They know better.

I can't believe how many of you are pro-spanking. I am not.

I was spanked as a child (not beaten; spanked) and still hold severe resentment to my parents for it. I think it's totally unacceptable to teach children that an acceptable reaction to misbehaving or irritating someone is violence. Studies have shown that children who are spanked are significantly more likely to be violent and aggressive towards other children, even after controlling for dozens of factors (including natural aggressiveness). I personally do not want a violent and aggressive child; if you do, that is your prerogative, but do not be surprised to find out that he or she gets in trouble at school.

If your kid is acting up in the grocery store or a restaurant, you just leave. That's how it works. You. Leave. Does it inconvenience you? Yep. But you chose to have kids - that comes with the territory.

No. Kids aren't in charge. People choose to have kids but they should never choose to have spoiled brats who think they run shit. :D

Such studies are wonderful for showing support for correlates of behavior but they can never say definitively that something causes an outcome, even when controlling for other factors. Researchers can conclude from their findings that spanking can increase the potential for a particular outcome but, as with most things, it does not guarantee a particular outcome. The limitations and implications for further research place study findings in their proper context.

People's support for research findings is correlated with how they feel about a topic before they even read the research, as I'm sure is the case for you based on how you feel about your spanking experience. More studies that support corporal punishment should make it beyond the peer reviews. I would love to read more of them and my opinion of them would be shaped by my support for moderate corporal punishment. :)

We are always teaching children and shaping the adults they will become, for better or for worse. With that said, of the people who were spanked as children, it definitely shapes our perceptions of authority and justifications for aggression and violence. Some kids who were spanked are quicker to aggression and think it's justified while others are more reclusive and soft spoken as to not be quick to anger. But, there are also people who say you shouldn't raise your voice at a child or do other forms of discipline like "time out" and taking things that they cherish (toys, school activities, etc) from them. What works? No one knows with 100% accuracy.

All discipline should be in moderation and based on thinking rather than emotion/anger. My siblings and I were spanked from time to time and our mother and father never tried to really hurt us. We could tell it was more rational and to prove a point and give us a level of discomfort. That's also a factor of the personalities of the parents. If I had tried to fight back or talk trash, the spankings would've been worse. The spanking always came after my parents nicely talked to us, then sternly gave us warnings and if none of those worked (because we were feeling grown or stupid) we always deserved the spanking. Always. I would definitely spank my kid if I gave the kid ample opportunity to fix whatever the problem is.

(I don't believe in corporal punishment in schools or other adults yelling at my kid. That's why you have to handle your business at the home so kids will only act up A LITTLE (kids will be kids and will always test limits) when they leave your home. Parents shouldn't have to leave a restaurant because of a badass kid just as teachers shouldn't have to stop a class because of a badass kid)

:rolleyes:

Personally I hold not one bit of resentment towards my parents for spanking me. It didn't scar me for life, and I think they did the right thing. I don't even remember being spanked at all, I just know I was because of the "funny" stories my family tells when they get together and let loose with the embarrassing childhood stories...so obviously it wasn't traumatic. As a child I did not respond to time out, a shake of the finger, or the loss of dessert with dinner when I was in a particularly bad mood. I wasn't the least bit violent, nor were my siblings. Just very loud and very prone to do the opposite of whatever my parents told me to do, like play with matches that I pulled out of my aunt's purse, for instance. And ironically in school I the most perfect child you could ask for, because I badly wanted to be the teacher's pet. Never acted out during school hours. I'm sure my teachers would've been floored if they'd ever encountered the after school me. (My siblings also just about never got in trouble at school, though by nature they aren't nearly as stubborn as I was so they didn't get in much trouble at home either.)

My parents always left a restaurant if one of us began yelling or misbehaving. No one else was inconvenienced besides our family. If we continued to do so we would be spanked at home.