Not in the Wedding?
 

Ok...I'm EXTREMELY irritated right now. My brother is marrying this horrible girl who has done so many atrocious things to him that I am having trouble not hating them (her parents and her).

I'll give you a short list:
1) When my grandmother died last year, my brother was very upset, so he called his girl. She refused to come because she had plans with some friends.
2) Last week, my brother flew back to Georgia (he's living in North Carolina) to visit friends and family. His fiancee picked him up and took him to HER family home. In the entire time of his fall break, his fiancee couldn't "find the time" to take him to see our parents. Ok...maybe she was busy. But THEN, when it was time for him to go back to the airport (a 2 hour drive), all of the sudden, NO ONE COULD TAKE HIM!! He had to pay for an CAB RIDE to the airport!!!!!

To top off the insult, her parents called my parents last night to discuss the rehearsal dinner and condescendingly suggested that my parents might not be able to afford the place where the girl wants to dine. The sick thing is that these folks are already living beyond their means (they couldn't even afford to fix their own house so they hired my brother to do some construction) - who are they to even suggest that????

Now, here's my deal. I've done my very best to be a supportive sister and act in a Christian way even though I don't think this girl loves him. In fact, I'VE been the one defending the girl against my parents' anger!!

I just found out that she's not going to put me in her wedding, but that her brothers are going to be my brother's groomsmen!!! This is in a SOUTHERN WEDDING!! My parents, as etiquette dictates, are paying for the rehearsal dinner, which I'M NOT INVITED TO!! Oh my gracious!!!

I had to get that out.

ETA: I'm his only sibling.

If you don't like her so much why would you even want to be in the wedding?

He's my only brother and I'll always support him. I'm just irritated at the nerve of these people.

I know how you feel because my father is marrying someone like that. I think you really need to take this up with your brother. You can't do anything about who he chooses to marry but there's no reason for you not to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. I have one brother also and I'll be damned if I'm not going to be invited to his wedding!

I think you should talk to your brother about how you feel...then maybe he could stand up for himself for a change...

If this was happening with my one and only brother, I'd be just as upset as you. Then I'd get all my cousins and go beat her up. ;)

Definitely have a word with your brother. Maybe he doesn't understand how hurt you are.

For the rehearsal party, you are supposed to be invited. "All attendants, the bride and her fiancé's immediate families, the officiate and spouse, as well as any out-of-town guests are included in the guest list" according to this site . You are immediate family.

As for being in the wedding, it's up to the couple whom they ask, but it does seem a little odd they'd ask her siblings and not ask you. If she doesn't want you as a bridesmaid, there's no reason your brother can't ask you to be one of his attendants. If it looks weird to have a female "groomsman" or if it unbalances the numbers of attendants on each side, so what? Or you could be asked to do one of the readings or something. It's up to them what they ask you to do, but as the groom's sister, you should have a special role in their ceremony.

You'll hate my advice.

I'd just grin and bear it. It's not your wedding. It is up to the bride to decide who her attendants are, and up to the groom to decide who his attendants are. Perhaps he is friends with his soon-to-be brothers-in-law, whereas it seems you and his fiance don't get along. This is your brother's wedding. He has to be a man if he feels his family isn't being treated fairly and speak up. I think it would be ok if you mentioned how you feel left out. I am sure a suitable compromise (IE: being a ceremony reader) can be found, and yes, per etiquette, as immediate family, you are included in the rehearsal dinner. But don't be a bitch about it. Regardless of what kind of horrible person she may or may not be, this is the bride's special day. I do sympathize over the fact that you're upset, but also put yourself in your brother's shoes and make it your role to ensure he has a happy wedding day. Also, make an effort to become friends with your sister-in-law-to-be. She's about to become your family member.

Good luck!

If your side of the family is paying for the rehearsal dinner, they should decide who goes ;)

I would agree with the basic advise to have a heart to heart with your brother. Perhaps he doesn't realize that your feelings are hurt b/c he's preoccupied with the idea of getting married, other issues in his life, and his fiancee (who could be a handful judging from what you're saying).

Preciousjeni I've been in your shoes. You have to abide by your future sisinlaw's wishes as to her bridal party. Leave it alone. Considering it a blessing that you don't have to where some ugly monstrosity she will no doubt pick out. Even if you're not a bridesmaid you will have a front row seat and you're still be his sister after the wedding. Do not get your brother involved as he is going through enough stress with her and her family.

Rise above her witchyness and be a place where your brother can vent. Remind your parents that this woman will be the future mother of their grandchildren and she will call the shots as to when you get to visit. You're doing the right thing by defending her although I'm sure it's not easy.

As for the rehearsal dinner if your parents are paying for it, they will call the shots as to where it will be held and who goes. On this matter your parents should remind them that you are part of the family package.

Try and make it fun for your parents. Tell your brother that it will be your responsibility to make sure mom and dad look their best for this day. Go with your dad when he gets fitted for his tuxedo. Arrange his appointment for haircut and shave. Go shopping with your mom and get yourselves some killer dresses. Make arrangements to get manicures, hair, and makeup done together.

Good luck.:)

Well, I already said the horrendous story of my cousin who wouldn't invite her family b/c the grooms family were not used to being around people like us.
Her wedding went off beautifuly (so I heard) but his entire family kept asking her why her family wasn't there. In fact, they asked so much she told them the truth & apparently, they are now angry with her b/c she insulted us and she offended them by insinuating that they were pretentious snobs.
I know he's your only brother but sometimes, people have to learn the hard way in order to learn a lesson.

I agree with everything adpiucf said.

From what you've written, I don't see what's so terribly awful about this girl. Maybe there's more you haven't included? If your brother wanted to see his family while he was in Georgia, he could've made his own arrangements to see them. From what you're saying -- she couldn't "find the time" to take him to see his family -- I can't help but wonder if he didn't want to see his family and is using her as an excuse. Why is it her responsibility to take him anywhere? Unless you've spoken to her directly about these incidents, you really don't have the whole story.

ETA: Stuff like this is only one reason I think that having bridal parties/bridesmaids/groomsmen is a silly custom.

I am planning my own wedding right now, and my fiance is not sure he is going to have my brother stand up for him. He is my only brother and fiance does not have any sisters or close female friends/relatives I could ask to be 'tit-for-tat' so to speak. I was a little upset, but in the long run, he can choose who he wants - it's his side of the bridal party. Though I do understand he's having her brothers, maybe he feels closer to them than she does to you. As a bride, I can tell you picking the wedding party is a lot harder than you think! ;) However, this girls sounds like a b*tch anyway, so you probably don't want to have to be around her all day anyway!!! I would mention to your borther that you would love to participate in his big day and could you maybe do a reading or something like that. Aside from that, keep being the great, supportive sister you have been - that's what is most important.

And, I agree with the others, if you parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner, they dictate who they will and will not invite. And proper etiquette is that bride and groom's immediate family are invited regardless (I say screw that out of town guest stuff - about 100 of my 150 guests are from out of state - I don't need to pay for a whole other reception on Friday night!!! Just my opinion!).

If I were a bride, I know that I would have to limit my number of bridesmaids. I have sisters of my own, plus several close college and high school friends. Mr. ADqtPiMel's sister wouldn't even be on the list.

If you don't like the girl, then WHY on earth would you want to be a part of her bridal party?

I mean, if you have ever been in a bridal party, you know how it is ALL about the bride. There would be showers where you would have to ooh and aah over slotted spoons, etc. You might have to gush over how pretty she looks when in reality you HATE the gaudy number she chose to wear.

I don't think you actually want to be in the bridal party. Perhaps, it is just the thought of being left out.

Everyone is correct in saying that your brother should speak for himself. If he isn't, then he's sending out a loud message of either being completely whipped or of being passively aggressive in letting her take the rap for things he had no desire to do (such as visiting, etc.)

Wrigley is right. She WILL call the shots on the grandkids, where holidays are spent, etc. So, you better just grit your teeth and bear her for as long as she is around. These days, marriages don't last that long;)

What she said. It sucks to be left out but you obviously don't like this girl so WHY would you want to stand by her side when she marries your brother?

It's weird that you wouldn't be invited to the rehearsal dinner, even if you're not in the wedding party. I was under the impression that brothers and sisters were always invited, regardless of their place as an attendant.

I'm surprised that you haven't been the designated Guest Book attendee, punch server, substitute bride for the rehearsal, or something like that, since you're not a bridesmaid. Maybe the bride has forgotten about those little duties?

Since this is really bothering you, I'd make a list of all the things you WON'T have to do, which a bridesmaid would have to do, such as throwing a shower, getting a nasty dress with shoes/hat/gloves to match, cheesing it up for phony-looking pictures ("oh, look at the sixpence being put in the shoe!" "oh, your ring is sooo beautiful!"), etc. That should be pretty cathartic.

It's quite possible this girl is jealous of the relationship you have with your brother. Are you two very close? If so, it probably makes her crazy that he has another woman in his life who "steals" some of the affection he should be showering on her. Maybe this is her way of trying to distance him from you and the rest of your family.

I agree with most of the others - I wouldn't want to be in the wedding party, especially since it sounds like this girl is going to turn into a bridezilla. You definitely DON'T want to be around that.

I also agree that you should tell your brother how you feel. Perhaps he's gotten so busy w/ trying to placate her every demand that he hasn't realized that your feelings have gotten hurt.

And it is absolutely unacceptable for you to not be invited to the rehearsal dinner, especially since your family is paying for it.

When is this wedding?

One last thought - I believe that just b/c it's the bride's special day, it doesn't mean that she has the right to become a mean and nasty person!

I know! My parents already have the projected guest list and I'm not on it. :(

Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

I'm agreeing with everyone else, but the only question I have is if your parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, then why aren't you invited to the dinner? The hosts make up the guest list, not the bride/groom (although they usually have input). As you are immediate family, then you should automatically be on the top of the list!

So what are we missing that you've been excluded from this event?

Re: Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

The bride and her mother are in complete control of the wedding. They sent their rehearsal dinner guest list to my parents. It's simply etiquette that my parents are paying for the dinner.

Also, my parents are offended that I'm not on the guest list, so they are just letting it go because I asked them to. I don't want them to get too emotional and make waves in this already difficult situation.

Re: Re: Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

I'd hate to break the news to your future SIL's family...they don't get the final say on who is to be invited...unless they are hosting the event! As your family is hosting the event (regardless of obligation or not), they get to determine the final list...NOT your future in-laws!!!

Get out an Emily Post book for this family...they don't understand the meaning of etiquette! (Now I'm getting mad for you! LOL)

I thought proper etiquette called for the groom's family to plan the rehearsal dinner as well, since they're the ones paying for it? Sheesh. Her family sounds frustrating.

So, are you going to go the rehearsal dinner anyways?

Does this chick have sisters? You mentioned she has brothers, but I was curious if she has sisters with whom she has to share attention. If she doesn't, that may explain her inability to share your brother w/ you.

I have been where you are at actually on both sides....

as far as the rehearsal dinner goes...... Your name may not be on the list because it is automatically that you are family you will be there. Hell if my mom and dad was paying for it i would just show up. DID she say directly you were not invited?

as far as bridesmaids go.......the sentiments you have towards her .... would you really be willing to be a brides maid even though you love your brother?

I mean come on i love my brother and i wasn't a brides maid either even though she was oneof mine. Heck i l et my feelings be known agaisnt the wishes of my parents because my sister in law and her mom were awful during the planning....my mom had no imput or asked her opinion on things either.

Its a fine line when it comes to these things. tread lightly!

AXiD670: I won't go to the dinner if they don't invite me. And, she doesn't have any sisters.

cutiepatootie: When they sent the list, it had my parents, her parents, her brothers, her friends, my brothers best friend, etc. I think she's begrudgingly inviting my parents because they are paying! LOL! She's very blatant in her disregard for me.

I would be a bridemaid if asked. The biggest problem I have is that my brother was very clear to her that he wanted me in the wedding party in some capacity because, like I said, we're very close. She originally agreed but has now decided otherwise.

And, I am treading lightly! Honestly, the way I look at the overall picture...this is one day out of the rest of their lives. She has plenty of time to grow up and get over herself. I acknowledge that she might just not know any better and I'm sure her parents are goading her. So, once she's married and realizes what married life really is (she and my brother both think that they're going to have lives of their own and just live together - I don't think they realize the toll the being with someone that much can take on a person), I hope she'll see the value in having me close by since I would be the family member closest to her in age.

****By the way, this is his first steady girlfriend. They're both in their twenties. She hasn't had many boyfriends and neither of them has lived with a member of the opposite sex in the past other than family. Contrastingly, I've had many relationships AND I've lived with a number of my boyfriends. While I've never been married, I KNOW how difficult it is to share your space with someone you love. It's so much easier to have roommates that you don't have a lot invested in because you're not going to hurt each other really.

Re: Re: Re: Not in the Wedding?
 

Uh, they plan, they pay. I don't care where you're from.

Weddings involve two people: the bride and the groom....not just the bride. I feel that some Bridezillas forget this small piece of information. Since it's your brother's wedding also, he should have a say in who goes to the rehearsal dinner. It should've been a mutual decision between the two of them and since you're his sister then you should be on the guest list. It looks like she has taken over in planning the whole wedding. I think your brother needs to say something to her about this.

It's not really up to the bride and her mother who gets to go to the rehearsal dinner. (a) Etiquette says all immediate family members of the bride and groom should be invited. (b) Remember the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules. If your parents are paying and they want you there, the bride and her family have no right to say no.

A few people have commented along the lines of why would you want to be a bridesmaid for a bridezilla who has treated you so horribly to date? and also that the bride picks her attendants, the groom picks his, and although your brother might want you to be a bridesmaid, it's ultimately up to the bride whether she asks you. These are both good points. That's why I made the (admittedly unorthodox) suggestion of your brother asking you to be one of his attendants. You'd stand on his side and possibly wear a dress that's different from what the bride's attendants wear. I've never seen this done, but I have heard of it.

(hee hee... then her brothers could be "bridesmen". Won't they look cute in big poofy bright orange taffeta gowns with huge pink butt bows?? LOL :p )

Or, if that's just too weird, there are so many other honors you could be offered if the bride is dead set against your being a bridesmaid. Talk to your brother and let him know how hurt you are... then see what develops.

This whole situation really irks me. It would be one thing if you didn't like her, but you indicate that you have openly tried to include her and welcome her to the family. I don't know what her problem is to treat you this way. I don't know who she is, but I don't like her!

If she is going to throw etiquette out the window by not letting your family plan the rehearsal dinner or invite you to the dinner, then you should throw etiquette out the window and show up uninvited. But I know you're not going to do that. This is your brother, and it's the last night you'll have to spend w/ him before he's a married man, so if it were me, I'd be fighting tooth and nail to be there. But that's the last thing I'll say about that. :)

When I got married, my husband's mother told me what we were doing for the rehearsal dinner, then asked if it was okay, and who else did we need to invite. All I had to do was send the invitations and give her a final count. It worked well.

I still think she's acting this way b/c she's jealous of your relationship w/ your brother. She sounds too immature to be getting married!

This is why weddings are such a PITA. I firmly believe in eloping! :D

As far as wedding etiquette, here's a story: we just received an invitation for a friend of my husband's upcoming wedding. I was so mad b/c 1-the response envelope didn't have a stamp on it, and 2-it's a 6 o'clock wedding, and there's going to be a "dessert reception" following. Hello! If you're not serving dinner, then you need to have the wedding earlier or later. With a 6 pm wedding, that means the guests will most likely have to eat dinner at 4 pm! The couple lives in WA state. Maybe that's just how they do things out there. ;)

ETA: You are invited to the wedding, aren't you? ;) :p

ETFA: Oh, almost forgot. This happened to my friend. Her fiancee's sister obviously didn't like the bride-to-be. At the rehearsal dinner, she (the groom's sister) gave him this scrapbook that she had made him w/ pages upon pages of pictures of him, his family and ex-girlfriends, and not a single picture of my friend. Of course, she was VERY upset. But this sounds like a nice gift you could give to your brother! Lol. Just kidding, of course.

Well I think if you are following etiquette then yes you should be asked to be in the wedding. However considering the situation I would probably prefer not to be in it. My brother and I are very close also but he obviously has no say in his own wedding. SAD!!

As far the rehearsal dinner goes, your parents need to put their foot down and add you to the list. They are paying for it they should invite who they want to invite also.

Marriage is supposed to be the combination of 2 families. It is sad to see that here are 2 families that will not combining and can't evil combine to put together what is supposed to be the happiest day for this couple.

I agree that it is important to not ruffle the feathers and to play nicely, but they are walking all over your family and someone needs to stand up. It should be your brother but if he can't then your parents should.

Well said!

You don't think your brother isn't going to be upset when they are a ll at the dinner and your not there. If anything
that will cause uproar will be comments made about that. It is bad enough she didn't honor his request by having you as a bridesmaid but to axe you out of the dinner too.....he will start putting two and two together and then you will have an upset groom.

I would show just to spite her and make her cause a scene and then she will be asked why you werent even invited to be involved inthe wedding and let alone the dinner.



I need to stop because i am rehasing the anger i had towards my sister in law and the wedding. hehe.

Serious though, i bet if you showed up nothing will be said ...i mean really is she going to say why are you here in front of your brother and your family....she be pretty stupid to do that

No one can treat you badly without your consent.

I think it is easy to blame your FSIL for being evil and all of that, but the bigger responsibility lies with your brother. Is he aware that you are not on the "invite" for the rehersal dinner? (and BTW, I agree with everyone who has said that the bride to be and her parents cannot tell your family who they can and cannot invite--unless of course, you guys let them. See opening statement) What was his response to you not being invited to be in the wedding?

I think you should casually tell him she left you off the list. Hopefully, it was an oversight on her stupidity.

In the South, its totally customary to have siblings in the wedding party. You actually should plan on having them as a maid/grooms man. I would tell your brother your feelings. Its always easier to add someone (if there were not enough groomsmen for you) than exclude the SISTER OF THE GROOM. You leave out your high school friend you haven't talked to a lot before the sister of the groom.

I also am a firm believer that the guy's family should be involved in the planning. Maybe not in the budget planning, but they should definetly be in the know about the wedding and see invite, flowers, and cake options (after you have narrowed them down. Even if its just photos, it makes his mother feel good to be asked or shown. (However, I have a fabulous relationship with my fiance's parents)

Her brother right now is in la-la land and will continue to live there until he and bridezilla hit a rough patch during the marriage.
If preciousjeni says anything to her brother and the bridezilla drama, he won't hear a thing. It will be a Peanuts moment, like when the teacher speaks to Charlie Brown and as you hear her say is "Waw wah waw wah waw wah"

Let bridezilla and her mom put dancing bears and clowns on the guest list for the rehearsal dinner, it doesn't mean they will get to go. I agree with everyone who said show up to the rehearsal dinner. Make sure you, mom, and dad look absolutely fabulous.

As for being put on punch or guestbook duty,thank her for the offer but she can pass that honor to someone else who could do a way better job than you. ;)

Look at it this way: with any luck at all, the bridesmaid dresses will look like this:

http://store1.yimg.com/I/uglydress_1800_16014255

And then when you show up looking your beautiful self, well, revenge will be yours!


(courtesy of www.uglydress.com)

He's marrying that woman!?

So wait, is that the dress or the cake?

I think that you should go to the rehearsal dinner. If I were you, I would be revealed about not being a bridesmaid. Just look at that dress. :p